


Deep Beneath the Light

by Crysania



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Minor Finn/Rose Tico, Skywalker Family Drama, Slow Burn, Snoke is a scary asshole, Virgin Ben Solo, Virgin Rey (Star Wars)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2020-01-15 04:38:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 45
Words: 155,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18491524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crysania/pseuds/Crysania
Summary: The moment he's been told is coming is upon him, the final judgment. There are two paths, two choices left to him. He can kill his father, the ultimate betrayal, and become Snoke's perfect apprentice. Or he can take a risk, come home, and become a part of something he thought he'd left long ago.He makes the second choice.And that changeseverything.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A long time ago, I started a hunt for anyone writing a fic in which Kylo chose to go with his father at the end of TFA instead of killing him. None were to be had (and I asked everywhere!) and so the thought rattled around in my brain until I couldn't stand it anymore. Last July I started outlining my own ideas for the fic and where it might take all of our protagonists and started writing shortly thereafter.
> 
> I am aware that in the interim, more than one person has started fics diverging at this same moment in time. I have not read them (though I AM DYING TO) in order to make sure that my fic is my own and has no influence from anyone else out there tackling this same idea.
> 
> Currently I have over 80k of this story written (up to the middle of chapter 24) and I'm working on the 3rd (and final) act, so a lot of this story has already been written. I sincerely hope that some folks enjoy it!
> 
> Super special amazing thanks goes out to the ladies of the Reylo Fic Recs group. You all know who you are! This fic would have never been written without all their amazing support and our awesome word sprints.

“Finn! This way!” They’d skirted around the Stormtroopers by heading out into the bright light of the snowy fields that surround the center of the base. She can sense them, somewhere, still hunting for them, but she knows they’re well enough past them when she trudges back into the cavernous reaches of the central base. This was where it all would happen. They’d blow this place to the skies and escape, ending the supercharged weapon and a good portion of the First Order with it.

And that includes Kylo Ren. She still can’t quite fathom what had happened there. One moment she’d been strapped to that interrogation table and the next she was seeing thoughts that weren’t her own, feelings that she couldn’t begin to understand. She’d seen him, _Kylo Ren_ , bowing in supplication to the destroyed mask that she somehow recognized as Darth Vader’s, saw his impossibly young and almost too pretty face as he whispered to the burned-out husk. _You will never be as strong as Darth Vader_. The words had come tumbling out of her mouth before she could even think of saying them, and then he’d pulled back, his breathing as ragged as her own, and disappeared in a swirl of black.

They can end _him_ and for a moment that bothers her. Her breath hitches and she shakes her head to clear the strange visions that are still there, just behind her eyes. _Is he still there, somewhere inside her mind?_

Shaking her head, she leans over the railing. Chewbacca strides out on a lower level, glancing up at them briefly before continuing to scan the area. Han is not with him and she finds her eyes quickly taking in the large open cavern around them.

Finn lets out a gasp next to her and puts his hand on her shoulder. “ _Kylo Ren_ ,” he whispers in her ear, as if she doesn’t know exactly who he is, as if she hadn’t woken up with his watching her behind that mask not that long ago.

She shrugs Finn’s hand off and leans just a little further forward. _There_ is Han. She holds her breath, hoping he will escape Kylo Ren’s notice as the tall figure strides away from him on the all too narrow walkway.

But no, that would not be the Han Solo way, would it? Han turns his head to watch as Kylo Ren’s long strides take him rapidly away from him. He watches him for a moment and then she sees it: the moment Han makes the decision to _follow_ the other man instead of retreating. He takes a step, then another, and then he’s on the same walkway that Kylo Ren is walking heavily across.

She hates that walkway. She’d seen similar on the downed destroyers of the Empire. Long, thin, no railing to protect those who walk on it. Just seeing it from so far up above makes her dizzy and a little ill.

Kylo Ren doesn’t seem to notice his presence. She finds she wants to shout to Han, tell him to run, but the words are choked up somewhere inside her throat. They don’t get out. And then it’s _Han_ who is shouting something. She can’t quite make it out, but she’s sure it’s _Ren_ and then Kylo Ren does indeed stop. No, he doesn’t just _stop_. He draws up short like he’s hit the end of a tether and pauses, one hand coming up to touch the lightsaber she can see strapped to his hip.

There’s a dark, uncomfortable feeling in the pit of her stomach.

She doesn’t want Han to face down Kylo Ren. _You feel like he’s the father you never had_. He was right about that much at least. Right about more than she would like him to be. She can’t quite fathom _why_ she came to see Han Solo that way, nor why she did so quickly. He’s been nothing more than legend to her, a myth. The great Han Solo who helped defeat the Empire, take down Darth Vader, ended the terror reign of Jabba the Hutt, and did the Kessel run in less than fourteen ( _twelve_ , she hears in her head and half-smiles) parsecs. Yet he wanted her… _her_ …to join his crew and she felt such a connection to him that she left Jakku, left her dreams of finding her parents behind in pursuit of something she still can’t quite understand.

And here he is, facing down the enemy, keeping them all safe, _like the father she’s always wanted_. She can almost feel Kylo Ren’s creeping into her mind, like ants racing behind her eyes, digging in with light feet to find all her long-hidden secrets. Secrets she doesn’t understand. And really, there’s so _little_ she understands about the world, about human motivation. Her entire life has revolved around getting enough food to eat to stay alive and keeping the constant hope that her family would return for her.

They didn’t.

And a part of her knows they’re never going to.

But it’s what has kept her going all these years. It’s hard to let go of that, even when faced with the infinite possibilities that Han Solo and the _Millennium Falcon_ might offer her.

After a moment, Kylo Ren turns on his heel, far more gracefully than she would have expected from him, but there’s something lithe about his movements, a panther stalking his prey. His gaze, as far as she can tell, is entirely focused on Han. He doesn’t notice her and Finn, so far above him. He doesn’t notice Chewbacca standing guard on one of the balconies below.

He stops after taking a couple steps toward Han and says something. She can hear the rumble of his voice through the mask, but the words are unintelligible. Han takes a couple steps toward him and shouts something.

Kylo Ren stares at him. For a moment it looks like the world has frozen, as if the Force has swooped in and stopped all motion, all sense of time. Everything stretches out around them. And then he reaches up and removes the mask.

And for a moment she’s back in that room, back in that chair, and he’s hovering over her. Close, but never touching, gloved hand near her face, dark eyes unreadable as he watches her. He’s impossibly young, unblemished. She’s not sure what she expected when he took off the mask, but _this_ is not it. He barely seems older than her, and his long, unsmiling face is both a welcome surprise and a complete terror at the same time.

It’s the _normalcy_ of his face that is somehow terrifying. Because if he can fall, so can she. So can _anyone_.

She has no idea what she’s watching now, as he bares his face again. He doesn’t wait to speak this time, doesn’t wait for Han to be surprised at what he sees. There are words tumbling out of his mouth that she can’t hear, but still she watches like it’s some sort of holodrama playing out in front of them. Finn grabs at her, his hand just a little too tight on her upper arm. She glances over at him, meets his wide eyes. “I don’t know,” she says in answer to the question she can see there.

The two men below them move closer together. Kylo Ren’s hand is hovering over his lightsaber as he takes strides toward the smaller man further down the all too narrow walkway. “Snoke is using you for your power,” Han calls out. This she hears, loud and clear.

Kylo Ren flinches and she can see his mouth move, can see the word _No_ clearly on those expressive lips.

She flinches with him, can almost feel the harshness of his breathing inside her own chest, mouths the word with him.

“Rey?” Finn whispers next to her.

She reaches out a hand to steady herself, touches Finn’s shoulder briefly before gripping the railing. She doesn’t know what to say, cannot even begin to understand what is going on at that moment.

More words are spoken and she feels _something_. Pain, anguish, _terror_. She can barely breathe for the sensations flowing through her. Chewbacca down below seems as transfixed as they are.

And then Kylo Ren pulls out his lightsaber.

She lets out a gasp.

“He’s going to kill him,” Finn says and his voice is frantic in her ear. He’s clawing at her with one hand, and she can see him scrambling for his blaster. It won’t do any good. Not at this distance. Chewbacca has a chance with his bowcaster, but up where they are?

“There’s nothing we can do from here,” she hisses at Finn. “And he has the _Force_.” She reaches out and pushes Finn’s hand away from his blaster.

They need to wait for whatever happens next.

She doesn’t know why. Or even _what_ they’re waiting for.

But she _knows this_. Somehow. They have to _wait_. She’s good at waiting. She’s been waiting her whole life.

Down below, there is still a conversation going on. Kylo Ren drops the mask to the walk. It hits hard and she’s surprised at the way the sound echoes through the large chamber. A moment later, one of his booted feet collides with it and it goes careening down into the darkness below. _What…_

The hand holding his lightsaber turns it suddenly, directly toward Han, and she sucks in a breath. Finn lets out a soft curse and she’d glance his way, but she doesn’t want to take her eyes off the two men below her. When Finn reaches out and takes her hand, she doesn’t even pull away, instead squeezing his fingers far tighter than is probably comfortable.

“It’s too late.” Kylo Ren’s voice travels up to her, his lips moving slightly out of sync with the words as they hit her ears.

And then she’s _there_.

She can see _Han_ , can see the shine in his eyes, can feel him fighting for dominance over the lightsaber. Kylo’s hand is her hand and his eyes are her eyes and she hears Han say “It’s never too late. Come home. We miss you.”

“Home,” Kylo says and she speaks the word along with him. He shudders, and she finds that she wants to scoff at the word, though it’s always been one she’s cherished in ways only one who’s never had a true home can. She doesn’t know if it’s her heart or Kylo Ren’s heart that feels both heavy _and_ light at the thought of _home_.

Han reaches up and touches Kylo’s face and he _allows it_ and Rey is forced quite suddenly out of his mind.  She sputters for a moment as she watches Kylo release the lightsaber. Han is left holding it and even from that distance she can see his shoulders relax, just slightly. She only realizes in that moment just how tense Han had been.

And even while Han seems to be breathing a sigh of relief, holding tight to the lightsaber that Kylo has passed off to him, Kylo himself looks tenser than ever. He draws himself up to his full height, slowly, one gloved hand opening and closing as if he’d lost a part of himself when he passed off the lightsaber to the other man. There are words said. She can see their mouths moving, but cannot hear them. And then Han Solo is _embracing him_ and the world _twists_ around her, as if she’s just entered another reality.

This man froze her with the Force, captured her, interrogated her.

And Han is embracing him, a smile softening the lines of his face.

Kylo doesn’t move, doesn’t wrap his arms around Han. He stands there, almost awkwardly bent, as the older man reaches up to embrace him.

“What the hell?” Finn says next her and all she can do is nod in agreement.

 _What the hell, indeed_.

Han pulls away from Kylo and looks around. Chewbacca lets out a soft roar and Han nods at him. They both move almost as one, Kylo walking behind Han.

Rey finally manages to tear her eyes away from the scene below her as the world around them darkens.

“We have to get out of here,” Finn mutters. “The weapon.” He points at the darkening sun and that’s when she realizes that someone has started the first phase of the weapon. _Again_. It’s destroying this sun, taking all its energy. Soon it will take out another planet, another system, destroying the last hideout of the Resistance. Leia, Poe, BB8, all those she had met so briefly and not had a chance to get to know will be wiped out like so much chattel unless the bombs they’ve planted do the work they’re supposed to.

They’ve all been laid out where they need them to be and they’ll soon go off, taking the weapon – and the planet – with them.

Han looks up briefly at them, his eyes finding hers. Rey nods.

Kylo doesn’t look anywhere but right in front of him, following tensely at Han Solo’s heels. Of his own accord, she notes. He’s not in chains. He’s _following_ , like some sort of dog put to heel.

Rey turns to follow Finn. Finn, her only friend. He’s the only thing that makes sense in this world that’s suddenly gone so topsy-turvy.

* * *

The race to the Falcon is one that Rey barely remembers after it happens. She hears the first of the bombs go off before she’s out of the building. They’ve planted enough to take out the weapon that the small planet had become. It will destabilize everything, leading to complete destruction. It’s dead anyway, the natives either removed or enslaved. It’s a terrible loss of life, to be sure and a part of her wonders how many of those left behind are like Finn, forced into a life that they never wanted, torn away from family and given designations, not names.

Finn got out.

They never will.

It’s not something she’s entirely comfortable with, but she knows this is _war_ and innocent people are going to die no matter how much she tries to prevent it. All she can do now is get off the planet and work toward making a better life for herself and those still alive.

They race over the snowy ground and this time she does let Finn take her hand. It’s not comfort she needs, so much as just being _connected_ to someone. She can hear more bombs going off behind her and the ground shakes beneath her feet. More than once she almost tumbles to the ground, only Finn’s hand keeping her on her feet and moving.

He’s like a rock at that moment, rolling steadily downhill, determined and fierce. All she can do is follow him to their final destination: the _Falcon_. Han will be there. Chewbacca will too.

And Kylo Ren.

That makes her hesitate for a moment.

“Rey!” Finn shouts as her hand slips out of his. She careens after him. She’ll have to sort out her feelings on that after they’re safely off the planet. Those last few minutes are almost a blur as she pushes herself well past her usual endurance. The ground beneath her feet is shifting, but it’s not the shifting of the Jakku desert. It’s hard, but constantly moving. Almost as soon as she gets her feet under her, the ground tilts and moves. She can hear the sounds of trees being torn from the ground, tossed about like so much garbage, and she didn’t know that all that green could become so dangerous so fast.

She keeps running.

What choice does she have?

Stay on the disintegrating planet, face down the Stormtroopers. Or race back to the _Falcon_ and face down Kylo Ren and whatever he had done to her. She can still feel him there, pressing into her mind, can still see those dark eyes and that large gloved hand…

There are lights up ahead. She can hear Finn shouting her name and pointing.

 _Almost there_.

With one last burst of energy, she races out of the trees. And it’s there. The landing lights on, the door lowered. She can see Han standing there. Chewbacca stands behind him and bellows at them as they come into sight.

“I told you they’d make it!” Han is shouting.

Off to his left stands Kylo Ren, a silent specter. She can’t see his eyes in the dark, can only make out his tall black-clad form as she approaches Han and the _Falcon_.

“Come on. We need to blow this place!” Han says and Chewbacca roars his agreement.

Finn draws up short just before stepping onto the ship. There’s a moment there, where he stares at Kylo Ren and she can see his lips tightening. “I’m not going anywhere with him.”

Kylo says nothing. He shifts from one foot to the other. His hands, still gloved, are clenched together tight in front of him. Han glances at him for a moment. “Just get on the ship, Finn. I’m not leaving you behind.”

“But…”

“We don’t have time for this,” Rey bursts out with. She turns to Finn. “We’ll sort it out later. Come on, Finn.” As she walks past Kylo Ren, she narrows her eyes at him.

He won’t meet her eyes, instead turning his head carefully to the side as she continues past him.

Han is right behind them, rushing toward the cockpit with Chewbacca at his heels. Kylo strides on and for just half a second he looks like the arrogant figure she’d seen on the walkway so far below her.  And then he turns away and throws himself into one of the seats behind Han, arms crossed over his chest.

Rey doesn’t know what to make of this, why he’s there. Finn gives her a look, hard and cold, but she can see the confusion and worry and _exhaustion_ behind it. She nods and follows him out of the cockpit.

Han will get them off the planet. She has no doubt of it. But there are explanations that need to be had. They deserve that much at least.


	2. Chapter 2

Take-off is more eventful than she would have liked, really. The Falcon shakes as it pulls away from the planet and a moment later she hears Han shouting. There’s the sharp _thud_ of something hitting the ship and she falls briefly to her knees.

“Company,” she hears Han say, the word dark and ominous.

“I’m on it,” she shouts and dives into the gunner’s position. The Falcon takes at least two people to fly. She knows this much from her attempts at flying it. Han and Chewbacca can take care of that. She’ll get the TIE fighters off their back as they all tear away from the planet.

“I’ve got a lock on one of them, don’t… _Kriff_.” The latter is said as the Falcon shifts to the left and she loses her lock on one of the fighters tailing them. She can see the planet tearing itself apart and more TIE fighters taking off in pursuit of them. Three are on their tail, the rest hovering around one of the dreadnaughts that’s orbiting the planet.

She finally picks one of the TIEs that’s following them off, followed by another in quick succession. “Yes!” she shouts and hears Chewbacca let out a roar. “One more to go! Keep it steady!”

She shifts slightly to the right, can see the TIE fighter bearing down on them. It’s close, almost too close, when she has to smack the controls lightly. Just enough to unlock the damned thing and then she’s firing off a barrage of shots and the fighter is nothing more than a burst of flame quickly extinguished by the vacuum of space around it.

“You did it!” she hears Han shout.

It’s over.

They’re free.

For now.

She climbs out of the gunner’s position. Everything is quiet. No sound of TIE fighters in the air, no sound of Han and Chewbacca arguing over piloting the Falcon, no lightsaber igniting. Nothing.

When she steps back into the cockpit, Han is still sitting in his seat, but he’s turned and he’s watching Kylo. The younger man is saying nothing. His mouth, almost too generous and pretty for his long face, is pressed together and turned down at the corners.

“I want you to drop me off someplace.” Finn is the first to speak. “Anywhere. I don’t care. Just as long as I’m away from _him_.” He points at Kylo Ren and when he shifts in his seat, Finn backs up a pace or two. Finn’s eyes are wide and she’d laugh if she didn’t feel at least some of that terror creeping up inside her.

Instead, she reaches for her blaster. “I could take care of that problem _right now_.”

“Now hold on a second,” Han starts to say as he stands, holding up his hands.

Rey pulls the safety. “Safety,” she says and cocks an eyebrow at the older man.

“Rey!” He reaches around behind him and pulls out Kylo Ren’s lightsaber. “Look, I have this…this... _thing_.” He holds it almost as if it’s poison. “He can’t…”

“He _can_ ,” Rey interrupts with. “And he _will_.”

The man in question hasn’t so much as looked up at them. He’s still seated exactly where he was when Rey had entered the cockpit. All she can see from where she stands is black. Black outfit, long, unruly black hair. He hasn’t so much as moved a muscle, but she sees him twitch at their words every once in awhile.

No.

He twitches at _her_ words. She could see the way he flinched when she released the safety. But he doesn’t move to stop her and she cannot quite understand why.

“Ok, look, we need to talk about this,” Han says and there’s something about his body language, clearly uncomfortable with being the peacekeeper, but something _else_. “Just…follow me, ok? Chewie, you stay here with…” He doesn’t finish the sentence, just nods in the general direction of the black-clad specter haunting the cockpit and moves off.

Finn is at his heels in an instant.

Rey follows, a little bit more slowly, turning to look at Kylo just before she leaves the room. She’s surprised to see him watching her. His eyes are large in his too-pale face and she feels it like a punch to the gut. He’s _terrified_.

* * *

Finn is standing in one of the crew quarters, Han not far from him, when Rey enters.

“Sit down,” Han says, running one hand through his hair.

“I don’t think we need to...” Finn starts to say.

“Just _sit_. Dammit, this is going to take some explaining.”

“More explaining than Rathtars?” Rey asks. She doesn’t even know why. It’s just…there’s so much _tension_ in the room. She can feel it coming off Han and Finn in waves.

Han offers her a crooked grin. “Definitely more explaining than Rathtars.”

She blinks once, then again, and then finally sits. “ _Finn_.” He’s still standing and she needs him to just sit down so they can get this over with. Han looks increasingly nervous and it’s setting _her_ even more on edge than just knowing Kylo Ren is sitting mere feet away from them.

“Look, I get it,” Finn says as he finally sits. “We can bring him back to the Resistance and…”

“He’s my son,” Han says quietly.

Rey is sure she must not have heard right. Finn was still talking, so surely she could not have heard what she thought she heard coming from the mouth of Han Solo.

“He’s your – ” she starts to say. She can’t even get the word out.

“My son, yes.” He offers up a shrug, a half grin, doesn’t meet their eyes.

Finn says nothing.

Rey just stares at Han.

It’s completely incomprehensible. “You’re not making this up.” It’s a statement, not a question, but she’s suddenly sure this isn’t some strange fantasy of an old hero. “Kylo Ren is really…”

“His son,” comes the words from the door and she whips around to find the man in question standing in the doorway.

“Ben!” Han shouts and Rey looks back at him. Father and son.

“I hate that name,” comes the sullen voice of Kylo Ren… _Ben_.

“Yeah well, sorry kid. It’s the only name I’m calling you.” A spike of rage hits her and she takes a gasping breath. It’s not _her_ rage. “I refuse to call you anything that bastard Snoke invented.”

“He didn’t…”

“No? And I suppose you came up with that all on your own?”

Kylo Ren, _Ben_ , whoever he is, makes a huffing noise. Rey’s eyes flit between him and Han, trying to search out similarities between the two faces. They’re both tall, though Kylo is at least a few inches taller than Han. But that’s all she can come up with. Kylo’s hair is almost black and his features long and narrow. Han, well, he’s older now, but she can see the shades of what a princess must have once loved. Strong jaw, even features, though his nose is slightly crooked. “Adopted?” She blurts out the word almost as soon as the thought comes to her. _Kriffing hell_.

Han snorts. Actually _snorts_. And looks over at Kylo, _his son_. “He probably wishes.”

The other man says nothing for a moment, his eyes narrowed on Han, _his kriffing father_. “There are a great many things I wish.”

The voice sends a shiver down her spine, especially when his eyes land on her for a moment.

“ _Ben_ ,” Han says again. “Why don’t you just go back to the cockpit with Chewie?” He sounds somewhat exasperated and Rey is surprised to see Kylo do exactly as his father asks.

When he’s gone, she turns to Finn. “Surely you knew this?”

He blinks once and then meets her eyes. “I swear I didn’t know.”

“How could you not?”

Finn’s mouth opens, closes, opens again, and then he leans in close to her. “I didn’t even know what he looked like until about twenty minutes ago. I thought he was…”

“Some deformed creature?” she finishes with. “So did I.”

“I’m sure he’d love to hear that,” Han mutters.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Rey turns on him with. “You had all this time with us and you never said _anything_.”

Han sits down then and shakes his head. He looks small in that moment. Small and old and _sad_. “What was I supposed to say? Huh, kid? Oh yeah so you know that guy who just destroyed an entire village? That’s my boy!” She swallows back a word of retort. “It’s not like I’m exactly proud of it.”

She glances at the doorway. Could he hear them? Hear his own father say how he’s not proud of him? Not that he should expect any different. His name, or the name of Kylo Ren at least, is one that was bandied about the settlements at Jakku like he was some sort of bogeyman. Little was known about him, but the name alone struck terror into the masses.

And then one day he was there, searching for a droid. A black-clad terror of the Force. An entire village decimated; they say on his word alone. He’s not the revered leader of the totalitarian First Order, but he’s one of the figureheads, one of the ones who can do the most damage on his own, red lightsaber sparking, a match to the rage that informs his every movement.

She still remembers his hunting her through the forest, full of righteous anger. She had something that belonged to him and he was going to _take_ it from her.

_You know I can take whatever I want_.

But he didn’t.

He couldn’t.

And here they were, sharing space on his father’s kriffing ship.

“I don’t understand anything,” Rey finally says as she comes back to herself and looks first at Finn, then at Han.

“You think I do?” Han says with a small huff. “I’m just a smuggler, a hustler. I spend most of my time running _away_ from things rather than _to_ them.”

“But you ran to this,” she finishes for him.

“I had to.” The words are simple but there’s so much behind them. “I promised someone.”

“Leia,” Finn supplies.

_Kriff_. She’s not even sure why that affects her more. “Leia’s his mother. _Princess Leia_.”

“I think she prefers _General_ these days,” Han supplies.

“That’s not helpful,” Finn says.

“He’s a prince.” _Oh Force._ “Kylo Ren is a prince.” He must be, if his mother was a princess.

Han shorts again. “Of a dead world. Or haven’t you forgotten what happened to Alderaan?”

And then it dawns on her. The missing piece she hadn’t quite slotted into place. Alderaan, his mother’s home world, was destroyed by Darth Vader…his…She looks up and the look on her face must have been comical because Han actually bursts out with a laugh.

“That’s right, kid. He’s Darth Vader’s grandson.”

“Oh, _kriff._ ” And Han laughs again.

* * *

She needs the fresher. That’s all she can think about as she leaves Han and Finn alone in the room. She needs to wash away the dirt and horror of it all, watch it all flow off her body and down the drain. She’s never felt like she’s needed it _more_. And she spent damned near most of her life dirty and hungry scavenging in the sands of Jakku.

She doesn’t even spare a glance for the cockpit, though she knows he’s still there. She can _feel_ him, this specter of darkness and roiling emotions that’s lodged somewhere under her ribcage.

_His son_.

The son of war heroes. The son of the people who once defeated the Empire.

_He would have disappointed you_.

His words that echo in her mind take on new meaning. There was derision there, an assuredness she hadn’t understood at the time. She can’t imagine Han disappointing her and she wants to scoff at the thought that he had somehow _disappointed_ Kylo Ren. Han is the first person to draw her in, to put a fatherly hand on her shoulder, to call her kid. He shows her how to use a blaster, how to unlock the safety and aim. He asks her to join him.

No one wants Rey.

But Han Solo does.

And she’ll follow him to the ends of the galaxy, even if it means that she has to keep facing down Kylo Ren.

_Ben_ , she reminds herself. _Ben Solo_. She can’t quite say the name out loud, can’t quite reconcile the lovable rogue with the dark Force user.

_There must be something there_ …

She remembers watching Han and Leia embrace, remembers feeling the emotions coming from them. Han worried and uncertain, Leia strong and resolute. Now she knows. Now she understands. But she can still feel _him_ inside her head, that sort of slippery feeling of another consciousness dipping in, swimming through thoughts and feelings.

He’d seen far more than she had wanted him to.

She hadn’t been able to stop him, not until the very end, not until something had told her how to _push back_. And then she’d been there, inside _his_ mind, and it was a terrible and frightening and _lonely_ place.

_So lonely…_

And it wasn’t just her he was talking about. She’s sure of it. His mind had been steeped in it, _reeked_ of it.

_Don’t be afraid, I feel it too…_

She hadn’t been sure what those words meant, as he almost gently sifted through her thoughts and emotions. His eyes had been strangely soft in that moment, luminous in the dim lighting of the interrogation room.

_Don’t be afraid, I feel it too…_

And then she had changed _everything_. Even now she feels it. The course of her life, such as it was, had been altered in ways she’s still reeling from.

Was it really just a few days ago that she woke up in her AT-AT and headed off to scavenge what she could from the Empire ships left half buried in the sands?

_You, a scavenger_ …

She shivers at the words that come unbidden into her mind. There’s more weight to them now. He is a _prince_ , heir to a dead throne, son of a general and the hero who helped save their galaxy shortly before his birth. She’s an inconsequential nothing, left to fend for herself in the Jakku desert. It’s all she can remember and even now she’s not sure if the words she remembers her mother (father? _someone_?) saying to her, telling her they would come back, are the fevered imaginings of a young, scared child or something more grounded in reality.

The water of the fresher feels good against her skin and she scrubs herself almost raw before stepping out. She has just the one outfit and so puts her dirty scavenger’s clothing back on. But still, with her hair dripping onto her shoulders and her skin freshly cleaned, she feels better.

The knock comes at the door just a few moments after she’s dressed herself again and she gasps. _Ren_ …

Shaking her head, she steps toward the door, putting her hand against. “Rey?” she hears on the other side. “Rey it’s me. Are you ok?”

_Finn_.

She presses the button and there he is. She’s known him only a few scant days but there’s _comfort_ there. He came back for her. No one has ever come back for Rey. Even now he just looks so _relieved_ to see her as he moves past her and lets the door shut behind him.

“We need to find a way to get out of here,” he says without preamble.

Rey sighs. “Not this again. Finn, we…”

“Kylo Ren.” He holds up his hand. “Rey. We have _Kylo Ren_ on this ship…”

“I’m aware of that.” No one is more aware than her. She can _feel_ him, a darkness gathering somewhere in the corners of her mind.

“Kylo Ren,” he repeats. She wants to roll her eyes. “He’s not even handcuffed.”

“Would that even do anything?” She cringes when Finn’s eyes widen.

He curses softly under his breath. “Probably not.” He heaves a sigh as he sits down on one of the beds and puts his head in his hands. “I ran from the First Order to escape him. He saw me, Rey. When I couldn’t fire on that village, standing in the middle of all that destruction and horror, he was there. He stopped and looked at me. I don’t even know how I _knew_ he was looking at me. He still wore that creepy mask that he always favored.”

“Did he always wear it?” She doesn’t even know where the question comes from.

Finn nods. “Yeah. I never saw what he looked like until he was on that bridge.”

She almost tells him about the interrogation, about how he took it off for her, baring a face that was nothing like she expected to see. But it’s still too raw; she’s still processing it all. And so she stays silent.

“I ran, Rey. I had to. They were going to _recondition_ me and I’d heard stories. Horrible things done to turn you into one of them, to take away _you_. I needed to escape before they ripped my mind away or he killed me.” He shudders and she reaches out a hand to touch his shoulder. “And now here we are. Bringing him back to our _base_. This can’t be safe. Not for me, not for anyone.”

“Leia will know what to do with him…”

“She’s his _mother_!” The words explode out of him.

“Finn…”

“Do you honestly think she’ll be objective about him?”

“I…”

“Exactly. Rey, we need to get out of here. Before he kills one of us.”

“He won’t kill me.” The words are out of her mouth before she can take them back, but she realizes there is a _truth_ there. He won’t. He _can’t_. She doesn’t know why, but the reason is sitting there right below the surface. If she looks close enough, she might be able to see it.

Finn just stares at her, his brow furrowed, and blinks a couple times. “Well, maybe you’re safe. I don’t know why you _would_ be. But let’s say you are. That doesn’t mean the rest of us are.” He stands then and Rey follows him as he takes a couple steps toward the door. It opens when he presses the button and he turns back to her for a moment. “Just think about it, ok”

And then he’s gone, leaving Rey with a jumble thoughts and worries that she can barely make sense of.


	3. Chapter 3

The flight through hyperspace is long and boring. He’s never liked it, never cared about being in space, about traveling so fast through the stars. The blue of the rushing world around him always lulls him into a place of, if not peace, at least mindlessness.

There is no peace for Kylo Ren.

There was never any peace for Ben Solo either.

And is there peace for whoever he is _now_? Half of one and none of either? There can’t be. There won’t be. There’s too much blood on his hands, too much he’s done and can’t take back.

_You didn’t murder your father_.

There was a moment, there on that bridge, when his finger hovered over the button to ignite his lightsaber, when he could almost see it drive through his father’s chest.  He could see his father’s eyes widen when he realized what he’d done, that it was all in vain, that his son really was as dark and terrible as he’d always feared. That his son truly _was_ a monster.

But he hadn’t done it.

He still doesn’t know what stopped him, what stayed his hand. He’s not sure he’ll never understand what happened there. One moment he was ready to do Snoke’s bidding and the next he was rushing after his father, lightsaber in his father’s hands, and the scavenger and the traitor following them onto a ship he swore he’d never return to.

He watches the hyperspace lane from his quarters and wonders, not for the first time, if anyone would miss him if he launched himself out of the airlock? He’s never believed they would and so what would the point be, really? He’s never wanted to, at any rate. Not really.

_Your father came after you_ …

And there’s the crux of the issue for him. His father, his kriffing father who he hasn’t seen since he was sent off to Luke’s Academy as a teenager, _he_ has come for him. In so many ways the man hasn’t changed. Still the smuggler, still flying about in the piece of junk Falcon that he always seemed to love more than his son, still accompanied by that “walking carpet” as his mother always affectionately called Chewbacca.

But he’s _not_ the same.

His hair has turned grey, his face a little jowly. He looks old and his eyes look tired. But still he was _there_ and Kylo knows it should count for something. Instead there’s an edge to every movement that Kylo Ren, that _Ben Solo_ , makes. He feels it bubbling just beneath the surface, roiling through his body like fire, burning everything he is and everything he was.

He doesn’t know if he made the right decision.

He may never know.

And that may have to be good enough for now.

He jerks out of his reverie when he hears the door slide open behind him. He stands, spins, reaches for his lightsaber and comes up empty.

“Sorry, kid,” his father says, hands raised. He can see his lightsaber hanging from his father’s belt and almost snarls at that. “You know I can’t give it back right now, right?”

“You call her kid, too,” Kylo says instead and cringes at the petulant bent to the words. She sees Han as the father she never had and he wonders if his father would have been better off with _her_ as a child. Or someone like her at least.

She has the Force too.

That much is apparent.

But there’s a lightness there, this sort of effervescent _something_ that he can feel even now.

“She’s a good kid,” his father says with a shrug. “You were too.”

Kylo snorts. “ _Were_.”

Han shrugs again and Kylo feels something pull at his heart, a memory. That nonchalance, always present, so much a part of his father’s interactions with his mother. _Yeah, well, maybe Luke can help. Maybe he can…I don’t know…fix him_.

As if he were a broken part of the Falcon, just need to flip a few switches and he can be _fixed_. He hopes his father has no illusions about him now. Murderer, more the grandson of Darth Vader than the son of Han Solo.

“We haven’t talked about what happens when…” His voice trails off and Kylo picks up the pieces from there.

“When we go back. When I face her.” _His mother._

“When you face all of them,” Han replies with.

“Do you want me in cuffs?” He can just imagine it. The prodigal son come home, handcuffed, awaiting execution. He supposes the only thing he has going for him at that point is that he didn’t actually kill his father. Despite Snoke’s pushing, twisting his insides up until he was never quite sure if the voice he heard was his own or _his_ , he didn’t do it. He couldn’t do it.

_But, Force, he had wanted to_.

“I’m sure that’s what they’ll want,” he continues on with. “Lead me out in cuffs, with that scavenger holding my own grandfather’s lightsaber to my throat.” He feels the bile in his throat at the thought.

“Rey,” his father says in response.

“Pardon?”

“Well, at least you still have some manners.” Kylo’s eyebrows draw low over his eyes and his father just smirks. “Rey. Her name is Rey. You should probably get use to calling her that. Something tells me you’re going to be spending some time together.” The last is muttered under his breath.

“Because of her abilities.” He doesn’t even have to ask it. He knows. There’s a strength there that he’s not seen before. He still doesn’t know how she escaped the interrogation room. He’d left her there cuffed to the table. She shouldn’t have been able to escape and yet she was gone in the mere moments between his leaving to speak to Snoke and returning. Disappeared like she had never even been there.

“Yeah.”

“You didn’t come here to discuss the…” He pauses, draws in a breath. “… _Rey_.”

“No.”

“Then?”

His father sighs. “It’s just that…maybe you should change before we get to the base.”

It’s the last thing he expected his father to say and he can’t stop his eyebrows from rising and his mouth half-opening in surprise. “Change?”

“Yeah it’s just…that little dress you prefer…”

“It’s a _robe_ , Dad. The Jedi wear them too.” _Kriff_. It’s the first time he’s called him _Dad_ since he was a kid and it feels strange on his tongue, coming from his lips. His father and he never did see eye to eye, never did figure out how to communicate, and Han had never _ever_ understood the Force. And it wasn’t that he even tried. He just left all that _weird magic stuff_ to his uncle.

“Well, whatever it is, you look too much like Kylo Ren in that outfit.”

“I _am_ Kylo Ren.” There’s a sneer behind the words, but he keeps his face schooled into a neutral expression.

“Right, whatever. Look…there are clothes on this ship. Some of my old stuff. Maybe some of it will fit?” He almost says something and his father holds up his hands. “Just think about it, ok? This might all go over better if I bring back my son and not Kylo Ren.”

And then he’s gone, the door sliding shut silently behind him. And Kylo lets out a deep breath. It would be a lot easier if his father wasn’t _right_.

* * *

“We must be close?” Rey leans over the dash as Chewbacca growls softly. “Yeah? I’ll be glad to get off this ship.” Chewbacca growls again and she laughs. “No, there’s nothing wrong with it.”

“I can’t believe you can understand him,” Finn says, eying the Wookiee rather warily.

“You learn a lot at a trading post,” she points out. Even though it’s not quite true. The languages…they come easily to her. She picks them up in no time, as if she had grown up speaking them. She’s never understood that ability and yet there it was. Maybe, just maybe…well, she feels it flowing more through her now. _The Force_.

“I guess,” Finn mutters. She eyes him for a moment, but he says nothing else.

“You don’t like it.”

“The Force?” She nods. “What’s to like?” he goes on with. “I mean, you’ve seen Kylo Ren.” He waves a hand toward the rest of the ship. He’s there, somewhere. She can still feel him, a riot of emotions that leave her feeling like she has whiplash. Rage that almost boils over, snuffed out by something deeper, darker, and then nothing. As if he’s pulled himself out of the Force briefly.

“He’s not the only one with the Force,” she says quietly.

“No, there’s Luke Skywalker, myth and legend. But where is he?” Finn sweeps a hand out around himself. “I don’t see him here rescuing anyone or coming to our aid.”

“ _Our_ aid?”

Finn shakes his head. “Their aid, I guess.”

“You’re still going to leave.” The plans are written all over his face.

“What do you expect me to do? Follow Kylo Ren?”

“I don’t think he’ll be leading…”

“He’s not even in _cuffs_.  I get it. He’s Han Solo’s kid. But that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be in kriffing chains.”

“Chains wouldn’t hold him,” she says quietly. She doesn’t even know how she knows this, but she’s certain of that fact. _Nothing_ would hold Kylo Ren. If he wants to walk into their base and start using the Force to take them all out, he can. He’s there by his father’s grace, of course, but he’s also there because he _chose_ it. She has no idea what that means.

“No,” Finn says. “And that’s why I have to leave.”

“If he wanted to kill us, he would have by now,” Rey responds with.

Finn watches her for a moment. “Are you _defending_ him?”

“I don’t sense any malice from him. Not…exactly…”

“What does that mean?”

She takes a deep breath to respond, but she doesn’t get a chance to. Not a bad thing, really, as she has no idea what to even say. Han steps out of the room he closed himself up with Kylo with. He looks…well…she’s not quite sure. A little harried, a little worried.

“We’re almost there,” he says as he steps by them and sits down in the pilot’s seat. Chewbacca gives a soft growl and she knows even Finn can hear the question in it.

“He’s changing,” Han says in answer.

“I doubt he could change that much,” Finn says and Han turns around with a half-smile on his face.

“I meant his clothes.”

“What, really?” Finn’s eyes are almost bugging out of his head. It would be comical if the whole thing weren’t so absurd.

She can’t quite imagine Kylo Ren in anything else. Black…all black. Black hair, black cloak, black tunic. Everything just _black_. She’d say as black as his soul, but he didn’t kill his father so maybe there’s still a spot of light in there somewhere. She supposes that’s something.

Han just shrugs and turns back to the viewport, flipping a few switches.

Rey feels the Falcon come out of hyperdrive, watches the blue turn to black dotted with pinpricks of light. It’s a sight that she’s sure she’ll never tire of. It takes her breath away, realizing the stars that were so far away on Jakku are ones she just traveled by. She has no real sense of just how far they’ve gone. She just knows the distance must be _massive_.

She’s not sure if that terrifies her or excites her. It’s beautiful and the galaxy is a frightening place. But she’s no longer a slave to Unkar Plutt, no longer a slave to starvation and dehydration. She’s no longer a scavenger.

She’s Rey.

And she has the Force.

“You do,” comes the words from somewhere behind her.

She whirls on Kylo Ren. “Stop reading my mind.”

He shrugs. “It’s not like the thoughts aren’t right there on the surface.” He watches her with far too serious eyes, his lips pulled into a slight frown, as if he’s waiting for her to lash out.

She doesn’t though.

She’s not him. She’s not _angry_. Just…annoyed. And then she lets her eyes stray from those piercing eyes and down the rest of him and… _kriffing hell_. Strapped to the interrogation chair, running by him onto the Falcon, seeing him in the doorway as they discussed his fate, never quite gave her an impression of just how kriffing _massive_ he is.

Not that she had given it much thought, but she supposes some small part of her had been sure his outfit was armor beneath the padding, giving him a sort of breadth that he actually lacked. But no, the shirt he’s put on, white like his father’s, is just a little too small on him. When he moves his arms, she can see the muscles stretch the fabric and she worries he’s going to just tear right out of it. He’s put on a vest over it, but he can’t close that up, so it hangs loosely to just above his waist. It’s too short on him. As are the pants, which hug the muscles of his thighs and end a few inches above his ankle.

After a moment of complete silence, she realizes she’s trying to hold back a smile. And then a laugh. She doesn’t laugh often. The hard life of a Jakku scavenger does not lend itself to humor. And yet this is _absurd_. “You look ridiculous.”

She’s surprised to see his high cheekbones tint a little pink at her words. “I’m aware of that,” he mutters.

Han turns around then and eyes him. “You look fine, son.” He turns back to his controls. “Millenium Falcon requesting permission to dock.”

“Han, is that you?” comes the voice on the other end. Rey doesn’t recognize it right away. She’s only met the woman once and briefly at that. But she sees Kylo Ren flinch, watches the way his shoulders bunch up beneath the fabric of his shirt.

He wants to _bolt_.

Rey turns to Finn and mouths _his mother._ Finn nods and she’s amused to see the corners of his mouth fighting to remain neutral. He wants to laugh, she realizes, and it’s a horrible thing.

“Yeah, that’s me,” Han responds with.

Nothing for a moment, and then – “I had a premonition…is he…”

Han’s eyes flash to Kylo Ren for just a moment. “He’s with me,” he says quietly.

Leia says nothing on the other end. When her voice comes over the line again, Rey can hear the slight tremor to it. “Permission to land.” The line goes dead then and Rey keeps an eye on Kylo. His face is _white_. Well, he’s always pale; spending most of his time holed up in space and under a mask will do that to a person, but right now even his lips have lost color. The dark circles under his eyes have become more prominent.

And there it is again. This sense of impending doom, overwhelming terror.  _He’s afraid to face his own mother_.

He turns toward her as the thought enters her mind and she looks away as soon as his eyes meet hers. She hates that she feels some sort of compassion for the monster. He’s killed people, came close to killing his own father, yet she feels almost sorry for him that he has to come home to face his _mother_ of all people.

She’d give anything for a mother, for knowledge of her mother even, for knowledge of where she came from, who she _is_. And here this monster gets to return to his family, the prodigal son come home at last.

“You hate me,” he says and her eyes flit back to his for a moment. “You don’t need to say it. I can feel it.”

“Get out of my head.”

He cocks his head slightly to the side. “I’m not in it. Not at the moment. You’re just…” He waves a hand in the air.

“Whatever you’re about to say, _don’t_.”

He says nothing, thankfully, and she turns away from him to watch out the window as they come in for landing. Han Solo is, of course, as good a pilot as he’s ever been, bringing it in smoothly. It barely makes a bump when they finally land on the pad.

And then Han is up and out of his seat. He halts near his son and puts a hand on his shoulder. “She wants to see you, Ben.” Kylo says nothing, but she can see his shoulders tense up beneath his father’s hand. “She sent me to bring you home.”

“Typical,” Kylo says. “You would never have come on your own.”

“Son,” Han starts to say.

“Save it,” Kylo cuts him off with. He steps closer to his father and she’s surprised to see that he even towers over him. “I’m only here because you were right.” Han’s eyebrows shoot up. “He would have killed me eventually, when he was done with me. Used me up like so much garbage. I’m here because this is the only choice I had.”

Rey stands up then. “I think it’s time to get off this ship.” The words are a little too strident, dropping heavily into the tense atmosphere. Chewbacca offers a growled agreement.

Han doesn’t look at her. His eyes are still on his son as Kylo turns away from him. There’s a flash of _something_ in the younger man’s eyes as his father says, “You keep telling yourself that, son. Maybe someday you’ll actually believe it.” He shakes his head once and then looks away from him. “Alright, Rey’s right. It’s time to get off this ship.”

Finn jumps up to join her. “You’ve never said anything that sounded better than that.” He spares a quick glance for Kylo Ren as he makes a wide berth around him to lead the way. Rey follows him off the ship to face the small entourage waiting for them.

“Finn!” Poe shouts and she watches as her friend runs toward him, hugging him as they’re reunited. There’s something there, not just brotherly love, but something more, some sort of true affection. She follows more slowly, waiting for Finn to reach out and pull her in toward them. “You’ve not met Rey!” he exclaims.

“No, I have not.” The look he gives her she can only describe as appreciative and so she reaches out a hand to grasp his. She’s afraid he’ll _hug_ her. And she’s not much for touching or being touched. A handshake seems safe. Poe glances at her hand for a moment, and with a shrug and a smirk takes her hand in a firm grip. “It’s nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

He finally drops her hand and she smiles, genuine at least. “Likewise.” She’s watching him and she knows the moment Kylo has left the Falcon. Poe’s face is expressive, she realizes. His lower jaw drops slightly and his eyes widen for just a moment, before narrowing with a hard glint. He turns away from her and she sees him grab something off one of the nearby security guys. They’re armed to the teeth, but it’s not a blaster he reaches for. It takes her a moment to realize what she’s seeing.

_Cuffs_.

“That’s Kylo Ren,” he mutters. The name drops heavily into the quiet of the room. There’s a moment when everyone around her seems to be holding their collective breath. Rey turns away from Poe, from Finn, and watches the ensuing drama. Han Solo steps down first and Kylo Ren, _Ben_ , is somewhere slightly behind him. His father reaches out a hand and clasps his son around the upper arm.

Kylo still looks ridiculous and she supposes that’s why the murmurs around them seem almost disbelieving of Poe’s tight exclamation. But he’s so _sure_ of himself, of his words. And then General Organa steps forward.

Kylo hesitates.

His father shoves him forward. He stumbles and she watches his lip turns up in the start of a sneer. And then he comes face to face with… _her_.

Leia Organa is a tiny woman. She looks even smaller standing before the hulking mass that is her son. And she is perfectly poised, spine ramrod straight, hair impeccably coifed, eyes almost steely as she stares at him. And then – “Ben.” Quiet, a little broken. Han looks away from her, but her son does not. He simply bows his head, as if he’s waiting for the pronouncement from her. Prison, death, absolution. Rey realizes any of it is possible.

“That’s Kylo Ren!” Poe shouts and the moment is gone. Kylo’s head shoots up and Leia turns around to face the crowd. The murmurings around her turn a little angry. Rey sees more than one person going for their blaster.

There are too many people.

Too much anger.

Pain.

Terror.

“Stop!” she shouts, throwing her hands out. Some of the people closest to her are knocked backward a few paces. When she looks up, Kylo is watching her. His face is still schooled into that carefully blank expression he seems to wear at most times, but there’s something there in his eyes.

Leia looks between the two of them. The look on her face is unreadable, but Rey can _feel_ her through the Force, can sense surprise and elation and just a touch of amusement. After a long moment of watching her, Leia finally turns back to her son. The words she speaks are too quiet for Rey to hear, too quiet for anyone except those closest, but she feels _his_ reaction as he recoils slightly.

“I have intelligence.” The words are loud and clear.

“Not right now,” the general says as she turns away. “We need to find a safe place and then we’ll deal with whatever you might have to offer.”

Kylo flinches.

Han sighs.

“We can’t,” Kylo says and rushes forward. His eyes are a little wilder than usual when he actually reaches out to touch his mother’s arm. She whirls back to him and he releases her.

“We can…and we will.” The words are curt. She turns on a dime and strides off, and Rey once again finds herself impressed with the woman’s poise in the face of what surely must be a riot of emotions. She can feel them, from her, from _him_ , from everyone around her, wild in the air about her.

“They’re tracking you through hyperspace!” Kylo shouts and strides toward his mother.

She stops but doesn’t turn back toward him for a moment. When she does, all eyes are on her. Except Rey’s. She’s watching Kylo and the strange, pleading look in those dark eyes holds her gaze. “What?” Leia says at last.

“That’s impossible,” Rey hears Poe mutter from close at her side.

Kylo’s eyes flit toward him briefly. “It’s not.”

“How?” Leia asks.

Kylo’s lips tightened together and he shakes his head. “I don’t know. But all I know is if you jump to hyperspace right now, they’ll be right behind us. There’s no escaping.”

“Then why are you here?” Poe explodes with, striding forward. He raises the cuffs he’s holding. Kylo turns to glare at him. “Permission to cuff him, General.”

Kylo snorts.

“Why _are_ you here?” Leia asks.

Rey remembers what he told his father, about Snoke, about knowing he was a dead man if he stayed. There had been a bitterness there, but the words hadn’t quite rung true. Kylo just stares at his mother and it’s obvious he has no answer for her question. _He doesn’t know_. And somehow that feels more dangerous than any other possible answer.

Leia sighs when he doesn’t respond and turns on her heel. “Come with me then. We’ll need to discuss this. Poe? With me.”

“Yes Ma’am.” He falls in behind Leia and her son, giving Rey and Finn a dark look as he passes by. As they leave the hangar in near-silence, he’s turning the cuffs over and over in his hands and she knows that he’s itching for any excuse to use them on the tall, silent man in front of him.

Rey starts to move after them when she feels a hand clap her on the shoulder. “Let them go, kid.” She turns to see Han standing there, watching his son as he follows his mother. “There’s a world of hurt there.”

“You’re not going with them?” she says as she notices he makes no attempt to follow.

“No way.” The words are tossed off lightly, but she can hear the tightness to his voice. “Leia always was better at handling him than I was.”

And for one moment, just a fleeting moment in time, Rey feels sorrow for the man their son has become, for the boy that Han Solo felt must be “handled” rather than simply loved.

 


	4. Chapter 4

The next few days are a whirlwind of activity at the base. The First Order hasn’t tracked them there. Not yet. But they’re lying in wait. Everyone can feel them breathing down their necks, just waiting for them to make the wrong move, that _fatal_ mistake.

Tracking through hyperdrive…

It’s something no one had ever heard of, but Kylo Ren has assured them that it’s a technology the First Order has gotten ahold of. He won’t say how. She’s not sure he even _knows_ how. All he says is that they do and they’re waiting, out there somewhere, biding their time until the Resistance leave their base of operations and hits the hyperspace lanes. They’ll hunt them down through the galaxy until there’s no fuel left and they have no place to go. And then they’ll destroy them once and for all.

“Maybe it’s _him_ ,” Poe says during one contentious meeting. He’s taken to fingering the cuffs he’s left hanging off his belt, as if it’s some sort of threat against the Force user.

“Him?” Leia asks.

“Yeah.” And then Poe is up off his feet and stepping close to Kylo Ren. “Maybe you’re just here so they can track us through _you_.”

Kylo says nothing, glaring at him and crossing his arms over his chest.

“Poe,” Leia says and Rey finds the almost motherly affection to her voice a little off-putting. She’s not heard her speak to her own son that way. Those words are sharp, exasperated, like she doesn’t quite know what to do with him. It’s clear she’s thankful he’s come home and yet isn’t quite ready to forgive him for all his sins.

“I think he’s onto something,” Finn says. He’s opted to stay for now, though he still often talks about leaving, finding someplace to go where he can hide out from the First Order. He tries to talk her into going with him more than once, but she can’t shake the feeling that _this_ is where she’s supposed to be.

She can feel the Force rocketing through her and she can feel it flowing around Kylo Ren. He’s the only other person that’s _felt_ that way to her. So here she’ll remain, though she stays far away from Kylo. He shoots her looks on occasion, but otherwise doesn’t approach her. They circle each other though, sometimes in her dreams, sometimes in her nightmares. She can sense him out there, just waiting to get back into her mind.

“Finn,” Rey says under her breath as her friend stands up and walks over to Poe.

“No, I think Poe’s right. No one ever heard of hyperspace tracking before. Maybe it’s just _him_. They’ve put something on him.”

“Search him!” Poe calls out.

A couple of their guards approach slowly, warily, shooting Kylo looks of abject terror. No one wants to touch him and probably rightly so. Kylo shoots to his feet then and the two guards scurry back. They’re frightened animals, stalked by an overly large panther who could have them for dinner if he so desired.

Poe glares at them. “Search him,” he repeats.

Kylo trains his gaze on the two guards and they refuse to move another step toward him.

“This is ridiculous!” someone says and it takes Rey a moment to realize that _she_ is the one who spoke out. “I’ll do it.” And no one questions her as she strides over to Kylo. Finn almost does. She can see him raise a hand, but Poe pulls him back and she’s pretty sure she hears _leave it_ come from him.

When she steps in front of Kylo and looks up, she’s struck again by just how massive he is. Tall and broad, he makes her feel _tiny_. And Rey is not particularly tiny; she’s taller than most of the women on base.

Kylo is looking down at her and she is surprised to find his eyes wide, mouth half open. “You don’t have to do this,” he says.

“It seems I do.” She stands up a little straighter. “Everyone else is afraid of you.”

“And you’re not.”

“ _Should_ I be?” she shoots back with.

The expression on his face never changes, but there’s a current in the Force that buffets her and for a moment she feels like she can’t breathe. “Yes,” he finally says, but there’s nothing decisive behind the word.

She says nothing more, just reaches up, hesitates, and finally puts her hands on his shoulders. She can’t take her eyes from his as she runs her hands down his arms, feeling for _something_. She doesn’t know what. _Nothing_ , the Force tells her. _He’s hiding nothing_. But she has to do this for show and so she shuts her eyes as she lightly touches him, feeling the whipcord muscles of his arms beneath the thin layer of his shirt, running her hands across the breadth of his chest. He sucks in a breath then and her eyes go back up to his.

His cheeks are tinged pink and she almost smiles at the sight. Shaking her head, she quickly feels down his sides and across the pockets of his pants and that is _enough_. “He’s not hiding anything,” she says as she steps back, her fingers almost feeling _burned_ after touching him. Kylo releases a breath and sits down heavily.

She turns away then and walks back over to Finn.

“What the hell was that?” Finn asks and he sounds weirdly frantic.

“What was what?”

“You,” he says and there’s a dark look in his eyes. “Him.”

She glances over at Kylo, who’s still slumped in his chair and she shrugs. “Nothing.”

Poe is calling for more of a search and Kylo’s face is even redder than before. The place erupts into calls for his head, for a complete strip search, and Rey decides maybe that’s the best time to leave. She doesn’t want to think of anyone doing _that_ and her hands are still feeling strangely tingly after coming into contact with Kylo.

* * *

They drag him off to the medic’s ward where they’ll force him to submit to any sort of search or test to deem him not a danger to them. And yet he can’t get the feel of _her hands_ touching him out of his mind. His skin _burns_ in the paths her hands took. Her search hadn’t been thorough, but it still left him reeling.

_No one touches him_.

Not with any sort of gentleness in their touch.

His father had hugged him, of course, but that had been a quick clapping on the back as he had near-collapsed from the weight of the decision he had just made.

This was different.

_She was searching you, get over it…_

She was and yet she didn’t _have_ to. He was all too sure that Dameron would have been happy to do it. He’s quite sure the hot-shot pilot was just raring to get his hands on him after what Kylo had done to him, ripping into his mind with much less finesse than he was capable of.

But Rey had stepped forward.

Rey had touched him.

Rey, the scavenger.

He had felt the Force wrap tightly around them. For a short bit, there had only been her and him and no one and nothing else. There had been no fear there, not with that one. But there had been something else, something he couldn’t define, even though he had reached out for it, tried to pull it to himself, to examine it. And then she’d stepped back and the moment was over. He’d been left feeling unsteady and completely unsure of the world around him.  

The medics are clearly terrified of him, speaking too fast, moving too fast. It’s all giving him a raging headache. His mother stays with him at least, though she’s likely more there as a general of the Resistance than a parental figure. When they ask him to strip, he feels the heat creep up his face as he glances at her.

“It’s nothing I haven’t seen before, son,” she points out.

_Not since I was a young boy,_ he almost says but instead simply nods at her, doing as the medic asks.

He can _feel_ his mother through the bond as the layers come away. He’s not ashamed of his body. He’s worked hard for every bit of strength he possesses, realizing a long time ago that physical strength was just as important in the Force as mental strength. But she’s not seen the scars that grace his pale skin. Some delicate and old, the marks of lightsaber battles at the academy when they’d all gone just a little too far. Some raw and fresh, the marks of Snoke’s Force lightning or the whips of the Praetorian guards as Snoke set them on him.

She gasps and he turns to look at her, just briefly. “Did you _think_ that Snoke would be kind to me?” Something rips through him when he says the name and he almost doubles over.

_Snoke_.

It’s not that he’s forgotten about him. Far from it, really. He’s the one snag, ok maybe not the _only_ one, but he’s perhaps the biggest hitch in an otherwise completely not thought-out plan.

Step one: Defect from the First Order.

Step two: …

That’s all he has. The first wasn’t planned. The pull to the light had sucked him in as he stood on that bridge staring down into his father’s eyes. It’s as if, for one moment, _Ben_ had resurfaced. As if that child he had once been, the one who wanted to fly like his father, who wanted to be an ace pilot like his father, the child who had dreamed of adventures in his lighter moments, had just reared his head and handed over his lightsaber to his father.

Han still had it, so far as he knew, and Kylo missed it like he’d miss his left arm. A part of him torn away. He can sense it, can feel it pulsing somewhere on the base, and so far he’s resisted its siren’s call.

But he can’t for long.

He feels more naked without that lightsaber than he does standing before the medics as they check him over for any signs of an implant, as they dig through the hair on his head and touch him in places that no one has ever touched him.

He shudders, revulsion and humiliation ripping through him as his mother watches the dispassionate medics complete the examination.

He’s x-rayed then, one final horror as he’s shoved behind a screen.

And then he can get dressed.

“Nothing,” he hears the medic tell his mother and he watches as her eyes turn to him. There’s a flash of something there…sorrow, maybe…and then they harden again.

“It seems you were telling the truth,” his mother says quietly. No apology will be offered. Leia Organa does not apologize for doing what she must.

“I’m not a liar,” he shoots back with.

Her eyebrows rise. “No, I suppose you were never that.” He crosses his arms over his chest and only then does she seem to realize he’s still not wearing a stitch of clothing. She clears her throat. “You can get dressed.”

She waits for him as he does so, slipping back into the clothes they’ve provided for him since they arrived at the base. It wasn’t easy finding clothing large enough to fit him. The shirt is still just a bit too tight and he’s afraid if he stretches in the wrong way it might tear. His father’s promised to find him something better fitting once they get off the base and on their way.

She walks him to his quarters and they stop there. She steps back as he enters and she’s just about to step away when he reaches out and stops the door from closing. “Am I a prisoner?”

His mother sighs. “For now? No.”

He nods. “My lightsaber?”

His mother looks somewhat taken aback at the question. The Force has always been there for him, sometimes a soothing presence, but more often a disruptive bit of darkness that his mother hated so much she sent him away to his uncle in the vain hope that he might be _cured_ of whatever ailed him.

_She’ll never understand._

“I don’t – ” she starts to say.

“I don’t want to be completely unprotected,” he interrupts her with. He doesn’t have to remind her what will become of him if the First Order attacks, if they capture him. He’s a defector, a traitor to their cause. He won’t survive. The Force is all well and good, and he certainly makes use of that in combat, but there’s only so much that alone can do. His lightsaber is as much a part of him now as the Force is.

“I’ll send your father.” And then she’s gone and he allows the door to close between them. 

* * *

 

_She’s the only thing in the light. The room around her is pitch black, as if there’s a spotlight on her and her alone. She blinks against the brightness of it, can feel her eyes water. “Hello?”_

_She strains against the cuffs holding her to the chair._

_Chair? No…it’s a table._

That _table._

_She knows where she is._

_The room swims around her._

_She’s watching, looking, waiting. She can see herself there, trapped, heart beating as fast as a bird on the wing, eyes wide, mouth in a grimace._

_“You’re my guest.”_

_And she’s not sure if she heard that or said that or both._

_“I’m no one’s guest…Get out of my head!”_

_She can feel it. The Force. It’s everywhere. It’s_ everything _._

_“I can take whatever I want.”_

_She strains against the cuffs and yet moves forward at the same time. And she can feel it…_ it _…something. Crawling inside her mind like ants, reaching in, twisting her heart, her soul. She reaches out a hand toward herself, watches as the black leather glove extends._

_The whisperings in her mind increase in volume._

_She can almost make out the words._

_“You will bring Luke Skywalker to me.”_

_But that’s not her voice._

_That’s not Kylo Ren’s voice._

_That’s…_

She comes awake with a gasp, hands fisted in the sheets that she’s somehow managed to tangle around herself as she thrashed in her sleep. She blinks once, twice, and sits up. Her heart is beating fast, sweat beading at her brow.

_Who was that?_

She isn’t one who’s normally prone to nightmares. She’s seen a lot, done a lot. Kylo Ren being in her head was uncomfortable and it awakened _something_. She feels both lighter and heavier these days, as if she’s weighted down by whatever happened there and yet soaring high as the Force moves more freely within her.

But that voice…

She’s never felt anything like it, a livewire inserted into her brain as it slips inside, scraping her mind _raw_. It could read every thought, tearing through them with all the subtlety and care of a Rancor. Even now, aware that it was a dream ( _a nightmare_ , her brain helpfully provides), she is still unsettled.

Untangling herself from the sheets, she crawls out of bed and finds the poncho that Leia had given her upon her arrival on base. The woman is nothing if not pragmatic. She’d taken one look at Rey in her desert garb, shaken her head, and found a few warmer bits of clothing for her. _Like the mother you never had_.

She shudders as she finds herself half back inside her dream, the feeling of Kylo in her head, but _worse_. The feeling of something in _his_ head, something far worse than his almost gentle exploration into her mind. What he did to her was an invasion to be sure, private thoughts laid bare to one she didn’t want to see them. But what was in _his_ mind? There was a darkness there, slimy, creeping along the insides of his mind, twisting at every bit of light it could find. A presence she can’t quite explain.

Needing to clear her head, she heads out of her quarters before she can think about it. The base at night is an eerie place. The lights left half-dimmed, the red lights at the doors blinking and casting flickering shadows as she treads quietly down the durasteel hallways until she reaches the outer door.

She’s promised not to go out on her own. Others have warned her of the beasts that roam the forests of D’Qar, the planet the Resistance had been making use of for some months now. They’ve built the base from the ground up in this far remote corner of the world. But it’s still mostly jungle, heavily forested and far too humid and wet for Rey’s desert tastes. She can hear the cries of birds in the trees and the occasional trumpeting of some large animals off in the distance.

But otherwise it’s quiet.

She takes a deep breath of the humid air. It’s damp at night and she’s thankful for the poncho as she pulls it a little tighter around herself.

It takes her a moment to notice it, up on a hill some distance from the base. A flash of red. Then another. She turns to watch, trying to focus on that bit of red. It moves in a dance-like rhythm and she’s not sure what she’s seeing until one of the moons breaks through the clouds, leaving the top of the hill bathed in light.

There’s a person up there and she watches as he balances on the balls of his feet, thrusts forward, spins, the light moving with him. He’s practicing some sort of forms, she realizes, as he does the same moves over and over again, making small changes to tighten it up each time.

When he turns, spinning the light, she sees it. It’s a lightsaber.

The person up there, moving gracefully, weaving in and around an opponent who does not exist, dark and alone at the top of a hillside, is using a _lightsaber_.

In the space from one breath to the next, between one eye blink and another, she’s _there_ and there’s a strange sort of silence to the moment, as if the sound faded out around her. She can hear the buzzing of the lightsaber as it whirls in the air mere feet from her but nothing else. She lets out a gasp before she’s even aware of it and then _he_ is turning to look at her.

_Kylo Ren_.

Of course it would be Kylo Ren.

Her brain must be still muzzy from sleep if she didn’t realize who the figure on the hill was. He’s been given back his lightsaber and he’s up there practicing.  Alone. At night.

He’s in the middle of one of his forms, lightsaber thrust out and away from her when she appears. He twirls almost effortlessly at her gasp, leaps toward her and then draws up short.  She reaches down for her weapon and curses. She doesn’t have it on her. How could she not have it on her?

“You’re not really here,” he says and drops the lightsaber to his side.

She narrows her gaze on him. “How did you get it back?”

He goes on almost academically. “I would have heard you come up the path. There’s only one way up here.”

He takes a step toward her. She almost steps back. She _wants_ to step back. It’s a natural inclination as he looms over her. Instead she straightens her spine. “I’m used to being stealthy,” she blurts out.

And for a moment, just one tiny moment, his mouth _almost_ turns up at the corners. His lips part slightly as he studies her. “This is something else,” he mutters. He takes another step, reaches a hand outward her, and she finds herself standing not far outside the base again. The sound of the birds and insects return and she steadies herself on the nearest wall, tries to center herself, catching her breath as she turns to look back up the hill.

He’s still there.

But he’s not moving.

The lightsaber hangs loosely at his side and he’s turned toward _her_ , watching her, waiting. “I don’t want any part of this,” she murmurs to herself and she’s almost positive he can _hear_ her, though she cannot fathom how, because he brings the lightsaber up in what appears to be a mock salute.

She watches him for one more moment, feels a shiver trace its way up her spine, and then she turns to go back inside, more unsettled than when she had first stepped outside.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO SO much everyone for all the comments and kudos. It means the world to me!!

Rey still feels a little uneasy the next morning as she heads to the mess hall for breakfast. She’d really rather take her food somewhere else, back to her room perhaps. Someplace quiet where she can think and feel like she can breathe a little. She’s really not used to so many people. Not that the Resistance is _huge_ by any stretch of the word. But she’s used to crawling off to her own little place in the world, her topsy-turvy AT-AT that had been her home for many years.

Here there’s people everywhere.

At least she’s guaranteed to not see Kylo Ren. He’s not exactly confined to his quarters but at the same time, there are guards set not far away from where he’s staying, alone in some out of the way wing of the base. She wouldn’t dare venture there. And yet still, she can’t quite get him out of her mind.

She can’t get the nightmare out of her mind either.

Nor the waking dream. Surely it couldn’t have been real, her up on that hillside with him, watching his movements, almost too graceful for his tall, powerful body. It’s not the first time she’s struck by the way he moves. He’s fast and almost brutal in the way he thrusts the lightsaber out in front of him and Rey, used to a lighter, lither way of fighting finds it fascinating. He uses the power of his arms and legs in ways she can’t quite imagine.

Ways she doesn’t _want_ to imagine, even if she finds her mind floating back to it time and time again.

As she steps into the busy hall, she tries to shake off the feelings of uneasy and dread that have taken root in her. There’s an energy there in the mess hall that hits her hard as soon as she sets foot inside it, a sort of tension that makes her shudder. Everything is still so uncertain. The First Order is hunting them and there are concerns that their base is too far in the open, even as far out in the Outer Rim as they are. But there are even more concerns about leaving. What ships are being tracked? Rey is only certain at this point it’s not the Falcon. If it had been, the First Order would be there by now and they’d have had to flee one way or another.

“Rey!” she hears Finn shout from somewhere to her left. She can just barely make him out, sitting at a table with Poe and two women she doesn’t recognize. She grabs some food from the kitchen staff and grimaces. Rations aren’t exactly pretty, but she supposes it’s better than the reconstituted portions she was forced to live on for most of her life.

Finn waves her into a seat almost as soon as she sits down and introduces her to the two women sitting at his side. Paige Tico is one of Poe’s pilots, a bomber, she proudly tells them. Her dark eyes tell stories Rey isn’t sure she wants to hear. She’s _seen_ stuff. She can feel the anger that lances through her at the mere thought of the First Order. Rose is her younger sister, a mechanic for the Resistance. She’s the bubbly foil to the older, more serious woman and while her eyes tell the same story that Paige’s do, there’s more determination than resignation there.

“So Finn tells me you were captured by Kylo Ren,” Poe leads off with before she’s even seated, and she shifts back slightly at the abrupt conversation starter.

“Um…well…yes. Yes I was.” She glances at Finn and he looks serious.

“We saw it happen,” Finn says. “Me and Han. We couldn’t stop it.” He shakes his head at the thought. “He just…carried you onto the ship and there was nothing we could do. We were just too far away.” There’s a sorrow there and her heart warms at the thought of her friend, so concerned for her well-being.

“Carried me?” She remembers being frozen in the forest, facing that black-gloved hand. _We have what we need_. And then she was waking up in that dark room, Kylo Ren watching her. “I didn’t know that.”

Finn gives her an odd look at her soft words.

“Yeah, well, he didn’t carry _me_ ,” Poe says. “Had those Stormtroopers of his drag me right onto the ship. They messed me up pretty good, but I wouldn’t give those bastards a thing.” He turns to Finn then and clasps him on the back. “No offense, my friend.”

“None taken,” Finn says, and Rey isn’t sure if he’s grimacing or grinning.

“But Kylo Ren,” Poe says as he leans forward. “That was a different experience. That creepy voice behind the mask. He just ripped into my mind and let me tell you.” He leans back then. “That _hurt_. He wasn’t gentle about it at all. He found out about BB-8 before I could even try to block the thoughts.” He shudders at that and then turns to Rey. “Did he…” He waves one hand in the air. “…you know.”

“I know?”

“He didn’t _do_ anything to you, did he?” Poe’s voice is quiet and concerned.

“Poe, you don’t just _ask_ someone that!” Finn says with a gasp.

“I’ll protect you if he did,” Poe goes on with.

“He didn’t do anything of the sort,” she says quickly, finally catching his meaning. She can feel her cheeks go red at the mere thought.

“So just plain old torture then?” Poe asks.

And Rey is not sure what to say. She remembers the tense words they’d exchanged. She remembers the moment he took off the mask at her taunting. He had been, quite literally, one of the last things she had expected. She might have only been more surprised if she had found out that, for all the masculine way he moved and the deep voice, he had been a woman.

He was young and almost handsome, with lips a little too pretty for his pale, narrow face and a shock of dark, unruly hair.

He had been so very _human_ and for some reason that had surprised her more than anything else, the fact that this feared creature was just a young man, unmarred on the outside. He could blend in anywhere, save for his height.

“Yes,” she finally answers. “Just that.” What else can she say?

Poe nods then and leans forward, holding his hand up. “Torture buddies?”

Rey feels something skittering across her mind then. _Torture buddies…does he think this is all a game?_ She leans back in her chair, further away from his hand, and tries so very hard to not roll her eyes. Poe is… _interesting_ …in the kind of way that makes her skin crawl. She remembers people like him on Jakku. Travelers with smooth tongues and big wallets, who might want to _buy a night_ with one of the young ladies of Jakku. She had been offered for a handful of times and had refused, managing to escape to her AT-AT and hide until they’d left Jakku. She’d learned rather quickly how to avoid those sorts.

“Force, Poe,” Paige says with one sardonic eyebrow lift. “Don’t you have any manners at all?”

The pilot shrugs and leans back in his seat. “Look,” he says at last. “I don’t know if I’m buying this whole hyperspace tracking thing.”

“You think he’s lying,” Rey says.

“Don’t you?” Finn asks.

She wants to shout _of course_ , but the reality is no. No, she does not think he’s lying. More than that, even. She _knows_ he’s not lying and she doesn’t know how. It’s like there’s this _thing_ inside her that’s woken up and it connects her to him. She can sometimes feel the rope tightening around her. When he’s in the room, she’s aware of every single one of his emotions on a level that she _shouldn’t_ be.

She’s saved from responding by Rose’s soft voice. “It’s new tech.”

“What?” Finn turns toward her. “You’ve heard of this?”

She nods, still staring down at her hands. “It’s new. I don’t even know how the First Order got ahold of it, but it’s out there.”

“You heard nothing about this, Finn?” Poe asks.

The other man shakes his head. “I wasn’t exactly high up the food chain. I pretty much just did sanitation.”

“So how does it work?” Poe asks and now all eyes are on Rose.

She shakes her head, still not quite looking up at the rest of them. “I don’t really know everything about it. It’s a computer that analyzes a whole lot of data very quickly to come up with the most likely trajectory and destination of a ship.”

“So it’s a guessing game?” Poe asks.

“With deadly accuracy,” Rose answers, finally looking up to meet his eyes.

“That means they can only track from one ship,” Paige surmises and Rose turns to grin at her sister.

“Yes! They’re not going to be able to do it from their smaller ships. It’ll be on their main one…”

“The _Supremacy_ ,” Finn supplies.

“So we destroy that ship and they won’t be able to come after us.”

Rose shakes her head. “They’ll know what we’re doing if we go after that ship and they’ll transfer the program onto another one.”

“Kill one ship and another five spring up,” Rey says. “Like a hydra.”

“Exactly.”

Poe slumps back in his seat. “We’re sitting ducks here. They’re going to find us eventually, but if we leave without disabling their tracking, they’ll know exactly where we’re going.”

“We need to get onto that ship,” Rose says and levels a look at Finn. “Disable the computer. The system won’t recognize a problem for one complete cycle…”

“Which gives us time to get away,” Poe interrupts with. He turns to Finn as well.

“Oh, no. No way.” He holds up his hands. “I’m not going anywhere near that ship.”

“You’re the only one who knows his way around,” Poe points out.

“Sanitation,” Finn shoots back with.

“I know someone else who knows his way around,” Rey says quietly and then all eyes are on her.

“No,” Poe says. “We’ll find another way.”

Rey shrugs.

“How _did_ you escape, anyway?” Finn asks.

“I…” She could tell them everything, how he was in her mind and _she was in his_ and how she saw so much of the raw emotions he hides behind the mask.  That she knew he was human and frail and so very terrified of not living up to everything he thought he wanted to be. That she had been up on the hillside with him last night and she doesn’t know _how_ as she’d never left the area right outside the base. Instead, she just shakes her head. “I don’t know.” And she shrugs. “I told the guards to release me. And they did.”

She doesn’t even know why that idea came to mind when she was there, strapped to the table and terrified that Kylo Ren would come back to rifle through her mind again, terrified that she wouldn’t be able to stop him this time, that she would give it all away.

“They just released you?” Finn looks excited at the prospect. She knows that _he_ helped Poe escape. If there were more Stormtroopers…

“I think it was –” Here she pauses because she’s pretty sure her next thought sounds absolutely insane. “ – mind control?”

“Mind –” Finn starts to say.

“The Force,” Rose interrupts with, her voice a hushed whisper. Rey turns to look at the smaller woman and shudders.

“I don’t know,” she says firmly and stands. “I don’t want any part in that.”

She flees then, grabbing the muffin that’s the only thing she has left to eat and rushing off. She knows what it is, what it must be. Something about Kylo Ren getting into her mind and her getting into his has set _something_ off inside her. It’s like this snake, coiled and powerful, winding its way around her heart, her _soul_.

It’s always been there, she realizes.

Hidden deep inside, but there nonetheless.

She knows it and it terrifies her to exam it, to see it come to light in such a way. It’s been _awakened_ and no amount of pretending it doesn’t exist will make it go away. She keeps pushing it aside, but then she can understand BB-8 and Chewbacca, even if she’s never met such a droid or a Wookiee before. And she knows it’s not _her_. It’s the _Force_.

“I just wanted to be special,” she whispers, acknowledging a hard truth about herself. Her parents, she’s sure they’re out there somewhere waiting for her, looking for her. She _wants_ them to be somebody, someone amazing and heroic, someone who left her on Jakku to keep her safe from whatever horrors might be inflicted on them.

She still dreams that they’re alive and someday she’ll find them. She wants to be special _for them_.

“You _are_ special,” comes the voice from behind her.

She whips around to face the general as the older woman puts a hand on her arm. “I’m not.” She hates the way her voice cracks on the final syllable.

Leia offers her a small smile. “There’s more to you than you know.” Rey’s brow furrows. “Will you come with me, Rey? There’s something I need to discuss with you.”

Rey feels her curiosity piqued. The general is a busy woman and Rey cannot imagine for one moment what she wants with _her_. Unless it has to do with Kylo Ren.

That gives her pause for just a moment, but then she follows Leia. What choice does she have, after all? 

* * *

 

“Ben,” Leia says when he enters her quarters. He draws up short when faced with his mother. She might be half his size, but he always feels like a toddler when he sees her. She watches him with those knowing eyes, sad eyes, as if she understands he’s seen and _done_ a lot. He doesn’t think she’ll ever forgive him.

Truth be told, he’s not sure he’ll ever forgive himself.

Everything he had done had felt _right_. The temple, the students, going with Snoke. Those decisions had been the only ones he could make in the moment, really, but he hadn’t _wanted_ to make another decision then. He’d been so _sure_ of himself. That night is now a blur of fire and screams, as Luke lay buried beneath the rubble of a hut and students massacred students.

He still doesn’t know whose lives he took that night.

But he can remember their eyes, can remember them pleading, trying to flee. He can remember the joy that filled him, a sort of tainted exhilaration that flooded him. Now he feels ill when he thinks of that night. But at the time there was only elation and the feeling of finally being _free_.

And now he doesn’t know what was real and what wasn’t.

He only flinches a little when she says his name. It’s been a long time since he’s heard it, his father’s shouting it across the void the first time he’d heard his real name since fleeing Luke’s temple. _Kylo Ren_. That was the monster, the name Snoke had christened him with. _Ben Solo is dead. Now rise, Kylo Ren, my apprentice_. He doesn’t know where the name came from, doesn’t want to know really. But it’s been _his_ name for the past six years.

Hearing his birth name is both disconcerting and strangely pleasant at the same time.

He doesn’t correct her this time.

“Sit down,” she says as he enters, ducking under the door frame. “You’re too damned tall.” He‘s surprised to hear fondness behind the words.

His father is in the room, already seated, and he feels a little like this is some sort of interrogation. He supposes it had to happen sooner or later. They had discussed some logistics, but always with others present, always keeping their personal lives out of it. He sits on the one chair in the room, perching awkwardly on the small thing, afraid it could go out from under him at any moment.

“Your intelligence has been good. We have people working on how to disrupt the hyperspace tracking.”

He nods at that. He’s done his part, played his role. They haven’t locked him up yet. He takes a deep breath. “Good…but?” He lets the word hang. He knows there’s more coming.

“We need Luke,” his father says.

“No,” he says before he can stop it. “No, we don’t need him.”

Leia sighs. “Luke is a symbol of hope in these dark times. The _Jedi_ are a symbol of hope. And he’s the last…”

“He’s not,” he says quickly and he’s sure that he’s about to spill something that he’s not sure _she_ would want said. His mother just raises an eyebrow and waits for him to go on. “The scavenger,” he starts to say.

“Rey,” his father interrupts with, and smirks when Kylo shoots him an irritated look.

“ _Rey_ ,” he repeats. “She has the Force.”

“I know,” his mother says. “We thought of sending her to Luke, but we thought he might be more likely to come back if he saw…well… _you_.”

He snorts at that one and his father just raises an eyebrow.

“I’m not bringing him back,” he says and his voice is flat.

_Ben! No!_

He can still hear his uncle’s screams in his head, can still see the way the hut imploded, burying him in rubble as Kylo Ren rose from the ashes of what had once been Ben Solo.

“We know what happened at the temple.” His mother’s voice is gentle and she reaches out a hand to touch him.

“Do you?” He pulls back from her, her touch almost burning him. “Are you really quite sure of that?”

_Don’t tell them._

_They won’t believe you_.

“Luke disappeared right after you…” His mother can’t seem to get the words out and so he does for her.

“Destroyed the temple? Killed his students? Yes, that was me.” He pauses there, takes a deep breath. “Well, me and the others.”

“What happened to them, son?”  

He says nothing for a moment. What _did_ happen to them? He’s not sure he’s ever known. They left with him to meet with Snoke. There had been some training together. And then one day they were all gone. When he had questioned Snoke he had been given some grandstanding speech about not questioning his methods. And Force lightning. It had been his first experience with it, but certainly not his last.

 _Rehabilitation_ , he called it. He was going to burn every bit of light out of him if it was the _last_ thing he did. He wasn’t just _a_ monster, he was _Snoke’s_ monster, and the creature never let him forget that.

Snoke liked to toss Hux around like a rag doll, taking the floor out from under him and whipping the little bastard about. Always a reminder of who had the _real_ power. But Kylo Ren? A special kind of pain was meant for his apprentice.

Even now, he can feel him clawing at the insides of his mind, talons trying to gain purchase on the parts of his mind he’s been keeping closed off.

“I don’t know,” he finally says. “They disappeared soon after.” He watches his parents exchange a glance. “Maybe you should go after them, too,” he mutters. “You can drag us all out as some sort of propaganda. The prodigal children returned home to the fold. If they can do it, anyone can. And look!” He waves a hand in the air. Dramatic, completely unnecessary, but he can feel it building up inside him. The old rage, the hate, the feelings of inadequacy and alienation. “We have a Stormtrooper too! Come join the Resistance!”

“ _Ben_.” There’s a warning note to his mother’s voice. “You know that’s…”

“Not how it is?” he shoots back. “Of course it is.”

“This is all _him_ talking,” his father mutters and Kylo tries not to roll his eyes.

“Maybe,” Kylo says under his breath.

They all fall silent and he turns away from them. He can feel his mother watching him, her eyes shrewd and far too knowing. Then she finally breaks the silence, her slightly raspy voice making him shiver a little. “What exactly happened with Luke?”

 _He came into my hut at night and tried to kill me_.

He can still see the look of anger and horror in his uncle’s eyes, can still see the light of the ignited lightsaber bathing the hut in sickly green. Kylo had had no choice. It was stop his uncle or allow him to end his life.

And he’d almost just let him _do_ it. Maybe it would have been easier for everyone. His father had never understood him. His mother had been terrified of him. And his uncle? He still doesn’t know what made him decide to kill him. Could he sense Snoke? Could he see his influence, the way he came to him at night and twisted his soul, could he see the way he whispered words of love and horror, darkness and unwavering devotion?

“Nothing,” he says at long last and watches as both his parents sink a little, leaning back in their chairs. He stands then and leans over them. “I’m not going to go get him. If you want him back here, by all means _try_. You have the map now. But I want nothing to do with it.”

Neither of his parents say anything, but he can _feel_ the emotions wafting off of them. Disappointment. That’s his father. He watches as he shakes his head once, but then stays still, watching him with eyes half squinted shut. Anger. That’s his mother. He knows where he gets his temper from. The Princess is always quick to lash out. Oh, she has a diplomat’s soul, that’s for sure. But he’s also felt the anger and annoyance brimming just beneath the surface.

He leaves then. Leaves them to their plans to get his uncle back. He knows they’ll do it.

And he’ll have to face Luke eventually. But he hopes it takes months, if not _years_ to find him. At least enough to give him some time to get his feet back under himself.


	6. Chapter 6

Another nightmare, another hellish escape from her room in the middle of the night. Rey doesn’t know what’s wrong with her. She’s not sure she’s had a good night’s sleep since before Kylo Ren got into her mind and rifled through her memories. And she’s not even sure it’s his presence there that’s causing the nightmares.

It’s this _thing_.

This _Force._ Whatever it is that he’s awakened inside her.

She still doesn’t even know what she did with the Stormtroopers. She remembers being strapped there, just waiting for Kylo to return to rip into her mind again, clawing his way in to tear her very thoughts to shreds. The way he rushed off, his breathing ragged, his eyes wide, she was sure nothing good would come of whatever happened next.

And then there had been that whisper. Soft, but insistent, right there in the back of her mind. _Tell them to let you go and they’ll listen_.

She’s not even sure whose voice it was. It wasn’t her own, that much she knew. But she had a sense that it was something beyond her, beyond the physical plane, something huge and all-encompassing. And so she had listened, had told them to let her go.

It hadn’t worked.

_More_ , the voice had said. _Do it again. With_ more _intent behind it. They will listen. They will have no choice_.

And it had worked. The lone Stormtrooper who had been left to guard her turned, dropped his weapon, and walked almost nonchalantly from the room.

She’d been free.

But how?

_Mind control_.

Now she feels tied to something she cannot understand, can feel it crawling under her skin, wrapping around her heart, her mind. It whispers to her in the dark of the night, it screams in a flood of soundless words in quiet moments during the day. It’s always _there_.

It haunts her.

It _hurts_.

She feels so out of control as she comes awake night after night from nightmares she can’t remember, dreams she can’t understand.

And there’s always _something_ there in them. It’s hidden away, a dark presence she can’t ever seem to grab onto and really see. At first she thinks it’s Kylo Ren. But no, he’s clear in her dreams when she sees him. Still in black, he sometimes appears wearing the mask, sometimes without. His eyes hold all the sadness of the universe in those dreams and she’s sure he’s trying to _tell_ her something. But it never comes to fruition and she wakes frustrated and impatient.

Tonight is no different. She thinks about leaving the base again, but then remembers seeing him on that hill, remembers being _there_ , and instead opts to disappear into the training facility that’s been set up.

It’s just a large room with padded walls, some exercise equipment that she’s yet to use, and an open space where people can spar. It’s to that area that she moves that night, staff in hand. She has no formal training with her staff. She’d made it herself, modeled after the weapons of some who had passed through the Niima outpost on Jakku. It’s quick and light and easy to handle, which has served her well over the years.

But here, she can _learn_. Finn has shared some of his training as a Stormtrooper with her, though he’s more versed in blasters and other simpler weapons of hand-to-hand combat. So she listens to him and finds books in the scant library they have on the base that can give her some of the basic stances, the types of fighting one can do with sword or staff or even lightsabers.

The latter had drawn her up short. She still has the lightsaber, tucked away in her pack, a secret she keeps from everyone on the base. She wonders if _he_ knows, if he can feel it, _sense_ it there on the base somewhere. And not for the first time since she’d found it in the basement of Maz’s castle, she wonders what it would feel like to pull it out, feel the hum of the blade beneath her hand.

_It calls to her_.

With a sigh, she pushes the thoughts from her mind. The only thing she has now is her staff and it will have to be enough. She drops into a half crouch facing one of the dummies in the room. She knows that she can set them to moving, can create targets and use half-smart droids to face as if she’s fighting something akin to a real opponent. But that’s not what she needs at the moment. She’s not here so much for _practice_ as she is to work out some of the excess energy and anxiety that’s leaving her tossing and turning every night.

_She’s going to find Luke Skywalker_.

She rushes forward, hitting the dummy with one side of the staff, whirling and hitting it with another. It doesn’t fall back, doesn’t yield.

_Why her?_

Leia had been blunt and yet there was something clearly she’d been hiding from her. A sort of half-smile behind the gruff words.

_I think Luke will come back for you_.

For her? But not for his sister, his friend, his nephew. For _her_? A lowly scavenger from Jakku. She strikes out at the dummy again, twisting and turning, beating at it with both ends of her staff. She’s untrained in the art of melee, but she knows what works, has had to defend herself any number of times. Against other scavengers, intent on stealing her finds, against Plutt when he had too much to drink. She hits the dummy hard and it flies back.

She draws in a ragged breath.

That should not have been possible.

“They’re sending you,” comes the deep voice from behind her. She spins then, staff at the ready. Kylo Ren stands in the doorway, leaning his overly large frame against it, arms crossed over his chest. He looks almost nonchalant standing there, but she can see the set to his shoulders, the way the muscles of his arms are bunched up as if he’s waiting for a fight.

“Yes,” she says and tilts her chin up. It’s not a mission she’s taking lightly. Bringing back the one hope the Resistance has is a big deal. It’s _important_. She doesn’t understand it, probably never will, but Leia insists it has to be _her_.

“They wanted me,” he says in response and she’s not sure what emotion is brimming just below the surface of those words.

“He’s your uncle.” She offers the words with a bit of a shrug and turns away from him, lifting her staff back up and lowering into a fighting stance in front of the dummy. He’ll go away if she ignores him. She hopes, at least.

But as she strikes out at the dummy once, twice, he speaks again. “There are days I’d rather forget that.”

The words come from closer behind her than she expects and she whirls around to face him. There’s only a few feet separating them and she hates the way she has to crane her neck to meet his eyes. _Kriff, he’s tall_. He seems even taller here, dressed in loose pants that brush the tops of his feet and a shirt that leaves his arms bare. His feet are bare as well and she doesn’t know why she finds that so fascinating. He stretches then, the fabric pulling tight to his chest and she tries to stop the cascade of flutters that race down her body.

“Why is that?” she asks. Anything to stop herself from staring at his chest, those arms, the odd vulnerability of his naked feet. He doesn’t answer and so she presses on, meeting his eyes as she does so. “You abandoned them all to join… _them_.” She doesn’t even want to give _them_ a name.

“Perhaps they abandoned me first.” And there’s a gravity to the words. Rey steps back and cocks her head.

“Yes…well…you’ll have to face him sometime.” She cringes inwardly at the petulant bent to the words.

“You’re so sure of yourself, then?”

“Yes.”

He nods. “Then I suppose I’ll have to.” She watches him then, eyes narrowed. He almost looks like he’s made up his mind about something, though she cannot for the life of her fathom _what_. She’s about to ask him when he steps away from her. His eyes don’t leave her though as he holds out a hand. “Show me what you’ve got.” There’s a slight tilt to the end of the words, a question not a statement.

“You want to watch me fight a dummy?”

He makes a small huffing noise. “It’s not like you’d be any competition for _me_.”

She whirls away from the dummy then, twirls her staff around her in a dizzying display of prowess, and then faces him. “No?”

His eyebrows rise and she’s almost sure she sees a bit of a smirk turn one side of his lips up. For a moment he reminds her of his father and she almost drops the staff. “No,” he says at last.

“Prove it,” she says and charges at him. He’s unarmed for the moment, but before she can even get near him, his right hand stretches out and one of the sparring swords flies into it. She can feel the Force humming around her, through her, and her mouth is half open as she watches it fly across the room. He has it up and blocking her first attack before she can even blink.

“No Force,” she grinds out as she pushes back from him.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” He waits for her to advance, wooden sword at the ready. She does so with a shout, twisting and trying to get her staff underneath him. The only way she’s going to beat him is by being faster and more clever.

But he blocks her at every turn, his sword moving faster than she could have imagined. He wields it with one hand and with two, turning into and away from her strikes, pushing her back. She has a sense, somewhere in the back of her mind as she continues her attacks, that he’s going easy on her.

Her eyes meet his as she comes in for her next attack and she _knows_. _Don’t you dare go easy on me, you bastard_. She comes at him with a shout of fury and then he _doesn’t_ , as if he’s been in her mind again. _And perhaps he has_. He anticipates her every move, keeping her off-balance while easily defending himself from her attacks.

And then he’s pressing forward and she’s lost any advantage she might have had. His swings are wide and fast, almost brutal, and his sword collides heavily with her left shoulder. She lets out a grunt, but doesn’t let go of the staff, swinging it around to get in one hit against his legs.

He’s deadly quiet as he spins and with one final move, sweeps his sword behind her knees and takes her down. The staff flies out of her hand and she can hear it clatter across the floor. Her butt hits and then her head and then _he_ is there, kneeling over her, his hands pinning her arms above her head, his eyes boring into hers.

“Yield,” he says and there’s something about that voice that sets off a warning deep inside her. _Danger, danger danger…_

“Never,” she says and tries to kick at him.

He straddles her then, pinning her legs with his while his hands still hold her arms. He leans down close to her and says again, “ _Yield_.”

She takes a breath, shallow and ragged, and stares up at him. There’s a pink tint to his cheeks, his hair is askew and there’s a predatory look on his face, full lips drawn up into a snarl and eyes dark, pupils blown wide.

Her own lips are drawn back into a similar snarl, for a moment at least. When she can no longer meet his eyes, when the intensity is just _too much_ , _too close_ , and just _what the kriffing hell is happening_ , she looks away from them, her eyes following the sweat slicked hair to his…ears.

_Oh my Force…_

“Is that why your hair is so long?” she blurts out. _Kriff_. She doesn’t mean to. But they’re…large. And stick out at a strange angle from his head. She’s never seen them before, buried beneath the long dark locks as they’ve been.

He freezes for a moment, eyes widening. He sucks in a deep breath. The tips of those ears are red and there’s more color high on his cheekbones. And then he’s pushing up and off of her with an incoherent snarl. He has the wooden sword in his hand still and _oh kriff_ , she’s sure he’s going to turn and go after her. She has no way to defend herself and the taut lines of his body are terrifying to be sure.

But then he lets out _growl_ and tosses the sword to the side. He turns on his heel and strides away from her.

“Kriff!” she curses and rushes after him. “Kylo!”

He keeps moving as if he hadn’t even heard her.

“Ben!” she shouts, the name slipping out before she can take it back. He’s almost at the door when it comes flying out of her mouth and he stops, the set of his shoulders tense, and whirls on her.

She collides with him as he does so and his hands reach up. Not to steady her, no. He grips her on the upper arms, hard, his long fingers digging into the bare skin there. “Don’t _ever_ call me that,” he snarls into her face. And here’s Kylo Ren. His mouth is twisted into an ugly snarl, his eyes narrowed, eyebrows drawn low. Every line of his body is taut and she can feel his breath, ragged and uneven, on her face.

“Kylo…” His name comes out on a whisper, rough and a little tremulous. “Please…” She’s not even sure what she’s asking. Her eyes search his but there’s nothing there. Hard, cold, he offers her one last sneer before shoving her away roughly.

And then he’s gone.

_Oh kriff_.

She lets out the breath she didn’t realize she had been holding. She really messed that one up. Rey is not used to people. People unnerve her in a lot of ways. The wrong words spoken can destroy a friendship, ruin a life. And something about Kylo Ren unnerves her to the point of not quite controlling her mouth.

_His ears…his kriffing, stupid, too large ears_.

She finally shakes her head, like a dog shaking off stress, and tries to set herself to rights. It’s not like she’ll sleep _now_. She feels more than unsettled, her arms aching and muscles sore from their right, and a tingling feeling tracing through her like quicksilver.

Tomorrow, at least, she can leave the base. And with it, leave Kylo Ren behind. She’ll be thankful to be away from his oppressive presence, even if it’s only for a handful of days.

* * *

The next morning she’s packed. There isn’t much to bring really. Her pack with a change of clothes. Leia has told her the planet they’re heading toward is cool and rainy, a few islands amidst huge swaths of ocean, and not for the first time Rey remembers her dreams. _An island, an ocean extending out all around her for as far as the eye can see._ In her dreams it was always peaceful, always a place that felt like home.

She once thought it _was_ her home. She knows she’s not from Jakku. No one is _from_ Jakku, not exactly. They all just end up there, one way or another. Left by families, escaping from a past they can’t outrun, hiding from crime syndicates and the law alike. Jakku is a dumping ground for the unwanted. It’s her home as much as anywhere else in the galaxy is, but it doesn’t _feel_ like home.

_The island_.

She debates over taking the lightsaber with her. She hasn’t touched it since Finn had put it in her pack. It sits there in the bottom like a lead weight, heavier than she would have imagined. Her hand itches to touch it and yet she feels this revulsion deep inside of her when she even thinks about it. It feels right and wrong at the same time and she cannot even begin to understand what that means.

_You’re conflicted_ , comes the voice, unbidden. It almost sounds like Kylo Ren and so she shakes herself, tries to clear it from her mind. He’s been in there, but he’s not there now, _can’t be there now_ , and so she pushes outward with everything she is.

_Get out_.

She tosses the poncho over one arm and the pack over one shoulder and takes one look around the small quarters that she’s been staying in. She has everything she’ll need.

She’ll be traveling with Han and Chewbacca, Leia has told her. They’ll take her to Luke and between the three of them, she hopes they can convince him to return with them. Rey has questioned why _she_ is not going, but she gives her a curt reply. _I cannot afford to leave. Not now_. Ever the general, Rey realizes. Cold and aloof when she needs to be and the thought comes unbidden into her mind… _This_ is who Kylo grew up with as a mother. Was she always so devoted to her cause? Or was there some part of her that was as devoted to her son?

When Rey enters the hangar, she breathes a sigh of relief. The Falcon is there, waiting. Han is standing near the ramp to the ship, hands shoved deep in his pockets. He looks rumpled, like he didn’t sleep well either, and when she gets close to him she can see the dark circles under his eyes.

He takes one look at her when she pauses at the bottom of the plank. “Not sleeping, kid?”

She shrugs. “Not really, no.”

“Hmph,” is all he says in response, but it’s more than enough. He understands.

“I’ll get some sleep on the way to…” She realizes she’s not even sure where they’re going. Han knows. He must. But the actual place was never discussed.

“Ahch-To,” Han supplies, completely not helpfully.

“Where is _that_?” Rey asks, though she’s not sure if he sneezed or gave her the name of some planet.

“The Unknown Regions,” Han answers with a bit of a smirk. It’s an adventure to him, she realizes, and she wonders if the old smuggler takes _anything_ seriously. So far every dark twist and turn their lives have taken has been met with nonchalance and a bit of soft humor. He’s not what she expected, she realizes. None of them are, really. She supposes when people become larger than life, become myth and legend, the realities of their day to day life are not what people think of.

“Lovely,” she mutters under her breath. Another long trip to the Force knows where. She’s heading up the ramp when she hears Han suck in his breath suddenly, and she freezes in place.

_Oh kriff…_

When she turns back, she’s not surprised to see him. Kylo is striding into the hangar. He has his lightsaber clipped to his belt and a small bag in his hands. His eyes are dark and unreadable as he looks first at his father and then at her. He’s changed and the clothes he’s wearing fit him better than the too small things he’d been wearing. He looks almost fierce standing there, his face schooled into an expression that wavers between blank and a half-snarl.

“I’m coming,” he says and his deep, resonant voice echoes off the walls of the hangar.

“This is about to get interesting,” Han mutters under his breath. From his lack of reaction, she gathers Kylo didn’t hear him. Louder, he says, “Great, son. Glad to have you on board.”

Kylo steps up to the bottom of the ramp and pauses for a moment. The look he exchanges with his father is fraught with some sort of meaning that she can’t quite make out, but it sends a shiver down her spine. Then he’s pushing past her, not even turning to look at her, much less meet her eyes, and she feels her cheeks heat a little.

His ears are carefully hidden behind his hair again and she desperately tries not to think about the stupid thing she’d said the night before. Just as he gets past her, she swears she hears his voice in her head. _Did you think you were getting rid of me that easily?_

She lets out a gasp and turns to watch him as he walks onto the ship. He doesn’t so much as give any indication that he’d been inside her mind, and she narrows her eyes at him until he disappears from view. As she turns back to Han, there must be some sort of question in her eyes, because he lets out a soft huff.

“There’s a lot you don’t know.” And then he’s heading up the ramp, leaving Rey to scramble to keep up with them.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that I'm a day late with this one!

_A breath…_

_Another breath…_

_Harsh._

_It rattles around inside her and she opens her eyes._

_She blinks and finally manages to peer through something that half-blocks her view. She’s looking up, far up, though she can’t see much in the darkness. As her eyes move around, she realizes she can just barely see through a small slit and she finds she has to move her whole head in order to peer around the room she’s in._

_Her head feels heavy._

_She takes another breath and it’s hot and heavy against her face. She has no room to breathe and her breaths get more and more shallow, more and more panicked._

_Ants inside her brain…_

_Crawling through her veins…_

_“Rise, my apprentice…”_

_And she does so without thinking, trying to see through the gloom of wherever she is. Her head turns to the left, the right. Nothing._

_Ahead of her is only darkness and she steps forward._

_Her head feels heavy._

_Her feet feel heavy._

_She can barely lift her arms up and so her gait is clumsy and staggering._

Where am I?

_There’s laughter then, from all around her. Cold, malevolent. She shudders beneath the heaviness. There is a horror crawling through her mind, ripping through her thoughts with long, spindly fingers and a snarl of dissatisfaction._

_“Always so unfocused, my apprentice,” the voice muses and she still cannot_ see _it._

_Inhuman._

_Another step forward._

_Another breath._

_She tries to speak…_ who are you? _...and the voice that comes out is distorted. The words are gibberish and still the voice laughs._

_“Step forward,” it commands and she does so. She cannot resist it, cannot get away. It pulls her closer even while she fights it. And then she’s there. And_ it _leans down close to her._

_She cannot look away._

_Its eyes are close, its mouth almost human in its sneer, its face humanoid and scarred. The creature is both massive and small at the same time, dressed in the flamboyant trappings of a human while yet retaining the feeling of malevolent horror of an ancient evil._

_“You know who I am,” it says. “And you will not escape.”_

She comes awake with a gasp, sweat plastering her loose hair to the sides of her face, her hands scrabbling for purchase. Sucking in breaths of cool air, she rolls to her side and nearly wretches at the dizzying sensation of movement. “Kriff,” she mutters as she tries to calm herself, finally managing to push up and out of the bed, landing heavily on the floor.

She needs out of the small room.

She needs space.

There’s not much on the Falcon, but she needs _out_. Maybe the cockpit, where there’s the viewports and hyperspace all around her. Something, _anything_ that will allow her to feel like there’s more around her than the closed in space of her room, the darkness of that nightmare room.

_More kriffing nightmares_.

She’s out of her room before she can even think of what she’s doing. It doesn’t matter that she’s still wearing her nightclothes. She just needs _air_ and she can’t find it in the close confines of her room.

Only a step or two outside the room, the door slamming shut behind her, she runs into _something._ Something hard and yet immovable and when that same something reaches out to grip her arms, she looks up.

And up.

“Kylo.” His name comes out on an exhale of a breath.

His hands are still gripping her shoulders and his eyes are boring into hers and she realizes that he’s _at least_ as much of a mess as she is. His hair is askew, long wavy strands sticking out at odd angles. His shirt is loose about his waist, unbelted, one leg of his pants is stuck up around his knee while the other goes to the floor. He looks, for wont of a better word, completely wrecked.

And the tightness to his shoulders, the dark look in his eyes, all tell a similar story.

“What _was_ that?” she asks.

He says nothing, but she can feel him grow ever tenser. He leans in close to her for a second and she’s almost afraid he’s going to _hug_ her. Ridiculous that, the thought of Kylo Ren _hugging_ her. Perhaps even more ridiculous is that a small part of her longs for that sort of comfort and might actually accept it.

But then he releases her, pushing back, His eyes scan the hallway, wild. She can see the whites of his eyes and can feel the terror that flows off of him in waves.

He knows, she realizes.

He knows what that was, _who_ that was. And she’s just about to ask him, beg him to explain because she doesn’t understand how she’s gotten mixed up in this. These are _his_ nightmares, she realizes. His and now _hers_. He’s been in her mind and she’s been in his and now they’re all… _mixed up_ …somehow.

She can still feel her breath… _his_ breath…against the insides of the mask, can feel the terror and shame and horror of it all, the icy fingers of cold dread and death digging into his heart. _Is that what it’s always like to be him?_

“Yes,” he hisses at her and then he’s gone, storming away from her. She’s left watching his retreating back. For a moment, she contemplates going after him but she feels _something_ hit her. A wave of something, a feeling, dark and hard, and she thinks better of it.

_What are you even doing?_ Somehow she’s forgotten. Forgotten he’s the enemy, the creature who hunted her through the forest and ripped her very thoughts from her mind. With a snarl, she turns away from where he’s disappeared and heads to the cockpit. Chewbacca should be there and he’s a comforting presence, if nothing else. He doesn’t ask questions but offers a near-silent sounding board when she needs him. She can see why Han Solo had gravitated to the massive Wookiee. There’s a kindness there, despite rumors that he’ll rip your arms off as soon as look at you.

She doesn’t find Chewbacca in the cockpit though and her eyes settle on Han as he swivels to look at her as she enters. “Can’t sleep, kid?”

Traces of the nightmare are still just beyond the periphery of her vision. “No.” Her voice cracks on the word and she cringes.

Han watches her for a moment longer. “Nightmares?” he asks and she finds herself surprised at just how in tune the old smuggler is with people. There’s something there, in the kindness of those light eyes, that makes her want to break down and tell him everything.

But the words choke up inside her before they can come out. She nods, even though she’s not sure if they’re _really_ nightmares. Memories, perhaps, of Kylo Ren’s time in the First Order. Or something much, much worse.

Han looks like he wants to ask questions and she steels herself for having to answer…or evade if necessary. Instead, he turns away from her and his voice turns a little sad, a little nostalgic. “Ben used to have them…nightmares like that. They haunted him most of his young life.”

Rey comes to sit down in the other seat, watching Han carefully. “Always?” she asks. She doesn’t know why.

Han doesn’t answer for a moment, but instead leans toward her, watching her carefully, eyes searching out something in her face.  He must have found it because he leans back suddenly. “Something happened between you two.” He doesn’t even phrase it as a question. He doesn’t have to. _He knows_ and she doesn’t know how. “He captured you, didn’t he? Took you to his ship?” he says in response to her unasked question.

_“That’s what happens when you’re being hunted by a creature in a mask…”_

_And then he wasn’t._

_Then he was a young man, smooth unmarred skin, only marked by numerous moles. Long wavy hair framing an intense face._

_She remembers looking him up and down._

_She remembers the shiver that passed through her._

“He…” she starts to say, though she has no idea just _what_ she intended to say.

“Look,” Han says as he leans forward again and there’s an intensity behind his eyes she’s not seen before. “I don’t need to know the details. Whatever happened, that’s between you and my son. But just…” And here his voice breaks, just a tiny bit, and she feels the well of tears that threaten to spill any second at the sound. “Give him a chance? He’s not that monster. Not anymore. He’s turned his back on it.”

She thinks of the nightmare.

She thinks of his being trapped, hiding behind that mask while something malevolent haunts him.

“Are you sure of that?” she whispers. Because it’s there. It’s _still_ there. Not even deep inside him, right there, just below the surface. It’s waiting to come out. And worse, it’s trying to get into _her_ mind. She can feel it, like claws poking at her mind, weaving its way into thoughts that are sometimes darker than she’d like.

“He’s here, isn’t he?”

She takes a deep breath. “He is.”

“I think that counts for something.”

“It probably does,” she agrees. But she’s not really sure. She remembers his telling his father he’s only there because _he_ would have killed him eventually and she suspects that _he_ is that dark alien presence she’d seen in the nightmare.

“So give him a chance – ” Han starts to say when she feels a presence behind her and she swivels toward the entrance of the cockpit.

Kylo is standing there. He leans against the doorframe and she knows if she wasn’t watching him carefully, if she hadn’t _been there_ , a part of whatever his nightmare was, she’d think he looks completely calm and just a touch arrogant, arms crossed over his chest as they are. But no, she can see the dark circles beneath his eyes, can see the lines that aren’t usually there around his lips.

His face is too pale, made even more so by the dark hair that’s still sweat-slicked and slightly askew. He’s made some attempt to brush it down over his ears, but he still looks disheveled. And lost, she realizes. There’s a tightness to the corners of his eyes and she’s not quite sure he’s focusing on where he’s looking.

His eyes rake over her, over her father. His lips tighten. And then he turns away and disappears, leaving Rey and his father to feel just a little bit guilty.

After a moment, Han lets out a small huff. “Kid never did like being talked about.”

Rey turns to stare at him. She wants to ask, doesn’t dare. _Did they often?_ She knows their relationship is troubled, but she’s assumed that it was his fall to the dark side that cut that rift so deeply between father and son, mother and son, even father and mother. But now there’s something _more_. “Does anyone?” she shoots back at him, the words perhaps a bit more pointed than she’d met.

Han says nothing, watches her for a moment, and then finally nods.

There’s meaning there.

She doesn’t know what.

And she doesn’t dare ask. Instead, she turns to stare out the viewport. There will be no more sleep for her that night, she’s sure of it. And the unending deepness of space seems like a good place to lose herself until morning comes.

* * *

He can’t sleep. Not that night. He’s wracked with a pain of memories he’s pushed away all these years.

_I don’t know, Leia. I don’t like what he’s becoming._

_He’s your son._

_But he’s something else._

Ben remembers mouthing the words himself. They won’t voice them, but _he_ can and he does.

_Monster_.

His parents never said it, not exactly, instead they danced around it in hushed conversations and loud fights. He was uncontrollable, there were the nightmares, terrifying and horrible, the temper that resulted in _things_ moving around him in erratic ways. He was _other_ to his father. He was _him_ to his mother. Darth Vader. She’d feared him, as everyone did, but her fear was so much more personal, so much more terrifying.

But he’d never known.

No, instead, his mother had kept his own history from him. As if that might divorce him from it, make him something he couldn’t possibly be. He was their son and yet the terror was there. Even from a small age, he remembers their _fear_.

Being feared was something Snoke wanted for him. Being feared was something Kylo Ren reveled in. Fear was power. Hate was power. Anger was power. And Ben Solo had learned when he was still toddling about in diapers that people feared his powers. It’s a strange thing, really, looking back on his parents and realizing they didn’t sleep at night because of what such a young child might do.

He ends up back in his quarters after hearing his father talking about _him_ with Rey. _Give him a chance…_ A chance to do what? Kill her? Kill them all?

_Maybe I should have let Luke…_

He stops the thought before it can go further, but the sentiment bubbles up inside him anyway, racing like fire through his skin. His hands clench into fists, muscles tense. It’s a sharper sensation without the gloves he’s worn for so long, nails digging into his palms until he draws blood. His mouth opens in a snarl and he reaches out, not with the Force, but with one fist, to connect with the wall.

Durasteel is not forgiving.

It does not bend.

It does not shatter.

It does not _break_.

And so he pummels it, one hit after another, after another. His lips drawn back in a snarl of pain, of rage and hate and that ever-present _terror_ that he detests more than anything. Snoke has seen to it that he will always feel it, sliding into his head whenever he dare tries to break his mind away.

Even now? Now, as he rages, he feels the dark side welling up inside him like a parasite that _won’t let go_ and Snoke is _there_. He can sense him. Taunting. _Laughing_. That wheezing noise that passes through whatever shriveled organs he considers lungs.

_Kill them_ , he hears in between his breaths and the sound of his fist hitting the wall.

_You’re in the perfect position…_

_All you have to do is_ …

He doesn’t let the voice finish, shouting into the void, throwing up wall after wall to _cut it off_.

“No!” he shouts, feeling every vein and artery in his body on fire as he tears himself away from his former master. As he collapses to the ground, he can still hear the echo of Snoke’s laughter deep inside his mind, echoing away into nothing.

_I’ll always be here, Kylo Ren. You cannot escape…_

* * *

She’s dragging. That’s the only way she can describe it. Somehow she managed to nod off in the cockpit. When she comes to, she’s still curled around the co-pilot’s seat, a blanket draped over her. Han is gone, hopefully to find his own sleep, if he can. There’s a tension on the ship that she can feel rippling over her. The waves of it buffet her and for a moment she feels herself being pulled into the Sinking Fields, sand closing over her head.

She gasps.

Chewbacca turns in his seat and there’s concern in the lines of his heavily furred face. He growls softly and she shakes her head. “I don’t know.”

She does, though. She can feel it…can feel _him_. The darkness that hovers around him, threatening to lash out or bury him alive in equal measures. It’s _there_ all around her, choking her with its acrid flavor. The darkness has never been so close, so terrible, _so beautiful_. And she has to choke back the sob that threatens to overwhelm her.

Chewbacca gives another growl.

She blinks and the world comes back into focus. “I think I need to hit the ‘fresher.” Maybe the hot water will clear her head. Maybe it will take the bad taste out of her mouth, chase the darkness from the corners of her mind.

As she steps into the hall beyond the cockpit, it’s quiet. But she can feel a current of _something_ roiling there beneath the peacefulness of the early morning hours. Han steps out of his room, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

He stops her there and there’s a look in his eyes, not quite pity, maybe worry more than anything. “Did you sleep at all, kid?”

She shrugs. “A little.” _Sleep_ is not perhaps the term she’d use. She was somewhere between waking and sleeping, the visions too real to just be dreams. Kylo’s presence leaves her unsettled in ways she’d rather not think about.

“Hmph,” Han says in response.

“How long?” she says as he steps past her.

He turns back. “Not long now. Another hour or so by my calculations.”

“So soon?” He nods and is gone then, disappearing into the cockpit, leaving her standing alone outside the door to her cabin.

And she realizes she’s not quite sure she’s ready for this. She feels something building, this _Force_ that she’s been exposed to, that’s awakened inside her. She knows what it is, but not what to do with it.

She doesn’t know if she _wants_ to do anything with it.

_She’s terrified_.

She shivers as she steps into the cooler confines of her cabin, wrapping her arms right around her. This _thing_ that is alive inside her is not something she wants, has ever wanted. She wants to push it away, shove it in a box and seal it shut, never allowing it to see the light of day.

The sounds of the ship fade away around her and her spine straightens, eyes scanning the cabin for any sign of danger. Any sign of _him_.

_You have to learn to control it_ , comes the voice in her head.

“I don’t want to.” She hates how petulant her voice sounds, even though there’s no one there to hear her speak.

_Without control, there is chaos_.

“Get out of my head.”

He’s gained purchase in there, and the worst thing is she doesn’t even know if the voice is really _there_ or if she’s just supplying it. Either way, it says nothing more and the sounds of the hyperdrive, the shifting of an old ship, all return.

“The ‘fresher,” she mutters. She needs to get ready to face Luke. The legend, the myth, whatever he might be. She’s not sure what they’ll find on this distant planet. But face him they will. And he’ll either return with them, be the hope they need. Or not, and they’ll have to find another way.

Either way, she has some sense that her life is about to change.

She just wishes she knew if it were for the better.

Or worse.


	8. Chapter 8

She doesn’t see Kylo until they’ve landed. It’s a good thing, she’s sure. He’s holed himself up in his cabin and seems to want to stay out of everyone’s way. She feels guilty, she realizes. A terrible and weird feeling when it comes to him. They were talking about him. They got caught.

She’s never been one for gossip, never enjoyed listening to the other scavengers swap stories about people who weren’t there. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, wondering when you’re gone if they’re talking about _you_ in that same derisive way.

_Give him a chance_ …

As if he’s not murdered countless people.

_Give him a chance_ …

As if he didn’t get inside her _head_ and rip her thoughts right out of it.

_Give him a chance…_

As if she hasn’t been inside _his_ , hasn’t seen his hopes and dreams and _fears_ of not being like the beloved Grandfather, so terrifying and awful. And yet there’s hope there in Han Solo’s face when he talks about his kid coming home. _He’s here, isn’t he?_

And he is.

And she has no idea _why_ he’s there.

It’s when the ramp is lowered and Rey and Chewbacca are gathered at the opening, ready to descend, that Han heaves a sigh and finally goes in search of his missing son. He returns shortly with him at his heels, but Kylo looks anything but pleased. There’s a scowl on his expressive face and his eyes won’t meet hers.

“Alright, we’re all here now,” Han says and the words are just a little too bright. “Let’s go see if we can’t get this reclusive bastard to come home with us.”

He starts to move down the ramp.

Kylo does not follow.

Han turns back to him. “Are you coming, son?” There’s an exasperation to the words.

“I think not.” The words are clipped.

Han sighs. “Look, I know what happened…”

“I don’t think you do,” Kylo cuts him off with. “I think it’s best if you, the Wookiee, and the _scavenger_ go see him.”

“Rey,” she says, weakly, and his eyes flit to her briefly. He inclines his head at least, though she’s not sure what that means exactly.

“Son,” Han starts to say.

“Good luck,” Kylo says and walks back into the ship. She can hear the slamming of the door to his cabin and hates seeing the way Han flinches.

“He always was a temperamental kid,” he mutters and then turns to head down the ramp. “Come on. Let’s go find Luke.”

Chewbacca follows him, his heavy footsteps echoing on the somewhat rickety old ramp. Rey follows more slowly, her gaze turning back for a moment to where Kylo had disappeared. _Temperamental,_ Han had described him as. He certainly was prickly, prone to angry outbursts that seemed out of proportion with the reason for it. But there’s more there.

Another emotion roiling just beneath the surface.

She takes a deep breath.

And another.

And _focuses_.

“Are you coming, Rey?” Han’s voice interrupts her, but she already knows, has already felt it.

_Shame_.

Shame and that ever-present terror. And she’s not quite sure what it all means.

Taking a deep breath, she steps down the ramp and catches up to Han and Chewbacca.

* * *

Luke is not exactly easy to find on this backwater planet in the middle of nowhere. The place is a rocky landscape dotted with scrubby grass and strange, big-eyed birds. They’re everywhere, flying overhead, dipping down close. They’re curious creatures. One lands on Chewbacca’s shoulder and he gives a loud growl and shrugs it off.

Rey would laugh but she’s still concerned about _everything_. And Chewbacca is eying those birds like they’re dinner. She doesn’t know much about Wookiees, but can well imagine his plucking it out of the air and eating it right then and there.

She shivers and stops about a third of the way up the giant hill they’re ascending. Chewbacca is off ahead of her somewhere, his long legs taking him easily up the craggy hill. He’s far more surefooted than she is and she wonders, not for the first time, what it might be like to tower above everyone like that.

Han is behind her, falling further behind all the time. She forgets, sometimes, that he’s not the Han Solo of myth and legend. He’s still fairly spry but as he’s pointed out to her, he’s getting _old_. When he finally catches up, Rey turns to him. “What’s he like? Luke, I mean?”

Han glances up the remainder of the hill and sighs. “Difficult,” he mutters.

Rey tries to hold back the snort that comes out, but it escapes anyway, much to her chagrin. Han just claps her on the back. “That’s good, kid. Keep that sense of humor.” He steps past her then and for a moment, the frown on his face looks almost like his son’s. “You’re going to need it.”

The rest of the trek up the hillside is quiet, only punctuated by the huffing of her breath and Hans’s occasional muttered curses. She’s in good shape, honed by years of fighting for survival in the desert, but this is something all new to her. Cold and damp and high up the hillside where already the air feels thinner.

When they reach the summit, she bends over slightly to catch her breath. Han does much the same, hand over his eyes as he looks around them. “Over there.” She can see a small group of huts in the distance. It still seems _so far_ up there on the plateau, but at least the land is flat, if not even.

They approach cautiously. Most of the huts are open to the elements, any doors that were once there long gone. There’s no sign of anyone inhabiting them. But a little ways off, separate from the rest of the huts, and up a small path, is a hut with a metal door. As they get closer, Han lets out a small noise of annoyance.

“What?” Rey says as she turns toward him.

“That’s an S-Foil…”

“From an X-Wing?” She takes a closer look and realizes that yes, it does appear to be one of the wings from an X-Wing.

Han nods. “You’re a good kid.” And she feels herself blush at his compliment.

For a moment, she wonders if he ever says the same thing to his son. She shakes her head at the thought before looking back at the hut. “So…do we just…knock?”

He shrugs. “I suppose.”

“We won’t startle him?”

“He probably knows we’re here,” Han replies with. “All that _Force_ mumbo-jumbo.”

If Luke does know, he gives no indication. Rey strides up and knocks on the improvised doorway. The clang of her hand against it seems far too loud and she cringes a little.

There’s no response.

She glances at Han, at Chewbacca.

She knocks again.

Nothing.

“Master Skywalker?”

Nothing.

“You’re sister sent us,” she starts to say and turns back to Han for some sort of help. He just waves at the door. None to be had there, she supposes and rolls her eyes. These _heroes_ are not exactly like she’d imagined they’d be. “We need you…” She trails off. What else can she say?

Then finally – “Go away.”

She takes a step back, looking to Han. He shrugs again and looks to Chewbacca. There’s a communication there that goes beyond the need for words and not for the first time she wonders just how long these two disparate beings have known each other. The ease with which they work together, their ability to communicate with just a nod, it’s almost as if _they_ have the Force. Though she’s sure Han would scoff at that.

_Can Wookiees be Jedi?_ It’s something she may have to ask Luke eventually. She’s pretty sure Han doesn’t have the Force, and even if he did he’d never admit it. But Chewbacca? She’s so unfamiliar with relationships between people who actually care about each other that she doesn’t know. Maybe it comes from years of traveling together, living together, knowing each other.

She thinks that she might like that someday.

There’s not much time to think about it though as Chewbacca lets out an annoyed roar and strides forward. He pounds on the door once, twice, and then kicks it and the door flies off its makeshift hinges.

Rey cringes at the sound.

Han smirks.

And from inside the hut comes a rather un-Jedi-like curse followed by “Chewie!”

Well, at least he seems happy to see _someone_.

* * *

“Your _sister_ ,” Han is saying. They’re sitting around a small pit in the middle of the hut, and Luke is cooking something that smells absolutely _divine._ Her mouth is watering and it’s distracting her from what they really need to accomplish here.

“She’ll be fine without me,” Luke responds with. He’s not what she expected. She’s seen the holos. Everyone has. Dashing young man all in black, light hair just a tad bit too long, cleft in his chin, standing to accept yet another medal for his defeat of Darth Vader. She remembers a somewhat pinched look around those piercing blue eyes, but still, he looked so proud, so young.

Not now. Not here. He looks…defeated. His hair is long and unkempt, his beard streaked with grey. His eyes are faded and tired, as if he’s seen everything and found it all wanting. His gruff responses are befitting of someone who has lost contact with the rest of humanity.

“She _needs_ you,” Han says.

Rey grabs her pack and scrambles around in it, pulling out the lightsaber and holding it out to Luke.

He just looks at it and for a moment the metal hand at his side twitches. When he reaches out to take it, she almost breathes a sigh of relief. But then he gives it an almost rueful look and tosses it back at her. “Keep it. I have no use for that thing.”

“That _thing_?” Rey says, standing suddenly. She’s still holding it, but she doesn’t dare twist it in her hand to light it. “This is more than a _thing_. This is _hope_. We _need_ you. The First Order is strong…you’re our only hope.” The last is said with a small voice, but she sees the way the words hit him. _Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope…_

“Why are you here?”

Rey blinks at that question. She’s not sure she has an answer to that. There’s that _thing_ there inside her, calling to her, connecting her to Kylo Ren and what happened on Starkiller Base. It’s fire in her veins and ice in her heart. “I…” she starts to say. “You’re sister sent me…”

Luke shakes his head at that. “No…forget Leia. Han could have come on his own to get me. Why are _you_ here?”

“There’s something inside me.” The words come tumbling out. “Something that’s awakened. I don’t understand it. I _need_ to.”

“The Force,” Luke says quietly. And for a moment she’s reminded that he’s a Jedi Master, even if he seems like nothing more than an eccentric hermit living on a backwater planet. He knows things, he’s _seen_ things, that she doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to comprehend.

“Yes,” she whispers.

His mouth turns down as he contemplates it. “I can’t teach you,” he murmurs.

“Can’t? Or won’t?” Rey shoots back and she feels this _annoyance_ come over her. _He’s always like that_ , comes the words unbidden into her mind and she shivers. _He_ is there, somewhere, still hovering at the back of her mind.

“Does it matter?” Luke asks.

“I suppose it doesn’t.” So that’s it then. The great Luke Skywalker, nothing more than an out of touch hermit. She’s not sure if she feels disappointed or angry over it. She stands, shoving the lightsaber back into her pack and shouldering it.

“Snoke is getting too powerful,” Han says, the words dropping heavily into the silence around them.

Luke flinches at that. She’ll give him that much. “I’ll never face Snoke.” The words are flat and she sits back down, feeling as if someone has punched her in her gut.

There’s silence after that declaration. Rey sucks in a few deep breaths, trying to center herself. This is not going the way they wanted. She’s not sure what she expected, not really, but it wasn’t _this_. Luke’s refusing to talk to them at first, refusing to even contemplate returning with them, refusing to _help_. It’s almost too much.

And then Luke laughs.

It’s a dry, unused thing. “What? Did you think I was going to walk out there with a laser sword and face them all by myself? What exactly did you think that would accomplish?”

Rey glances at Han as he gives a long suffering sigh. And then, finally – “What really happened, Luke? I know my kid destroyed your dreams, but there has to be more.”

Luke says nothing for a moment. “There’s nothing more.” And she _knows_ he’s lying. She doesn’t know how, but she feels this _anger_ rise up inside her, this feeling of being right about it all. There is more. Much more.

“So why didn’t you rebuild?” Han asks.

“Rebuild _what_?” Luke shoots back. “The temple was in flames. My students were dead. And your son was _gone_ , off to become _Kylo Ren_ and worship at the altar of Snoke. No, there was no rebuilding from that. He burned it all to the ground.”

“He doesn’t know,” Rey whispers. “How does he not know?”

Luke stops in his tirade to look at her. “Doesn’t know… _what_?”

Surely Luke could sense him. Even now, she could feel Kylo Ren’s presence on the planet, can almost taste it, _smell_ it. The spicy scent of the anger, the barely unleashed hatred, the dark bite of fear. She’s sensed it since they first came on the Falcon when leaving the crumbling remains of Starkiller Base. But now it’s so much sharper, almost overwhelming.

Rey doesn’t know how to respond and so Luke turns toward Han, eyebrows raising as he watches his old friend.

“Yeah, about that,” Han says, running his hands through his hair. “He’s here.”

“He…” Luke starts to say. Han shrugs. “You brought Kylo Ren to my island?”

“I brought Ben Solo here,” Han shoots back with.

The way Luke’s jaw drops slightly, the wide eyes, it’s almost _comical_ and Rey finds herself coming close to choking back a laugh. She doesn’t dare though. There’s something there. Some sense of fear that is quickly swallowed up.

“He’s going by that again, is he?” Luke murmurs.

“Sort of,” Han admits. “I won’t call him anything else.”

“Now _that_ I believe.” Luke’s voice is soft. She wonders what he’s remembering at that moment, the boy who was his nephew or the man who destroyed his whole world? But she’s not really sure it matters. They’re one in the same. “He came back with you? Of his own accord?”

Han nods. “He left Snoke.”

“No one leaves Snoke.” There’s a darkness that tinges Luke’s words and Rey feels a shiver work its way up her spine. He sighs and glances around the hut they’re sitting in. “This has been my home for nearly six years.”

He falls silent and they both wait for his next words.

“There’s much I discovered here. There’s much more I _need_ to discover.” He levels his gaze first on Rey, and she squirms a bit under his scrutiny, but then he turns to look at Han again. “I only say that so you know that leaving here is not an easy decision.”

“You’re coming?” Rey says and cringes a little at the eagerness to the words.

Luke sighs. “Yes, young Rey. It seems I don’t have much choice. Ben Solo leaving Snoke is not going to be taken lightly, either by the First Order or by Snoke. _No one_ leaves Snoke. He is a parasite, a cancer that works its way deep inside your blood. This can only end one of two ways.”

When he falls silent, Rey finds herself leaning forward, waiting for him to go on. Chewbacca offers a soft growl.

Luke finally levels his gaze on her and then looks over at Han as he continues. “Snoke’s complete destruction. Or Ben Solo’s.”

* * *

He can’t sense Luke, not there on the island. He knows they’re close to him like he knows that there are other living beings on the island. But Luke is not within the Force.

He’s cut himself off.

And Kylo realizes, maybe not for the first time, that he hasn’t sensed his uncle since soon after his departure from the burning academy. Then it had been a rush of power and terror all mixed up in one that left him cut off from Luke.

But now?

Now in his calmer moments, he realizes that Luke has purposely cut himself off from everything. His sister, his nephew, anyone who had once mattered. He understands that, somewhere deep inside. Kylo had still been a part of the Force, but he had blocked out any bit of his family, such as they were, when he had fled with the other students and gone to Snoke.

_Snoke_ …

_Him_ he can feel, still somewhere on the edges of his mind. This ever-present _thing_ trying to claw its way into his mind, rip it to shreds, find its home in it. _He’s using you for your power_. There’s truth to those words. Snoke built him up and he knows, somewhere deep inside, that when he did whatever it was Snoke ultimately wanted him to, he would be of no more use.

_The great Kylo Ren_ was nothing but a construct.

_Snoke’s_ construct. And yet a part of him wants to _go back_. And it’s that part that Snoke tries to worm his way into, sewing those seeds of doubt, of hate.

_They always feared you._

_They never loved you._

_You weren’t what they wanted. No one wants the grandson of Darth Vader_.

No one, but him. And he had crooned in his ear and caressed the side of his face and told him that there, with _him_ , he would always _belong_.

Kylo’s head shoots up as he senses something.

_Rey_.

He can feel her as she comes closer to the Falcon. There’s a lightness to her presence, this bubbly effervescent feeling that races along his veins and tries to push the darkness out. She’s been there, pushed until she found her way _inside_ and dug right into the darkest of his fears. And yet she doesn’t know, doesn’t _understand_. She’s a desert rat, a scavenger who comes from nowhere and nothing, and yet she broadcasts so brightly within the Force that it almost left him gasping upon first encountering her.

And so she’s there and he can sense that she feels both elated _and_ worried and he’s sure that can mean only one thing.

They’ve convinced Luke to return with them.

He stands then, grabbing his lightsaber before he can stop himself. _Luke_. Luke who caused _everything_. Luke, who didn’t tell him who his grandfather was. Luke, who didn’t _protect_ him when that’s all his sister wanted. Luke, who didn’t let him go home.

_They didn’t want you._

_They never loved you._

Luke didn’t love him either, treating him as he would any other student at the Academy. Just another student to mold and train in the ways of his own long-dead masters. He never understood. He never even _tried_.

He’s stepping out onto the ramp to the Falcon before he can even stop himself. They’re _there_. Han Solo, a slight frown on his face, and when did he ever grow so _old_? Rey, with a half smile on her face and a slightly furrowed brow. _So conflicted, scavenger_.

And Luke.

Kylo steps out of the shadow of the Falcon and ignites his lightsaber, some part of himself, that dark part that Snoke had brought out, thrilling to the sound of its frenetic energy. “Hello Uncle. Did you tell them what _really_ happened?” 


	9. Chapter 9

“Ben,” Luke says. There’s no inflection in his voice, not anger, not frustration, _nothing_. She senses nothing from him at all. Which she cannot say for Kylo Ren. Emotions are rolling off him in waves as he stands completely still, lightsaber sparking at his side.

He looks calm.

But behind that, she can feel the building rage that’s just barely curling his upper lip up and narrowing those dark eyes. “Did you tell them?” The words are shouted, just a small bit of desperation tinging them.

_Are you always so terrified_ , Rey wonders. His mother, his father, now his uncle. There is fear in the fire of his veins, in the crevices deep inside him. And she can’t understand it. What does _he_ have to fear, someone with such power. Telekinesis, mind control, blocking blaster shots. How can someone like that fear _anything_?

“You didn’t, did you?” Kylo says as he walks further down the ramp. He approaches his uncle with his lightsaber raised and Rey has this moment of panic.

He’s going to kill him.

She scrambles, pulling her pack around herself. Dig through, find the lightsaber. It’s a death sentence, of course it is. But Luke is their _hope_ and she can’t let Kylo Ren kill that last bit of hope.

Is that why he’s really here?

_Oh God, they’ve all been so stupid_. He’s come along not to kill her, not to kill Han, but to kill _Luke Skywalker._

_You have the map…and now you’ll give it to me…_

“No!” she starts to shout as she pulls the lightsaber out. Neither man look at her. Luke thumbs his own lightsaber on and she’s not even sure where the green blade came from. She hadn’t seen it on him as they left the hut.

Rey starts to move toward them, but a hand on her arm stops her. She turns to see Han watching the duo and he’s _smirking_. He’s _crazy_. She’s heard the stories of course, the Kessel run at 12 parsecs, the close scrapes he’s had with the law, the tangling with one of the Hutts that left him frozen in carbonite for damned near two years. But this is almost too much.

“What” she just barely manages to say.

“I think this has been a long time coming,” Han says, that smile still playing about his mouth. He pulls her back a pace or two. “Just watch.”

And she does. What choice does she have, really?

“I don’t want to fight you, Ben,” Luke says, eerily calm.

“No?” Kylo shoots back. “Well, you have no choice. Like I didn’t.”

He lunges at his uncle, giving Rey no time to think about what he said, what it might mean. He swings wide, no grace behind it. Just one wild swing at his uncle. Luke sidesteps it, spins and returns to facing him in one fluid movement.

Kylo twists, backhanding his lightsaber. Luke deflects it easily, as if he’s toying with the younger man. Perhaps he is. He has some twenty or more years on him, surely. She doesn’t know if he’s stayed in practice at all, but he certainly looks like it all comes naturally to him.

“Ben,” Luke says and there’s a warning behind the word.

Another slash.

Luke leaps backward.

Kylo takes another swing. “They don’t know, do they?”

Thrust. Parry.

“You’ve kept it from them all these years.”

He’s sounding frantic, rage building in every word.

There’s a part of her that finds it all fascinating to watch, almost like a dance. Luke is all concentrated movements, defensive. He parries, but never thrusts with his lightsaber. It’s clear he doesn’t want to hurt his nephew and he manages to keep him on his toes by moving quickly and deflecting each of his thrusts as if he anticipated where they would fall.

Kylo is absolutely brutal. She’s only seen him deflecting her blaster shots, but never like _this_. He moves with almost no grace, using his powerful body to swing the lightsaber wide. A few times its sparking blade comes close to hitting his uncle. But each and every time the man ducks and twists and keeps out of its way.

It’s dizzying and beautiful in its brutality.

Kylo is breathing hard when they skid to a stop for a moment. “I’m sorry, Ben,” Luke says.

“I’m sure you are,” Kylo snarls and rushes him. Rey lets out a gasp as he comes close to hitting Luke this time. They’ve been holding back, both of them, testing each other as they spin and parry, thrust and sidestep each other’s blades.

And then she sees the moment it happens, the moment the switch flips and Kylo _means_ it. His teeth are bared in a silent snarl, lips drawn up

Luke raises his lightsaber in the mockery of a salute and steps to the side.

Two predators circling each other.

A dance to the death.

“He’s going to kill him,” she whispers to Han.

Han just shrugs and she can’t quite understand how he can be so kriffing nonchalant about the whole thing. She can’t be. She just _can’t_. And so she still finds herself turning the lightsaber she has in her hand, her thumb hovering over the button to ignite it. She has no idea what she’ll do if she _does_ , but it’s there. The possibility. She can’t let Kylo Ren kill Luke Skywalker.

He’s their only hope.

He’s _her_ only hope, the person who needs to help her make sense of this whole _Force_ thing that’s been awakened inside her. The Master Jedi. The _only one left_.

She finds herself hitting the control to turn the lightsaber on. She barely has time to process it before she’s leaping forward, the blade flashing, a living _thing_ in her hand. It’s lighter than the staff she uses, the balance off from what she’s used to. As she rushes forward, she twirls it once, twice, like she’s seen Kylo Ren do. The second time it feels somewhat more natural in her hand.

But she doesn’t have time to contemplate that.

She can hear Han shouting something, can hear Chewbacca roar.

And then she’s rushing in between Luke and Kylo Ren, her own lightsaber raised against Kylo. As he brings his down with a powerful swing, she’s _right there_ to meet him. They clash, blue against red, the steady hum of Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber meeting the crackling unstableness that is Kylo Ren’s, and she can see the purple light in his eyes as they widen. “I won’t let you do it,” she snarls at him and she doesn’t even _recognize_ the voice that comes from her.

He backs up a pace.

She goes after him.

She won’t let him retreat, raising her lightsaber to strike at him from the side. He parries, backs up again. She rushes forward. He twists to the side and spins. There’s more grace there than she thought, watching from the outside.

He throws up a hand and she feels herself being thrown to the side, as if he had tossed her like so much garbage. She rolls, coming back to her feet in an instant. She didn’t spend all those years fighting off the predators of Jakku for nothing.

She attacks with a snarl.

He falls back.

She doesn’t want to kill him. She knows this somehow deep inside. And so her strikes are meant to drive him back, to make him stop, to _wound_.

She manages a hit on his shoulder and he hisses.

He blocks her next wild thrust.

And the next.

She shouts something incoherent and feels _something_ skittering across her skin, flowing through her veins. _Yes. This is what you were meant for_. The voice is not her own. She doesn’t know, can’t imagine what it is. But she exalts in it. In the rage, in the pain, in the refusal to let this creature take _anything else_ from her.

She’s lost everything.

She won’t lose _this_.

He shouts her name just as she throws her left hand up, and then he’s lifted in the air and flies backward. She watches as he hits the ground hard, his head coming back to collide heavily with the rocks he’s landed on. He lets out a grunt and his lightsaber flies out of his hand, skittering across the ground as the blade extinguishes.

Rey takes another step toward him, stalking, waiting for him to get up.

But he doesn’t. He lays there, eyes half-closed, mouth parted, as he watches her approach.

There’s silence there on the island in the aftermath. Even the Porgs seemed to have paused in their swooping flights around the island to watch whatever just happened.

And then Han laughs.

Rey turns to look at him. His face has crumpled up into absolute _mirth_ , and he’s clapping Chewbacca on the shoulder. Chewbacca roars and she’s almost sure the Wookiee is laughing too. Then Han turns his eyes on his son, still on the ground, half sitting up and still watching Rey with that look of wonder on his face.

“Oh boy, kid,” Han says and the words are strangely light. “You sure do you have your work cut out for you.”

She hears a lightsaber extinguish behind her and she turns to find look watching her with an assessing look on. “I think you can put that thing away,” he says softly.

She glances at her lightsaber, at _Darth Vader’s_ lightsaber, and nods, thumbing the blade off. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Kylo sit up, sucking in great breaths of air. “Right,” she finally says.

Luke looks from her, to Kylo, and finally to Han, and there’s a small twist to his lips that tells her he’s trying to hide his amusement. “What exactly just happened?”

Han just shakes his head and walks over to put his arm over Luke’s shoulder. The other man flinches briefly before seeming to come back to himself. “I have no idea,” Han says. “But it was pretty damned amazing.” He gives one more look at Rey and Kylo, before starting to pull Luke back toward the Falcon. “Come on old friend, let’s go see your sister.”

Rey watches as the three old friends, Han, Luke, and Chewbacca, make their way back onto the Falcon. She’s envious, watching their camaraderie. They haven’t seen Luke in many years and yet they’re falling right back into it.

These guys are _heroes_. They saved the world from Darth Vader and the Empire. And they did it through sheer willpower alone. Luke, the kid from some backwater planet whose legacy was one he never could have imagined. Han, the smuggler who got mixed up in it all by accident. And Chewbacca. He’s steadfast, she can tell that. He seems as devoted to Han as Han does to him. A bonded pair of sorts. She’s seen it before, among the scavengers on Jakku. Not many, but some. Lifelong bonds that can’t be broken. She wonders in her darkest moments what might have become of Chewbacca had Kylo Ren actually gone through with killing his father.

“I don’t know,” comes the soft voice from behind her and she whirls to face him. He’s standing now, his lightsaber tucked safely back into his belt. And he’s still watching her with that look, his eyes dark and completely unreadable.

“Get out of my head,” she mutters. The words are almost a reflex now. They’re out before she even thinks them.

He looks almost sheepish at her words, but finally shrugs. “You need to learn how to shield your thoughts.”

“I wouldn’t have to if there weren’t people insisting on reading them,” she snaps back at him.

He watches her for a moment and his lips twist up, just slightly. For a moment she’s reminded of Han and realizes there may be _something_ of the old smuggler in Kylo. The resemblance is thin, but it’s there, just below the surface.

“You broadcast…” he starts to say.

“Loudly, I know.” She supposes it’s something she needs to talk to Luke about. She can’t have Kylo reading her thoughts at every turn. That could get awkward really fast. “I should leave you here.”

“They’d probably love it if you did,” he responds with, and for a moment she actually feels _bad_ about it. That his own father and uncle would rather he be left alone on the island to fend for himself than go back with him.

“Your mother would never forgive us,” she softens the blow with.

“Only because I have intel on the First Order.”

“You really think they all hate you, don’t you?”

He shrugs. “Considering all I’ve done…”

“They still love you.” And she realizes the truth in it. Han Solo risked his life to bring his son home. Leia Organa risked her reputation and the safety of the entire Resistance to bring him back into the fold. Luke? She doesn’t know yet. There’s bad blood there and something neither man seems willing to tell anyone. “You should be thankful for that every day. Some of us? We have no one.” She turns to head into the ship.

“Rey.” She turns back at the soft sound of her name on his lips. It’s the first time he’s called her by her name and it strikes some strange sort of chord inside her. “I…” he starts to say and then his mouth snaps shut.

Rey watches him for a moment before turning and walking back up into the ship, her steps quick and purposeful. They have Luke. They have hope.

And they have Kylo Ren.

She supposes that has to count for something.

* * *

He follows her a little more slowly. He’s still not sure what he was going to say. Her use of his grandfather’s lightsaber, her latent Force abilities coming out so strongly, it’s all left him feeling a little unsettled.

A little confused.

She’s as strong as he is in the Force. Somehow he knows this. And all he knows is that it’s _dangerous_. She needs to be taught, needs to know how to harness her powers, or she’s a livewire. She could burn down the entire Resistance with the wrong move now that it’s been awakened in her. She could destroy everything _she_ holds dear.

He shakes his head.

_Kriffing scavenger_.

He tries not to think too hard of what _he_ thinks of her. From an inconsequential nothing from a backwater planet like Jakku to the woman who just knocked him completely on his arse using the Force against him. _Him._ Kylo Ren, heir of Darth Vader, son of Leia Organa-Solo.

He almost calls her back, almost offers to help her.

_You have Luke now_ , he reminds himself. His uncle is somewhere on the ship, no doubt catching up with his old friend. Luke can teach her. _Why would you even want to?_

He finds he doesn’t want to examine that too closely, doesn’t want to examine the way his heart rate seems to increase just slightly whenever she’s around. And he definitely doesn’t want to examine whatever this _thing_ is. He keeps hearing her thoughts, feeling her emotions. Her nightmares have pulled him out of his room in the middle of the night. He’s _seen_ her, there up on the hillside with him. She hadn’t climbed that hill, no matter how much she wanted to convince him of that. She had been there through some machination of the Force.

She’d been in his dreams.

In his nightmares.

And in every kriffing waking thought that hasn’t been focused on the horror of seeing his Uncle again.

It’s like she’s taken him _over_. All that because she’d been in his head and he’d been in hers. It’s like they’ve formed some sort of _bond_ , and he wonders if it goes both ways. Can she read his thoughts?

He feels himself color slightly at the thought and starts to run one hand through his hair before he hears the echo of her voice in his head. _Is that why you keep your hair long?_ He clenches his hand into a fist as he drops his arm to his side.

_Kriff_.

He has no idea what he’s going to do about her.

No idea what he’s going to do about Luke _kriffing_ Skywalker. They don’t know. He’s sure of it. Luke has never told them. Why would he have, really? He doesn’t know how soon after he destroyed his Temple that Luke had disappeared, but he’s sure that he didn’t admit to his part in it all. Oh, certainly the Dark had been there. _Snoke_ had been there, stretching back to a time Kylo can barely recall.

But Luke had been the final push to the Dark Side, that final thing that Snoke was just _waiting_ for, his cold laughter in his head when Luke had stood over him, lightsaber ignited as he stared down menacingly at his apprentice.

At his _nephew_.

He shudders. It’s never left him, that image. The great Luke Skywalker, savior of the galaxy, just moments away from killing his own nephew.

_You should have let him_.

And now he has to face him every kriffing day.

Kylo hesitates as he steps onto the ship, the ramp closing behind him. For a moment, he can’t breathe, walls closing in around him, and he slumps to the side, hands trying to grip anything he can find.

The world is closing in on him.

He’s a dead man, no matter which way he goes.

Snoke.

The First Order.

_Luke_.

Someone is going to end him before this is all over. He has no doubt of it. And there are times that he wishes someone with just a bit of kindness would end the miserable life he’s created for himself.

_Maybe Rey_ , comes the unbidden thought, and he can well imagine it. Her standing over him, Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber held over that blackened thing he calls a heart as she musters every bit of compassion and love ( _love? where did_ love _come from?_ ) to put him out of his misery.

_Thank you_.

He feels the ship shudder and lurch as it leaves the planet, feels it shift beneath his feet as it enters hyperspace. With a rueful twist of his lips, he leaves his fantasies for another time, and returns to the cabin he’s claimed as his own.


	10. Chapter 10

The first day back out in space is fairly uneventful. Han takes Kylo off to what passes for a medical bay on the Falcon to get some bacta patches on the burns from where she hit him with the lightsaber. She’d feel guilty, but she still feels so _angry_ at him for going after Luke in such a way.

She’s not even sure why she feels so protective of the master Jedi. But he’s _hope_ for a group of people that need it more than anything, and so she will protect him with her life. Whatever that might mean for them all.

Kylo disappears after he’s patched up. Han shrugs and tells her maybe it’s for the best. He needs time to himself or some such thing. He only reappears a handful of times, grabbing some rations and retreating to his quarters without speaking to anyone. Han and Luke confer in whispers after those moments, and there’s a tension there that she noticed started after the reveal that Kylo was with them.

Luke remains stubbornly tight-lipped on what exactly happened with his nephew. She’s gleaned some small bits. Destruction, death, but there’s _more_ and she finds herself frustrated at the lack of knowledge. “What happened with your academy?” she asks late in the first day of travel back to the base.

Luke watches her for a moment and shakes his head. “I don’t think that’s my story to tell…”

“Then whose is it?” she explodes with. “It was _your_ academy…”

“And my nephew. Yes I know.” He glances down at the lightsaber that is still secured to his belt. She wonders if he’ll sleep with it. It seems so much a part of him that she’s not sure he would ever be able to part with it. “Kylo grew strong with the dark side of the force,” he murmurs.

“Yes I know that.”

He says nothing then and Rey lets out a huff of frustration. “Then perhaps I’ll have to ask Kylo…”

“You would believe him?” Luke asks, and she’s not quite sure if she hears surprise there or derision.

“I may have no choice,” she shoots back with, standing. She doesn’t want to go in search of Kylo, not exactly, but this drive to know, this need to hear _what happened_ from someone is pushing at her. And sometimes she wonders if it’s _her_ thoughts…or someone else’s. 

“How is it you have no knowledge of your Force abilities?” The change of subject is jarring and Rey sits back down.

“I…” she starts to say, but she doesn’t know how to answer that, how to tell him that she’s a nobody dumped on a backwater planet with no knowledge of the Force outside of what she once thought was myth and legend.

“Did no one where you’re from recognize it?” He seems kindly in that moment, fatherly almost, and she shivers.

“I come from nowhere.” The words are flat.

“No one’s from _nowhere_ ,” Luke points out and there’s a small half-smile on his face with the words.

“She’s from Jakku,” Han points out as he ducks his head back into the cockpit.

Luke glances at his friend for a moment and then back to her. “Well, then,” he starts to say. And then – “I guess you _are_ from nowhere.” He looks pensive at the thought and for a moment, Rey almost feels defensive of the place.

_You called it nowhere_.

_It_ is _nowhere._

_A nowhere place and a nothing girl…_

“How did you end up there?” Luke asks and her eyebrows rise.

“How did you…”

“No one is _from_ Jakku,” Han says and there’s a kindness in the words that makes her shut her eyes for a moment in both sadness and relief. “It’s a dumping ground, kid. Surely you know that.”

“Better than anyone.” Her voice is tight. With anger, with tears, she’s not sure. She’s not even sure it matters anymore. Her feelings about Jakku are…mixed…at best. Sometimes she still thinks she should have remained there instead of flying off to the unknown with myths and legends who are crumbling to dust before her very eyes. Before getting trapped into the Force, into whatever this _thing_ is that seems to be connecting her and Kylo Ren.

“You don’t need to talk about it,” Han says and Luke almost looks like he’s going to contradict him. But then he looks at her and she’s pretty sure for the first time, he really _sees_ her.

“Get some rest,” Luke says and stands. “We can talk more about the Force later.”

Rey looks from him to Han. Han shrugs. “You do kind of look like hell.”

“Not as bad as Kylo does,” she says, a small note of pride in her voice. She’d _beaten_ him. Granted, it was clear he wasn’t trying to hurt her, going out of his way to do nothing more than block her blows. She got lucky, hitting him in the shoulder before blasting him back with this _power_ that seems to be even more insistently flowing through her than before.

Han laughs and Luke just shakes his head. “Go on then,” Luke says and Rey obeys. Now that they mention it, sleep _does_ sounds good. She’s feeling muscles she doesn’t usually feel and she groans a bit as she gets up and exits the cockpit. Bone deep weariness hits her almost as soon as she’s into her quarters and she falls into the bunk still fully clothed.

* * *

He can’t sleep.

Not that this is the first time that happened.

In fact, if he was wont to admit it, sleep never came easily for him. First it was the fights, Han and Leia trying to keep quiet, but the sound of it always filtered through the room their young son was attempting to sleep in. Then it was the whispers in the night, dark and frightening and then _soothing_ , an old friend who was there to comfort him when his own parents couldn’t. The push and pull of the light and the dark inside him plagued him all through his time with Snoke. Snoke, of course, _knew that_ , and did his best to wipe out the light as thoroughly as he could.

But there was that spark.

And now that spark is the other room, her rage and pain as she rushed at him both beautiful and terrible. She’s a force to be reckoned with. He’s known this, known it since he first laid eyes on her. When she was just _the girl_ , the _scavenger_ who had the map to his uncle. He had been able to _feel_ her, before he’d even laid eyes on her, tracking her through the woods by the feel of her alone.

And so sleep? With her so close?

_She doesn’t know_.

He keeps coming back to that. His father doesn’t know. His mother doesn’t know. His uncle is out there _right now_ with his father and he could tell them, but he knows he won’t. When he faced him in that clearing near the Falcon, he could feel both the righteous anger and the embarrassment.

_Embarrassment_.

He had almost _killed_ him, had stood over him with his lightsaber raised and hate in his eyes and come so close to taking the life of his own sister’s son.

_He never trusted you_ , says the whisper. _He’ll never trust you, never again, not after_ …

“Stop!” Kylo whispers into the darkness of his quarters.

_I am part of you._

_You can’t escape me_.

That raspy voice, the dark laughter, it skitters across his skin and lodges deep within him. Always there, always a _presence_ , it was alternately comforting and terrifying.

_You couldn’t kill your father._

_You’ll never be a true Dark Side warrior._

_You’ll never be as strong as Darth Vader_.

He’s never known much about his grandfather and talking to his mask, a burned-out husk of a thing that he found his uncle had buried among his personal effects at the academy never revealed anything. He’s always hoped he’s appear, has heard about Force ghosts, but he’s never shown himself.

_Sith can’t be Force ghosts_ , his uncle had said once, but there was something there behind the statement, something in his eyes, that spoke to another story.

“Grandfather,” he whispers.

He still doesn’t know him.

“What if I’ve been wrong?”

_“Wrong?”_ _The voice comes like a nightmare in the middle of his frantic reaching out in the Force. “You_ are _wrong. You are an abomination.”_

_He feels the tendrils creeping around him, wrapping around his arms, his legs, his_ throat _._

_“Kylo Ren.” His name, his_ other _name, comes on a rasp of air. “Always had too much of your father in you.”_

_“No,” he hears himself say as he falls to his knees. “No, I killed him…”_

_The laughter comes from all around, nails scraping the inside of his mind. “You did nothing of the sort, young Solo.”_

_It rises up inside him, lightning tracing along his veins, wrapping around his throat, his heart, wrapping tight around him as he writhes beneath its ministrations._

_A memory._

_He doesn’t know._

_Fear and terror and the feeling of his own erratic heartbeat in his ears._

_And then silence. “I’m coming for you, Kylo Ren….”_

He sits up with a gasp. He doesn’t remember falling asleep, but he’s slumped in one of the chairs, sweat beading his brow.

_Snoke_.

And then he’s rushing from the room. He needs to warn them. They’re not safe. Snoke will hunt them to the far reaches of the galaxy. He will find them no matter where they hide.

He almost runs into Rey when he steps outside his cabin. It’s becoming almost habit now, finding each other frantic and terrified in the middle of the night. “Snoke’s coming for us,” he gasps out before he can stop himself. His hands clench in the air, trying to reach for something, hold onto something.

Anything.

“He can’t…”

“He _can_ ,” Kylo cuts her off with. “And he will.” His hands start to drop to his side, clench into fists. Rey grabs him by his forearms.

_Sands closing in._

_A face, alien and strange._

_Laughter, high-pitched._

_“You can’t hide her from me.”_

_White-hot Force lightning._

_The feeling of ants crawling through the nerves of his mind, livewires touching each other._

He sees the moment it all goes from him to _her_ and he can’t stop it, can’t pull it back into himself. Whatever bond there is between them flies open and _Snoke_ gets through, clawing his way out of Kylo’s mind and into hers, following the same conduits he had built when he tore into her mind and she fought back during the interrogation.

“Kylo –“ she starts to say and then her eyes roll back in her head and her knees buckle. He does it without thinking, dropping an arm below her and catching her before she can hit the floor.

The laughter fades to nothing and the walls solidify around him.

He’s left standing in the middle of the hall of the Falcon, clasping Rey tightly to his chest.

“What did you do to her?” The words come from behind him and he whirls. Her head rolls against his chest and he gathers her just a little bit closer.

“I –“ He shakes his head before any words can come out, turning and walking to her cabin. He can sense his uncle trailing behind him and he’d sigh if he weren’t so on edge. He’s _connected_ to her and he has no idea how or why or what the kriffing hell to do about it.

He sets her down on the bed in her quarters, perhaps more gently than one might expect. Certainly more gently than he had planned to. She’s frustrating, alternately curious and cross with him. His shoulder still smarts from where she hit him with his own grandfather’s kriffing lightsaber.

When he turns back to the door, Luke is standing there, his father somewhere behind him in the hallway. “I’m going to meditate,” Kylo mutters and tries to shove past the two of them.

Luke stops him with a hand on his shoulder and it takes every ounce of patience Kylo has to _not_ punch him. His hand certainly clenches into a fist and his eyes narrow on him. “Not yet you aren’t.” And there’s that Master Jedi voice, the one that he heard so often at the Academy. “What did you do to her?”

He cringes, memories just below the surface. Freeing his shoulder from Luke’s light grasp, he does finally move past him, using his height and stronger body to his advantage.  Luke lets him go this time and he gets a few feet away before he spins to face him.

“I don’t _know_ ,” he says, throwing his arms wide. “I don’t know _what_ I did.” And there’s the truth of it. His voice quavers slightly on the end and he clenches his jaw, narrows his eyes. With one stride he’s back facing his uncle. “I interrogated her.”

Luke says nothing, just crosses his arms over his chest, and waits. He’s always so kriffing good at waiting. That’s something that always managed to just get right under Kylo’s skin. He’s impatient, wants answers _now_ , and his uncle just _waits_. He was never able to learn that sort of patience.

“You don’t know what they’re like,” he mutters. “What the First Order is like. What _Snoke_ is like.”

“I know what Snoke is like.” The words are soft.

“Do you?” There’s a sneer behind Kylo’s words. “Do you really? I don’t think you do. You can’t _imagine_ the horrors he inflicts on people.”

“You were protecting her,” Luke says, his head cocked slightly to the side.

“I…” Was he? Maybe he was, taking her to the ship himself, making sure no one touched her before he could do the interrogation himself. “Maybe?” he finally concedes.

Luke says nothing to that.

Han finally intercedes. “Maybe we should all go sit down?”

Kylo meets Luke’s eyes for just a moment and then finally nods. They retreat to the lounge area and Kylo sits, staring at the blank holoboard where he’d played so many games of Dejarik against Chewbacca when he was younger. Before…well, before _everything_.

“So care to elaborate?” Luke finally says. His father stays blessedly silent, but he can see the way his face looks just a little bit ashen. He’s never been comfortable with the Force, preferring to let his mother or uncle deal with his wayward son with the abilities he could never understand.

“Have you ever…” Kylo takes a deep breath. Talking about the dark side of the Force with his uncle is not something he wants to do. But he also doesn’t know who else to go to. There’s _no one_. And while he’d rather toss his uncle out the nearest airlock, he knows that if he’s going to understand this, he needs to talk to him. It’s not easy and he crosses his arms over his chest, crosses and uncrosses his too long legs, and finally just sighs. “Have you ever gotten into someone’s head? Accessed their memories?”

“Of course not,” Luke says quickly. Too quickly, really.

“It’s not the worst thing,” Kylo shoots back with. “You’ve used mind control before.”

“I have.”

“Then…”

“How is it different? Do you really have to ask that?”

“I knew you wouldn’t understand!” Kylo explodes with and then cringes. _Kriffing Luke Skywalker_.

Luke shakes his head and he deflates a little at the sad look in his faded eyes. “If you really need me to tell you the difference, then you learned nothing from me.”

“I didn’t learn anything from you, except –” Here he cuts off, glancing at his father for a moment. He doesn’t know why he stays quiet, why he keeps this from everyone. He should feel vindicated, should want to tell them all how the great Luke Skywalker almost murdered him in his sleep. But something holds him back. “We were looking for you,” he says instead. “There was a map and she’d seen it. We needed it…”

“Snoke needed it, you mean,” Luke interrupts with, and Kylo feels himself flush a little. Nothing he ever did was of his own accord, not his whole life. The first decision he felt he’d really made on his own had brought him _here_. And so he nods.

Snoke wanted it.

He wanted Skywalker wiped from the galaxy, dead and buried on some remote backwater planet. _People without hope are easy to manipulate, my apprentice_. _Take it all away and they’ll give you anything they want, just to get by._

“I went as gentle as I could. I didn’t want to hurt her.” He adds the last as if it would make up for any of his myriad of misdeeds. He thinks of Rey standing over him, fire in her eyes and a lightsaber she’d never used before raised high above her. She was…glorious…for wont of a better word.

“Yet you did.”

“No,” he says quickly. “It wasn’t…” He runs his hands through his hair, feels one of his eyes twitch. “It wasn’t like that.” He takes a couple breaths. He’s not even sure he wants to tell them _anything_ much less what happened there. He still feels the embarrassment of going to Snoke with it and worse…the embarrassment of knowing he’d let her escape. “Something went wrong. It never had before. Not with Poe…” His uncle raises and eyebrow and Kylo shrugs. He doesn’t much care one way or another about the likes of Poe Dameron. “She pushed back. And then she was _there_. She ripped through my mind with a fury I’d never felt before, and she got right to…” His voice trails off.

He doesn’t know what to say.

She laid all his fears bare, right there in front of them, pulled them out and threw them back at him. _You’re afraid…that you’ll never be as strong as Darth Vader._

Kylo shakes his head, trying to bring himself back to the present. His emotions are still such a jumble and he’s not sure what he feels…for his father, for his uncle, for _her_. “She found out my greatest fear. And she threw it back in my face.”

His uncle contemplates that for a moment and then levels troubled eyes on him. “You didn’t know she had the Force.”

“How could I have?” The words sound bitter, coming from him. There had been something there, some sense of _her_ right from the beginning. He should have recognized it for what it was, but he’d been so blinded by Snoke and hatred for his uncle that he hadn’t looked closer at just who that scavenger was.

The Force.

It’s so obvious now.

His uncle says nothing and he supposes there’s small mercies in that. “There’s more,” Kylo finally manages to get out.

“Now we’re getting to the crux of it,” Luke responds with.

“I hear her thoughts. Not always,” he says quickly and raises a hand. “But sometimes, when her emotions are strong. And I seem to be able to communicate with her. Somehow.”

Luke leans forward at this and his eyebrows are drawn low. “Go on…”

“The first night we were on base, I needed to escape. I ended up on a hill a good distance from the base where I could practice forms. Yes uncle,” he says, and he can’t stop a bit of wry amusement from creeping into his voice. “I still practice forms. I was alone. Everyone was asleep. But then _she_ was there. I almost hit her with my lightsaber as I swung it around. We talked. For just a moment. And when I blinked, she was gone again.”

Luke watches him for another moment and then leans back in his seat. “She was there,” he says.

“Yes. And she can’t have been a Force projection…”

“That could have killed her,” Luke finishes with.

“Yes.” He’s heard of it, knows it’s possible.

“She’s strong with the Force,” Kylo says and hears himself say the same thing to Snoke in a memory, an echo somewhere deep inside his mind. “She needs to be trained.”

Luke cocks his head slightly to the side. “And you think you should teach her.”

“ _You_ won’t,” Kylo fires back with.

Luke crosses his arms over his chest and then finally stands. “I need to do research.”

“Do you know what this is?” Kylo hates the way he sounds almost desperate. He wants her out of his head, wants to be out of _her_ head. This connection between them cannot be a good thing. If only she hadn’t pushed back. If she had just been like _everyone else_ this wouldn’t have happened. The heat of his rage starts to bubble up inside him.

“I may,” Luke hedges, and Kylo turns and hits a wall.

Luke regards him calmly. _There is no passion, there is serenity_. He never did learn that particular tenet. “I’m going to check on Rey and then I need to do some research.” He raises a hand before Kylo can explode with anything else. “All in good time, my errant nephew.”

And then he’s gone, and Kylo is left alone with his father. Han is watching him with the same rueful grin he’s seen on his face so many times before. “You really stepped in it this time, didn’t you son?”

Kylo feels himself deflate. “I…may have,” he concedes.

“You just be careful with her. She’s a good kid.” He turns and walks away then and Ben _almost_ says something. But what can he say?

_I was a good kid once, too._

_Any of us can fall_.

And Rey has anger and passion in spades. She’s closer to falling than any of them would like to admit.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of response to all your lovely comments on the last chapter. I've been hard at work on getting further in this story and writing my RFFA fic and haven't gotten around to replying. But know that I've read them all and they all make me so happy. You guys are the best! <3

When she comes to, she has a raging headache and a lot of questions. She rolls over and groans and then lets out a little yelp.

“I didn’t mean to startle you,” Luke says, closing and setting down the ancient-looking tome that he was holding.

She blinks once, twice. “Interesting reading?”

“Hmm,” he says in answer. “How are you feeling?”

_I’m coming for you…_

She shivers as the voice echoes through her mind. _Snoke_. “I…I’m not sure.” Her head is pounding and her mouth feels like she’s been eating the sands of Jakku. But she’s in one piece, at least. “How did I get here?”

“Ben.” The look he’s giving her is not one she can quite define. “He caught you when you fainted.”

“Kylo carried me here?”

“You still call him Kylo?”

She blinks once, twice, and then finally looks away from the piercing look he’s giving her. “He’ll always be Kylo Ren to me.”

“And yet he’s here.”

“He is,” she concedes. “But that doesn’t erase everything he’s done…does it?”

Luke shakes his head. “Of course not.”

Rey takes a deep breath and blows it out. “His father seems to think it does.” She doesn’t mean to sound so cross and she reaches up to rub at her temples. Luke leans forward and touches a hand to her forehead, and she’s surprised to feel a sort of soothing warmth run through her head, down her neck, and across her shoulders.

She lets out another breath. “That was…”

“Force healing,” he murmurs.

“You’ve opened yourself back up.”

“It seemed appropriate,” he says with a shrug. “Can you sense me?”

She closes her eyes, not even sure what she’s supposed to be looking for, what she’s supposed to be feeling. “No.” And she’s sure he feels disappointed at that. She can’t feel it, but she can see it written in the lines of his face.

“But you can sense Kylo Ren,” he follows up with, and she sucks in a breath.

He’s quiet now, but she can feel that simmering rage just a little beyond her grasp. She knows if she falls asleep, he’ll be _right there_ and she can’t stop him. She hears his thoughts in her head and…

_You’re broadcasting again_.

“Yes,” she says on a gasp. “Yes I can.”

“He was here,” Luke says, reaching out to grasp one of her hands as he looks in her eyes. “Right now? Wasn’t he?”

“You could feel him?”

He drops her hand.

“What does this mean?” she whispers. “What is happening to me?”

“To both of you, you mean,” Luke responds with. “Ben is just as confused as you are.”

She nods.

“I have some idea.” He taps the book that’s now sitting on his lip. “But the book only hints at what I fear is going on. I need to do more research. Access the texts and holochrons that might pertain to this.”

“This, being?” She doesn’t like the way he’s moving the conversation around whatever this thing is. He’s hiding something, and she knows that means it’s something _terrible_.

Luke stands then. “Like I said, I don’t know yet.” He stops near the door, letting it slide open. She squints as the brighter light of the hallway invades her sanctuary. “Get some more rest, Rey. We’ll be there soon and I doubt you’ll be allowed to sleep for awhile once we arrive.”

_Because you came back with Luke,_ she realizes, watching as the door slides noiselessly shut behind him. She’s coming home with the hero of the Rebellion, the hope of their Resistance.

_You’ve cemented yourself into their good graces_.

She’s not sure if the voice in her head is hers or Kylo’s, but she’s not sure it matters either way. She curls back onto her bunk, wrapping herself tightly in the thin blanket there. She’ll cross that bridge when she comes to it.

* * *

The rest of the trip back is uneventful and Rey is thankful for that much at least. No nightmares, no strange thoughts in her head. Kylo avoids her. He avoids his uncle and his father and even Chewbacca. She’s almost sure he’s hiding, especially as Luke gives him this strange, almost knowing look whenever he briefly appears.

She’s seen the color high on his cheeks as he turns and walks away.

Luke has been researching, flipping through the ancient tomes he’s brought with him. She hears him mutter sometimes when they’re all sitting in the lounge or the cockpit. She can’t make out the words.

Sometimes she wishes she had any idea what it was he was finding.

Sometimes she’s glad she doesn’t know.

They arrive back safely, no sign of the First Order, no sign of Snoke trying to beat down the walls around her mind. There’s a large group of the upper echelon of the Resistance there to meet the Falcon when it lands. Leia, of course, is at the head. But Poe, Finn, the Tico sisters, and others. They’re all waiting with baited breath as the ramp opens.

A cheer goes up when they see Luke, and Rey watches Leia, who looks both relieved and maybe a little bit annoyed at the same time. Luke approaches her and Leia offers him a hesitant smile as she reaches up to touch his shoulder.

“You changed your hair,” he says with a soft smile.

She lets out a small huff of laughter and touches his unkempt beard. “Looks like you need a shave.”

“Probably a haircut, too,” Luke concedes. There’s affection and kindness there, even if she hears a little bit of exasperation behind the words. She watches them with a sad smile as they walk off. She wonders if she’ll ever feel like she has family like that, if there’s someone who missed her when she was gone, who could point out a change in her hairstyle and she’d just _know_ it was meant with all the love and affection a brother or sister could have.

As she takes a step forward, she feels her knee buckle slightly, and she’s surprised to feel a hand grasp her around the upper arm. She stiffens at the contact, turning to look at Kylo. She hadn’t even heard him come up behind her, but he’s there, reaching out to catch her before she even realized she was falling. She doesn’t know how he does it and for a moment their eyes meet and she feels something trace down her spine.

He mumbles something she can’t quite catch and releases her a mere second later.

“At least some of what I taught him is still there,” she hears Han mutter.

“Rey!”

“Finn,” she says and is surprised at just how much relief she feels at seeing him. Poe is hot on his heels, looking as dashing as ever. He still sets her on edge. _Torture buddies, indeed_. Both men stop and she realizes they’re not looking at _her_ , but at Kylo. Finn’s eyes are narrowed and Poe is watching with a rather carefully neutral expression.

“Come on,” Poe says at last. “Let’s get you back to your quarters.”

“I’m not an invalid,” she shoots back and steps forward. On her own. She doesn’t need Poe to help her. She doesn’t need Kylo, either, though he shoots her a look that is entirely unreadable at that moment. Rey relies on Rey. That’s how it’s always been.

But then she looks at Luke and Leia as they walk off arm-in-arm. She sees Finn clap Poe on the back as they good naturedly rib each other. She sees Rose and Paige and their obvious devotion to each other in an uncertain world.

Who does she have?

Herself.

And some weird connection to enemy turned…turned?...she’s not even sure. He’s no longer an enemy. But he’s not quite a friend, either.

_You’re staring_ , comes the voice in her head, and she snarls something incoherent at him and walks off. Sometimes it’s certainly easier to _not think_ about him. So instead she follows Finn, who turns back toward Kylo for a moment.

She can’t hear the words that come from him, but she sees Kylo flinch and his cheeks turn just a little bit red, and then he turns on his heel and stomps back into the Falcon.

And Rey has no time to contemplate just what exactly Finn might have said to cause such a reaction because he and Poe are dragging her off with them, mutterings of parties and the hope of the Resistance and questions of _what is he like_ coming from all sides of her.

She can think more on Kylo later, more on whatever it is Luke is digging for about this strange connection between them. For now, she needs to let it all go and so smiles at her friends as she follows them out of the hangar.

* * *

The party is in full swing. She doesn’t know where they got alcohol. She’s not sure where they got the music, but all she knows is the Resistance _needs_ this moment. They need to feel a bit of hope, like there’s a chance that they can defeat the First Order.

Even if she knows it’s mostly hopeless.

They have only have a handful of people, a large handful to be sure, but still, there aren’t more than 300 or so of them, a rag-tag group of survivors who have banded together for the betterment of them all. They have Luke Skywalker now, despite the desperate attempts of Snoke and the First Order and _Kylo Ren_ to stop it.

But still, _hope_ is alive for the Resistance, even if that hope is all they have.

What they don’t have are ships and the support of planets with large militaries who can throw their might behind them.

What they don’t have is more than _one_ trained Jedi, two if theycount Kylo Ren, who was at least trained in the way of the Jedi and has a frightening command of the Force.

Three, if they count _her_ , with her complete lack of understanding of what many consider a _gift_ and her ability to bluster her way through just about anything. She’s a nothing, and yet in this world of the Resistance, she carries at least a little of their hope on her shoulders.

She’s been standing on the fringes of the party, watching Poe dance with Rose. And with Paige. And even with Finn. Once or twice they’ve come and tried to get her to dance but she throws her hands up in protest and they leave her alone with a laugh as they race back into the fray.

There are too many people

Too much sound.

Just… _too much_.

She escapes out the side door into the darkness of the base beyond and no one notices, something she is most definitely thankful for. She doesn’t need conversations, doesn’t need explanations and drunken comments about her having the _Force_.

Not this night.

She finds herself, at long last, sitting on a boulder some distance from the base. It’s maybe not the safest place for her to be. She’s keeps hearing about the beasts that roam the forests, though she’s yet to see them. But she has the lightsaber. Anakin Skywalker’s. Darth Vader’s. _His_ lightsaber, that called to her in the dark recesses of Maz’s castle.

She shudders at the visions. Being left, Unkar Plutt, all those dark shadowy figures that looked exactly like Kylo Ren. A whole group of Kylo Rens. But then _him_. She doesn’t know how she knows, but she does. The one who approached her was Kylo Ren himself. Taller than the rest, broader, there was something _there_ in that moment. She doesn’t know if the visions were past or future or something not quite set in stone, but the fact that _he_ killed one of the others that looked just like him to save her, had to mean _something_.

_Were there others? Or was he killing himself in order to save her?_

The image has been at the back of her mind since she first stumbled back from the vision, but it’s plagued her thoughts at odd moments

“Technically, that lightsaber is mine.” The voice startles her out of her reverie and she comes damned near close to falling off the boulder she’s perched on.

All she can see of him in the darkness in his pale face. The black of his hair and the dark clothes he’s donned for the evening blend into the forest around him. She glances down at the lightsaber that she’s still clutching. It feels heavy in her hands, the weight of its history, its lineage, perhaps even more than just the weight of the metals and wires that make up the hilt.

She thumbs it on for a moment and is torn between feeling chagrined or amused when Kylo takes a step back. She turns it back off and for a moment she can see nothing but the blue of the blade in the darkness around them. “I’m not going to kill you,” she mutters. “ _This_ time, at least.”

And then she turns it over, offering it to him in one fluid motion.

He glances down at it, before looking back up at her and pushing the lightsaber back at her. “Keep it,” he says, his voice quiet. “For now.”

She takes a deep breath, still remembering the feel of it in her hands, the clash of it against Kylo’s, the power and the feeling of that mysterious thing they call the Force flowing through her. “I don’t think I want it,” she admits. This isn’t something she wanted to be a part of. She can’t say she was _content_ sitting on Jakku, waiting for her parents to come back, slaving away for the likes of Unkar Plutt. But she also doesn’t want to be a Jedi, doesn’t want the responsibility that she sees weighing down Luke Skywalker’s shoulders. _Go back to Jakku_ , she thinks. Her AT-AT will no doubt still be there. Probably picked clean of anything others could dig out of it. But still _there_. It was hers. The only thing that was hers in an uncertain world.

But Maz’s words keep echoing in her head. _The belonging you seek is not beyond you…but ahead_. And the lightsaber called to her. Even now, it feels _right_ in her hand.

“You need a teacher,” Kylo says, and she’s ripped from her thoughts, from her memories.

“Excuse me?” She can’t have heard him right.

But then Kylo clenches his jaw and his eyes close for a moment and he almost looks like he’s centering himself. A wave of something… _embarrassment_ …rushes over her. _Only strong emotions_ …was it his? _Yes_ , she realizes. Yes, it must be.

“You need someone to show you the ways of the Force.” And his voice is stronger, more insistent. He leans forward and one of his hands comes out, for just a moment, hovering there in the air near where her hand holds the lightsaber.

Would he dare touch her? No. She can’t imagine Kylo Ren reaching out to her in such a way. And then his hand returns to his side and she starts to wonder if he had ever really considered it, if maybe her mind was playing tricks on her.

“Luke could,” she says on a shrug.

Kylo scoffs. “Luke is a tired old man.”

She opens her mouth to defend him, but nothing quite comes out. Luke cut himself off from the Force, lived like a hermit for these many years. She can see the exhaustion in his eyes as he talks about the Force, about researching it. She can see the way he watches his nephew with a sad look in his eyes, can see the way the darkness that surrounds Kylo affects him.

He wasn’t what she expected. On their trip out to fetch him, she had wondered and imagined far too much. The great Luke Skywalker. She’d seen him on the holos, seen the pictures and the videos, and heard the Resistance speak of him as if he were some sort of deity.

But he’s a man.

Just a tired man with a sadness in his eyes that cuts to the bone.

“You know I’m right,” Kylo says and his voice is strangely quiet.

“I…” Her voice trails off. What can she say?  “And I suppose _you_ could teach me?” she finally gets out.

He says nothing for a moment and she turns to look at him. Not for the first time she’s struck by the dark intensity of his gaze. In the near darkness of the woods around them, she can see little more than dark eyes in a pale face, but she feels herself heat slightly under his gaze.

“I could.” And he sounds almost smug. It shouldn’t surprise her really, and yet her impression of Kylo Ren these last few days is not one of confidence and smugness. No, it’s been of a fear so strong she can almost taste it and a deep darkness that clings to him. He may dress in the trappings of the Resistance, but beneath it all still beats a heart full of the Dark Side and steeped in the teachings of Snoke.

She shudders. “Why?” she blurts out. “Why would you want to teach me?”

He shrugs and looks away from her, one of his hands settling on the boulder at her side, tracing patterns in the dirt with one long finger. “You’re strong in the Force,” he says by way of explanation.

“I can’t be the only one who is.”

He shrugs, a somewhat inelegant motion of his broad shoulders. “There aren’t many who have as much innate strength as you do.”

“You,” she says in answer.

“Yes,” he answers with and there’s that bit of arrogance drifting somewhere behind the word again. She watches him continue to make patterns in the dirt. She doesn’t know if they mean anything, if they’re runes of some sort, something from a Jedi ritual. It’s mesmerizing really. His hands are strong with long, wide fingers and watching them makes something in her stomach clench a little.

She stands then, jumping down off the boulder, lightsaber still clutched in her hand. “I’m not interested.”

And then he does reach out to touch her, his hand coming in brief contact with her shoulder as she passes. She shivers as there’s a spark of _something_ there and for a moment she can almost hear his thoughts.

Almost.

But they drift away before she can focus on them.

“Just think about it, Rey,” he says and then she’s gone, leaving him to keep making his trails in the dirt while she rushes away from whatever that spark was.

* * *

He watches her go and is surprised to realize her Force signature doesn’t diminish the further away from him she gets. She shines so bright, _so damned bright_ , in the Force that he finds himself continually drawn to her. He can’t stay away. Even if he wanted to.

If he’s honest with himself, and Kylo usually isn’t, he had felt it the moment he set foot on Jakku. There had been _something_ there and he knows it wasn’t just some droid carrying the map to his hermit uncle. He had never been sure, really, if he _wanted_ to find Luke. That was all on Snoke. Get to him before the Resistance, take away their last bit of hope. But he knows that’s not true, not now. Because he sees that hope residing in _her_ , the scavenger.

_Rey_.

Her name still feels strange on his tongue, yet he finds he wants to say it _again_. Standing out there, watching her sit on that boulder and dismiss his offer without even so much as a by your leave _bothers_ him.

And he doesn’t know why.

No, he _does_. But he doesn’t want to delve into that, into the way she looked while wielding his grandfather’s lightsaber. Fierce and beautiful and terrible at the same time, as she had clashed with him.

And won.

He still doesn’t know if he let her or if he just couldn’t _stop_ her. Her anger had been a thing of beauty and he felt whatever it was between them race through him as their lightsabers had clashed.

She _does_ need a teacher.

And he’ll wait. She’ll come to him eventually. He knows this, because there’s something there between them even if she doesn’t recognize it and he doesn’t want to admit it to even himself, except in the darkest moments of the night. Shared dreams, shared nightmares, shared emotions. He feels his heart rate increase even contemplating it.

With a sigh, he runs his hands through his hair, brushing the locks back for a moment before letting them fall over his ears again. He has no idea what he’s going to do with these thoughts, no idea what he’s going to do with _her_.

But he’ll wait. Wait and hope that there will be some answer that will come to him in time.


	12. Chapter 12

It’s the next day when Luke finds her. She’s made her way to the training room and is sitting off in one corner contemplating the lightsaber that has been left in her care.

Kylo didn’t want it back.

She knows of his feelings, his _obsession_ , with his grandfather. She doesn’t know what it means for him to leave the relic with _her_. But there had been something in his voice and eyes the previous night when he told her to keep it.

_Keep it_.

She never _wanted_ it.

She wanted to stay on Jakku until her family came to find her. She wanted to be left alone to scavenge and live her life out in her AT-AT. And then everything changed.

Kylo Ren came for her.

And she left with his father to escape his search for BB-8, only to find her way _back_ to him. It must mean something. She’s sure of it, can just barely feel it on the edge of her mind, brushing against her emotions. Everything comes back to him.

And she doesn’t know when she first realized he was the creature she’d seen in her dreams and nightmares for all those years. This dark, shadowy masked thing that lurked in the corners and occasionally came out to challenge her. She doesn’t know when she realized that those moments might be _real_.

Have they always been connected?

But… _how_?

“My lightsaber, huh?”

The voice startles her and she lets out a small gasp before looking up to see Luke Skywalker standing in the doorway.

“Kylo said the same thing.”

He takes a step into the room. He looks a little less careworn this day. His beard is trimmed and his hair cut shorter. He looks less the hermit and more the Jedi master she had expected to find on Ahch-To.

Luke shrugs. “How did you find it?” He waves one hand at the lightsaber.

She takes a deep breath. _How much do you tell him?_ She can feel him in the Force now, this gentle wave buffeting her as she makes the decision to tell him the reality.

_She can hear it. A sort of hum underneath the sounds of the cantina above her. As she walks away, down silent hallways, it becomes louder._

_Until she finds it._

_A chest._

_A metal tube inside it._

_Pick me up, it seems to say. And she cannot resist, putting her hand on it._

_And then a dizzying array of scenes._

_A ship that tilts wildly around her._

_Her parents, leaving her._

_Unkar Plutt._

_“We’ll return…”_

_Voices in the air and a snowy forest. She runs then, hunted. She can feel something close behind her._

_And then him._

_Kylo Ren._

“The Knights of Ren,” Luke says when she finishes her story. “I haven’t heard about them in some time.”

“Who are they?”

Luke doesn’t speak for a moment, but then finally runs his hands over his forehead and through his hair in a gesture that’s startlingly similar to his nephew’s. “We’ve never been sure, exactly. I always suspected they were…” Here he pauses and looks even more troubled. “Students,” he finally says. “Some of my former students. I heard Ben had taken some of them with him.”

“What _did_ happen with all of that?”

“With what?” Luke asks and she somehow _knows_ that he’s feigning ignorance.

“At your temple. With Kylo…Ben…” She lets out a huff of annoyance. “What did he mean back there on Ahch-to?”

“He hasn’t spoken of it?” Luke asks.

“To me? No. Why would he?”

Luke’s eyebrows rise. “I thought there…” His voice trails off. “But there’s not, is there?”

“What are you talking about?”

“It’s strong in you, you know,” he says instead. Conversationally, as if there wasn’t something brimming just beneath the surface, just waiting for someone to bring it to the light of day. “The Force.”

“You’re not the first person to tell me that,” she admits. _You’re strong in the Force._

“Ben.”

“Yes.” She finds no reason to hide their conversation from the night before.

“He would know,” Luke mutters. “I’m still researching,” he says a bit louder.

“Please,” Rey says on a huff of air. “I need to know. _Something_ happened there, with you. With him. It had to have.”

“It’s his story to tell…”

“It’s _not_.” Rey doesn’t mean her voice to be quite so strident. Luke says nothing and she jumps up, paces around him. “It’s your story too. It must be or else you wouldn’t be hiding out on that planet and you wouldn’t have cut yourself off from the Force.”

“That’s probably true.” Luke’s voice is quiet and she finds it just plain _annoying_ for some reason.

“Then why won’t anyone speak of what happened there?”

Luke just shakes his head. “Ask Ben.”

“I will,” she tosses back at him.

He’s silent for a moment and then offers a sad smile. “You’re going to have to learn to control some of that passion if you wish to be a Jedi.”

She glances down at the lightsaber she’s still holding. She’s offered it to Luke, to Kylo. No one wants the kriffing thing. “Who says I want to be a Jedi?”

“A Sith, then?”

“Is that what Kylo is?”

“Not quite,” Luke admits.

“Is there no path open that’s not one or the other?” She doesn’t really want _any_ of it, if she’s going to be honest, doesn’t want to be Jedi or Sith or anything to do with the Force. She’s just Rey.

_You’re not just anything_.

She’s not even sure whose thought it is. Hers, _his_. But there’s a truth there she wants to ignore.

Luke shakes his head. “There may be,” he hedges.

“May?”

“I need to…”

“Do more research,” she finishes with him. “Is that all being a Jedi is?”

He shrugs. “Maybe it’s all being a Jedi is for me. My fighting days are long behind me.”

She stands then, cocks her head to the side. “Are they? You’re _here_ , aren’t you?”

“I didn’t want to be.”

“But you are,” she points out. “You weren’t going to, but you changed your mind about coming with us when you found out Kylo had come back.” And she doesn’t know what that means. It’s important, she knows. Everything connects back to him. The dark son who destroyed Luke’s temple, who destroyed his mother’s dreams and seemingly destroyed his parent’s marriage. He’s the lynchpin here, the one everything revolves around.

_Even you_ …

When Luke doesn’t respond, Rey gives him a sad smile. “If you find out more about this grey area between Jedi and Sith, come find me.”

And she walks off.

Luke says nothing, but she can hear him shift behind her, can hear him offer up a small sigh. When she glances back just before she leaves the room, he’s sitting cross-legged on the mat, eyes closed and face strangely peaceful.

* * *

She feels the scream more than hears it and her eyes fly open.

_What?_

She’s not in her room. Her eyes flit left, right. No, definitely not her room. It has the same general shape, the same basic furniture. But it’s backwards, and the few personal effects sitting on the table near the bed are not hers.

It’s quiet there, almost too quiet. And there’s some sort of strange low humming noise that vibrates within her ear drums. She shakes her head, trying to dislodge it. And that’s when she sees him.

He’s twisted into the sheets, only one arm and shoulder out of them. His hair is sweat-slicked and plastered to the sides of his head, his overly large ears sticking out of the messy locks. His hand clenches into a fist and unclenches. Over and over.

The cords on his neck stand out.

The shoulder she can see is stiff and the arm below it locked tight. She tries not to notice that he is, once again, not wearing a shirt, and she can see the way those muscles bunch beneath the expanse of pale skin that’s revealed.

“No,” she hears him mutter. She’s almost sure he can see her, but no, his eyes are screwed shut, his mouth open in a silent scream.

Then he shouts again.

_No. No. Noooo…_

She doesn’t know if this real or if it’s a dream.

Is this her _own_ nightmare? She tries to wake herself up, pinching her arm and waiting for the scene to change around her.

It doesn’t.

She feels the slight pinch and starts to wonder if she is really _there_ , watching him. It makes no sense, but nothing does when it comes to Kylo Ren.

He shouts again, high-pitched and terrible, and his back arches off the bed. And she _feels_ it this time, like lightening tracing along her skin. A phantom pain, to be sure. It’s not hers. She can see the way his skin almost ripples beneath whatever nightmare he is trapped in.

Whatever nightmare _they_ are trapped in.

“Kylo,” she whispers.

His eyes fly open and he turns to look at her. His lips part, his eyes go wide.

She’s flung back into her own room, coming to with a gasp as the sounds around her return. She can hear the hum of the generator keeping the base going, the beeps of the computers, can feel the thrum of the electricity flowing through the walls.

She takes a deep breath.

_What did she just witness?_

She can’t have been there. In his room. With _him_. As if by magic. _The Force_ , she realizes. It’s…connecting them somehow. There’s no other explanation. They’ve been inside each other’s heads and she doesn’t know what that can _do_ to a person.

She’d really like to _not_ find out, if she’s honest with herself. And yet at the same time, she is intensely curious about the whole thing.

* * *

It’s becoming habit, almost, creeping down the hallways in the middle of the night. The rest of the base sleeps on, a few guards positioned haphazardly here and there. They wave at her as she passes and she gives them a sheepish grin.

Everyone knows the weird orphan girl from Jakku who likes to go outside into the terrifying forest around the base, who seems to not be able to sleep a full night through.

They’ve heard rumors, of course, that she’s one of _them_ , a Force sensitive. They’ve seen her talking to Luke, seen her talking to Kylo Ren. But except for a few people, no one knows her and so they cannot figure her out. Most people leave her alone. Or watch her with curious stares. She’s almost used to it by now… _almost_.

She doesn’t like being cooped up. It makes her feel like an animal, caged and watched and _studied_. Being outside, away from people, that makes sense. It’s like all her years spent in her AT-AT, only her own thoughts for company.

She cuts through the edges of the forest, only going as close as she needs to follow the path that runs alongside it. She skirts around and makes her way back to the beach she’d found the night of the party. Quiet and peaceful and set just far enough away from the base that she feels free of it all for a time.

And that’s where she finds him.

She doesn’t know how he beat her there. She doesn’t know why he’s _there_ , on her beach. But he sits on the boulder she’d found, a nice large flat-topped thing that while not _comfortable_ is at least a place to rest that’s not the grittiness of the sand below.

The sand feels familiar at least, her feet easily finding the rhythm to walking on it, falling back into the ease of the desert-dwelling scavenger rat she’d always been.

He sits cross-legged on the boulder, eyes closed, and he looks almost at peace. Except the furrow between his brows, the lines at the edges of his mouth. He doesn’t hear her approach until she’s almost upon him. When she clears her throat, his eyes drift open and flit over to her briefly. “Scavenger,” he murmurs, but there’s none of the ire behind the word. It almost sounds… _affectionate_.

“Kylo,” she responds with. She has no such dark nickname for him. His name, or at least his chosen name, will have to do. And then – “What was that? Back there?”

He turns then to face her, his lips slightly parted. “You don’t beat around the bush, do you?”

“Was I actually there? In your quarters?” Her voice breaks slightly on the last word.

He doesn’t respond for a moment and she watches the play of emotions over his face, the way his lips clamp together. His jaw clenches, his eyes close tight and then open again. “Yes,” he finally says. “Yes I think you were.”

“Like I was on the hillside.”

He glances up at the hill where she had once seen him practicing his lightsaber moves. “I thought you said you walked up that hill.”

“You know I didn’t,” she shoots back with, and then takes a deep breath. And another. “What is happening?”

He shrugs. “Ask Luke.”

“So you don’t know.”

“I…” he started to say. “I’m not sure.”

“You must have an idea!” She can appear in his room, appear where he is. She realizes that she first experienced it when he stood upon the bridge on Starkiller, contemplating killing his own father. She’d _been there_. And then she was back above them, as if by some sort of magic.

“I have some,” he says. She waits for him to go on, but he says nothing more.

With a sigh, she walks around the boulder, watching him. He watches her too, his dark eyes following her every move. She comes to sit on the boulder, imitating his cross-legged pose.

“Have you ever meditated?” he asks and there’s nothing more than curiosity in the question.

“Do you really think I had time for such things while living on Jakku?” She pauses there, but doesn’t give him a chance to go on. “I know you think it’s some sort of joke or something, that I was a scavenger on Jakku. But it’s _not_. I didn’t get to indulge in meditation and playing around with rocks or whatever it is you Jedi kids do. I had to _survive_. That’s the only thing I’m good at, Kylo. Surviving by repairing the broken things of our world and hoping they’re worth something.”

He doesn’t say anything. His hands remain limp in his lap and he watches her with hooded eyes.

“That’s the most you’ve said to me at one time, I think,” he says almost thoughtfully.

“ _That_ is what you get out of that?”

He shrugs. “I’m not sure what you want me to say.”

“Nothing.” She can’t help the note of bitterness that creeps into her voice. He’s had _everything_. The kid of heroes, raised in some Jedi Academy where he got to learn all about his powers at a young age, learned to harness them and use them, supposedly, for the good of the galaxy.

He says nothing else for a moment. “Would you like to learn?” She almost says something, but he raises a hand up. “I know. But you’re not there _now_. You’re here. And you can learn if you want to.”

“You’re still trying to teach me.”

“Perhaps.”

She shakes her head. “What was that, in your quarters? Not my appearance. But… _you_.”

He turns away from her then, eyes downcast.  His shoulders tense and she almost reaches out to touch him, almost offers a bit of comfort. But it doesn’t feel right, somehow. She can’t quite define _why_ , but she knows that reaching out would send him spiraling down and away from her.

And she doesn’t even know why that _matters_. Why she wants to keep him with her in this moment.

“A nightmare.”

She waits for him to say more.

He doesn’t.

“A nightmare?” she asks. “That sounds rather simplistic.”

“Isn’t it?” he says with a shrug.

She doesn’t know how to respond to that. “It was _him_ , wasn’t it?”

“Snoke?”

She nods and waits for him to respond. He studies her for a moment and there’s a darkness there. He wears it like a mantle over his shoulders, wrapped around himself like a shawl.

“It’s always Snoke,” he finally says.

She shudders at the tone of his voice. “Who is he?”

“ _What_ , is more like it.”

“He’s not human.” She’s seen him, a shadowy figure. Humanoid at least, if not human. A crack down his skull like the deep ravine between mountains, piercing eyes, flattened nose.

“No,” he says with a wave of his hand. “I’m not even sure if that form he takes is his real form,” he admits. And she can sense the truth of that. The Snoke in the nightmare she’d been a part of looked like an alien’s impression of an elderly human. But there had been something _off_ there. Like he just didn’t quite get it.

“What is he then?”

“Something you never want to meet.” There’s pain there behind the words, pain and horror, and she remembers the way his back arched even in his nightmare, the way he’d whimpered softly, as if he were trying to fight off whatever Snoke was doing to him.

“He was really there?”

“Now you understand.”

She takes a quick breath. “It wasn’t a nightmare.”

“No.”

“No,” she repeats and takes another shuddering breath. “He was there. Inside your mind.”

He doesn’t respond, turning his head away from her, letting his hair hide his eyes. She can feel _something_ coming off him in waves. Anger, terror, all mixed up together. Snoke is a terrifying presence and he still has access to him in some ways, has access to _her_ through him. They’re going to have to _do_ something about it. She’s sure of it. She and Luke and Kylo. They need to fix this if they have any hope of defeating him.

“He was in mine, too,” she whispers and his head shoots up.

He studies for a moment. “I…” he starts to say.

“Don’t apologize.”

“I wasn’t going to.”

“No?” She can see almost a faint trace of a smirk at the edges of his too-pretty mouth. “Kylo?” When he nods, she goes on. “What happened with Luke?”

He lets out a breath. “He hasn’t told you.”

“No. He…he said I should ask you.”

He lets out a dry, humorless laugh. “He doesn’t want to admit the truth. He never could own up to it.”

“Own up to what?”

“Can I show you?” He turns to her then and there’s an earnestness in his voice that she didn’t expect. He’s watching her, studying her, his eyes searching hers for something.

“Show me…?”

He reaches out his hands and stops just short of taking hers. She glances down at where they’re resting so close to hers. They’re large, long fingered and broad. It shouldn’t surprise her really. Everything about him seems to be _large_ and somehow over the top, including his Force powers. “If you’ll let me.”

“How does it work?” She remembers his getting into her mind, that sensation of crawling ants inside her head. It had been equal parts terrifying and humiliating. At least until she’d turned the tables on him. Then there had been only exhilaration.

“We’re… _connected_ …somehow. You know that, right?” She stares at him, eyes wide, and then finally nods. “I can use that. I can…draw you into my memories.”

“You won’t get into…”

“No,” he says quickly, moving one hand in a slashing motion in front of her. “Not into yours. Not without permission. Not ever again.” And there’s a promise, a _vow_ , behind the words. She’s taken aback by the fervency to them. It’s certainly not what she expects out of him. He’s still very much Kylo Ren in her mind, still the creature who ripped his way into her mind. But here he is _vowing_ to not do it again unless she invites him in.

She can’t imagine why she ever would, but she feels a sense of almost giddy relief at the words.

“Alright,” she finally whispers. “Show me.”

“I need to…” He holds up his hands, gestures at her. “It helps.”

She nods and holds out her hands, and he wraps his hands around hers. They’re surprisingly warm, and she shivers at the contact. She doesn’t reach out and touch people of her own accord much and it feels weird for a moment. And then she settles into it, lets her hands rest more fully in his, her calloused palms against his much smoother ones. He wears gloves, she reminds herself. Thick leather that protects him. She’s spent years scavenging in the desert, building up callouses and the scars of small cuts and abrasions. She almost feels embarrassed by their roughness, but then looks up to meet his eyes.

His hands tighten on hers.

“Close your eyes,” he murmurs and she does so without hesitation. “Breathe.”

“I…”

“Don’t talk. Just breathe. Concentrate on me, on the link.”

She does as he asks, breathes in deeply, tries to center and calm her wild thoughts. She can sense him there, just on the edges of her mind, a bit of red, shot through with dark veins and one piercing bit of light that cuts through it all. She can feel him breathe and she takes a breath as he breathes out, releases it as he breathes in.

He makes a small humming noise in the back of his throat and she leans just a little further forward, her hands tightening on his. “Let go,” he whispers.

And she does, falling forward into nothing.

* * *

_It’s dark wherever she is. Dark, cold, a little damp. After a moment, her eyes adjust and she realizes there’s a bit of moonlight flooding in from a small, high window._

_She waits._

_There must be more._

_But nothing. Not for a moment._

_The place brightens up just a little bit, as if someone has turned up the lights that aren’t actually there. And that’s when she can look around a bit. There are books on a shelf off to the side, a calligraphy set, a compass._

_And there’s a pallet in one corner. She steps closer to it when she sees something moves on it. There’s a person there, curled up into a small ball, hands curled at his sides._

_A sound behind her causes her to whirl around and there he is. Luke. He looks younger, his beard properly trimmed, hair short, less grey shot through it. But his eyes look tired and his mouth is set in a grim line._

_“Oh, Ben,” she hears him whisper and the sound of it almost breaks her._

_And then he has his lightsaber in his hand and there’s a flash of_ something _in his eyes as he raises it up and ignites it._

_Rey lets out a gasp._

_The person on the pallet comes awake, turning over to look with sleepy eyes. Ben Solo. He looks terribly young here, his hair shorter than he wears it now, his eyes those of a confused boy._

_And then he realizes what’s going on._

_And his eyes widen with fear before he reaches out his hand and calls something to it._

_His lightsaber._

_Green, this time. Not the red she’s used to. But he’s raised it up against Luke’s as he rises from the pallet._

_“Ben, no!” Luke calls out just as Ben reaches out with his left hand, pulling the Force to him._

_The hut they’re in collapses in on them both and everything goes dark around Rey_.

* * *

She comes awake with a gasp. “He tried to kill you?”

“Yes.” Kylo’s voice is tight with suppressed rage.

“That’s why…”

“ _Yes_.”

She’s left reeling. Luke Skywalker. Master Jedi, hero of the Rebellion, hope of the Resistance. He tried to kill his own nephew. “I don’t know what to think of this,” she murmurs.

“What is there to think? He tried to _kill_ me.” There’s a tightness to his voice. More than anger, resignation perhaps. “And so now you know why there’s no love lost between us.” He drops her hands then and she realizes she’d forgotten they were even linked in such a way. “Just remember that the next time you go to your great hero for help.”

He turns away and she watches the lines of his back as he pushes off the boulder and retreats. He’s shoved his hands into his pockets and she almost does the same, just to feel the warmth on them again. It’s cold, sitting all alone out there by the lake.

And then she’s up and following him, running gracefully across the sand until she’s caught up with his rapidly disappearing form. “Wait!” she calls out and is surprised to see him turn toward her.

His shoulders are rounded and hunched and he wraps his arms tightly around himself, as if he can somehow disappear completely if he just curls close enough in on himself.

“There’s nothing more to it, Rey,” he says and his voice sounds tired.

“That’s not it,” she says. His eyebrows shoot up as he watches her. “You can teach me.” The words come out in a rush before she can even think of what she’s saying. _Luke tried to_ kill _him._ And she doesn’t know why it’s so important to tell him that right now.

But it is. Somehow, she just knows it is.

He watches her for a moment and then finally nods. “Alright,” he says, almost too nonchalantly for the wild emotions flying between them. And then he walks off, leaving Rey to stare after him.

Just what _had_ she gotten herself into, exactly?


	13. Chapter 13

“Rey!” Finn shouts as she enters the mess hall. She needs people around her right now, people to distract her from her thoughts on the Jedi, on the Sith, on Luke and Kylo and everything else that she can feel weighing her down. Really, life was so much easier when it was just her and her AT-AT, and her countdowns of the number of days since she’d seen her family.

She was five when she was abandoned there.

She remembers nothing of it, remembers nothing of how and when she started counting those days, how and when she came to be crawling through the wreckage of the Empire’s fleet for any scrap pieces she could.

It just always _was_.

Until the day it wasn’t.

“Finn,” she says with some relief. She’s always happy to see him, always happy to see that spark of mischief and happiness in those dark eyes.

“So Luke Skywalker,” he says as she sits down.

_Of course_. They’re not going to let that one go.

“Yes,” she says, the word a little cautious.

Finn slaps his leg and lets out a small huff of laughter. “I really thought he was a myth.”

Poe sits across from them and he’s watching with slightly wide eyes and a half-smile on his face. “Really? A myth? Is that how the rest of the galaxy views him?”

Rey sits back and watches their banter. She’s still trying to figure out just what happened the night before. The nightmare. Snoke. _Luke Skywalker trying to kill Kylo Ren._ No, she realizes. He wasn’t Kylo Ren at that point. He tried to kill Ben Solo, the innocent boy who had yet to become the monster they’d all come to know.

And now she’s going to let him teach her.

_Him_. The enemy. She can’t shake the warring feelings inside her. She doesn’t want to know if she wants to know more about the Force. She knows she doesn’t want to be a Jedi. But she needs to learn how to control it before it controls _her_ , and so she should be studying with Luke. With anyone else. And yet she’s turned to Kylo Ren, held his hands as he showed her a painful part of his past, watched as he suffered through Snoke’s torment.

She’s been in his mind.

And he in hers.

And nothing feels _right._

_But_ that _did,_ she realizes. _It felt right when he held your hands._

She shivers, that feeling still lingering, even after she tried to sleep it off for the remainder of the night. The fresher can only do so much to wash it from her.

“Rey?”

She blinks once and looks up at the speaker. Rose, she remembers. Rose with her gentle eyes and almost giddy smile. “Sorry,” she says sheepishly.

“Are you alright?” Rose asks and _kriff_ , if it doesn’t feel good to be worried over.

“I’m…” _I watched Luke Skywalker try to kill his nephew last night_. “I’m fine. Just tired. I didn’t sleep well.”

Her explanation is greeted with small sounds of sympathy. “I don’t think many of us sleep well these days,” Paige says and there’s a darkness to her voice.

“Kylo Ren?” Finn says. “Yeah, I know. I still don’t like his being here.”

“I don’t think he means anyone harm.” The words slip out of Rey’s mouth before she can stop them. _Kriff_.

“You spent time with him? On the Falcon?” Paige asks. And _now_ everyone is interested. Rey wants to turn the conversation back to Luke. Luke is easy. For them at least. Just a middle-aged hermit Jedi who might just bring the Resistance the bit of hope they need to keep going.

“I did.” She almost doesn’t confirm it, almost tells them she never saw him, that he hid in his quarters and that was it. But there’s so much more there. And she can’t forget the conversation from the previous night, can’t forget the nightmares she’s been drawn into.

She doesn’t know what to think of him anymore and that _scares_ her. It’s like sometime, somehow, he’s become come both more _and_ less. More human, less the Force wielding terror that everyone still thinks of him as.

It’s only been a handful of days and while she wouldn’t say he’s _changed_ , she fears that spending time with him has made _her_ change.

_He’s been in your head, Rey_.

And he vows not to. Not again. Not without her permission. He looks at her with something akin to respect and it’s a strange, heady feeling when her eyes meet his.

“Did he destroy anything?” Finn asks.

“I heard he does that,” Poe says and there’s a glint of mischief, a bit of fire behind the words.

“He didn’t,” Rey says. He’d been alternately sullen and angry, but she hadn’t seen him take his lightsaber to anything. _Except Luke._

_But maybe he had reason_.

“How are things going with the hyperspace tracking?” Rey interrupts with. She’s relieved when the conversation immediately turns to it, though she sees Rose watching her with an unsettling, assessing gaze.

She’s happy to listen to them though. She knows a fair bit about tech herself, though nothing like Rose does. It’s obvious she’s a veritable genius when it comes to technology. She’s devised a way to crack the code to disable it for a cycle and a way to get through their shields undetected.

“It won’t be easy,” Rose warns, her dark eyes watching them all carefully. “We’ll have to time everything perfectly.”

“I can be a distraction,” Poe offers.

“A distraction?” Finn asks and there’s worry there behind the words.

“Yeah. It makes so much sense. I can play distraction and while they’re all focused on me, you guys can slip in.” He stabs at his food, picking it up with the fork and waving it around. “They won’t even know what hit them.”

“I think you’re insane,” Finn offers up. The others concur. Rey smiles at their easy camaraderie. They make her a part of it all, drawing her into their inner circle, but she still feels so much the outsider.

As she smiles at them, joins in their bit of laughter, she’s surprised to see Poe’s smile falter, his lips draw tight. “Incoming,” he mutters and almost as one the group turns.

Kylo is there, striding up to them. His gaze is on _her_ and it doesn’t falter as he approaches. “Rey,” he says.

“We’ll continue this another time,” Poe says, giving Kylo a dark look.

“We can trust him,” Rey says and even _she_ is surprised at the words. She had no idea she was going to say them and yet there they are, dropping heavily into their little group.

“No,” Kylo says, and his voice is deadly serious.

Rey turns to stare at him. Poe says nothing more, just crosses his arms over his chest. Finn won’t even look at Kylo, won’t look at her either, which leaves her feeling a bit unsettled. “What?” Rey finally asks.

“You heard me.” The words are tight and his stance mirrors Poe’s as he crosses his arms over his chest. “You can’t.”

Rey stands and rounds on him. _Why?_ The word comes unbidden into her mind and she knows the moment that Kylo can hear it. She doesn’t even need to say it out loud.

“You know why,” he whispers.

“Kylo,” she starts to say and then he’s turning on his heel, striding away from them all as fast as his long legs can carry him. Rey starts to step toward where he is quickly retreating, but stops when a hand comes out to rest on her arm.

“Let him go,” comes the soft voice of Rose. She turns to look down at her and sees her earnest brown eyes staring back up at her.

“I can’t.” She shrugs her off and rushes after where Kylo has disappeared. And she can _feel_ them. Their confusion, their disappointment, anger and worry all mixed up in one.

She catches up with him just before he enters his quarters. “Kylo, wait,” she says as he’s stepping into them.

He freezes, the hand on the door frame clenching into a fist, his shoulders tensing. “Go away, Rey,” he mutters.

“No.” When he steps into his quarters, she follows, putting out a hand to stop the door from closing behind him. “Why do you think you can’t be trusted?” she asks quietly.

“Why do you think I _can_?” he throws back at her. He won’t even turn to look at her, not yet, and she almost reaches out to touch his broad back.

“You’re here, aren’t you? With us?”

“That doesn’t matter.” The words are soft, but full of some emotion she can’t quite define.

“Of course it does.” Her words are just as soft, but resolute. He threw off the mantle of Kylo Ren, threw off the mantle of the dark lord of the First Order, and he _came home_.

“Not with _him_ still there.” He turns around then, faces her. His eyes look dark, almost black in the dim light of his quarters. “As long as _he_ is there, lurking in the shadows, clawing his way into my mind, I am not safe. I will never _be_ safe. He could find his way in. Through me. To you. No one should trust me.” He turns away again, glances down. “You more than anyone. Do you know what Snoke would do to me if he got ahold of you? What he would do to _you_? You’ve only just hit the tip of it with my nightmares.” He steps closer and his hands reach up, almost coming to rest on her shoulders. She watches as he clenches his fists and then drops his arms back to his sides.

She’s not sure what to say exactly, lets it soak in. Then – “Why are you here if you think he’s just going to bring you back?”

He says nothing for a moment, but she can feel the churning of emotions, can feel him trying to grasp onto something and just _hold on_. “I don’t know,” he finally says. He turns away, running his hand through his hair. He looks like he’s going to say something else and she’s waiting not quite so patiently for it.

“Rey,” comes the voice behind her and she turns to see a young cadet whose name she can’t quite remember. The woman glances over at Kylo for a moment and she can see her hesitate. “There’s a meeting…”

“You better go,” Kylo says and starts to turn into his quarters.

“The general requests your presence as well,” the young woman says. Kaydel, she remembers. Kaydel Connix. She’s seen Poe chatting her up in the hallways a few times and she’s been amused to see the woman rebuff him on every occasion.

“Of course she does,” Kylo says, the words dry and almost amused. He heaves a sigh. “The general is going to get the entire Resistance in trouble for dragging me into these meetings,” he mutters. Kaydel scampers off, her message delivered. Rey can feel the nervousness wafting off the woman as she nearly flees down the hallway.

Kylo heaves a sigh. And then – “Shall we go?”

She’s still watching Kaydel’s retreat when he speaks and is surprised to see him holding out his arm. “I don’t need an escort.”

His arm drops back to his side. “Of course not.” There’s color high up on his cheekbones. And then he’s gone, stalking away down the hall in the same direction Kaydel had just gone. With a sigh, Rey rushes to catch up.

* * *

The entire room had stopped and turned to look at him when he stepped into the room accompanied by Rey. They surely knew about her now, the Force sensitive girl from Jakku who had been sent after Luke Skywalker and _succeeded_ in bringing him back. Her walking in with Kylo is seen as some sort of affront, working with the enemy and all that.

His uncle is there somewhere. He can sense him in the room, that feeling of anger and cloying smugness that still clings to him. He’s never sure he’s been _remorseful_ over his attempts to kill him. Oh, he might claim he is. But there’s something brewing under the surface. Kylo is certain Luke still feels at least somewhat justified in those actions, probably only feels a little bit of regret at what he might have done to the son of his close friends.

Kylo sits sprawled in one of the useless things the Resistance calls a chair. It’s too small for him and he’s almost certain that’s on purpose. They’ve forced him to perch his large frame on what he’s sure is meant for a child.

_A show of strength. Or petulance_. He’s not sure which, really. He’s not even sure it matters. What matters _now_ is that no one is listening, no one is really trying to understand. They’re _bickering_ and it reminds him all too much of his childhood. He’s surprised to see that even his kriffing father looks irritated at it.  He could bicker with the best of them.

_This was a mistake_.

He knows it.

Or _something_ knows it. He can still feel it crawling under his skin. _Snoke_. He’s always there, trying to get in, trying to claw his way into his mind and see the things that Kylo is desperately trying to hide from him. It was there when he stood on a hillside, swinging his lightsaber, desperately trying to cling onto anything that makes him human. It’s there in the night, racing through his dreams, turning them dark and nightmarish. He can’t ever escape.

Or he couldn’t, at least.

Until _she_ appeared. It’s always about _her_. He glances her way for a moment and watches the way she leans forward, intent, absorbing everything. She’s a bright spot in a room of darkness, her emotions just barely below the surface. The others that surround her are nothing, inconsequential. He can feel them in the Force, but muted, barely above the beasts that prowl outside the base’s doors.

“They don’t know where we are,” one person is saying.

“Then we lie in wait,” Poe Dameron says. “And we strike when they least expect it. Two-pronged attack. One disables their hyperspace tracking, so the majority of the team can escape on the _Raddus_. The other takes out their dreadnaught.” His eyes are shining, just waiting for the glory that comes with his place in the war. Kylo wants to roll his eyes. Glory seekers have no place in war. They’re as likely to get their team killed as they are to destroy the other side. Any Stormtroopers who acted in such a way were quickly reconditioned or washed out of the program.

Though he supposes _washed out_ has a different meaning for the First Order as it does for the Resistance. Not that he’s ever been exactly sure. The Stormtrooper program wasn’t his, and once they put on the uniforms, they were nameless and faceless creatures whose sole purpose was to kill and be killed. A terrible thing, to be sure. And seeing FN-2187, _Finn_ , take his place in the Resistance makes him realize just how wrong that program might have been.

_Clone troopers. It was really was a better, more elegant solution_.

“You expect to take out a dreadnaught?” the young woman who had alerted him and Rey to the meeting says, and he can _hear_ the incredulity dripping from her voice.

Poe steps closer to her and _this_ is clearly his moment. “Kaydel,” Poe says and oh, does he know how to turn on the charm. “It’s really pretty simple. While Rose and Finn are headed toward the _Supremacy_ , I’ll get inside the dreadnaught’s shields and take out their surface cannons. Then we send in the bombers to finish it off.”

“I don’t know.” She’s still hedging a bit. Maybe these people were smarter than he thought.

His mother steps forward, ever the diplomat. He can see that she’s hesitant, but her spine is ramrod straight and her eyes are steely. She won’t give anything away, except to those who know her best.

His father, on the other hand, is leaning forward slightly, watching Leia with his a frown on his face. He’s still reckless, but if even _he_ thinks it’s a harebrained plan, then there’s something to it.

“Any other input?” She glances his way and Kylo sighs.

“They’ll eat you alive,” he mutters.

“ _Ben_ ,” his mother admonishes.

He stands then. “I shouldn’t be here.” The words are muttered to himself and the few people near him take a few steps back. No one wants to get too close to Kylo Ren.

_Except Rey…_

_“You can trust him…”_ She’ll learn. He’s sure of it.

He can see Poe walking his way, that sort of cocksure stride that women everywhere no doubt swoon over. Ben presses his lips together as the other man approaches and he can _feel_ him there in the Force, emotions flying around them. “She’s wrong, you know,” he says conversationally. “We can’t trust you. In fact, if I had _my_ way, you’d have been tossed out the nearest airlock before you had a chance to even draw that lightsaber of yours on any of us.”

“Poe!” He turns to see Rey rushing at them.

“Let him say his peace,” Kylo says, holding up a hand toward Rey. She stops and he can see the flash of annoyance cross her features. “Go ahead then.”

Poe says nothing for a moment and Kylo almost just turns and walks away. But he doesn’t get a chance to think of that because his nose is exploding in pain as Poe’s fist collides with it. He can hear the crunch and _kriff_ he hates that noise. But it doesn’t knock him over, barely knocks him back a step.

Rey gasps.

He’s pretty sure he hears a few bits of applause, maybe a quiet cheer that’s stomped out quickly for fear of angering him. _Kriff_ , it would be so easy to hit Poe back, to use the force to toss him a hundred feet into the midst of his friends and then storm out, dignity intact, even if his nose is not.

But he doesn’t.

He just stands there.

And then he looks over, meets Rey’s wide eyes, and takes a deep breath. “Are you satisfied now?” he asks and he can taste the blood that’s dripping down from his nose.

“I haven’t even gotten started,” Poe mutters.

“Poe,” comes the voice from across the room and both men cringe. Leia. His mother. She’s striding toward them with every bit of dignity she can muster. “Just what do you think you’re doing?”

“Look, General, I know he’s your son, but…”

“No _buts_ ,” she says and there’s that voice he’s heard all his life. As hard as durasteel, it brooks no argument. _Too bad Poe was never that smart_. “I don’t care if he’s my son or not, you do not strike someone without provocation.”

“Mother,” Kylo starts to say.

“Do you understand me?” Leia says. She won’t even look at Kylo. He’s not quite sure if she is defending _him_ or if this is just a show of her never-ending strength.

“Understood,” Poe says between closed teeth, never taking his eyes off Kylo.

“Good.” Leia’s voice is tight, but it softens a little when she turns to Kylo. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.”

“Still, I think you should get that looked at.”

“I’m _fine_ ,” he reiterates.

“Maybe Luke?”

He feels the thread inside himself grow taut and it comes close to snapping. The Force winds itself around him, tight, and then there’s a soft touch. Just a brushing of a hand against his arm. He opens the eyes he didn’t realize he had slammed shut to see Rey watching him, her hand lightly touching his forearm. He blinks, shakes his head, and then finally turns back to his mother. “Never _Luke_.”

He turns to leave, stopping for one moment to lean close to Rey. “Tomorrow morning. 0800. The training room.” And then he stalks off. He’ll leave them to their bickering and their plans. He doesn’t need to be a part of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise...training in the next chapter!


	14. Chapter 14

She hates the way they all look at her, as if she’s some sort of pariah, something that they alternately feel sorry for and ashamed of. They’d watched her after Kylo had left the room, silent and wary. Only Leia had put a hand on her shoulder and given her a sympathetic look. “If you need anything,” she had whispered, leaving it open-ended.

Rey had done little more than nod.

And then she’d left too. Not to go after Kylo. She needed time. Time to herself, time to figure out just what her place with these people is. It’s overwhelming and she isn’t sure she’ll ever feel differently about it. There are times, especially _now_ , that she wishes she’d just stayed behind on her own little desert hell and left well enough alone.

Yet here she is, standing outside the training room in the early hours of the morning. She’d had a light breakfast alone in her quarters and dressed in loose-fitting clothing. She doesn’t know what to expect. Not at all. Just what _was_ training in the Force anyway?

She hadn’t asked.

Kylo hadn’t volunteered.

She steps through the door and he’s already there, sitting cross-legged in the middle of the room, eyes closed. There are dark circles underneath his eyes, all the more noticeable for the pallor of his skin. His hair is, surprisingly, tied back, and she can just see the tips of his ears poking out through the dark strands.

She starts to say something and he holds up a hand. She falls silent, and he gestures at her. “Come,” he says and his voice is a little gravelly, as if he hasn’t used it in quite some time. “Sit.”

She sinks down next to him and he cracks open one eye. “Opposite me.” With a sigh, she crawls across the mat and takes up a position that’s similar to his own, legs crossed, hands loose on her knees.

“Breathe,” he says.

“I _am_ breathing,” Rey mutters.

He says nothing for a moment. “What do you know of the Force?”

“The Force? It’s…” What _does_ she know? Rumors, myth, legend. “I know you can bend someone’s mind to your will.” She thinks of the Stormtrooper compelled by her own mind to do as she wished. _And I will drop my weapon._ That sort of power was almost frightening. “I know that you can control a lightsaber. Lift things?” She’s heard other rumors, has heard of Kylo Ren stopping blaster shots, and she knows he can rip your thoughts out of your head.

“That’s…” His shoulders drop slightly as he opens his eyes and stares at her, mouth slightly parted. “Did no one on Jakku every have the Force?”

She shrugs. “Just me, apparently.”

“Unbelievable. How can you be so _strong_ in the Force and yet so ignorant of everything it is? Close your eyes.” The last is snapped at her, as if he’s annoyed at how little she knows. She wants to shout _it’s not my fault!_ but refrains.

“You know when I discovered I had this thing called the Force? When you got into my mind. And I got into yours. There was this… _feeling_ …inside me. It just bubbled up and over and tore through me like fire. I’d never felt anything like it before. And even then, I had no idea _what_ it was exactly. Just that this _thing_ had awakened inside me and it would not be pushed back down.”

He’s leaning forward as she speaks, and his lips are parted, and he looks…young, she realizes. Young and excited, and the connection between them buzzes a little.

“The Force was a myth on Jakku, the Jedi a legend. Until you came roaring into my life, I didn’t even realize these great heroes were real people.” She thinks about Luke, hidden away on his island, Han Solo smuggling rathtars, Princess Leia, the revered general of her people. They weren’t _real_. They were bedtime stories and tall tales told to children.

“I’m...” he starts to say. He clears his throat. “I didn’t know.”

“Well, now you do.” The words are almost prim coming from her and she tries to offer him a soft smile. “Now teach away, professor.”

He almost smirks at that. _Almost_. She can see the corners of his mouth twitch a little. “Close your eyes.” She doesn’t, instead watching him a little warily. “Just _trust_ me.”

She watches him for a moment more, eyes searching his, before finally letting her eyes drift shut.

He speaks again, his voice slow and almost soothing. She’s never quite noticed how deep his voice is, but the low murmur of it sends a bit of a shiver up her spine. “Breathe… _deeply_. Slow, deep breaths. Center yourself.”

She attempts to do as he asks, listening to him breathe and allowing herself to make a sort of connection there with him. She feels it when it happens, when it works, the way their breathing clicks suddenly, in lock-step with each other.

“Good,” he whispers. She leans forward to catch his next words. “Now reach out.”

When she does, he sounds almost annoyed. “What are you doing?”

“Reaching out?” she says, one hand stretched out in front of her. He smacks it down.

“With your _feelings_. Reach out with everything inside you. Tell me what you sense.”

She really has no idea what he means, but she tries anyway, using her mind to do…something. She’s not sure. There’s nothing for a moment, but then she feels _him_ there, somehow holding her up, pulling her along with him. He reaches out and grasps her hands, and she gasps.

She can feel...

“What do you sense?” he asks and she’s pretty sure his voice is a little hoarser than usual.

“ _Everything_ ,” she whispers. He says nothing and she seems to know without his needing to say it that he wants her to go on. “I feel everyone. Joy. Sadness. Worry.” She delves a little deeper, dips in further. She can feel _him_ there in the Force, an overwhelming presence that breathes in time with her. She can feel his hands anchoring her to him, to the here and now, helping her to float free without losing herself entirely. She pushes a little at him and is surprised to feel a moment of panic before his half-amused voice comes into her head.

_Oh no, you’re not going_ there _again._

“How…”

_Use your mind_.

She attempts to speak again and his hands tighten on hers, painful for just a moment, before relaxing. _Think the thoughts, imagine the words fully formed, and then push them out toward me._

She scrunches up her face and tries to imagine the words, tries to hear her own voice saying them. _How are we doing this?_

She can feel him flinch a little in the Force. _A little quieter, perhaps._

_I did it?_ It comes easier this time and even she can tell that the words aren’t quite as loud.

He releases her hands then and she opens her eyes, feeling a little bereft at the loss of contact. For wont of anything else to do, she crosses her arms over her chest and tucks her hands in close at her sides. They feel cold.

“You did,” he says. She feels a shiver go down her back as his eyes meet hers.

She can’t help but smile. “Can I do that with everyone?”

“Not everyone will be sensitive enough to hear the words.”

“Only those with the Force,” she finishes for him.

“Yes.”

“But the Stormtrooper…”

“That’s a little different than this,” he says with a shrug.

“Mind control,” she murmurs. “Is it a dark side thing?” The thought worries her. Was she tapping into the dark side without even knowing she _had_ any sort of Force abilities?

He lets out a soft snort and shakes his head. “It depends on how you use it.”

“How did you use it?”

He says nothing for a moment and she’s almost certain he’s not going to answer when he finally speaks. “For nothing good, that’s for sure,” he mutters. She shudders. She doesn’t want to know, she thinks, even if a part of her almost asks him for an explanation. “You don’t want to know.”

“Are you reading my mind again?”

“It was all over your face. I didn’t have to.”

“Oh.” And there’s another thing that worries her. She watches him, probably more than she should if she’s going to be honest with herself, and sees the way his face is almost always schooled into a careful sort of blankness. Only when facing Luke did he go so low that the anger and fear showed on his features.

She’s not one who has ever been able to hide.

Not one who _needed_ to hide. She lived out on her own, far away from other scavengers. The social niceties of watching your expressions, of not always saying what was on your mind, these were things she didn’t learn nearly as well as she should have.

“Don’t worry,” he finally says. “Manipulating a Stormtrooper to free yourself isn’t a fall to the dark side.” She takes a deep breath at his words. “I don’t think you’re in danger of that.”

Yet she can feel the rage that bubbles up inside her sometimes. When she thinks of her family, abandoning her on a hellhole like Jakku, when she thinks of anyone harming her friends, when she thinks of Snoke and what he’s done to Kylo Ren.

“I might be,” she whispers at last. Kylo studies her and finally leans forward a little.

“No,” he says and the word is firm. “Not you, of all people. I’d believe it of my uncle before I believed it of you.”

“He tried to kill you…”

“Exactly.”

“I would have,” she says, tilting her chin up as she watches him. “If you’d killed your father. I would have.”

He says nothing, but she can see the way his jaw works, the way his lips press together. “If I had done that, I would have deserved it. There’s nothing in the light side of the Force that says one cannot commit a mercy killing.”

“It would have been revenge, not mercy.” The words are flat.

He leans forward again and she’s surprised when he reaches out to take her hand. And she’s even more surprised at just how much she likes the feel of his large, warm palm engulfing her own. “It might have felt like revenge. But it would have been a mercy killing. I…I don’t think I could have lived with myself if I had done it.”

_I killed Han Solo._

_You did…and it split your spirit to the bone. Look at you, pathetic weakling, defeated by a girl who had never held a lightsaber in her life_.

She gasps as he pushes back and releases her.

“What was that?”

His eyes are wide as he studies her. “You saw it too?”

“Snoke,” she murmurs. “Was it…” _Was it the past that could have been? His fear? Or worse…the future?_

“The future? No. I don’t think so. I’ve changed that.”

“He wanted you to.” There’s not even a question there. She can _feel_ it, coming off him in waves. Shame, anger. “You thought about it.”

“I did.”

She takes a deep breath. “What stopped you?”

There’s silence after the question and she watches as he looks everywhere but at her, his eyes trailing along the ceiling, the wall, down at his own lap. He doesn’t know, she realizes. He has no explanation for why he handed off the lightsaber and followed his father. She takes a deep breath, pushes out toward him.

“I wish I knew.” And there’s sadness there. Sadness and confusion and something else.

_It’s not just because he’s your father?_

The ease of the words in her mind surprises her. It certainly surprises _him_ because his eyes come up to meet hers and they’re dark, unfathomable. “No,” he says at last. “No that’s not it. My father…”

“He’s a good man.”

“He’s a smuggler,” he shoots back. “A swindler. He and my mother fought like warring Rancors when he was home. Which wasn’t often.” The last is said with a bitter twist of his lips.

“You had a family.” She had nothing. Just herself, a couple older scavengers who tried to look out for the child dumped into their midst. But mostly, just herself. No one cared. She would have gladly taken a dastardly smuggler as a parent.  

 He cocks his head. “You still see him as the father you never had.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” she shoots back with and pushes off the floor, stalking away from him.

“Don’t go!” he shouts after her.

“Why should I stay? So you can torment me some more with the thoughts you ripped out of my head?” She throws her arms wide with the question. He’d been in there, seen her loneliness, the island that haunted her vision, the desert that had been her life.

He stands then and stalks after her. “You’re never going to let that go, are you? Even after I promised to never do it again.”

She crosses her arms over her chest and stares up at him. “Should I?”

“It was…”

“An invasion,” she finishes with. “You tore into my _mind_ , Kylo.”

“I know!” he shouts back at her, raking his hands through his hair. “You were an enemy combatant.”

“I was tied to a chair.”

His mouth opens to say something and then closes quickly. “Is there anything I can say that will make you forgive me for the transgression?”

“You could grovel,” she suggests, tossing the words off as if they’re meaningless. She really doesn’t even know why she’s doing this, why it’s come to this. He’s helping her, she supposes, teaching her new techniques. And if she doesn’t let this whole thing go, he may not show her everything she should know about the Force.

“Are you serious?” he shoots back with. “Are you going to grovel for getting into my mind?”

Her eyebrows shoot up. “That was self-defense,” she mutters.

“Was it?”

She knows the truth of it. She wanted him _out_ but she also wanted to get _in_. She wanted to get back at him, wanted to see what fears he guarded closely. And she had gotten to the truth of it rather quickly, going straight to the heart of the matter. “Do you still want to be like him?”

He steps back and for a moment she’s reminded of the same Kylo Ren that had been interrogating her. Breathing hard, lips slightly parted, eyes wide with a mix of terror and awe. But now there’s something else there. A strange sort of admiration. And now she knows him. Maybe not well, but she _knows_ him. Knows that he’s terrified of his uncle after he tried to kill him, knows that his family life has not been easy for him, she’s been in his mind and he in hers.

“No.”

“No?”

He shakes his head. “I may have been…mistaken.”

“May have been?”  She doesn’t mean the question to be quite so sharp and yet it falls heavily into the silence of the room.

“We should,” he starts to say and clears his throat. “We should try that again.”

“I thought we were rather successful,” Rey offers up. She feels a bit tired, a little bit of strain just around the eyes.

“We were. For a first time. But it needs to come naturally for you.”

“Why?” she cuts him off with. “So I can get into your head as easily as you get into mine.”

He sighs. “Must _everything_ come back to that?”

“Probably.”

“Would it really be better if I groveled for your forgiveness?”

“No,” she says, the word coming quickly.

He shakes his head. “Good, I wasn’t going to.” Then – “But you still need to work on it. Pretend it’s to get back at me, I don’t care. Just sit back down and _focus_.”

She watches him for a moment, the tired look to his eyes, how he’s somewhat resigned to their fate. For a moment she almost feels sorry for him. _Almost_. But not quite. She hasn’t forgotten who he was, who he still is. _He’s still Kylo Ren_ , she thinks and tries to push away the traitorous thoughts that bring to mind his nightmares.

“Do you want my help or not?” he finally snaps at her.

“Fine.” She sits back down cross-legged as she was before and faces him.

Neither says anything for a moment and then Kylo’s shoulders sink a little. “Look, I know you’d rather my uncle teach you. But I’m all you’ve got for the moment. If you want to learn more about this _thing_ that’s awakened in you, you’re going to have to trust me.”

“Right,” she mutters. Somehow it’s appropriate, she supposes, that Kylo Ren end up teaching her about it. It’s his fault that she’s in this predicament in the first place.

“It’s not my fault.”

“Will you stay out of my mind?” There’s only a small amount of bite behind the words.

“I wasn’t in your mind.”

“Then…”

“You were thinking way too hard. Your whole face was,” and here he waves one large hand about, “scrunched up.”

“Scrunched up?”

“Yes. Scrunched.”

“Care you demonstrate?” She asks the question with a small smirk on her face.

His face is still carefully blank, but she _almost_ sees a little quirk of movement at the corner of his lips. “I am far too dignified for that.” At her snort, he just shrugs his shoulders and reaches out his hands again. “ _Focus_.”

She doesn’t hesitate this time and reaches out to clasp his hands in hers. She’s almost instantly drawn into his mind. It’s easy this time. Almost too easy. His defenses are down after their exchange, his thoughts near the surface.

_Can you hear me?_

“Yes,” she says automatically.

_In your mind, scavenger. Push the thoughts at me…_

_I hate that nickname._

_Well, that came out loud and clear_. She can hear tone this time, a little bit of amusement coming along the connection with the words. _You know I only call you that to irritate you._

_You do?_

_You’re far more than a mere scavenger._

She almost drops his hands at that statement. _Because I have the Force?_

_No…_ He cuts off there and she’s so damned _curious_ and has no idea what she’s doing. She slips in further. She doesn’t know how. But she can feel him start to tense up as her mind moves closer to his, filters through memories that she can just barely touch.

_Rey…_

It’s a warning, but she doesn’t heed it. She pushes at his mind, dances around and through it. She sees herself standing before him on the hill and can feel his wariness, his confusion over how she came to be there.

She sees herself in the mess hall with Finn and Poe, can feel him reeling at her statement about trusting him, can feel the anger rising in him as he realizes _no one_ should trust him.

She sees herself doing forms with her staff, a sheen of sweat on her skin. She _glows_ in his vision, with her own powerful light. There’s a confusing jumble of admiration and confusion and something else she can’t quite define.

_Rey…stop…_

She can’t. She barely even notices his attempts to close her out, batting him away with her mind without meaning to.

And then the scene shifts and they’re down on the ground. She remembers that. Remembers it well. Her comments about his kriffing ears ending their sparring session suddenly. But no, that’s not what happens here. She watches as he leans forward and then he’s _kissing_ her and her arms go around him and she hears herself gasp against the warmth of those plush lips.

“Stop!”

She’s thrown out of his mind suddenly, left gasping some feet away from him as she comes back to the present. His cheeks are tinged pink. He won’t look at her.

“Kylo, what –” she starts to say.

“Rey, I –” he says at the same time.

And then there’s a flash.

A bang.

She screams as she’s thrown away from him, the entire room going to pieces around them. The floor bucks up underneath her as she falls and the last thing she sees before the room goes dark is the panicked look on Kylo Ren’s face.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry this is so very late. A lot of stuff has been going on (dog woes, money woes, work woes) and so my brain has not been able to wrap around writing or editing. So please accept this with my biggest apology!

Rey comes to. She’s not sure if it’s mere moments or hours. _Where am I? What…_

“Rey!” she hears Kylo shout as another explosion rocks the room they’re in.

“Kylo?”

“Oh thank the Force,” she hears him mutter and then he’s there, gripping her arm and pulling her to her feet.

“What…”

“They found us.”

She can’t see him in the dark, but she can sense him, body and mind on high alert. “The First Order?”

“Yes,” he says tightly.

“How?” She can feel the hand that’s on her arm stiffen and she realizes the stray thoughts in her mind must have reached him.

“I don’t know,” he says, the words tight. “I swear. This wasn’t me.”

She hesitates, hearing her own voice in her head telling the others they could trust him. _Can you?_

“Come on,” he says and tugs at her arm lightly as another explosion, this one further away, rocks the building they’re in. “We need to get out of here _now_.”

She takes a deep breath and decides that she has no choice. Trust him or die alone on the base as she tries to find another way off. “Ok,” she finally says and his hand traces down her arm to her hand, gripping it tightly.

She tries to pull back. “I can…”

“I know,” he says. _We can’t lose each other_.

She’s not sure she was supposed to hear that, but she allows him to keep her hand in his as he pushes past some of the debris in the room. She’s not even sure how she does it, but almost as soon as she thinks of the lightsaber she’s been carrying, it comes flying at her. She catches it easily and attaches it to her belt. When she looks at Kylo, she can feel him watching her, can feel something trickle through the bond, something that feels strongly akin to respect. He squeezes her hand, for just a moment, before turning to race off. Rey is right at his heels, her hand still in his as they enter the hallway outside the training room.

It’s utter chaos.

People running everywhere. As soon as Kylo steps out of the dark room into the almost equally dark hallway, they’re barreled into by someone. She hears cries from all over the place, can feel the panic and fear and desperation, as everyone rushes down hallways that were once so familiar and now seem strange.

They’re alive with the stink of people, shocked with the occasional thunderous explosion.

She and Kylo are swept along with the others. She almost drops his hand when someone runs hard into them, but he reaches out with one long arm and pulls her tight against him. And then they’re running together, almost as one.

He feels solid and real against her.

More so than anything around them.

Darkness.

Smoke.

She trips over something that she can’t see in the dark, something soft that makes a moaning sound. She tries to stop. “They’re hurt,” she says, voice frantic.

“We can’t stop.”

She feels a stab of rage for his callous disregard.

_You know I’m right,_ comes the thought in her head.

He is. She knows. It doesn’t make it easier to let them go, knowing there’s every chance they’ll die there, alone and scared in the middle of the hell the First Order has brought down on them. But she carries on, one arm wrapped around Kylo’s waist as she tries to see through the smoke.

They’re getting closer to something. To Ground Zero. She can feel the heat of the next explosion and even Kylo stumbles, grunting loudly as he’s flung against the wall. Rey lands a bit softer, his body blocking her, his arms coming around her to keep her upright.

_This way…_

He turns then, away from the teeming masses headed toward any exit they can find.

“This…” She can’t get the words to form in her mind, not in this moment. He stumbles again, but keeps moving, pushing ahead of her as he races down corridors that are not choked with people. It’s easier going, but they’re not getting to the _Raddus_ , not this way. Everyone else flows toward the exits, sitting ducks as they try to board their one and only transport ship.

_But it’s not the only ship_ , his voice comes in her head, and she realizes where he’s headed.

_The Falcon_.

“You won’t let them destroy it.”

“Hush,” he pulls out his lightsaber. A bomb streaks down. She can feel it as much as see it, and he deflects it with a powerful swing of his lightsaber. His hand comes up and stops it mid-air. “Go!” he shouts.

She hesitates.

“Go! I’m right behind you!” He shoves her forward and released from her grip on him, she tears off across the landing pad toward the Falcon.

It’s strangely quiet there, the lights of the Falcon off and no sign of Han or Chewbacca, no sign of any of the mechanics she can usually find in one of the hangars. She lowers the ramp and then turns back to Kylo. He’s still standing there, one arm raised, straining with the effort to hold the bomb back. “Come on!” she shouts.

And then he releases it, pushing with all his strength to send it back into the base. Away from the Falcon. Away from _them_. He’s up the ramp before she can even start to turn around, racing to the cockpit. _We don’t have long_.

She can see the fire rushing toward them, even as she sits in the co-pilots chair and Kylo flips the switches to get the Falcon powered back up.

“It’s going to be a bumpy ride out of here,” he shouts over the noise. She half expects to hear Chewie’s roar of agreement. But he’s not there. Han isn’t there. But Kylo is wearing Han’s smirk as the Falcon lurches off the launching pad, parts of it still not totally online.

“The doors!” she shouts.

“No time!” And she knows what he wants, what he expects. With a nod, she disappears down the hall and into the gunwell. This she can handle, throwing herself into the seat and grabbing the controls. The door is blown off its hinges before her butt is even firmly seated and she hears Kylo shout _Yes!_ Somewhere above her.

They fly out into a swarm of TIE fighters and it takes Rey’s mind a moment to catch up. Then she’s blasting at them, almost indiscriminately. All of them and just their one ship. From her vantage point as they fly over the jungles of D’Qar she can see the _Raddus_ trying to lift off.

“We need to distract them!” she shouts, but gets no response. With a huff, she throws the thoughts out at Kylo.

_That’s the plan_ , comes the tight voice in her head.

He flies close to a group of TIE fighters and Rey picks off one or two, her shots going wide on the others. Almost as one, the rest turn to follow her. _Do they know there’s another ship?_

_I don’t know. Let’s make sure they don’t see it._

They fly erratically and Rey’s heart is in her stomach most of the time. The ship flips and twists, and she can see the TIE fighters coming after them, more and more as they lift out of the atmosphere. The _Finalizer_ is there. She can see the massive thing as soon as they’re free of the atmosphere.

_We need to get their attention_. Kylo’s voice is insistent in her head.

_Yes_.

_Follow my lead. Fire at them when we get close. We need to pull them away from the_ Raddus _and D’Qar. Get them to follow us instead of them._

It’s the most she’s heard from him since she first started even trying to talk to him. She nods and then realizes he can’t see her.

_I can feel it though_.

_Get out of my head!_

She can sense him laughing through whatever this weird bond they seem to have formed is and then the _Falcon_ is racing through subspace, twisting toward the enemy. She fires at the _Finalizer_. The shots rake across it, a direct hit. No damage is done of course. The ship is simply massive and what can her little guns do to it? But it does get their attention. She can _feel_ it in the Force, can see it in the TIE fighters that come streaming after them.

_That got their attention!_ she hears Kylo shout through the Force.

_Yes!_

_More of that. I’m going to see what sort of influence I can have over them_.

And she realizes he means the Force. She’s seen what the Force can do to control people in some way, using it on a single Stormtrooper to get him to free her. But a large group of people? From a distance? _You can do that?_

_Shut up and shoot_ , comes his irate reply.

_You got it, Captain._ She feels a little warmth push through the bond and then, with a shake of her head, she turns to the task he’s set out for her.

She lets out a small gasp as she feels _something_ happening around her, like waves in an ocean. She can’t focus on whatever he’s doing. She just _can’t_ and so she takes a deep breath and keeps her mind and guns trained on the TIE fighters that fly around them, crisscrossing their path. The _Falcon_ flits and dodges, coming close to the _Finalizer_ and racing through groups of TIE fighters that she wipes out as they run through them.

A few make contact with them, one wing raking along the side of the Falcon. She can feel Kylo curse through the Force before he tilts the Falcon almost dangerously away from them. It’s dizzying, the spinning, the dodging. And it’s exhilarating at the same time, almost reminiscent of his father’s handling of the ship. It’s obvious he knows what he’s doing, certainly no amateur pilot. And she wonders for a moment why no one has taken advantage of his obvious piloting abilities.

_Hold tight!_ comes suddenly and it’s all she can do to grip the sides of her seat before they’re making a rough jump into hyperspace, taking out one last TIE fighter that gets in their way as they launch.

The jump isn’t long and when they come out of it, all is silence. Rey is out of her seat and up into the cockpit before she can even think on it. “Why did we jump?”

They left everyone behind. His mother, his father, Luke, the entire Resistance. They’re all on the _Raddus_ and their one defense is _here_. Wherever _here_ might be.

“Just wait,” Kylo says.

“What – ”

“Buckle up,” he responds with.

“That’s no – ”

“I said _buckle up_.” He glances at her, just briefly, and there’s ire and darkness in those eyes.

She does as he asks and he turns back from her. _Kriffing irritating bastard_.

“I heard that,” he shoots back.

“I wanted you to.”

When he turns to look at her, one of his eyebrows is up. “You’re learning.”

She almost smiles, but then his head snaps away from her, back to the viewport. For a second, she’s not sure what he’s sensed, but then she feels it too, the hair on the back of her neck rising and goose bumps tracing down her arms just moments before it appears.

The _Finalizer_.

She lets out a gasp.

“We’ve got them!” Kylo shouts, and he sounds absolutely jubilant.

And then he punches it.

The ship jumps to hyperspace so fast that Rey is slammed back against her seat. The ship shudders around them, comes out of hyperspace. They both wait with baited breath for another appearance from the _Finalizer_.

And it does.

One more jump, one more appearance. TIE fighters attempt to fire on them and Kylo moves the ship out of their way. They’re at a stand-off. She feels so _small_ in front of the massiveness that is the First Order’s flagship.

Kylo flips a switch and a voice comes through the line. “You cannot escape,” comes the clipped voice, dripping with the arrogance of one who is used to winning. “You will never escape us. Stand down or – ”

“Ah, General Hux,” Kylo says. The other voice goes silent after a small sputtering sound. And when Kylo leans forward, Rey moves with him. She doesn’t even know why, but she feels pulled along on this strange trip he’s taking them on. “Catch us if you can.”

The ship lurches backward and away, hitting hyperspace before it’s even turned completely away from the First Order’s ships. The next five minutes are harrowing. Kylo takes the ship into and out of hyperspace so fast she can’t even think, can’t breathe. And then with a shout, he turns the ship while _in_ hyperspace, shifting it quickly to the right and then at a diagonal to that. Rey holds tight to the seat with every jarring shift.

Everything comes to a crashing halt as they hit the atmosphere of a planet at light speed. “Kriff!” she shouts as they come out of light speed and soar over the mountains of some planet _somewhere_. She has no sense of where they are, how far they’ve gone.

Or even what the kriffing hell Kylo Ren just did.

She starts to speak, but he just holds up a hand. He’s waiting for something. She has a sense of that much at least. Closing her eyes, she tries to reach out, to _feel_ it like she did at the first jumps they’d made. But there’s nothing.

“We lost them?” she finally says.

He shakes his head. “I think.” He squints out at the bright lights of the planet. They’re jarring after the dark of space. “But just in case…”

He pulls the ship up and out of the atmosphere without another word, jumping quickly back into and out of hyperspace.

The first jump takes them to empty space. She sees no nearby planets or stars.

The second takes them to another planetary system. Here he stops, letting the Falcon float in space. They’re both waiting, hardly breathing. It’s obvious they set their tracking on the Falcon, which was no doubt what he wanted. But it’s clear he’s been trying to disrupt it and lose them. It’s not infallible. That’s what Rose told them. It tracks the _most likely_ route a ship is taking based on point of origin and direction. The _Raddus_ would be a sitting duck. _Most_ ships would be. She’s pretty sure if she were piloting the Falcon, for all of the simulations she’s run through on Jakku, they would be too.

But Kylo Ren has done _something_. She’s pretty sure her stomach is still lodged in places it shouldn’t be and her breathing is just a little unsteady. It was… _breathtaking_. She knows his father is an ace pilot, but it’s clear that either he taught his son all he knows or it’s just a natural inclination. She’s never seen Han do that, but she’s heard about the Kessel Run and is well aware of his exploits in this very ship.

Rey leans back and shuts her eyes. “Now?”

Kylo doesn’t say anything for a moment and she opens her eyes. He’s watching her, his eyes dark and unreadable and when he catches her gaze, his cheeks, already a bit flushed, redden even more. “Yes,” he says quickly. “Yes, I think we lost them.”

“So everyone else?”

“They’re safe.” He takes a deep breath. “Or as safe as they can be.”

She undoes the belt she’d tightened over her lap and moves to the seat next to Kylo. “Where are we?”

He leans forward, hits a few buttons on the console and checks the readouts. “Somewhere on the edges of the Unknown Regions.”

“That far?” Their jumps hadn’t been long, but there had been many. She’d lost count in those dizzying moments of shifting directions. Ten, eleven?

“Twenty-six,” he answers her unspoken question.

She blinks and shakes her head slightly. “That’s…”

“Yes. The more we make – ”

“The harder it is for them to track. Yes, it makes sense.” She offers a soft smile. “Thank you.”

His eyebrows draw low over his eyes. “For?”

“You gave them a chance to escape. Your mother, your father. Even Luke. They’re alive?”

He shuts his eyes and she can feel the Force shift around them a bit, can feel the way he’s casting out for anything, like a fisherman hoping to at least see a fish at the bottom of a lake. “Yes,” he says at last. “I’d sense their deaths.”

She lets out a breath. “Good. That’s…that ought to help win them over.” She doesn’t know why she says the words. She knows how they still see him. The monster of the First Order, Jedi Killer, leader of the Knights of Ren and Snoke’s second-hand Force user. He’s not, she realizes, not anymore. He’s not at all what she expected. And here he is, saving them all.

“They’ll think it was you.”

“Me?” she starts to say and chokes on the word. “I could never fly like that.”

“Doesn’t matter,” he says with a shrug. “They’ll think it anyway.”

“I won’t let them.” She’s surprised at how firm the words are, how determined she is. “I’ll tell them the truth.”

He gives her a long look over that, says nothing until the silence is almost uncomfortable. “Please don’t.”

“Why wouldn’t you want them to know?” He’s reviled by everyone but his mother and father, looked at as a scourge among them. She can _feel_ their hatred of him, coming off them in waves whenever he makes his presence known.

He doesn’t say anything and finally just offers a slight shrug. “I don’t care what they think of me.”

“You’re lying,” she mutters. She knows he is. He cares. He probably cares far more deeply than he wants to admit. Otherwise he wouldn’t have taken such crazy risks to save everyone. If they hadn’t lost them, they could have been shot down. Or worse… _captured_. And she can’t imagine what Snoke would do if he got Kylo Ren back _and_ got her, with her burgeoning Force powers. She knows what he’s done to Kylo, twisted him into the black hulking thing that ordered the destruction of an entire village without so much as a by your leave. What might he do to _her_? When she has no strength to fend him off?

Kylo just shrugs again and turns away from her to fiddle with the knobs and check the readings.

And then she remembers.

She’d forgotten it in their harrowing escape from the base, their taunting of the First Order, and their escape.

But then it’s there, the images. She knows what she looks like, has seen herself in the mirrored hallways of downed ships, in the cracked bits of mirror that she’d hoarded back in her AT-AT, in her quarters on the base. She’s plain, with a body that’s still a bit too boyish. She’s lean and muscular and quick.

But in _his_ visions she had _glowed_ , her eyes alight with life and her mouth soft.

And then there had been _that_ …

She’s never kissed anyone.

Never wanted to, really.

But she can’t get it out of her mind, can almost _feel_ it even as she shivers remembering the passionate embrace she’d seen in his mind. She says his name softly and watches as his shoulders tense. She doesn’t need the Force to know that _he_ remembers now too.

“What was that back there? In the training room?” The words are quiet but fall heavily into the silence of the room.

He flinches, won’t turn to look at her. There’s color at the edges of his neck that she can just barely see. The tip of one ear sticks out through his hair and that’s tinted red too.

“Kylo?”

“Nothing,” he says quickly.

“It wasn’t _nothing_. It was…”

“It was nothing,” he reiterates, hand swiping through the air. “Absolutely nothing.” When he turns to face her, his jaw is set and his lips pressed together.

“But…”

“You look a fright,” he says, and she flinches at the harsh words. “Go take a shower. You know where the ’freshers are.”

She almost says something else, but she knows a deflection when she hears one. He doesn’t want to talk about it, isn’t ready to talk about it. And she’s pretty sure she _does_ look quite a fright. She can see the dirt on her hands and can the streaks of dirt that mar Kylo’s face.

He sighs, and a small bit of warmth returns to his voice. “I’ll keep an eye out. Just go. You’ll feel better after.”

She nods and stands, walking to the door of the cockpit. She doesn’t know what makes her turn back, but she does, for just a moment.

Kylo is still where she left him, sitting in his seat, staring out to space. But slowly, ever so slowly, she watches as he lowers his head into his hands and takes a deep, shuddering breath.

She almost says something, but the moment seems strangely private and so she backs up, slowly, and walks on careful feet back to the quarters.

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been trying to respond to everyone but MY GOSH you guys are all making me feel so wonderfully overwhelmed with the response. Thank you each and every one of you who are reading this little journey I'm putting our favorite couple on! All of your comments and kudos mean so much to me!

She comes awake slowly. She’s not even sure what wakes her up, really. There’s just a moment there where she goes from being unaware to aware.

And then she sits up.

She’s not in her own room.

She’s in another bed, in another place, and she almost screams when she feels something shift beside her. But then she turns. And _he_ is there. Kylo Ren. Ben Solo. He’s asleep, or at least what passes for sleep for one such as him.

His eyes are screwed shut and his eyebrows are drawn low over them. The one hand she can see is clenched into a fist. There’s tension painted into every line of his body and she can see the muscles bunching over his shoulders as his hand clenches and unclenches on the sheet that’s tangled around him.

He’s shirtless.

Of course he is.

She tries not to blush at the expanse of pale skin that’s revealed there. It’s not that she hasn’t seen the occasional naked man. The scavengers of Jakku were not shy, stripping down to bathe no matter who was around. And then there were the occasional ones who tried to _do_ things with her, _to_ her. They’d gotten the business end of her staff, of course, and quickly learned to leave her alone. But she’d seen their shriveled cocks as they whipped them out in the hopes of getting her to entertain them.

This is different somehow. She can’t quite put her finger on it. But she doesn’t feel repulsed, doesn’t want to look away from it all like she did on Jakku.

He mutters something in his sleep and she doesn’t know why she does it, but she puts out a hand to touch his shoulder. His skin his hot to the touch, strangely smooth beneath the rough tips of her fingers.

He jerks awake as soon as she touches him and his eyes open on a gasp. He turns to her then and blinks at her, bleary-eyed. “Rey?” His voice is rough and one of his hands reaches toward her, briefly, before falling back to the bed. “How…”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you really here?” He blinks once, then again, as if he’s trying to clear away the visions.

She shakes her head, glancing around the room. _Is_ she? She had fallen asleep in her room and then she was here. “I don’t know.” It feels solid enough around her. She can feel the bed beneath her, a little harder than her own. She can feel the scratchiness of the blanket where it lightly touches the bare skin of her lower leg. She can smell Kylo’s terror, that salty sweat smell that she can almost taste.

And yet at the same time, something feels _off_.

“I don’t think so,” she finally says.

“Then you’re just part of my dream.” The words are a little bit garbled, but she thinks that’s what he says at least. And then he reaches out, wrapping one arm around her middle as he pulls her close to him. “You smell nice,” he mutters into her neck.

She lets out a little squeak and tries to push away from him.

“This is my dream.” He sounds annoyed. “Why are you fighting me?”

She doesn’t even know. _Is_ she a part of his dream? No, maybe he’s parts of _hers._ “Maybe this is my dream,” she says as she tries to extricate herself from his arm.

“No.” He presses his nose into her neck and she shivers at the contact. “Everything feels calmer when you’re here.” He sighs and his arm wraps a little tighter around her. She’s surprised at just how _real_ all of this feels, surprised at just how much Kylo wants to _cuddle_ with her.

And in her dream. It has to be her dream. She’s too _aware_ for her to be a construct of _his_ dream.

“I don’t understand,” she mutters, her eyes trained on the wall across from them as he fits her close to him, wraps himself around her.

“It’s my dream and I like you here. Just relax.” His lips are at the shell of her ear. She can feel his breath there and she closes her eyes at the sensation. She’s never been this close to anyone, doesn’t even know why she would dream of this.

With him, of all people.

Finn, maybe. He’s open and honest and friendly. And handsome, she acknowledges. But he’s not handsome in a way that makes her insides flutter. She doesn’t know why. She _should_ want to be with Finn. He’s everything that’s good in this world. But when she looks at him, she sees a brother, a friend.

Kylo?

It’s more complicated and she supposes that here, in her dream, she’s allowed to explore at least a little bit of whatever she feels when he walks into a room. He’s tall and broad with uneven features and a darkness that he wears on his shoulders like a cloak. But here he is clinging to her and telling her everything is better, _brighter_ with her nearby.

“Kylo?” She doesn’t know what she’s going to ask him. She just feels…like she should ask him _something_. 

“Mmmm?” he murmurs and she jerks slightly as his lips come in contact with her neck.

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why are you really here?”

He says nothing for a moment and then there’s a small huff of laughter. “No, _you’re_ here. It’s my kriffing dream.”

“I mean why are you _here_? With us? And not with…them?” She doesn’t want to bring up Snoke, doesn’t want to bring up the First Order. She’s heard his reason before. But it doesn’t ring true. Not anymore.

She doesn’t know why she’s asking it, really. What she expects of this dream Kylo. Any answer he supplies will be out of her own imagination. And she _has_ imagined it, has wondered, has come up with any number of explanations for why he followed his father that day.

“I don’t know,” he murmurs against her.

“You do,” she insists. “I know you do.” He stays silent and she has no idea what makes her do it, but she rolls over to face him. And now it _is_ intimate. His face is mere inches from hers and she’s surprised to hear him let out a small gasp. Her eyes trail down to his parted lips and then back up to his eyes. The arm that’s over her draws her just a little bit closer.

“Rey,” he whispers and she can feel his breath fan out across her face, just a small bit of air that hits her.

_It feels so damned real_.

“I don’t,” he insists and she knows, _she knows_ , that he’s not being honest. Not with her. And certainly not with himself.

“Maybe you’ll face it eventually,” she says.

And then the scene shifts and she’s in her own bed. She can still feel the phantom sensation of his arm over her, can still feel his breath, hot on her face. She shivers as she pulls the thin cover over herself and drifts back off to sleep.

* * *

He wakes up and he doesn’t know what time it is or where he even is. Groaning, he shifts in his bed and glances at the clock on the small table at his bedside.

It’s still early.

_What was that dream?_

Kylo Ren has never been one for touch, for cuddling. But then _she_ appeared. _Rey_. And all he can think of is how lovely she looked in the dim light of his quarters, how good she smelled, and how much he just wanted to wrap himself around her.

_Is this real?_ she had asked

He doesn’t know. It _felt_ real. It still feels less a dream and more _something_. She had been substantial in his arms, not a phantom. He remembers feeling her slight curves pulled tight against him, remembers seeing her eyes staring into his, so curious there in the dark of night. Asking questions he cannot answer, asking questions she probably doesn’t really want the answers to.

He needs to talk to his kriffing uncle. That’s probably the crux of it. There’s no one alive who knows more about the Force than Luke Skywalker. There are no other masters, no tradition dating back thousands of years. Not anymore. There had been Luke. And Kylo. And the students that are either dead or scattered to the ends of the galaxy by Snoke.

Strange how the creature never had much use for any other Force users. He’d pitted Kylo against the rest of them, rasping laugh following them as they fought each other for some sort of dominance.

Kylo had only won because of the strength of the Force in him. The others were sensitive, some even quite skilled, but it hadn’t come quite so innately, nor at such a young age, as it did for Ben Solo. He had handily defeated them all, a few left for dead, and the others banished to worlds he’d never heard of.

_My young apprentice_.

He was the only one left.

Until now. Until he delved into the mind of one as strong as himself, whose latent Force abilities were buried _so kriffing deeply_ that even he hadn’t been aware of them.

He is now.

He’s aware of _everything_ about her. And that kriffing _dream_. Kylo has never been close to anyone. At the academy, he was kept separate at first due to his lineage. He was revered and then reviled for it.

And then he was kept separate due to his darkness. Snoke had always been there, just below the surface, and while the other students hadn’t known what he was struggling with, hadn’t known the fights inside his own mind that took place on a near daily basis, they recognized there was _something_ there.

So there had been no games of Spin the Lightsaber, as there had been for other students. There had been no midnight trysts as he came of age, no assignations in the forests surrounding the academy. He had caught more than one pair of students copulating in the fields. He’d been, quite frankly, disgusted by it. The sounds, the smells, the way their bodies slapped together as they took their pleasure in the middle of a field.

It was a flawed viewpoint, for sure. And one that he’s only just now coming to realize exactly _how_ flawed it was because she felt _so good_ in his arms. It might have been a dream, but he can _feel_ it, the warmth and light of another human being that he’s never felt before, never imagined he’d _want_ to feel before.

_Rey_ … _kriff_. She hates him. He’s sure of it. Trying to cut him down to save Luke Skywalker of all people, always just on the edge of anger. Oh, he’s sure she’d just as soon as _kill_ him as she would crawl into bed with him willingly. She’s light side, to be sure. He can see it shining out of every pore. But it’s shot through with a vein of darkness that he seems to ultimately be the cause of. And he’s not sure if that makes him sad or angry or something else. There are emotions there, brimming somewhere just below the surface. And the reality is he doesn’t _want_ to take them out and examine them.

With a sigh, he pushes himself out of bed. It had been a dream. A lovely one, to be sure, but just a dream. It’s time to hit the fresher, find something to eat, maybe meditate.

It’s going to take every bit of control he has to face his uncle. But he needs answers. As he spends more time close to Rey, he finds that whatever connection they seemed to have forged is growing stronger. Now she’s invading his dreams and it felt _real_.

This can’t keep happening.

He needs to cut off whatever this _thing_ is.

As he steps into the fresher, strips down, he can’t help but wonder why the thought of slicing through the threads of their connection causes his heart to drop into his stomach.

* * *

Rey steps out of her cabin and she doesn’t feel refreshed _at all_. Her sleep had certainly been dreamless after the strange dream featuring a cuddling Kylo Ren, but she still feels like she’d barely slept a wink that night. Standing under the water of her fresher hadn’t helped much either. She feels more awake, but still just _off_.

And then she almost walks right into him as soon as she steps out of her cabin. Of course she does. His hands come up to steady her, but drop when she lets out a small hiss and steps back.

“Rey,” he says and there’s color on his high cheekbones that’s not normally there. His eyes meet hers and there’s something there, in the furrow of his brow, in the wide eyes, that makes her suck in a deep breath.

“Oh Force,” she murmurs. “You had it too.”

“Had it?”

“The dream.”

He takes a small step backward and for a moment he looks like a hunted thing. And then he’s stepping forward and this time when he grips her by the shoulders, she doesn’t back off. His eyes bore into hers, searching for _something_. What that might be she doesn’t know, but he clearly sees something because he drops his hands a moment later and leans back against the wall, his eyes shutting.

“Turn around,” he mutters.

“What? “ Her voice is sharper than she intended.

“Just…please?”

“Are you trying to hide something…?”

“Kriff, Rey. Just _turn around_.” The words are shouted at her and even he cringes at how loud they are.

She finally does and is surprised to feel him sweep the hair away that’s hanging limply down her neck. He sucks in a quick breath almost as soon as he does, dropping his hand as if he had touched fire.

“What is going on?” she asks as she turns back to him.

He’s pale, paler than usual. All color that had been on his cheeks gone and his eyes look haunted and strange. “It wasn’t a dream,” he chokes out.

“Wasn’t…what are you talking about?” She can feel her stomach starting to tie in knots.

“It…you were there. I don’t know how. But you were there. In my quarters. In my _bed_.” The last is said on a harsh whisper.

“That’s not possible.”

“How did you get there?”

“I wasn’t there. It’s not possible!” she shouts at him.

His hands come out, reach out for her, but she takes a step back and he’s left standing there, hands clenching and unclenching in the air. As if he’s actually gripping her arms. “I don’t know how it’s possible. But you were there.”

“How do you…”

“There’s a mole,” he says, the words tight. “Just at the base of your hair on the back of your neck. I’ve never seen it before. But I saw it _last night_.”

“You’re lying.”

He takes a deep breath. “I wish I were. Rey, we’re connected. In some way.”

“You’re serious.” She doesn’t need to ask the question. He is. She can see it written all over his face. She can _feel_ it.

He nods.

“What _is_ this thing?” Her voice breaks on the last syllable and she cringes. She doesn’t know if she should be horrified, scared, or something else entirely, something she’s not sure she even wants to explore. She barely understands the Force. Kylo was just beginning to teach her about it. But she’s somehow _tied_ to him and she doesn’t know how.

“Luke was researching it,” he admits.

“You know what this is.” _Kriff_ , he knows. The slight color returning to his cheeks, the way he won’t quite meet her eyes. He knows and he wasn’t going to tell her.

“I _think_ …maybe…”

“And what do you _think_ this is?”

She feels a flash of annoyance that fades away quickly to fear. “There’s this _thing_. It’s not very common. It doesn’t _happen_ this way.” The last is said with a slash of his hand.

“What _is_ it?” She barely gets the word out through clamped together teeth.

“A Force bond.” The words come tumbling out of his mouth. “I think we created a Force bond.”

“What? How?” She doesn’t know what one is, but it can’t be good, not if it connects them in such a way.

“When we got into each other’s heads. It had to be that. It can’t have been anything else.”

She remembers that all too well, those moments of his sliding through her mind, like oil slicking through her memories, thick and dark. And then hers sliding into his, the knife edge that cut through everything he tried to hide.

Just before he’d pulled himself out of her mind and forced her out of his, there had been this _feeling_. A sort of bowstring pulled taut that suddenly snapped. And then she’d been out, breathing hard and watching him rush from the room.

“That moment,” he says, taking a step or two toward her. He reaches up and his hand lightly brushes her cheek. “Rey,” he whispers, his voice breaking on the single syllable of her name.

She doesn’t know what’s happening, what this is or what he is to her anymore, but there’s _something_ , something in this bond between them that flows free and strong. She moves toward him, far faster than she intended, catches him off guard. And then her hands are on either side of his face and his come up as a mirror to hers and her lips crash against his.

Or his against hers.

She’ll never be quite sure who exactly initiated it.

He wraps his arms around her shoulders, hauling her tight up against him. Her arms go around him, pulling him down closer to her.

It’s not a _good_ kiss, she’s sure. Not that she really has any idea what a _good_ kiss is. His lips are a little too stiff against hers and their teeth knock together when they first collide. She gasps with surprise, her mouth opening beneath his. She can’t help but think of the scavengers she’d caught doing such a thing, pressed up against walls, hiding in the dark alleys of Niima Outpost. She remembers finding it disgusting as a child and then intriguing as she got older, watching their open mouths and the way their tongues touched.

He groans and sweeps his tongue into her mouth, almost as if he read her thoughts.

_Maybe he did_ , comes the unbidden thought.

But then she’s overwhelmed by _him_ and she can’t think any more, as she touches her tongue to his and his arms tighten on her, and she just wants _more_. More of him, more of this. For just a moment she sees them transposed over the scavengers pressed against the wall, his body pumping into hers like she’s seen on Jakku.

And then he’s tearing himself away from her with a gasp. “Rey.” Her name comes out half like a prayer and half like he’s in pain.

She pulls back from him, drops her arms to wrap them around herself. “Kylo,” she murmurs.

He says nothing, just stares at her, and she can’t help but focus on his lips, a little redder than usual. They’re parted and he’s breathing hard, as if he’s just fought off a hundred Stormtroopers instead of kissing her nearly senseless.

He takes a step toward her and she breaks then, shaking her head, and turning to rush back into her cabin, the door sliding shut behind her a note of finality.

_What the kriff just happened?_


	17. Chapter 17

She doesn’t leave her cabin for some hours. She spends the time alternately reliving what just happened and trying to find a way to push it from her mind.

 _This can’t be happening_.

She’s not really a girl who imagined what her first kiss might be like. It had been an intriguing concept and she supposed that maybe someday she might be interested in doing such a thing. But it wasn’t something she actively ever contemplated. She had to get through her day, find what she could, salvage it to get her portions so she wouldn’t starve in the unforgiving desert.

Kissing, sex, they were luxuries for others. They weren’t for desert rats like her.

And yet here she was.

She’d been kissed.

 _No_.

She’d _kissed_ someone. She’s still not sure _who_ had started it. Who had moved toward the other first? How had it even happened? They’d been talking about this _thing_. This _bond_. And then… _that_.

There are so many things she wants to forget at that moment. The bond between them that allows her to appear where he is, that allows him to get into her mind and her into his. She started the whole thing, she realizes, if he’s right about how it formed. He’d been in plenty of people’s heads, including Poe’s. But her fighting back. _That_ hadn’t happened before. And somehow it…tied them together.

 _This can’t be happening_.

The thought goes around and around in her head.

 _This can’t be happening_.

Not with _him_ of all people. Not with Kylo Ren. Snoke’s pet. First Order minion.

 _Resistance fighter_.

She supposes he is that now, at least. He’s firmly entrenched in their side, using the Falcon and his abilities to draw off and then confuse the First Order. She had wanted to trust him before, had insisted they could, but there was always a tiny part deep inside her that wondered if he was right, if they really could. And now?

Now she’s starting to truly believe she _can_. And frankly, that scares her. Because if she can trust him, then she’s going to have to face…

 _No_.

There’s nothing to face.

Nothing happened.

She steps into the cockpit later that day to find Kylo focused on, well, _nothing_ so much as she can see. He’s staring out the viewport, at the still stars that surround them. He’s fiddling absent-mindedly with the controls, flipping one switch up and down and then up and down again. Over and over, as if somehow that will fix everything.

“We need to find the Resistance,” she says and winces at just how loud her voice sounds there in the quiet of the cockpit.

Kylo turns quickly, stumbling to his feet as he stares at her. “Rey,” he says and she’s surprised at just how breathless he sounds. “I…um…that is…”

She cuts him off as she takes her seat, turning away from the stammering mess he’s become. “They’ll find a frequency to broadcast that’s encrypted. If we can find the broadcast, I can decrypt it.”

“ _Rey_ ,” he says, his voice a little stronger.

She doesn’t look at him, just fiddles with some of the controls. The radio crackles to life, an irritating staticky thing that stops him from saying anything else. For the moment at least.

He says her name again and this time he reaches out and puts a hand over hers. She snatches hers back like she’d been burned and finally looks at him. There’s an intensity to his eyes that wasn’t there before and she feels _something_ flowing through the bond to her. She attempts to clamp it shut, stop that ability of it to transfer to her. “It never happened,” she snaps at him.

There.

Maybe it will be something they can just block out of their minds.

But no, she can see the thunderous look on Kylo’s face as the words come out of her mouth and she cringes a little. And then his face schools itself back into that carefully neutral expression she’s coming to detest. “It never happened.” His voice is flat, but there’s still something, an undercurrent there. Shock, anger…and…hurt. Yes, she can feel that coming through the bond for just one fleeting moment before she manages to shut it down again.

Why would he feel so hurt? It’s not like it _meant_ anything. Did it?

Her own traitorous heart reminds her that she had never _wanted_ to kiss someone before. But she _wanted_ that. And for a moment she sees herself slammed up against the wall, legs wrapped around Kylo’s waist as he kisses her completely senseless against the wall of the Falcon. She can still feel the swipe of his tongue against hers, the slight pain as they moved in too quickly and their teeth clacked together.

_No…_

“Kylo, please.” She doesn’t even know what she’s begging for, really, but the words tumble out of her mouth nonetheless.

“It never happened,” he repeated again.

“Can’t we just forget about it?”

He grimaces and there’s a small part of her that feels some sort of sympathy for him.

“I don’t know if I can do that.”

“It’s just a kiss,” she tosses back at him, but she knows the truth of that. It wasn’t _just_ anything. If she had kissed one of those scavengers back on Jakku because she wondered what it felt like. _That_ would have been just a kiss. But no, this was with Kylo Ren, former apprentice of Snoke, son of Han Solo and Leia Organa, nephew of Luke Skywalker. He’s practically a damned prince and she knows, somewhere further inside herself, in those far reaches of her psyche that she’d rather not examine, that it was far more than _just_ a kiss.

“I’m not sure I agree with that. I don’t know if I can forget it,” he mutters, and he won’t meet her eyes. His flit everywhere but to her, watching the controls, the com line that’s nothing more than static, the viewport. And then he finally turns away from her to start flipping through frequencies, looking to see if there’s anything he can pick up.

Rey breathes a sigh of relief, though she’s sure the tension in his shoulders speak to his likely bringing this all back up _sometime_.

“You have to,” she says. “We can’t let… _that_ …get to us.”

He nods and they fall into a silence that’s not quite companionable. She still feels her words ringing in the air around them, still feels his anger. It’s there in the set of his shoulders and the way a muscle keeps ticking in his jaw.

“I’ll just keep going through frequencies,” he says, still not looking at her. “You’re not needed here.”

She knows a dismissal when she hears it and so beats a hasty retreat before he can say another word.

* * *

He feels her leave more than sees it and for a moment, he just keeps flipping the switches on the dash. There’s no sign of the Resistance. Not yet. But it doesn’t matter. There’s a small part of him that’s breaking apart.

He doesn’t know if he wants to scream.

Or take his fist to something.

Or worse, grab his lightsaber and lay waste to the entire cockpit of the Falcon.

 _If you do that, you’ll be stranded_ , his more rational side says. He knows that side is right, too. And right now he wants _off_ this damned ship. Too many memories. And now _this_. He didn’t know he was going to do it. He still isn’t even sure _he_ was the one to make the first move.

They’d just been there.

Connected.

The bond flowing freely in and around them and it had just happened. If he really went deep, really looked inside himself, he’d probably realize he’d wanted to kiss her damned near forever. He’d been fascinated by her from the moment she resisted his trying to slide into her mind. He’d felt her presence, there on Takodana, long before he tracked her down. This bright, shining _thing_ that he knew he must find.

And worse, she felt _familiar_. When she’d been in his arms, head tucked in close to his shoulder, warm and pliant, he was sure he’d been there before. She had just felt _right_.

And she had felt _right_ pressed against him, her lips on his. _Force_ , but he had no idea what to do with a woman, how to kiss her, how to make it _good_ for her. He’d gone only with what he’d seen on the occasional holovid he’d watched, and what Rey’s raw emotions had spoken to.

He never _knew_ it could be like that.

And she wanted to forget it, pretend it never happened. He runs his hands through his hair, already messy from her earlier assault on his locks. He knows he must look a fright. _His first kiss_ and she wants to just pretend the damned thing never happened.

He spends the next day avoiding her. He keeps an eye on the comms when it’s his turn in the cockpit, flipping through channels and trying to find any evidence of where the Resistance might be. They’ll be looking for them eventually, sending out encrypted messages to the frequencies the Falcon tends to use. And so he scans them. Over and over, looking for any possible lead.

They’re not quite sitting ducks out where they are, but they will be if they stay put for too long. He just has to wait for them to find them. And then they can go home.

 _Home_. He supposes it is that at least. His family is there, as much as he wanted to push them far away. And Rey. She’s there too. He just wishes he knew what she _was_ to him exactly. _Pretend it didn’t happen_.

But there’s still a look in her eyes when he catches her watching him. A little soft, it hardens as soon as his eyes meet hers. A part of him feels like he should apologize, but remembers she wants to _forget it_ and so stops himself before he can say a word.

They eat in silence, trade off posts in silence, and it’s _getting to him_. He can’t say there had been any great camaraderie before the kiss, but something had been there. They had worked well together and this _bond_ , whatever it is they have, is something he knows they should continue to explore.

He doesn’t know how they’ll do that, not if she won’t even speak to him. “Anything?” he asks the next time he steps into the cockpit.

She startles a little at the sound of his voice, and finally glances over her shoulder. “I feel like I almost had it. There was something. But it was too faint to get ahold of.” She stands and stretches and he watches her, feeling a little like a lecher for admiring her lithe form as it moves against her clothing.

 _It never happened_.

If only he could believe that.

She pushes past him and the slight brushing of her form against his has him wrapping his arms tight around himself. It’s almost _painful_ , knowing he can’t reach out and touch her, that she doesn’t want this.

That she doesn’t want _him_.

“Rey,” he starts to say and she shoots him a look.

“Just keep an eye on the comms. I’m going to get some sleep.”

And then she’s gone. With a sigh, Kylo sits in the seat she so recently vacated. There’s still warmth there and he tries not to think too hard about the feel of her body against his and how much he wants to relive that damned kiss.

Kriff, it’s going to be a _long_ night.

* * *

She can’t sleep, tossing and turning and _remembering_.

 _Kriff_.

She hadn’t meant to kiss him. The thought hadn’t even crossed her mind. _Great, Rey, now you’re lying to yourself_. Alright, the thought had been there, pushed into the back of her mind somewhere. Ever since he’d knocked her to the ground in that sparring match and she’d felt the heat of his body so close to hers, been trapped by him as they both breathed hard from their exertions.

It had been there, haunting her, really almost since she first laid eyes on him. _A creature in a mask_. And he’d turned out to be _Kylo_ , with his thick, dark hair and intense eyes, and features that were all somehow _off_ and yet came together to form a perfectly imperfect whole. She even liked those damned big ears of his.

 _Just stop._ She told him it never happened, told him to not think about it. And yet she can’t seem to do the same, can’t push those thoughts completely from her mind.

She’s pacing the confines of her quarters, considering getting out and working out some of the energy, but she’s afraid to face him.

And she supposes that’s the reality of it.

She’s scared. Frightened of any sort of intimacy. She wants to believe that he’s here for good, that he won’t fall back to the dark side, to _Snoke_. But she’s not sure of that. Even _he_ is not sure of that. He’s walked a dark road and he might be here now, trying to walk the path of the light, but there’s still so much anger, so much _hate_ and _fear_ deep inside him that she’s not sure he’ll never step fully into the light.

_Is that what you really need?_

With a huff, she sits back down on the bed. She needs to _sleep_ , not go round and round in her head about what happened and where Kylo stands and just what the kriffing hell is going on.

She rolls over onto her side, tries to clear her head, breathing deeply and focusing her mind on nothing. Her thoughts still, her eyes drift shut. With a sigh, the world goes blank around her.

* * *

She wakes some time later. Or at least, she thinks she wakes up. She’s _aware_ at least. And what she’s most is aware of is something pressing up against her back, something wrapped tightly around her.

Her eyes open.

There’s an arm there.

And she’d scream, shove away. But she _knows_ who is there. There can be no one else. And so here, in her dream, she sighs and burrows just a little closer to him. It’s a dream after all. It _has_ to be. And what harm can a dream do?

He mumbles something into her neck and she stretches herself against him, feeling all the hard planes of his body as they come in contact with her.

He groans and pulls her tighter against him, his arm tightening around her waist. His hand draws lazy circles against her stomach, the heat of it even through the thin material of her nightshirt making her want…want… _something_.

She tries not to think on it as she places her hand over his. Her hand feels tiny next to his. _She_ feels tiny all wrapped up in him. And she’s not a small woman. She towers over the general and Rose, and finds herself looking down at most of the other women. Only Admiral Holdo is taller than her.

But Kylo makes her feel tiny. “You can touch…” she hears her dream self say and hears his intake of breath.

“You know this isn’t a dream?” he asks.

“It must be a dream. You’re manning the comms.” She traces patterns on the back of his hand and when he hesitates, she pulls his hand up and sets it on one of her breasts.

“Rey,” he says against her neck and she can feel his lips graze the skin there, can feel his hot breath against her.

“You only come to me in dreams.”

“When your guard is down.”

“Yes. So I know you’re not really here. You can touch me.” In the light of day, she won’t admit that’s what she wants. _Can’t_ admit it. But here in the dark of her room with her dream version of Kylo, she can. Here he’s the Resistance fighter she can trust, someone who always has her back.  Here’s he’s harmless, not the Dark side warrior who took her prisoner, not the Dark Jedi who almost murdered his own father at Snoke’s behest. No, here he is _hers_.

He cups her breast, but doesn’t move his hand further, just breathes harsh puffs of air against the back of her neck, presses chaste kisses that make her blood sing.

“Rey,” he says again.

“Can we not talk at all right now?”

His hand leaves her breast and in one quick motion, he’s pulling her around to face him. “ _Rey_.” Her name comes sharper from his lips this time. “This is not a dream.”

“It _is_ ,” she says and leans up to kiss him, soft and almost chaste. His lips part beneath hers but she doesn’t explore it any further, pulling back to look at him. “If it weren’t a dream, would I do that?”

“Why would you do that in a dream?”

“I don’t know,” she admits and kisses him again. She likes the way his lips feel against hers. Soft and warm and just a little bit wet.

He allows it for a moment, lets her tangle her hands in that soft hair of his, lets her trace the shape of one of his ridiculous ears with a finger. And then he pulls away again.

“Kylo…” she starts to say.

He stops her with a kiss, more intense then the last, his tongue swiping into her mouth for just a moment. She melts into it, but it’s over almost before it begins. “Ben,” he says and she pulls back to look at him. There’s an intensity in his eyes and one of his hands comes up to trace down the side of her cheek. She moves her head into his hand as he cups her chin. He kisses her again. “I want to hear my real name on your lips when I make you mine…”

 And then he’s gone.

She comes awake with a start, heart beating fast, breathing erratic. _When I make you mine_ …

Stumbling out of her quarters, she doesn’t even think to grab for her robe. She has to see, has to know. Is he awake, asleep? Was it a dream or some other manifestation of whatever this _bond_ is that’s between them?

She finds him in the cockpit, exactly where she’s left him. She whispers his name, but he doesn’t turn around. He’s slumped there, his head lolling to the side. And even from where she’s standing, she can see that his breathing is even.

He’s asleep.

_And if he’s asleep…_

It doesn’t warrant thinking on. She _can’t_ think on it. Taking a deep breath, she creeps back out of the cockpit and returns to her quarters.

Sleep doesn’t come easily for the rest of the night as her mind races through all the possibilities, the explanations, the _futures_ that are possible and _impossible_.

She finally drifts back off to sleep around four in the morning, her sleep troubled by dreams that she can’t remember the next morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry...you didn't think I'd make it THAT easy for them, right? ;-)


	18. Chapter 18

He stiffens when he hears her enter the cockpit that morning. He remembers the night before all too well. Curled up with her, breathing in time with her. He can still feel her in his arms. Substantial and yet _not_ at the same time.

This… _bond_ …this, whatever it is, is as frightening as it is exhilarating. He’s not someone who has ever been close to anyone. Not his parents. They tried, oh did they try, but still they kept him at arm’s length, somehow recognizing _Vader_ in their strange, black-haired boy. And certainly not with Snoke, who damned with faint praise and more often than not sent electricity racing through his body as punishment.

Often not even for something he understood.

_You will in time, my apprentice_.

Snoke had a plan. He’s sure of it. But he’s never been privy to it, always just getting hints, waiting on the outskirts for that something great that Snoke promised him. Sometime he’ll understand. Someday he’ll be brought into the fold and given all the details that he doesn’t know.

But now it doesn’t matter.

Snoke’s plan is…maybe not erroneous. That’s not the right word. It’s still important. It still could mean disaster for him and everyone he comes into contact with. But he’s no longer his apprentice. He’s no longer _anyone’s_ apprentice.

_Would you take her on?_ comes the thought, unbidden, into his mind. _Make her your apprentice?_

But he is no master. Neither Jedi nor Sith, he’s not even sure what he is. _Who_ he is. He’s offered to teach her but he’s a kriffing fraud. What does he know anyway? Lightsaber forms, surely. But he’s terrified to explore whatever this disastrous bond they’ve formed is. He knows his uncle is researching it, but he’s torn between wanting to explore and feel their own way through it and hoping Luke discovers something, maybe even a way to set them free.

Why that makes his heart freeze, he doesn’t know.

“Anything?” she asks as she comes to sit in the co-pilot’s chair. He barely spares her a glance, and it’s apparent she’s trying to look everywhere but at him.

Last night had been… a joy…he supposes. He doesn’t get to say that often. There is little joy in the life of Kylo Ren. Fear and anger, certainly, the “path to the dark side” and all that. But life in the First Order is not a joyous one. But here? Now? Feeling her close to him, kissing him, letting him hold her?

He really has no idea what’s going on, but it felt right and it felt good. And so little does in his life that he wants to hold onto it with everything he has.

“Nothing,” he says, his voice tight.

She says nothing else for a moment and when he turns to look at her, she’s staring out the viewport, her eyes somewhat unfocused, a furrow between her brows. “I’ll take over.”

“Rey,” he starts to say.

“Kylo, don’t.” And there’s a warning behind the words. He doesn’t know what to say to it and so clamps his lips shut. “Just go get some sleep. I’ll wake you if I hear from anyone.”

He nods then and leaves. He needs the fresher. He needs _sleep_. He’s not been getting much lately, not with her showing up in his room through whatever strange bond that’s been forged between them. He’d even nodded off in the cockpit when he was supposed to be watching. He’s not one for being unobservant, not one for not being on guard all the time. He’s had to. Keep an eye on Hux, keep an eye on Snoke, keep an eye on them _all_ for fear they’ll do him in.

For fear _someone_ will be there in the middle of the night. Lightsaber raised, blaster raised. He knows that Snoke, at least, wouldn’t steal into his quarters at night to murder him in his sleep. That’s not his way. Death at Snoke’s hand would come with him fully aware, lightning streaking through his veins. Snoke has come close a few times, but always pulls back at the last minute with some admonition about his _apprentice_ needing to learn a lesson.

But Hux? He knows Hux has been gunning for him for years. He would put nothing past him, nor past any assassins he might try to hire. It’s not like he hadn’t done it at least once. The man had been quickly dispatched but no one, _no one_ , would dare try to murder someone so powerful without good incentive. He’d just been some random Stormtrooper.

With a sigh, he heads to his quarters. Sleep won’t come easy and he’s looking forward to getting back to whatever base the Resistance finds, resetting his clock to match what his body says is correct time.

* * *

He leaves and she breathes a sigh of relief.

He leaves and she shivers and wonders just _what_ last night was.

_It’s not a dream, Rey_.

She knows this, somehow, deep inside. It’s _not_. None of this has been. They’re connected in some strange way, floating into each other’s presence when their guard is down. And last night her guard _had_ been down. Far down. She’s turned to him for comfort and something more, wrapped herself around him and kissed him. Like the kiss they’d shared the other night, but softer somehow.

She can still feel his lips on hers.

And she’s not sure what to think of that.

She still doesn’t know if she’s asleep when it happens or awake. She feels aware of her surroundings, aware of _him_ , and at the same time there’s this sense of floating, silence, the world around her hushed and waiting. It’s a little hazy, as if she’s seeing her world through gauzy curtains.

But then there are the nightmares and their almost painful crystal clarity.

She barely knows what’s real anymore and what’s not. And that scares her more than anything. More than the First Order. More than Snoke. Her mind and her feelings are all a jumble that she can’t untangle, can’t define.

But more and more the only time she feels _right_ is when she’s at his side.

She spends the next several hours flipping through their channels, trying to make contact with the Resistance. Most of it’s static, but every once in awhile she thinks she hears a snippet of something. A familiar voice, but words she can’t make out.

Kylo returns after only a few hours and slumps in the chair next to her. His hair is askew, dark circles beneath his eyes. She wants to smooth the hair back but instead just gives him a sardonic look. “You look like hell.”

His eyes widen as he watches her and she really tries not to smile. She really shouldn’t laugh, but the stress is starting to get to her. “I feel it,” he finally mutters.

“There’s caf…” she starts to say.

“I haven’t had that crap in years,” he interrupts her with.

“Seriously? How did you…” She’s not sure what she was going to ask exactly. The radio crackles and she’s on it in an instant, pressing a button and speaking into the microphone. “Hello?” There’s another crackle. But no words. She tries again and then it fades. “Kriff,” she says and smacks the dashboard.

“Careful,” Kylo says. “The whole ship might fall apart.”

“It’s put up with you,” she shoots back with.

He just smirks and holds his hands up. “Touché.”

She nods, going back to her radio. “Kylo?” she says after a few minutes of silence.

“Yes?” There’s a strange tightness to the word and she looks over at him. His shoulders are tense, his eyes watching her carefully.

“This Force bond?” She asks, and he nods, eyes never leaving her. “What _is_ it?”

He sucks in a deep breath and lets it all out at once. “I don’t know. Not exactly.” She starts to speak and he holds up a hand. “I’ve heard of it, that’s all. My mother talked often of being able to tell when Luke was in trouble and once being able to track him to where he was so they could rescue him.”

“She didn’t talk of…seeing him?” The words are tentative, acknowledging something she doesn’t really want to acknowledge.

“So you know it wasn’t a dream.”

Dream or nightmare? Reality or some world deep in her conscience? She can still feel the warmth of his body, can still feel his hair and the sweep of his tongue against hers. She shivers and wraps her arms around herself. “I don’t know.” There’s misery behind the words. Misery and terror. “I don’t even know what’s real anymore.”

“I’m real,” he says and there’s a fervency behind the words. He almost reaches out to her. _Almost_. She sees his hand twitch, raise up slightly, before coming back to rest on his thigh.

Rey has no idea what to say to that.

The radio crackles again and Rey jumps. “Ben?” comes the voice through it.

“Leia,” Rey whispers.

Kylo pushes forward and hits the button of the dash. “Mother?”

“Oh thank the Force!” comes Leia’s voice, stronger this time. “I found him!” This said, obviously, to someone else. She can hear a response that sounds a bit like Poe, but it’s hard to tell as the radio crackles and screeches again. “You’re ok?”

“Yes,” comes his terse reply.

“Is Rey with him?” Those words she can hear clearly from someone else. Finn, she thinks, and feels a little bit of her worries unclench. Finn is still alive. Her first friend. He’s stayed with the Resistance, even though seeing Kylo on base all the time made him want to run for the hills. He’s a _good_ friend and she can hear the frantic tone to his voice.

“I am,” she says as she leans toward the microphone. She can’t help the smile, but when she glances over at Kylo, there’s a dark look on his face as he leans back and crosses his arms over his chest. She’s hit with a wave of _something_. She can’t quite define it, but it’s dark, tinged with something she can almost grasp but can’t quite get her mind twisted around.

It’s gone in an instant.

She hears some shouts coming from the line and there’s another crackle. When Leia speaks again, her voice is a little more garbled and Rey is afraid they’re going to lose them. “Where are you?”

“We’re on the Falcon,” Kylo says.

“We figured as much. But _where_?” Her voice gets clearer for the moment and Rey releases the breath she’d been holding.

Rey looks to Kylo and he nods. “The Unknown Regions somewhere,” she finally answers with.

“We all saw you draw off the ship.” That’s spoken quietly.

“That was Rey,” Kylo says, almost too quickly, eyes flitting to her for a moment.

She starts to say something but he shoots her a look and she remembers what he’s told her before. He’ll lie, he’ll claim it was _her_. He doesn’t want to take credit for what could never have been _her_. She may be Force sensitive, but she doesn’t _know_ the Force. She never could have done what he did.

“Way to go, Rey!” she hears Finn shout in the background.

“That was some mighty fancy flying.” That’s Poe.

“It…it was.” She glares at Kylo as she says the words. She won’t let them believe it for long. They deserve to know, after all, what he did to save them all.

“Are you safe?” Kylo finally says, putting an end to any speculation over Rey’s piloting abilities.

“Safe enough,” comes his mother’s reply.

“Where are you?”

There’s silence after his words and she can almost feel the shift coming from the other side. The line is a protected one. But _how_ protected? The First Order can track through ships hyperspace when not interrupted by the incredible Force powers Kylo displays. Could they break through their communications? So far nothing has been revealed, not exactly. The Unknown Regions are a massive part of the galaxy. Pinpointing the exact location of the Falcon would be next to impossible.

But the Resistance could be sitting ducks if they reveal their coordinates.

“That’s a bit of a problem,” Leia finally says.

“You can’t tell us,” Kylo says, his voice tight.

“No.”

Rey and Kylo exchange a look and she feels her stomach sinking. They can’t go back. They’re stuck together, out here in the Unknown Regions, until the Force knows when with only each other for companionship. Everything is already so tense there, where they cannot escape each other and their own dreams are creating some sort of stranglehold around their emotions.

But now this?

“I’m sorry,” Leia says, and Rey feels the honesty of the words coming from her. “We wanted to…”

“Wait,” Kylo interrupts with. He holds up a hand as Rey starts to say something. “There may be a way.”

And she can feel it, sense it. He _needs_ to get out of there. He’s like a caged animal, and if he spends much longer trapped on the Falcon with her, it’s going to set him so on edge that she’s sure he’s going to snap.

“What way?” That’s Poe. His voice is closer to the microphone now and she can feel his concern even across the comm line.

Kylo doesn’t respond, pressing his lips together, a muscle in his jaw twitching.

Leia says nothing for a moment either. “The Force,” she finally says.

“Like us?” Rey says. She doesn’t mean to say it out loud. No one knows about whatever this thing is with Kylo. No one, not even his mother, knows they’ve been able to communicate over the Force. It’s still so new to her, still such a strange and almost exhilarating things that she doesn’t _want_ to tell them.

“Yes.” The word sounds a bit choked out of him and she worries she’s revealed too much.

“Can you?” Leia says and for a moment, Rey fears she was talking to her.

“I think,” Kylo responds with. He closes his eyes then and Rey can feel the change in the air around her. Her skin tingles a little.

She can’t look away from him, so vulnerable there with his eyes shut. His hands grip the seat hard and his generous lips are pressed together tight. He’s a handsome man, she realizes, and maybe not for the first time. Unique, to be sure, which his sharp jawline and prominent nose and ears. But the way his dark hair frames his face, coming to sweep just below his chin, thick dark waves that she now knows are as soft as they look, the pale skin with those lips. He’s striking.

She’s still watching him when he lets out a gasp and she feels the tingles on her skin turn to a sharp pain.

She cries out and he falls heavily back against the seat. “It’s too far,” he murmurs.

“We can’t…”

“No,” he answers.

“We have to.”

“Well, we _can’t_.” He narrows his eyes on her and she feels exposed there, under his gaze. “Unless…”

He lets the word trail off, and for a moment she’s confused. But then she realizes.

He wants her to help.

“This will reveal…”

“The bond? Probably.” He shrugs at that. “She’s likely to find out anyway.”

Rey feels her cheeks color slightly. “Do you think it will work?”

“Honestly?” He offers up a shrug. “I don’t know. But it’s worth a shot.”

“Ben?” comes his mother’s voice and for a moment she forgot they’re all listening in. She can feel the color on her cheeks deepening.

“I have a plan, mother. Rey is…” He cuts off there, his eyes dark and serious on her. “I think Rey can help.”

He holds out a hand then and Rey just stares at it.  “What can I do?”

“Your strength,” he says by way of explanation. “Just take it.” He moves his hand closer to her and with some trepidation, she reaches across the divide. She hesitates for a moment and rather than taking her hand in his, he simply makes a gesture, opening the hand slightly and pushing it toward her.

She has to make the move.

His eyes are intent on her and when her eyes meet his, he gives a nod.

And then she crosses over, puts her hand in his. She gasps as their hands touch, a spark going through her, as if he’s ignited something within her.

She almost pulls back.

His hand tightens around hers.

“Don’t,” he whispers. And then – “Close your eyes.” She stares at him and is surprised to see him actually roll his eyes a bit at her. “Just _do_ it. I need you to be completely focused. Think of it as meditation with a purpose.”

She nods and finally does as he asks.

“Focus,” he says. “Just listen to me. I need you to concentrate for a moment.” She screws her eyes shut, feels him squeeze her hand almost in assurance. “Can you feel it?”

“Feel…”

“The Force. I know there’s a part of you that’s in tune with it. Go there, feel it. Around you. Around me. Around _everything_.”

She tries to clear her mind, takes a few deep breaths. As his other hand comes out to find hers, both tightening around her hands a bit, she becomes more of aware of _it_. Of the Force, she thinks. This feeling of life and death, growth and destruction, flowing around her.

“Yes,” comes his voice again. Quieter this time. “Grab onto it. Not with your hand,” he says before she can say anything else, and she’s surprised at the humor lacing the tone of his voice. “Stay with me, Rey.” She shivers at the sound of his voice wrapping around the single syllable of her name. There’s something in the way he says it that she can’t quite identify, but it’s both dark and light at the same time. “Just reach out like you did before, with your feelings, with _you_. Grasp ahold of it.”

She’s not even sure what he means, but she presses her mind outward, finds the current of the Force. It flows around her, through her. She can feel it dragging her along and so she does what he says, reaches out and grabs ahold of it.

“Good.” She’s surprised at his whisper. “Feel it. Ride the current to me.”

And then she’s there, just on the outskirts of his mind. She can feel _him_ , feel his fear and his worry and a love for his mother she knows he doesn’t want to admit. There’s something else there, hidden just below the surface. He pushes her away from that with an ease she envies.

_Later_ , comes the voice in her mind and she feels guilty. She’s only so connected to him because he needs her, because they need to get home.

_Right_.

_Good, you’re here. Grab hold of the Force, push it toward me. Keep your mind focused on me._

She does as he asks, keeping his face in her mind, the intense hooded eyes, the dark hair, even the ridiculous ears.

_Stop thinking about my kriffing ears_.

She snorts.

_Concentrate._

_Yes, master_.

His hands tighten briefly, almost painfully, before releasing. But she finally does as he asks, melding her mind into his. She can feel the moment she falls into that dark abyss, can feel it wind its way around her, pulling her in and keeping her held closely.

_Now push outward. With me…_

It moves through her, through him, she can feel the dark and the light and _completeness_. The bond they have sings around them, the Force seeming to thrill to their connection, to their working as one. For the moment they’re not at odds. They’re not enemies or even uneasy allies. They’re something more, some combined entity.

She’s not sure where she ends and he begins.

It should scare her.

It doesn’t.

She’s barely even aware of his making contact with his mother. She just gets an image coming through from him. Salt flats, covering red soil. A massive structure that seems out of place on the salt plains.

A single word, _Crait_ , comes through the bond just moments before it breaks apart and Rey is flung out of his mind.

“They’re on…”

“Don’t say it.”

She’d forgotten the line to Leia was still open and she feels her cheeks redden a bit.

“We’ll see you soon then?” Leia says and there’s a strange quality to her voice that Rey can’t quite identify.

“Indeed,” Kylo says.

“And Ben?”

“Yes.” He shudders, but doesn’t take his eyes off Rey as they both wait for his mother’s next words.

“You’ve got some explaining to do.”

He flinches and the line goes dead.

A lot of explaining, indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll notice I've added a final chapter count to this. It's currently an estimate. This is what I have outlined. More than once, I've had to split a chapter into two as my ideas got too long or something else needed to happen. So it's possible it could push upward a bit from there. But I'm nearing the end of writing this and so have a clearer picture of where it's going and how long it's going to take to get there.


	19. Chapter 19

The flight to Crait is longer than she had hoped it would be. The planet is on the Outer Rim, so a part of her mind says it shouldn’t be that far away. But it is. Their hyperspace jumps have taken them far out into the galaxy, out into the Unknown Territories somewhere. The planet they’ve been orbiting they know by nothing more than a number designating its location.

Kylo tells her it will take a few days to make their way to the planet the Resistance is holed up on, perhaps even a little longer as they need to be careful to avoid any places the First Order has a stronghold in. She knows he’s right. She _does_. But she still doesn’t like it. And without needing to man the communication lines, she feels a little lost. There’s nothing to _do_ except sit back and wait.

And it’s worse than just the boredom.

Kylo wants to _talk_.

Oh, he doesn’t say as much. But he comes to sit in the cockpit with her, offers her rations and brings up fairly inane topics. She can feel the rest of his thoughts buzzing around them though, like an incessant fly that just won’t leave you alone.

Their connection.

The _kiss_.

She can feel his confusion, his need to know something more about it. Sometimes she can feel his mind pressing against hers, and she avoids it at every turn, pushing him out in some rudimentary use of the Force. She doesn’t find herself in his quarters in that strange state somewhere between dreams and waking, at least. She’s thankful for that brief respite.

“Rey?” he murmurs on the second day.

She turns to glance at him. There are dark circles under his eyes and his hair is somewhat askew. Carefully brushed down over his ears, she notes, but still he looks far less put together than he usually does. He’s freshly shaved and she can’t stop her eyes from flitting down to his lips and _remembering_.

“Kylo…” She doesn’t know what to say to him and so makes a small noise of frustration somewhere in the back of her throat.. “Can’t we just…”

“Forget about it?” One of his eyebrows is arched and there’s a small sneer to his lips. “ _You_ can’t. Why should I?”

“I can.”

“Really?” He crosses his arms over his chest and she has to stop herself from watching the way his muscles move as he does. Instead she keeps her eyes trained on _his_. “No, you can’t. That’s why you’re avoiding me.”

“I’m not avoiding you. We just have nothing to talk about.” The misbegotten prince of his people, a scavenger from a backwater planet like Jakku. They’re as dissimilar as two people could be. And still, Kylo watches her with a look that says he doesn’t believe her.  “ _That_ was nothing,” she mutters, almost more to herself than to him. She cringes inwardly as the words come out. There’s no truth behind the words. She knows this. But _oh_ does she want there to be. This is Kylo Ren, murderer of innocents, the _Jedi Killer_. How can she forget what they call him? What he _is_? How can she tumble into bed with him through whatever weird bond they’ve formed? How can she kiss him, when he’s _that_?

A traitorous part of her reminds herself that he _was_ that. What he is now is still up for debate. She’s not sure anyone, including Kylo himself, knows who he is now. There are times she catches him watching out the viewport to the stars beyond, and he looks far more lost child than Jedi Killer.

Who _is_ he now?

She’s not sure she wants the answer to that. Because facing that answer means facing whatever part of her is drawn to him, whatever part is connected to him in some strange way.

She’s surprised to see him sigh and lean forward slightly, shoulders slumping. “Ok,” he finally says and there’s a strange bent to the word. “You win. It was nothing.”

He’s gone a moment later and she tries to pretend she can’t hear the sound of his fist hitting the wall as he exits.

* * *

Their arrival at Crait is greeted with more relief than excitement. When they step through the open door of the Falcon, there’s silence. Poe is watching them with a frown, arms crossed over his chest. Finn looks like he wants to rush forward, but holds back. She can see their eyes harden as they glance from her to Kylo. She wants to defend him, wants to shout at them all. They all think it’s her. But it’s not. _He_ saved them. All of them. She did nothing more than hang on for the ride. _It was all him_ , she wants to scream. _Why can’t you see it?_

And yet when the tension breaks, _she_ is the one who is surrounded by the members of the Resistance. She is the one who is lauded as the great hero, the savior of the Resistance.

She can see both General Organa and her brother watching as the crowd applauds and the shouts go up about their newest Jedi. She hears the words hope and _we have a chance now_ bandied about.

But Luke is watching her with half-narrowed eyes, and she sees him look first to her and then to Kylo, who stands slightly behind her, an almost over-protective shadow. Luke steadies his gaze back on her for a moment before nodding and turning back to his sister.

Then there are more people rushing to her, surrounding her, coming at her from all sides. All excited chatter and claps on the back. People she knows, like Rose and Finn and Poe, and others she’s never met before or only seen in passing. It’s _too much_ , especially after being alone on the ship with Kylo.

She needs time to herself.

She needs to figure out her place in all of this, _his_ place in all of this.

When she turns back to find Kylo, he’s gone. And she’s sure he simply melted into the crowd, a shadow amongst all the brightness. No one will miss him. No one will _care_. She glances around the room, not seeing him anywhere among the celebrating masses, and she tries to not examine exactly why she cares that he’s disappeared.

With a shake of her head she turns to her new-found friends and tries to smile. A moment later, she’s swept away by Rose and Paige, with Finn and Poe right behind them. Poe says it’s time to celebrate. They’re safe for the time being and it’s because of her, they tell her. The celebration will be good for them all. Good for morale, the calm before whatever storm comes next.

_Kriff_ , what a mess.

Someone needs to know the truth besides her and Kylo.

As they pass by Luke and Leia, Luke’s knowing gaze tells her someone already does know the truth. “Later?” Luke says.

She pauses, watching him for a moment, and then finally nods.

* * *

_It was nothing_.

He can’t believe that. It wasn’t. Not to him.

_You’re nothing_. The words come unbidden into his mind. They were never said, but the implication is there nonetheless. He feels the strange oiliness to the words. _Lies_. He’s not nothing, not to her. He _knows_ this, can feel it not only through whatever strange bond they’ve formed, but in every fiber of his being.

He’s _something_ to her. He knows this. Even if she doesn’t know what yet.

_And just what is she to_ you _?_

_Kriff_. He can still feel her lips on his, her body pressed to his. She was warm and pliant as she leaned into him, wrapped her arms around him. The Force had sung with the beauty of that connection. It had sung in a similar way later, when their minds melded together to let him contact his mother light years away.

The Force was pulling them together, plucking at the strings of the connection they’d somehow inadvertently created. And it had reveled in their finally coming together in such a way, even if he’d had no kriffing idea where to put his hands, or what to do with his lips or his tongue or _anything_.

That’s the sad truth, really. He’d never kissed anyone before. It’s not like there was an opportunity to explore such things at his uncle’s Jedi Academy, where attachments of any kind were frowned on. And then there was Snoke…

He shudders at that.

He hasn’t told Rey. He doesn’t know if it would make any difference, if she would understand why this is so important to him, why it _means_ so much. He’s gotten to the ripe old age of 29 without ever kissing a girl. Kriff, but his father would be disappointed in him if he knew.  He wonders if Rey would be disappointed, if she would somehow expect him to _know_.

And he wonders what his uncle would think of this bond, the way they can get into each other’s minds so easily, the way they find each other in their dreams. If the Force can create such a connection, then surely attachments can’t be all bad, can they?

He shakes his head.

Does he want such an attachment?

_Yes_ , the completely irrational part of his mind says, the selfish and impatient part that wanted to haul her off to his quarters and find far more pleasurable ways to pass the time than to sit at odds with each other in the cockpit of his father’s ship.

_No_ , the other part of him says, and it sounds suspiciously like his uncle’s voice. He can’t afford such a thing. Not now, not here. Snoke is still there, beating at his mind. He feels it every day, the stench of his cold flesh, the sting of the lightning as it courses through his body, the whips and the invasions and the sheer horror of it all.

Snoke would start all over again if given a chance to work his way into Kylo’s mind. _My apprentice_. He draws closer all the time, trying to break through, to crack him like an egg and pull out every bit of light that’s left in him.

But Rey is there too, worming her way into his…he doesn’t even want to say it. Acknowledging it would just lead to _other_ things. Things he’s not sure he’s ready for.

Things he’s pretty sure he can’t handle.

And he still has to face his uncle again. He still needs to talk to him about whatever this _thing_ between he and Rey is. And that’s a whole other issue. He’ll have to talk to him…sometime.

* * *

“So that was an awfully long time to spend with Kylo Ren,” Finn says as he pours Rey a drink. She doesn’t want it. Alcohol makes her nervous. There were too many scavengers who made heavy use of it, and it led to bad things. _Terrible_ things, she remembers. Angry shouts, a black eye on one of the older scavengers, the _it’s ok dearie, it’s just how they are when they drink_.

So she sips at it as she contemplates what to even say to that.

“Yes,” she finally says. “I guess it was.”

All eyes are on her, expectant, and so she takes another sip of her drink.

“And?” Finn says.

“And nothing. We found our way back.” She tries to keep her face as neutral as possible, tries not to think of the kiss, of the weird connection between them, of somehow being in his bed and pressed up against him and the whispers in the dark.

And she tries not to think about whatever that horrifying _thing_ is that keeps clawing its way past their defenses when they let them down for even a moment. _Snoke_.

“That’s it?” Poe sounds beyond incredulous. “Just…you spent _days_ with him. All alone on the Falcon.”

“I know. I was there.” She can’t stop the little bit of annoyance from creeping into her voice. Poe means well. She’s sure of that much at least. But he’s brash, the go in with guns blazing and think later type. She’s pretty sure if left to his own devices, he’d end up risking all of their lives on some half-cocked plan.

“He didn’t try to kill you?” Finn asks.

“Why would he?”

“He’s _Kylo Ren_.”

“Not anymore,” she shoots back. _I want to hear my real name when I make you mine_. And now she _is_ blushing. She knows it. They’re all staring at her. “Look, I know no one will believe me. But he saved you.” She looks from Finn to Poe to Rose and Paige. “ _All_ of you.”

“Leia said that was you,” Poe interrupts with.

Rey shakes her head. “Do you really think I’m that good of a pilot?”

“And he is?” Poe asks.

She levels her gaze on Poe. She’s about to rake her nails right over his soul with this one and she can’t seem to even bring herself to really care. “He’s the _best_.” Poe starts to protest and Finn reaches out a hand to touch his arm. “You _are_ aware of his who his father is?’

“Yeah the father he doesn’t give a damn about.” There’s a bitterness behind Poe’s words that Rey isn’t quite sure how to interpret.

“The father he came home for,” Rey bites out. “He’s _here_ because Han Solo asked him to come home.” She stands then. “And you won’t even give him a chance.”

She sets down her half-full drink and turns to go.

“Rey,” Finn says as he stands and puts a hand on her arm, stopping her before she can get more than a step away from the table. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” she says quickly. Over Finn’s shoulder, she can see Rose watching her and there’s this assessing look on the other woman’s face. She’s almost sure Rose sees through everything. Her eyes are narrowed just slightly, and Rey watches as she gives her sister a glance.

“ _Rey_.”

She shrugs Finn’s hand off and turns to leave. What _is_ going on? Kriff if she knows. She _likes_ these people. Finn and Poe and Rose and Paige. They’re the only friends she has, really. They’ve brought her into their group without even a moment’s hesitation. They were happy she was back. And concerned. Afraid for her. She can feel it coming off them in waves. She’d spent _all that time_ trapped with Kylo Ren in the outer reaches of the galaxy and she _lived_.

And yet it seems completely ridiculous for them to even entertain the thought that he would have killed her.

He wants to teach her.

He wants to…

She turns back to Finn. These are _good_ people. Good people who seem to care. She feels strangely tied to them, all of them. Even Poe, who grates on her nerves a bit. They’re all in this together.

_Finn came back for her_.

And he’s still there, despite wanting to run as far away from Kylo Ren as he can get. He’s still, there, trying to pull them all together.

She watches him for a moment, glances at Poe and the Tico sisters. Rose is still watching her with a strange light about her eyes, and Rey is not quite sure what that means.

She sighs.

“I’m sorry.” The words are quiet, but she knows they all hear them. “It’s been a difficult time.” There’s no lie there at least. It _has_. She still feels off in ways she cannot really define. It’s not just Kylo being in her head, though that’s certainly some of it. But just… _everything_. She sometimes longs for the simple days of Jakku.

“I’m sure it has,” Paige says and Rey offers a wan smile at the almost comforting tone to the other woman’s voice.

“Can we just…” She waves a hand in the air. “Not talk about him? For at least a little while?”

She can feel their curiosity and she’s afraid they’re not going to be able to abide by her wishes. She can’t say she blames them, really. If one of them had just spent days trapped alone with someone they all still viewed as their enemy, she’d want to know how they fared too.

“Alright,” Finn says at last, turning to glance at the rest. They finally nod and Rey feels the band around her chest loosen just a little.

Maybe for just one night, she can be Rey. Rey the friend. Rey the fellow Resistance member. Not Rey with the Force who spends time with Kylo Ren.

She holds out her glass and with a laugh, Paige refills it.

* * *

The conversation for the rest of the night turns to the harrowing escape of the rest of the Resistance, finding the old Rebel base on Crait, and trying to work the ancient equipment they discovered there.

Rose really gets into it, describing the old tech and how she’s just barely gotten her hands on it. It’s a mess, apparently, leftover from the old Rebellion, much of it broken and some of it chewed through by whatever creatures inhabit the planet.

Finn tells her of crystal foxes and promises to show her them. In his explorations of the old mine, he’s discovered the paths they take through it, including a back way out should they ever need it. And it’s not that she doesn’t believe him, but foxes, live foxes, that are made out of crystal. It seems so absurd, but what does she know of the galaxy after all? She’s seen so little of it.

And it’s something for her to latch onto, discussing the animals and the tech and the rest of the world they find themselves on. Poe seems to know more about where they go from here. They’re trying to fix the equipment in order to reach Leia’s allies. There has to be _someone_ to come to their aid. They’re little more than a small, ragtag group of a few hundred lost souls at the moment.

They need more. More ships, more weapons, more manpower.

Rey is sitting off to the side of the group, knees drawn up to her chin, listening quietly as Poe and Finn recount their great escape from the First Order. She’s heard it before. More than once, even. The Stormtrooper and his prisoner and the crash on Jakku. She smiles, happy that _they_ are happy there.

“Hey,” comes the unexpected voice at her side. She opens her eyes and meets the concerned eyes of the younger Tico sister. “I hear you’re pretty good with old tech,” Rose says.

“I used to scavenge in the deserts of Jakku,” Rey says in answer. “Old Empire warships.”

“Oh man,” Rose says as she slumps against the wall next to her. “The things you must have seen.”

Rey’s not sure how to answer that. Rose sounds so reverent about it, when really it was just junk scattered in the deserts of a junk planet.

“I saw…I guess I saw a lot? I scavenged a lot of old parts.”

“Yeah? Anything particularly cool?”

Rose’s enthusiasm for technology is almost contagious, and Rey finds herself smiling at the other woman. “I lived in an AT-AT,” she offers up.

Rose’s eyes get _huge_. “You _lived_ in one?”

Rey nods. “On its side. It had been shot down and was left half-buried in the sand.”

“And so you just crawled inside?” At her nod, Rose shakes her head. “Kriff, I’ve never even seen one.”

“It’s old…”

“Tech,” Rose finishes for her. “I know. I’d love to get in one and see how it all works.” And she sounds almost wistful.

Rey leans her head against the wall. “It’s not that exciting. Old tech belonging to the bad guys.” She can still see the dark interior in her mind, the scratches on the wall, the things she’d scavenged and created for herself. She learned to fly, there in that AT-AT, learned to see the stars and planets that she never thought she’d see.

And now she sits in an old Rebel base, part of something much larger than herself.

“Seems exciting to me,” Rose says with a shrug.

“Maybe…” Rey starts to say, letting the words trail off. _Maybe someday I’ll show you_ …

But she knows she won’t go back. She can feel it in her bones. _The belonging you seek is not behind you_ … And she knows this. Deep down, buried far beneath the surface, she knows. She’s _always_ known.

“Maybe?” Rose repeats.

“Nevermind.” She considers leaving again, but then Rose reaches out a small hand and touches her arm. There’s a core of steel to the woman, something Rey admires. Sometimes she feels much the same, indestructible, undefeatable. And then other times she feels like she’s just left to be buffeted by the currents of the Force, its instrument, no voice of her own.

“So do you want to talk about it?”

And Rey doesn’t even have to ask her what she means. _It_. Kylo Ren.

Does she?

She wishes she could answer that. Would anyone look at her the same if she told them she’d kissed him? Told them there was some strange bond between them? Told them…

“No,” she finally says, but almost takes it back. There’s a part of her that wants to, that _needs_ to talk to someone about him, about _it_. If she can’t talk to Rose, who _can_ she talk to? Finn would never understand. And she can’t talk to Luke, not about… _those things_. She needs to talk to him, this much she knows. Kylo has offered to teach her, but there’s much she needs to talk about with Luke, much they _both_ need to talk about with Luke. She offers a wan smile. “Maybe sometime,” she concedes.

Rose gives her a smile back. “Maybe tomorrow you can help me with trying to get our communications array working?”

_Distraction_ , is the first word that comes to Rey’s mind. The perfect distraction, the perfect way to stay busy and away from him. She can’t face him. Not now. He’s gone off to be with his parents, to be _alone_ , her mind not so helpfully supplies. After everything that happened, how can she see him?

She doesn’t know what to say.

She wants to forget it.

And not all at the same time. And it’s so dreadfully confusing, a mess deep inside her mind, a maze she can’t seem to find her way out of. In one direction, danger. In the other, hiding her head back in the sands of Jakku as she always has. Safety in sinking into it.

“I’d like that,” she says instead of expressing any of what’s really going through her head.

“Good,” Rose says, the word firm. “Tomorrow then. 0800?”

She nods.

“That’s not too early?”

“Up with the sun,” she points out. Up with the beating of the Jakku sun, chased out of the sweltering heat of her AT-AT as the sun comes up over the horizon.

Rose stands then and offers her hand to Rey. She takes it and allows herself to be pulled to her feet. “Good then.” And then Rose is back off to the celebration, getting another drink and clinking glasses with Finn. Rey sees the way Rose looks at him, a small playing about her lips, light dancing in her eyes. Finn looks much the same and she finds she’s very much enjoying seeing whatever happiness they might have found there.

Maybe someday she’ll find her own.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO MUCH for all the lovely compliments! I've had a rough go of it these past couple weeks, but hopefully I'll get back into the swing of things with editing some of these chapters. I'm currently almost done with 34, so I'm getting close to the end in the writing process!

Rey’s dreams that night are strangely quiet, almost as if Kylo Ren has never been there in her mind. There’s no Snoke, no mask, no terror. There’s not even the feel of warm arms holding her close, lips at the nape of her neck. Kylo is strangely quiet. The _bond_ is quiet.

She’s not sure if she’s relieved or disconcerted at its absence.

But the next morning, when she crawls out of bed in search of some caf, she feels _pain_. A dull ache in the back of her head that she’s sure isn’t hers. _You drank yourself to oblivion_.

The only answer in her head is a groan before she feels it fizzle and drift away.

It’s an explanation at least and she finds herself smirking as she heads off to meet Rose.

The communication system is, apparently, in complete disarray. Rose has been working diligently alongside her sister and others to try to put it back together. There are allies, Leia says, allies on her mother’s home planet, on other planets scattered throughout the Inner Rim. If they can reach them, if they can secure their support, they’ll not only have someplace to go that isn’t an old mining facility on a half-dead planet, but they also might actually have a chance of defeating the First Order.

Rose points out all that had been done, but it’s still overwhelming. There are parts to look for in the dusty storage rooms where old and useless tech had been dumped, wires to splice back together, datachips to repair. “So much,” Rey murmurs.

“I told you it was a mess.”

“So you did,” Rey says with a small smile. “I just…”

“Didn’t think it would be this bad?” Rose offers a half smile and a shrug. “Yeah. I know.” She pauses to look around, squatting down in front of one panel that’s been pulled apart, wires everywhere, datachips scattered. “But hey, it’s fun, right?”

“Right. _Fun_.” Rey realizes that she’s smiling. Actually _smiling_. She doesn’t do that often. Her life has been one of hardship and confusion, fights and squabbles, and the desperation to see the next sunrise, the next sunset. She doesn’t know how Rose does it, really. Here in the midst of a war, there’s still something bubbly, almost effervescent about the tiny powerhouse of a woman.

Rey _likes_ her.

Maybe they can even be… _friends_. Friends aren’t something you had on Jakku. Allies, certainly, though even they could turn on you when times get rough. But here she sees the camaraderie between Poe and Finn, the gentle love and affection between Rose and her sister. Here she can be one of them.

_If only_ …

She pushes _him_ from her mind. For now at least. She knows he’s still there, lurking in the corners. The pain from whatever he had done to himself the night before had dissipated and she hopes he found some relief at least. She’s not too happy with knowing she can feel his pain. That’s…frightening…in many ways. If he’s ever captured. If _she_ is…

“Rey?”

Rey blinks. “Sorry.”

“I lost you there for a moment.”

She bites her lip, can’t quite meet her eyes. “Yeah…”

“You do that sometimes,” Rose points out.

“Sorry.”

“You said that.” She pauses, and Rey can see her gathering her wits about her to ask something. “Is it that Force stuff?”

“Maybe,” Rey responds with. Maybe…or not. It’s _Force stuff_ , certainly. There’s no doubt about that. But it’s more _him_ and whatever has tied them together.

“Or is it him?”

Rey blinks. Once. Twice. “No,” she lies. “No, it’s not him.” She doesn’t have to ask who Rose is referring to. It’s clear in the curious stare she gives her.

“You can talk about it, you know. With me. I’m a good listener. That’s what Paige always says.” There’s pride behind the words. “And I’m good at keeping secrets.”

“I have no secrets to share,” Rey says quickly. Too quickly. She’s sure Rose knows she’s lying and she’s struck, not for the first time, by the thought that Rose has some sort of latent Force abilities. She can almost see the little spitfire with a lightsaber taking on Kylo Ren all by herself. “Just…can we get to this?” She waves her hand at the scattered tech around them.

Rose watches her for a moment longer, eyes narrowed. “Right. Ok. Look, you did all that scavenging stuff on Jakku, right?”

“Right.” And so Rose sets her off to look for a calcinator and some cables. _About this thick, maybe three meters long, though we can splice it down if you find something longer_. But the calcinator is the important thing. Without it, the whole thing won’t work and while it was clear someone had been tearing things apart on the base, Rose is sure that it wasn’t anything humanoid that did it. The tech still has to be there. She just doesn’t know _where_ it might have gone to.

There are foxes, crystal foxes, the ones Finn is so fond of. They’re everywhere in the series of caves that makes up the old mining station. Rose has traced some of them back to their dens and found old tech there, lining the walls. She assures Rey that they’re somewhere on the border between friendly and fearful. _Just crawl on in there and take a poke around. They won’t mind._

So Rey sets off, following the trails of paw prints that the foxes have made. She’s only just around the bend when she stumbles across _him_ in one of the alcoves there. He’s tucked his large body away, sitting in that meditative lotus position he seems so fond of. Frankly, he looks a bit ridiculous there, like some sort of bantha trying to hide in a corner.

“Rey,” he says and there’s this strange look that crosses his face.

She pauses.

Thinks about backtracking for a moment.

She doesn’t want to see him. Not right now.

“Kylo.” He flinches a little at the clipped tone of her voice. “I trust you recovered from…whatever last night was.”

He winces. “You felt that?”

“I did.” She tries not to smirk.

“It’s getting stronger.”

“Don’t…” she starts to say, but then he holds up a hand.

“We have to, sometime.”

“Yes.” They’ll need to talk about it, experiment further with it. She doesn’t _want_ to. Not really. But she knows they have to. If they can find a way to break it, to set them both free, life can return to the way it once was. Rey alone in her own head. And Kylo…well, Kylo _somewhere_. As long as it’s not in _her_ head, she doesn’t care.

“There’s so much we could do with it.” He sounds excited now, his overly plush lips parting as he leans toward her. “Just think about it.”

“No,” she says quickly. Down that road lies ruin and things she does not want to know.

“ _Rey_.” There’s a sharpness to the word.

“No,” she repeats. “I need to…I’m helping Rose with the communications array. I need to find some things for it…” Her voice trails off.

He shakes his head and she’s not sure if he’s disappointed in her or just annoyed. “Always the scavenger.”

She flinches. “I’m _helping_ ,” she hisses at him.

“You’d be helping more if you would come with me.” He stands then and she backs up a pace. He’s so much _more_ when he’s on his feet. Folded into the lotus position, he seems unassuming. Up and walking toward her and he’s the monster from the forest, the dark side warrior who kissed her with such abandon on the Falcon.

She swallows thickly.

He holds out a hand. “Rey.” There’s a plea to the word.

She turns away. She doesn’t know what else to do at that moment. “I promised Rose.” And then she’s walking away from him, feeling the bond pulling taut, a stranglehold that makes her want to _go back_ when her mind screams _No, run._

He calls her name again.

She doesn’t stop.

“You’re going to have to face this sometime!” She’s surprised at the desperate tone to his voice, as if it really _matters_ to him.

_It does_ , comes some voice in her head, full of conviction and bullheadedness. And she’s not even sure if it’s _his_ voice or _her_ voice.

She knows he’s right. _Kriff_. But maybe she can hold that off as long as possible. She feels a shiver trace down her back that she’s sure is the Force itself mocking her.

* * *

She’s not the only one who has to face things. He knows this. He attempts to retreat to the meditation pose and calm his breathing, bring himself back into some sort of alignment. But it’s just not possible.

There’s _her_. Forever half inside his head, always fighting to get out and _stay_ out. He sighs as he untangles himself again and leans back against the rock. Crait is not a forgiving place, not a welcoming place. All hard rock and makeshift pallets tucked away in caves that were just barely adapted as quarters for what was left of the Resistance. They’re crammed in there, trapped like rats in a cage, and he doesn’t like it. He longs for fresh air and a place to call his own.

He’s _almost_ tempted to go back to the Falcon.

Almost.

But he’s sure his father has reclaimed his ship now that they’ve returned. His father has barely spoken to him since they arrived on Crait. A nod, a _glad you made it_ said in that typical gruff affection he associates with his father. But that’s it. He’s been left alone, otherwise, though he can always feel eyes on him.

_Still considered dangerous_. Even when he makes the right choice.

He’s made the wrong choice far more often than he’d like to admit. But he’s not the _only_ one who’s made the wrong choice. And that’s what it all comes down to.

_His uncle_.

He can sense Luke out there like he can sense his mother and just barely his father. Rey’s presence is stronger, almost eclipsing the others, but they’re all still there, small bright points in the Force.

He knows he has to face him. If not for himself, then for _her_ …for this connection between them. He’s the only one who would know anything about this thing. Kylo can do all the reading he wants, can talk to Rey until he’s blue in the face, but without some sort of input from the only remaining Jedi, there’s little hope of being able to understand what is happening to them.

He finds Luke in a small room off the main one, curled into the same mediation pose Kylo had been in not so long ago. At first Luke doesn’t seem to notice his presence in the room, but then he looks closely, at the way there’s just a bit more tension in Luke’s shoulders than when he first found him.

And then Luke’s eyes open and meet his. “Come,” he says. “Sit.”

“Uncle,” Kylo starts to say.

Luke waves a hand at him. “Meditate with me?”

Kylo almost refuses. He doesn’t even know why he’s here, really. There’s still this shiver of fear that traces down his back as he watches his uncle close his eyes again. He can still see the green of his lightsaber reflected in his eyes, can see the sneer to his lip, as he raises it over his head.

He’d still been such a young man, still so naïve to the ways of the world. Snoke had been there. He’d _always_ been there, this dark presence haunting the back of his mind. Even now he can feel him, withered hands beating at the walls that Kylo struggles to keep erected between them.

_If he ever gets in_ …

“So much fear, still,” his uncle murmurs. “I can feel it coming off you in waves.”

Kylo wants to choke out the truth. _You tried to kill me, Uncle_. Snoke, for all his terror and abuses, had never actually tried to kill him.

_Not yet_.

He has no doubt if he finds him, he’s a dead man.

_Would that be so bad?_

“Ben,” Luke says, the word almost a sharp rebuke, as if he’s seen the way his thoughts are going. _Why does it matter, Uncle? You would have killed me six years ago if I hadn’t come awake when I did._

“No,” Kylo finally chokes out. “I can’t…”

He’s not ready.

He’s not sure if he’ll ever be ready.

He’s gone from the room before Luke can utter another word. But Kylo can still hear him in his head as he leaves.

_Suit yourself, kid_ …

* * *

“You found one?” Rose sounds positively astounded, cradling the calcinator in her lap. “I never thought…”

“Then why did you send me out there?” Rey joins her on the floor, arms wrapped around the knees she draws up close to her chest.

There’s a sheepish look about Rose’s face. “I thought you might need some time to yourself.”

“If only,” Rey mutters. She’d had _some_ time to herself, certainly, digging through the piles of tech the foxes had hidden away, their own private cache. She wonders what they might have done with it all. She’s never asked if they’re intelligent creatures, but wonders at the sheer amount of tech they’d squirreled away over the years.

“No? You ran into someone?” Rose asks and the words are just a little too casually innocent.

She narrows her eyes. “Did you know he was there?”

Rose grins. “So you _did_ run into Kylo Ren.”

“Yes,” Rey admits. “He was…meditating.”

Rose nods. “All that Force stuff.”

“Yes.”

“So do you want to talk about it now?”

“Talk about…”

“Oh come _on_.” Now Rose sounds exasperated, but there’s still amusement behind it. “Something happened on that ship.” She points a finger at Rey. “You can’t tell me nothing did.”

“Nothing…”

“Look, there’s no one here but you and I.” She waves a hand around the room. “And Paige can assure you that I am _ace_ at keeping secrets. I’ve never shared one of hers. I’ll even pinky swear.” When Rey gives her a confused look, Rose sighs. “You’ve never heard of pinky swears. Of course you haven’t. I can’t imagine there’s much need for such things while scavenging on Jakku.”

“I guess not?”

Rose leans forward and holds out her pinky. “Here. Just hook your pinky around mine.” Rey does as she asks. She doesn’t even know _why_. She just can’t stop herself. “Good. Now…I promise to never tell another living soul anything you tell me about Kylo Ren.” She’s serious, her mouth set and eyes boring into Rey’s as she gives her pinky a little tug and a shake. “There,” she says with a smile. “Pinky swear taken. I’ll take whatever you say to my _grave_ if necessary.”

Rey pulls her hand back from Rose and clasps her hands together. She wants to tell her. She does. She needs to talk to someone and who else could she talk to? But…

“We kissed,” she murmurs.

“Pardon?” Rose’s eyebrows rise.

“You heard me.”

“You…and Kylo Ren?”

“ _Yes_.”

“Oh Force.”

Rey stands then. “ _Kriff,_ I should not have told you that.” She’s not even sure she _meant_ to, really, but it just came out.

“No, no, don’t run off.” Rose pulls herself up to her knees and grabs Rey’s wrist, tugging her back toward her. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. Just…that wasn’t what I expected.”

“No?”

“Not at all. I thought maybe, like, you fought. Or he almost killed you.”

“He wouldn’t kill me,” Rey says and cringes as the words come out with _far_ too much confidence.

“Obviously.” Rose’s droll response almost makes her laugh… _almost_.

Instead, she sits back down at her side. “It’s ludicrous isn’t it?”

Rose shrugs. “Not really. I mean, you were trapped alone with him for days. You probably thought you were going to die out there.”

It’s the easy out Rey could use, really. _Yes of course. It’s just that he was the only one there and, you know, I didn’t want to die without having kissed someone_.

But the reality is so far from that, so far indeed. She knows they weren’t in any danger. They could have flown the ship anywhere, navigated to some unknown corner of the galaxy and gone their separate ways. “It wasn’t like that.”

“Who kissed who?”

“I…what?”

“Come on, you can’t just tell me you and Kylo Ren kissed and not give me all the juicy details.”

Rey has to think for a moment. Who _did_ kiss who? There’s another easy out. _Kylo kissed me_. Then she can toss it off as if it were something she didn’t want. “I don’t know.”

“Ohhhhh,” Rose says. “Just one of those things that happened. Both of you at the same time?”

“I guess.”

“Is he…you know?”

Rey watches Rose for a moment. “No. I don’t…”

“Any good?”

Rey laughs. She has nothing to compare it to, really. She’s never been kissed before, never wanted to. Was it good? It was awkward and a little too harsh at first, but she finds herself thinking about it at odd moments, can feel it warm her bones, heat curling around her insides and the butterflies in her stomach flying free.

“Yes,” she finally says. “I suppose it was. Eventually.”

And as Rose grins at her, she realizes a part of her wants to tell her _everything_. The bond that’s formed between them, how she sometimes appears in the same room as him when they’re not together. But it’s all so fantastical, all so strange, that she’s not sure anyone else would believe her.

“Come on,” Rose says at last. “Now that I know all your deep dark secrets, it’s probably time to get back to figuring out that communications array.”

And just like that, they’re back at their work. Almost like the conversation didn’t happen. Rose…it just doesn’t bother her. Rey is pretty sure if Finn knew or Poe knew, she’d be shunned. She’d never hear the end of it. She’s terrified they’ll find out and she’ll lose the handful of friends she’s gained.

But not Rose.

She’s a good person. And she suspects her sister is too. She’s off with the bombing fleet doing practice runs in a simulator. Preparations for whatever comes next. Maybe they’ll get a chance at a dreadnought, or at destroying some of the First Order’s fleet. Rey really doesn’t know. But what she _does_ know is she feels comfortable here at Rose’s side as they dig through the old tech and piece it together.

* * *

She goes to bed that night feeling strangely satisfied. She’s felt adrift somewhat, never sure what part of it all she fits into, never understanding her place in all of it. She still doesn’t entirely know that, and she knows in order to figure it out she’ll have to face Kylo again, face Luke, face this Force and the bond and everything else.

But for now she feels calm, collected.

She and Rose had pieced together a communications array and when they switched it on, it _worked_. There had been nothing but static on the other end of things, but Rose had immediately taken it to the general and she had commandeered it. There are channels she tells them, channels that lead to old friends and even older allies.

There’s hope, at least.

And she supposes that for now that will have to be enough.


	21. Chapter 21

He watches his mother as she walks from person to person, a soft touch here, a kind word there. Even the firmness of whatever she said to one young man is tempered with a soft smile.

He doesn’t remember that from her.

She’s relieved to see him. He can sense that. She’s glad he’s alive. But she still doesn’t know exactly what to do with him. She brings him into the meetings, she involves him, but there’s still this hesitancy to the way she speaks to him, a strange light in her eyes when they fall on him. She has him tucked into a corner of the large chamber, out of the way. He shrinks back into it, tries to disappear, make himself as small as possible, arms crossed over his chest as he watches.

_She_ is there too. _Rey_. She avoids his eyes and keeps her body turned away from him and for once he doesn’t really know what he’s done wrong. So he watches her and waits and hopes, like some sort of pathetic cur come to heel, that she’ll turn and look at him.

_You’re being ridiculous_.

“Son.” He hears the word before he sees his father. Kylo sighs. He hasn’t been sure if he’d been trying to avoid him, but now seeing him here, yes…yes he has. He doesn’t know what to say to his father and seeing him sometimes sets him on edge. He can feel his shoulders tense as he turns to face him.

“Father,” he mutters.

Han offers him a crooked grin. “Well, I guess that’s better than calling me ‘Han Solo.’” He’s trying to be humorous, even Kylo can see this. But it fails. Of course it does. Kylo has never been known for his humor. Even as a child, he’d been far too serious. Haunted by demons he couldn’t begin to understand and burdened with some sort of destiny he didn’t know about, he’d been the quiet, far too intense child that neither parent seemed to know what to do with.

His father watches him for a moment and then finally claps him on the back. It takes everything in him to not flinch at the contact. “Lighten up, kid,” Han says with that typical half grin that’s always set him just a little bit on edge.

He wants to say something, almost does, but then his mother is there, clapping her hands together.

The room goes silent.

She commands attention, always has. He had never quite realized what a tiny thing she was until he returned home. But there’s a lot of _her_ packed into that small package. He can see the princess in the general, the daughter of a senator, the adopted daughter of royalty.

As she looks around the room, her eyes fall on his father, then on him, and it seems to take a lot for her to tear her eyes away.

“As you know,” she begins, and every eye in the room is on her, “we have been working on getting the communication array here up and running. And, as you know, it’s been a struggle.” There’s a soft, gentle smile on her face. A bit of self-deprecation he realizes. The place is a mess of antique technology gone to hell in the thirty or so years since the rebels first founded a base there. She steps forward and places one hand on Rey’s shoulder, who’s sitting off to her right, then touches the shoulder of another young woman, _Rose_ he remembers. “And thanks to these two, we have it working.”

A small murmur goes through the crowd. Oh yes, ever the performer. Leia is smiling and he knows she has them eating out of her hands. She knows how to work a crowd, his mother does. It’s not something he’d ever been able to do, relegated to the background at Luke’s Academy and forever in Snoke’s shadow. Feared, he knew. But never respected. Snoke made sure of that.

“We have made contact with allies on Chandrila. And they have pledged their support to our cause.” A few people start applauding, but Leia raises a hand and it’s instantly quelled. There’s more, Kylo realizes, much more. He can see the tightness at the corners of her mouth, the eyes that are far too serious.

_She used to look at you like that_.

Nothing good can come of this.

“The good news is we have a home with them. We can use their planet as a base of operation as we plan our attacks.”

“But?” Poe interrupts with and Leia shoots him a look. _Never interrupt the Princess, Poe, surely you know that by now._

“But, yes. There is a but. We have to get out of _here_. And as you know, the First Order can still track us by hyperspace. Rey might have drawn them off...”

“Kylo,” Rey says and Leia turns toward her. Even from this distance, he can see Rey’s cheeks grow a little red. “It was Kylo.”

No one says anything, but he can feel all the eyes on him, including his mother’s.

“We’ll talk about that later,” she finally says. “There are more pressing matters.” But the amount of people still watching him, some with confusion and some still with open hostility, makes his skin crawl. “We need to get out of here. _Without_ the First Order following.”

“We need to break their hyperspace tracking,” Poe says.

“Yes.”

Kylo feels a cold shiver go down his back.

“To that end,” his mother continues. “We have devised a plan. It’s risky, but if it succeeds, we will be able to make our way safely to Chandrila to meet with our allies. And from there, hopefully defeat the First Order once and for all.”

What she outlines next doesn’t stop that feeling of dread. If anything, it makes it worse, forming a cold, hard ball in the pit of his stomach. It involves distraction in the form of Poe and letting not only Rose and Finn go onto the Supremacy, but Rey as well. It’s near lunacy, he thinks. But if it works…well, if it works, they’ll be safe.

She starts to dismiss them all to prepare for their mission. It will be going into effect as soon as possible, with the small group leaving almost immediately to take on their part in it. But Kylo can’t have that.

“Wait,” he says, leaping up from his seat and striding across the room to stand in front of his mother. “Let me go too.” He speaks quietly, but hears the intake of breath from the few who are close enough to hear him.

“No.” There’s no hesitation behind the word.

“ _Mother_.” The word is sharp, insistent. But then he softens the tone again. “I can be an asset.”

Poe stands up, tries to insert himself between him and his mother. “He’ll get them all killed.”

“I won’t.”

“You can’t trust him.” His eyes don’t leave Kylo as he talks. “He’ll turn them over to the First Order. Can you imagine what they’d do to them? What they’d do to _her_ if they found out about her Force abilities?”

Leia pauses, glances over at Poe, and then back to him.

“I won’t,” Kylo says and there’s a small bit of petulance to the words. “I swear it.” Then – “ _Mother_.”

“No,” she finally says.

“No one knows their way around the Supremacy like I do.” That gives them pause at least. They know it’s true. He feels someone come up behind him and isn’t surprised to see his father standing there.

“That’s true, kid. But you’re way too recognizable. If one of the other officers doesn’t realize who you are, _he_ will.”

_Snoke_.

He feels the pounding in his head, the clawing, that oily tendril that tries to wrap itself around his heart but keeps slipping away, never quite able to take him down. Snoke would know. Of course he would.

“Snoke will know _she_ is there, too.” He inclines his head toward Rey. Rey, who he doesn’t want to go into this darkness alone, Rey who he wants to be there to watch over. _Kriff kriff kriff_. What is wrong with him?

“He won’t get to me,” Rey says, tilting her chin up, standing tall and proud. Of course she wouldn’t worry. She’s seen only glimpses of the creature, filtered through his own thoughts and memories. She has no idea. She can’t understand. _No one_ can.

“He won’t because I’m coming with you.”

“Son,” Han says. “It’s too dangerous. You’ll jeopardize the mission.”

“They’ve never seen me with my mask off.” He can’t help the annoyance that creeps into the words.

“Not even Snoke?”

“Snoke doesn’t matter!” The words are out before he can stop them and he’s sure that everyone who _wasn’t_ staring at him before is now. The room is deadly silent after his outburst.

And then there’s Luke. Luke who tried to end him. Luke who must know how much Snoke really _does_ matter. “You know that’s not true,” he says and tries to put a hand on Kylo’s shoulder.

He jerks back. “He can’t,” he chokes out. “He can’t matter anymore. If he does…” If he does, it means it’s all for naught. If he does, it means that Kylo is just one step from falling backward. Falling into darkness. Falling into nothing. He needs to make him _not matter_ , keep him from digging his claws into his mind.

_If he doesn’t matter, he has no power over you_.

_If he has no power over you, why are you still going by Kylo Ren?_

“Ben,” his father says, but Kylo doesn’t turn to look at him. His eyes are on his mother and she looks sad. Sad and worried and _tired_. Did she always look like that, when he was young? He remembers her as this towering figure, untouchable, the diplomatic senator who rarely had time for a troubled boy.

“Why do you even care?” he mutters. And there’s the crux of it all. “You never cared before.”

She’d disappeared into politics. His father disappeared into himself. And he? Well, he was left to fend off Snoke by himself.

_That did a lot of good_.

His jaw clenches and he can feel his eye start that annoying twitching, as if he’s not in control of all his muscles.

His mother is watching him and the sadness in her eyes almost breaks him right there. Instead, he wraps his arms a little further around himself.

“We cared,” she finally says. “We _always_ cared.” He starts to say something else. He doesn’t even know what really, but it doesn’t matter. She cuts him off by just holding a hand up. “This is not a discussion for right now, son.”

“No? Then when is it?”

He feels a hand come out and clasp him on the shoulder and he shrugs it off without even thinking about it. People don’t touch Kylo Ren. They never have. “Later, son,” his father says softly from nearby. When he turns to look at him, his hand is still half-raised in the air and he’s watching him, wary and worried.

Kylo sneers at him. He tries to escape it, but that _feeling_ is still there, twisted somewhere into his mind. _Kill him. Only then can you become what you were meant to be_.

“Is that any way to treat your old man?”

“Do you _ever_ take anything seriously?” Kylo snarls at him. “We could be half a second from being sucked into a black hole and you’d be cracking some sort of joke. Oh _ha ha_ , everyone could die! But not _Han Solo_. Han Solo will talk his way out of _anything_.” He sounds wild, and he reaches up, runs his hand through his hair, tugging at the long strands.

“ _Ben_ ,” his mother hisses and reaches out for him. He backs up a pace.

“I want to go with them,” he repeats.

His mother sighs.

His father is watching him with an assessing look that he can’t quite define.

“You can’t,” his mother finally says. “That’s _final_.” Kylo snarls something incoherent. “If you won’t stay behind for your own protection, do it for _theirs_.” And there’s a knowing a look. Not _theirs_. He doesn’t care about Finn, the traitor to the same cause he’s become a traitor to. He doesn’t care about Rose; he’s not exchanged more than a few words with the woman. But _her._

_Do it for_ her _._

He turns and punches the wall at his side, satisfied to hear the crunch of bones on durasteel. He barely even registers the pain. “Fine,” he mutters and stalks off. He hears someone call out for him and increases his pace. He needs to get _out_ of there. Needs to escape before he says something wrong, before he punches someone, _hurts_ someone. Before he draws his weapon on someone and runs them through. He can feel it skittering across his skin, flowing through every artery and vein like ice water. Rage, terror, the need to maim and kill.

_What if she’s hurt?_

_What if she’s killed?_

_What becomes of you then?_

What indeed.

* * *

Rey watches him leave and she has no idea what to do or what to say. The entire gathering has gone silent, with half watching where Kylo Ren slammed his way out of the room and the other half watching Leia. There’s a moment there, as Rey turns to watch his mother, where she sees the older woman slumps a little, her eyes watching her son storm out of the room with a longing that hits Rey hard.

Rey’s never had that.

She never _will_.

And it makes her _ache_ that his family is _right here_ and yet there is so much betrayal and hate and _anger_ that none of them can seem to find their way past it.

“Well,” Leia says at last and all eyes turn back to her. “So that’s that.”

It’s not though, Rey realizes. It _can’t_ be. She watches as Han shrugs and sits back down. Luke is off in a corner somewhere. She can feel his eyes on her, not quite concerned, but not quite hostile. He _senses_ something. She’s sure of it, with all that great Jedi mind awareness. She’s sure he sees the way her eyes followed Kylo as he strides from the room and he must feel the strange skipping of her heartbeat when he volunteered to go along.

Into the belly of the beast, as it were.

_He kissed you._

_Or you kissed him_.

And they’re all sure he’d betray them.

She knows he won’t. But there’s truth in what Leia says, in what Han says. He’d endanger the mission simply by being there.

_Snoke would know_.

“Finn, Rose, and Rey,” Leia is saying and Rey blinks as she looks back to the general. “There is much to discuss. To everyone else, dismissed.”

Leia’s word is final. Everyone accepts it. She’s wise. She knows all.

_Then why do you have such a bad feeling about this?_

* * *

Preparations are made quickly. _Too_ quickly, really. Plans are made and while Rey has voiced some concerns, they’re quickly discussed and dismissed.

_We don’t have the time for anything else._

_We’ll make it work_.

They’re ready to board the small shuttle almost before she can come to terms with it all, just a few short hours after Leia made her announcements. She’s a part of all of _this_ , a part of something bigger than her. They barely know her, but they _want_ her. It’s frightening in its own way. These are people she can disappoint. She’s never had that before.

But _oh_ she has craved it. Dreamed of it, waking in the middle of the night curled into a little ball of loneliness when reality comes crashing down. She’s wanted it so bad she could _taste_ it.

A family.

Even one that’s made up of a rag-tag group of resistance fighters and the prodigal son returned from his fall to the dark side.

_Her_ family, such as it is.

Leia sends someone off to find Kylo, some poor young man who looks cowed at the very thought of approaching the former Dark Side apprentice. She can see the fear for his own life that informs his every movement. But he won’t dare defy Leia. She looks on him with kind eyes, _he won’t hurt you, not if you tell him I need his help_ , and sends him off anyway.

Kylo returns not long after, the young man at his heels looking a little less white than he had on his way out the door. Kylo is clearly not happy about returning, tension in every line of his body, arms crossed over his broad chest, but he’s there nonetheless.  He’s tight-lipped through it all, only offering suggestions when asked, his gaze on Rey more often than his mother. He almost doesn’t acknowledge Leia, instead directing his answers to Rey with an insistent look that tells her he wants her to take him seriously, to remember it all, to let his words ground her in some way.

Everyone notices.

She can see their eyes move from him to her and back again, trying to sort out just what they’re seeing. Poe’s eyes are narrowed, Finn looks like he’s spoiling for a fight, and Rose has a huge grin on her face that Rey desperately wants _gone_ before anyone questions it.

And she’s not sure if she finds his attention comforting or disconcerting. Maybe a little bit of both. She spends most of the meeting alternating between wanting to throw something at him and feeling strangely warm at both his attention and his concern.

When she gets back from this mission, she’ll have to…well, what does it matter? When she gets back, nothing will change. The connection will still be there and Kylo will keep trying to “explore” it. And Rey will still want to avoid it, trying to stamp it down like it never existed in the first place.

_But will you?_

_Will you really?_

She pushes those thoughts from her mind, shoves them to the back somewhere and tries to lock them up tight. She has a job to do, an important one. If she’s distracted, she’ll make mistakes.

She can’t afford mistakes.

She’s barely in her seat before they’re cleared for take-off. With a _May the Force Be With you_ , they’re out of the hangar and clear of the _Raddus_. The shuttle they’re on is small and inconsequential. Poe had wanted them in something bigger with more power, but this ship will fly under the First Order’s radar. They won’t be scanning for something this small. They’re looking for warships or transports. The shuttle is little more than debris to them, especially with the distractions Poe has lined up.

“Scanning for First Order ships,” Rose announces from her seat, her hands flying over the console. They’ll find it easy enough, Kylo has told them. It’s not like the First Order is hiding. Why would they need to? There’s not a group in the galaxy that would be stupid enough to go against them.

_Ha_.

Rey half wishes his mother had backed down and let Kylo come with them. He _knows_ that ship, knows how things work. Finn knows some, certainly, but Kylo knows _more_. That much he was honest about.

But if he had come, then they’d be in a confined space again.

And worse, they’d have _company_ who could watch their every interaction. Rose is all too aware of what occurred between them. Well, maybe not _all_ that has occurred. No one knows of the strange bond they have, but the kiss was not an inconsequential nothing, and so Rose would be watching, waiting, wondering what might happen between them next.

But even worse than that, Kylo would be facing _him_.

She knows Leia is right. It would endanger the mission, having Kylo so close to the creature that had abused him, twisted him up, and pulled him to the Dark Side. They could lose him to it, taking away not only their advantage in having Kylo Ren on their side, but also stealing away Han’s and Leia’s beloved son. _Again_. She will not be a part of that.

No, there was no way for him to come. But as she wraps her arms around herself, staring out the viewport, a part of her still wishes he were there. His presence would make sense at least. He’s not only Force sensitive, but has control over it, _understands_ it like no one she knows except Luke.

Her presence does not make any sense.

Rose, she understands. She’s the one with the head full of tech knowledge. She can get them on board, can disable the tracking. Finn, she understands. Besides Kylo he’s the only one who has any knowledge of the ship’s layout. He can get them in and, hopefully, out again.

But her?

She’s just Rey.

_You’re not just anyone_.

She sighs. She’s really not sure if she’s hearing _his_ voice or if she’s imagining herself hearing his voice. Either way, she leans back in her seat and tries not to grumble to herself about it all. _Have faith_. It’s all she _can_ do, really. Leia was insistent that she _had_ to be there. And there had been this look in her eyes that Rey had not been able to define.

Luke tells her it’s her Force abilities, but she’s barely begun to understand them. She had glanced at Kylo then, something she was sure that Luke did not miss. Kylo not only had the Force, but the understanding she lacked. And then there was Luke. He was brought back as their great savior, as their hope, and he sits back in the control room with his sister, keeping an eye on things. _I’m too old for this_. She doesn’t want to believe it’s true, but she can see the exhaustion in his eyes. _This one has to be you_ , he tells her. The _Force_ has let him know that it has to be her. And so here she is, lightsaber strapped to her side like a true Jedi, ready to face the unknown and fight if needed.

She really hopes it’s not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, chapter count has gone up. It may go up further! But hopefully not too much further.


	22. Chapter 22

It all goes well…until it doesn’t. The beginning is easy. Almost too easy. It leaves Rey feeling unsettled and just a little bit off. They’re hidden just off the side of the _Supremacy_ when Poe makes his move. It’s a daring one to be sure, confronting a ship of this size all on his own. But that’s Poe, overly confident and brash. He’d take on the world if Leia told him to.

They slip in while he’s toying with them. It’s madness to be sure, but Poe’s assured them he’ll be too close to their ship for them to get him. He’s just the annoying gnat on the horse’s backside as it were.

Rey is sure they’ll be detected the instant they enter the hangar but all is quiet there. It takes little to silently take out the two Stormtroopers guarding it before they can even raise an alarm. Finn stares at their bodies, blaster held close to his side, for just a moment too long.

“Come on,” Rey says, reaching out to touch him lightly on the shoulder.

“They could have been my friends,” Finn says.

“I know. Mourn for them later.” She knows Finn’s story, taken from parents at such a young age that they’ve become this hazy blur in his mind, indoctrinated into what seems little more than a cult, taught to kill indiscriminately. He got out. Could they have? She knows what he’s thinking, but there’s no time for that. Not right now.

She watches as he steels himself and finally turns away. He’s the leader here, the one who knows his way around, and knowing he has this job seems to help him draw in the strength to leave them behind. They’re gone anyway, nothing more he can do.

“Stormtroopers or officers?” Rose whispers to Finn as he’s leaning out to check the hallway.

“Officers, definitely. We’ll have more autonomy then.” A small smile returns to his face. “And you’re way too short for a Stormtrooper anyway.”

Rose makes a small huffing noise in the back of her throat.

“Let’s go,” Rey interrupts with. If she doesn’t, they’re likely to start some of their banter and then they _will_ get caught. Poe had bought them the time to get in, but that’s it. He’s no doubt gone, fleeing the area in his X-Wing. She hopes he makes it, that he can find his way back to the transport without being tailed, or worse, getting killed in this endeavor.

The uniforms are easy, at least. Droids man the bay where they’re taken care of and no alarm is tripped when they enter. The droids continue on as if they’re not even there and so they move around the equipment, glancing at the uniforms being pressed to find ones that will at least come close to fitting them.

A quick change in the corners of the room and the three of them are back out in the hallway. Finn marches down it, blaster at his side, head high. There’s challenge in his gaze, even if Rey sees the abject _fear_ somewhere behind the confidence.

If he’s caught…

If they’re _all_ caught…

There’s so much at stake. Not just their lives, but _everyone’s_.

She shudders as she follows half a pace behind Finn, Rose at her side.

No one gives them a second glance as they walk steadily through the ship and take the elevator up to the correct floor. Finn turns and they follow, Rose rushing to keep up. Rey hangs slightly back, keeping a close eye on anyone they see. One red-haired man, a general by the insignia on his jacket, gives her a long look. He glances briefly at Rose and Finn before nodding and continuing on.

There’s something unsettling about the exchange.

They’ve gotten all the way to the controls. They’re so _close_ to disrupting the hyperspace tracking when someone spots them. Just one lone Stormtrooper. That’s all it takes. “Hold up!” he shouts and then more are behind him.

“Got it,” Rose says.

When they turn to leave, more Stormtroopers surround them. Ten in all, if Rey’s quick counting is correct.

“I know you,” one of them says. “You’re that _traitor_.” There’s a sneer behind the impersonal mask.

_Kriff_.

And then it’s _game on_ as the Stormtroopers draw their weapons. Rey’s lightsaber is out and Finn is blasting through them.

Rose, who’s admitted she’s never used a blaster before in her life, takes the safety off just as Finn showed her and takes out the nearest Stormtrooper with a snarl of rage that Rey wouldn’t have believed if she hadn’t seen it herself.

“I may be tiny,” Rose says as she turns her gaze briefly back to Rey. “But I’m fierce.”

Rey almost smirks. Almost. Instead, she lashes out with the lightsaber and takes out one of the Stormtroopers who comes at Rose.

“Thanks!” Rose shouts.

“There are more on the way!” comes Finn’s frantic voice and Rey’s stomach plummets even further. There could be hundreds, thousands, she doesn’t know. It’s all spiraling so fast out of control that she can’t see their way out.

“If we’re not back before the time is up, go without us,” Rey shouts into her comm link.

There’s just a short bit of time. It cycles every fifteen minutes. If they’re not off and back before then, they all _need_ to go. They’ll find them later. Or disappear, hide out somewhere until it’s all over. The important thing is the general and the rest of their ragtag group gets to safety. She doesn’t matter. Finn and Rose don’t matter. Not in the grand scheme of things.

“We won’t leave without you,” comes an unexpected voice over the comm.

There’s some sort of argument and Rey runs through one of the Stormtroopers. “You have to.”

And then she cuts the comm. She can’t fight with them. She doesn’t have the attention span to argue it out with Kylo _and_ somehow make their way back to the ship. She turns back into the fray with a shout.

* * *

His parents were nice enough, at least, to let him stay and listen in. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea, really. He can hear the sounds of the ship, _his_ ship, not so long ago. Murmurings of other officers, the clomping steps of Stormtroopers. Kriff, how he hates that sound.

And then those words.

_I know you_.

Finn has been recognized. He’s sure of it. He feared it. He can’t say he knows what Stormtroopers do during their time off, but he’s sure it doesn’t involve hanging around the mess hall with their masks on. Someone was sure to see that face and _know_. He’s a traitor, as much a traitor as Kylo is. But the big difference is that Kylo was never unmasked when out of his quarters.

_There was that one time._ One time, and one time only, when he rushed from the interrogation room and met a snarling Hux in Snoke’s chamber.

_One time_.

A scavenger had pushed into his mind and _Hux_ had seen him, eyes wide and frantic, his pulse high in his ears.

_One kriffing time_.

His heart runs cold. There’s the drawing of weapons, he can hear it clear across the comm. Words are exchange, the sound of a blaster and the hum of a lightsaber. Whatever happens next is just a series of shouts and groans and the clashing of armor against the far too unprotected group.

They’ve sent them to their doom.

They’ve sent _her_ to her doom.

“If we’re not back, go without us,” comes Rey’s voice over the comm. And he feels his heart freeze.

_No_.

Leia reaches for the commlink to say something but he grabs it instead. “We won’t leave without you.” There’s a desperation behind the words, and he looks up to see his parents watching him, his mother with a strange assessing gaze and his father, always with that cocky half smirk. He’s often heard his father’s sacrifice, his time in carbonite. _I love you. I know_.

And he wants to say something to Rey through the comm, but it goes dead moments later.

“We’ll give them until the last possible second,” Leia assures him.

“That’s not good enough.”

“It _has_ to be.” Her voice is firm. “The Resistance will not survive if we don’t get off this planet. Ben, surely you know that.” She sounds almost exasperated, but there’s a small bit of affection behind the words.

He sighs. He does know. He’d be lying if he said anything else. Getting off the planet has to be their goal. If they don’t, if the First Order finds them and breaks through the ultimately flimsy barrier, they’re dead men walking. But _dammit_ , he can’t lose her now. Not when he…when…he doesn’t know. “ _Kriff_.”

He wants to punch something, but instead just crosses his arms over his chest and glares at his mother.

“They’ll get back here,” she says and turns back to the comm line. It’s still dead and that’s just _not good_. They’re all staring as his mother taps at it a couple times. But it doesn’t crackle to life. There’s nothing from the other side and a part of him is terrified that they’ve been captured, that Hux or some other officer has taken the commlink, crushed it beneath booted heels.

He _has_ to know, need to like he needs air and the feeling of the Force flowing through his veins. He glances at his mother and she’s watching him, that furrow between her brows still there. She looks like she wants to say something, but he shakes his head, closes his eyes.

He reaches out, letting his mind float outside his body, trying to find his way in, his way there, his way to _her._

And then…

He has it, grasping onto it with both hands and pulling until the world tilts and shifts into focus.

He’s _there_.

He can see her, can see Finn and Rose as they race down the corridors, occasionally shooting back at their pursuers. Rey streaks out ahead of them, cutting down anyone who gets in their way.

And she’s _glorious_. Her hair is down, no sign of the tight little buns that she usually wears. Her eyes are fire as she attacks. She’s learned a lot more than he thought she did, somehow managing to delve deep into the connection they’ve forged to borrow moves he recognizes as his own. She swings the lightsaber wide and takes out the next Stormtrooper who dares to step too close.

The grimace on her face as the man falls is beautiful in its own way. She will never _not_ care, he realizes. And he wonders when he became numb to it all. Was it the night he helped destroy his uncle’s temple, laying waste not only to structure but the potential Jedi in their huts? Was it after the first person Snoke ordered him to kill? The second? The hundredth? He doesn’t even know anymore.

But not Rey. He knows this somehow, the light in her so bright that nothing could possibly extinguish it.

She is everything his mother, his father, his uncle wanted him to be.

She’s _everything_.

_Get out of my head_.

And then he’s thrown out, forcefully, his head hitting the wall as he comes back into his own body. “They’re almost there,” he says without thinking.

“Almost…” his mother starts to say.

“They’re at the hangar where they’ve stashed their shuttle. They can make it. Just give them time.” They’re watching him like he’s either delirious or insane and they’re not sure which it might be.

“How do you…”

“Know? Trust me. I know.”

There’s silence then, complete radio silence. It lasts far longer than Kylo would have liked. “Ben,” his father says, putting his hand on his shoulder. Kylo’s eyes move up to his quickly, but look away. Compassion doesn’t sit quite right on the gruff, old man, and Kylo winces. “You care about her.”

And it’s not a question.

It’s a statement.

“I’m not answering that,” he shoots back with.

“That’s what I thought,” his father says and that cocky grin is back. _Damn him_.

“Incoming!” someone shouts and Kylo glances at the radar.

“They made it!” someone else says.

There’s a crackle and then – “We’re free of the Supremacy. ETA three minutes.”

Kylo glances at the clock that’s running down. They’re going to cut it close. There’s only four and a half minutes left before the system resets and they can track them again. But it’s enough. He’s up and out of his chair and racing to the hangar before anyone else can even move. He tries to ignore his father’s laugh as he races away.

* * *

“How much longer?” Rey asks as they fly out of the Supremacy. No one fires on them. That might be the strangest thing about it all. Somehow the commotion went unnoticed by anyone but a handful of Stormtroopers. They’d been cut down before they could raise the alarm, Rey’s lightsaber blazing and the blasters firing, ending their lives in a blaze of quiet fury. If they can get back to the _Raddus_ in time, they’ll be gone before the First Order even knows what happened.

_They’re overconfident_ , Kylo had told them. _They won’t even see you coming. You just have to blend in and you’ll go unnoticed. They won’t be looking for anything amiss because they’re untouchable._

If it hadn’t been for Finn, well, they would have gone unnoticed. And Finn still has that haunted look in his eyes. She can almost hear what he’s thinking as he gives her a long look. It speaks volumes about things she doesn’t want to think about at the moment. “Finn?”

He blinks once and finally tears his gaze away from her to glance down at the controls. “Just a little over three minutes until we rendezvous with the _Raddus_.”

She comms in to let them know and she can feel it… _his_ relief at hearing they’re safe. It comes to her as clearly as his appearance did while they were fighting. She doesn’t understand that, what happened there. It was almost as if he was… _checking_ …on her. She’d pushed him out though, and fought even harder to get back to their shuttle.

Rose leans toward Finn and Rey has to look away as she puts her hand over his, whispers something in his ear. There’s an intimacy there she’s been noticing more and more, small touches and soft smiles, and she hasn’t asked Rose what’s going on. But she wants to.

She knows about Kylo, after all. It’s only fair.

“One minute,” Rose announces as Rey maneuvers the shuttle. The _Raddus_ is coming up quickly and Rey breathes a sigh of relief.

They’re going to make it.

This is going to work.

_Holy kriff_.

And then they’re in the hangar and the door has closed behind them. “Jump. _Now_.” Rey says into the comm line and she feels the old ship jump into hyperspace a moment later.

They’re safe.

For now at least.

Finn and Rose are up and out of their seats and Rey tries to ignore the way they fall into a hug. As if it’s easy and the most natural thing in the world, and she once again wonders just how long _this_ has been going on.

“I can’t believe we did it,” Finn says as the ramp lowers and they step down off the shuttle. There’s a huge group there. Rey doesn’t know what she expected, but not that. Applause goes up the instant they see them and she sighs. All she _really_ wants to do is sleep.

Sleep until she no longer aches.

Sleep until she can’t hear the screams of the men she’d just killed. Faceless nobodies. But she knows better than that. Any one of them could have been Finn. Stolen from childhood, forced to be something they’re not, brainwashed and abused. They’re dead now. Dead at her hands and at Finn’s and even sweet Rose’s.

_This is war_.

And she hates it.

So when she steps off and sees them _all_ , she’s just not _ready_ to face them.

_Flee_.

But then _he_ separates himself from the group. She doesn’t know why she missed him at first. He’s moving swiftly, almost running, and she stops just at the bottom of the ramp and gapes at him. His hair is wild about his head as he runs straight to her and…

And grabs her, wrapping strong arms around her and pulling her in tight and close to him. One of his hands comes up to touch her hair, run down her shoulders, her back. “I thought I was going to lose you,” he murmurs into her hair.

And the Force help her, she lets him. She hugs him back. _Hugs_ him. Kylo Ren. She’s hugging him and she can hear, as if coming from a place from miles distant, the applause die down.

“Kylo,” she murmurs, and he wraps himself even tighter around her. “ _Kylo_.” Her voice is sharper this time. He pulls back then and the hand that comes up to touch the side of her face actually _trembles_ a little. “I’m _fine_.” She can’t see over his shoulder but she knows…she can feel all their eyes on them. When she glances over at Finn, she cringes at the open-mouthed stare he’s giving her.

Rose, of course, is smirking. No, Rey realizes. She’s _smiling_.

_At least someone approves…_

“Everyone’s staring,” Rey says softly to him and _that_ gets his attention. He steps back, wrapping his arms around himself and coughs a couple times. His cheeks are tinged pink and as he glances around the room, and sees they are all indeed staring at them, he stands up straighter.

“Sorry,” he mutters and then he’s gone, pushing through the crowd. They part around him like the sea parting for a ship. No one wants to get close. No one wants to touch him.

“Rey?” Finn says and she turns back toward him with a sigh. “What the hell was that?”

“I _did_ spend several days alone with him,” she snaps back. She doesn’t mean to sound so harsh, so _angry_ , but _kriff_ , she can feel the irritation welling up inside her. She’s _tired._ Tired of it all. Of being the “Jedi” they want to turn to, tired of the Force and of fighting whatever this _thing_ is with Kylo.

She starts to step away. _What else can be said?_ But then Poe is there and he’s watching her with soft, concerned eyes. “Hey,” he says as she starts to head out. “Are you ok?”

“I’m _fine_ ,” she mutters.

“But…”

“I’m fine,” she repeats and then looks out at the crowd around them, watching like vultures awaiting their chance at prey. “Everything is fine,” she says, loud enough for anyone near them to hear. “Please just…I’m fine.”

And then she _does_ leave. Poe steps out of her way at least. She can hear Finn calling for her, interrupted halfway through no doubt by Rose. She knows Rose won’t betray her confidence, but she _knows_ about them. And now she’s seen it firsthand.

_Damn you Kylo, why did you have to make such a spectacle of things?_

As she races from the room, she can hear it erupt in shouts and confusion. And for a moment, just one moment, her eyes meet Han’s and he nods slowly at her, that same half-grin on his face that she’s seen sometimes ghost across Kylo’s.

And then she’s free.

And she has no idea where to go.


	23. Chapter 23

The trip to Chandrila takes nearly a week. A whole week in which she alternates between attempting to relax and feeling like she might throw up. It’s a strange feeling, really. Elated and yet sick to her stomach, worried and scared and relieved all at the same time.

She can feel everyone’s eyes on her when she leaves her quarters, the way heads swivel at her approach, conversations dying down when she’s close enough to hear them. Sometimes even when she’s _not_ close enough, as if being a Jedi-in-training, or whatever she is, gives her the ability to eavesdrop on their conversations from across the room or down the hallway.

Retreating to her quarters seems like the best idea and so she hides out there, pulling a few ration bars out of her packs for her meals and only leaving when absolutely necessary. She’s not even sure who she’s avoiding really.

Finn, perhaps. He certainly looked betrayed when he saw her wrap her arms around Kylo Ren.

Or Leia, whose raised eyebrows had made her flush with embarrassment.

Or Kylo.

And that, perhaps, is the crux of the problem. She’s hiding from _him_. Even if she knows she can’t completely, even if she knows he’ll find her, in her dreams, in her daydreams. He’ll find her if he wants to. He’ll find her even if he _doesn’t_ want to. It’s not like either of them asked for this strange connection.

_It’s his fault_ , comes the voice in her head. _He pushed into your mind first_. And she knows that’s true, but it barely seems to matter anymore. She pushed back and forged the connection just as much as he did.

And so Rey hides. Hides from her friends, from the Resistance commanders, hides from whatever Kylo Ren is to her. Hiding…being alone. These are things Rey is good at. These are things that she’s used to.

* * *

There’s a knock at her door.

Then another.

She doesn’t even want to answer, really. She’s been holed up pretty tight in her room since they returned from their mission. The mission had been a success. That much she could be proud of. She’d held her own against Stormtroopers, she’d help to bring them all home, let what was left of their ragtag band of Resistance fighters get to safety.

But then there had been _him_.

In front of everyone.

And she knew there would be questions asked, questions she didn’t know the answers to.

_You know the questions, Rey. You just don’t want to explore them_.

She shakes her head as the comm panel chirps to life. “Rey?” comes the tentative voice on the other end. Finn. He’s tried to comm her at least once a day since they jumped to hyperspace. She can hear the concern in his voice, in just that one syllable of her name.

_Why did you do it, Kylo? Why did you show everyone that we…that…we’re…_ She can’t even define it, isn’t sure she _wants_ to. All she knows is that when he pulled her in close, wrapped her up in those strong arms of his, she felt safe.

No, more than that.

She felt like she was home.

It’s not something she really wants to examine all that closely and so she does something she really does _not_ want to do. She opens the door. “Finn.”

There’s a worried crease between his brows, his hand still raised as if he were going to knock again. “Rey.”

“Yes?”

“I…um…we’ll reach Chandrila within the hour.” He looks like he wants to say something else, but Rey still breaths a small sigh of relief.

“I don’t really understand what we’re doing there,” she admits.

“Leia…the general…she says we might be able to drum up support there. It’s where Mon Mothma was from.” Rey really only knows a little of galactic history, gleaned from overhearing conversations as she grew up on Jakku. But she’s heard of Mon Mothma and she’s heard her name linked with Leia’s before.

If her world could support them, give them ships, a home base, then maybe they’ll be able to launch attacks, _real_ attacks on the First Order.

Rey nods.

“Can I…” Finn’s voice trails off and there’s a bit of sweat on his brow. He’s nervous. It’s no more than she really expected. She’s fraternizing with the enemy, as it were. Even if he’s on their side, she knows he’s _still_ the enemy to most.

_When did you stop looking at him that way?_

“Can I come in?” he finally gets out.

Rey sighs and steps back, waving a hand to direct him in. When the door hisses shut, she flinches. “I know what you’re going to say.”

“Do you?” Finn says, turning back around to look at her. “Do you really? Because Rey, I think we need an explanation.”

“ _We_ do? Or _you_ do?”

Finn throws his hands up in the air. “You hugged him, Rey. I mean, at first I thought you were being assaulted by him and I was going to step in. But then _you_ hugged _him_ and what the hell am I supposed to think?”

“I _did_ spend several days alone on a ship with him,” Rey shoots back with and cringes.

“Yeah,” Finn says. “Yeah you did. You told me that before. Like that’s some sort of excuse.” She says nothing, not even sure she can defend this thing, not even sure she _knows_ what he Kylo to her. “He’s _Kylo Ren_ , Rey. Do you remember him? He’s the one who killed Lor San Tekka in cold blood. And ordered the killing of an entire village. You’ve heard about that haven’t you? Massacred them all.”

“Finn…”

“And here you are, _hugging_ him in front of the entire Resistance.”

She tries to think of anything to say, any justification for what this is, for what he is to her. But her mind is blank and the words won’t come out “Yes,” is all she manages to just barely squeak out.

“That’s all you’ve got to say?”

“I don’t know what else to say,” she admits. “It just…happened.”

_He’s not the man you think he is._

_He’s not even the man_ I _think he is_.

The look Finn gives her is dark with meaning. “I just hope you know what you’re doing.” She nods, and he steps toward the door. “I guess we’ll see you down on the planet.”

And then he’s gone. Rey slumps to her bed as the door slides shut. There’s so much more that she didn’t tell him, _couldn’t_ tell him. So much even she does not understand at this point. How do you explain to someone that a bond was forged, that you disappear inside their mind and they into yours, that you can communicate without being in the same room?

She has no way to explain it, and so she sets to packing her meager belongings. She has no idea how long they’re going to be on Chandrila. But she’s been told they’ll all be given their own quarters there, that there’s plenty of room on the sparsely populated world for them all.

And yet she still fears that the planet may be too small, too closed in, that she cannot get far enough away from Kylo or her wayward emotions.

* * *

“Son.” He looks up to see his mother approaching. It’s been nearly six days and he’s sure they’re close to Chandrila. He’s not been there in years, not since he barely came past his mother’s knee, but he has strong memories of the rolling hills, the creatures on the game preserves where his father took him against his mother’s wishes. He’s not sure if he’s happy to be back or dreading it.

It was an idyllic planet during the one idyllic time of his life. He remembers it with a fondness that little else evokes.

“We’re almost there, aren’t we?” he says.

He knows that’s not what she’s here for.

It’s not what _anyone_ is here for. He’s come to the mess hall every single day, sits in the corner, and waits and watches for her. _Rey_. He almost lost her, almost heard her cut down and when she shoved him out of their bond, he was sure she was dead. He could feel _nothing,_ and he was terrified. Absolutely mortally terrified.

He’s never felt like that before. There’s been terror, his uncle standing over him in the dark of night, Snoke ripping into his mind. But this? This was something different. This was the world dropping out from under you when you realize the _one person_ who seems to understand you, who seems to really _care_ , may be lost before they could ever know what they…what they…he doesn’t even want to think the words, and so looks to his mother for whatever comes next.

“Do you mind if I join you?” Leia asks instead, and Ben just shrugs.

She sits. Of course she does. “You never were much of a talker.” There’s a strange, gentle smile on her face.

“There’s not much to talk about.”

“Not even Rey?”

And there’s the barb, that little pointed footnote to it all. _Everyone_ had been there to welcome back the heroes. _Everyone_ had seen his frantic rushing to her, seen him wrap her up in his embrace, seen her _return it_. He hadn’t been alone in that hug and though he had wanted to kiss her, and desperately so, he was content with knowing that she had wrapped herself up with him, that for just a moment she had seemed as frantic to see him as he was to see her.

“I don’t want to talk about Rey,” he mutters.

“Of course you don’t. But you need to.”

“She’s avoiding me,” he admits. It’s the only explanation. She hasn’t been to the mess hall any of the times he’s been there, so she’s either having someone bring her food or sneaking in at odd hours. She hasn’t been to the training room. He’s spent a lot of time there, alternately training and meditating. But she’s not been there, and nor does he sense her Force signature there among the weapons and practice droids.

And while she hasn’t cut herself off from the Force, which he’s not even sure she _can_ do at this point, she’s somehow managed to keep their bond quiet.

She’s not even in his nightmares.

Or his dreams.

It’s like she’s vanished entirely.

It’s not a comfortable feeling, that. He’s gotten used to feeling her presence curled up in some small corner of his mind. But she’s been gone. And he has only himself to blame.

“Can you blame her?”

Kylo’s eyes shoot up and meet his mother’s then. “Mother?”

“Oh don’t you _mother_ me. I don’t know Rey, not like you probably do.” He can feel himself blush at that. “But I do know that she’s spent most of her life alone. She has friends now. You know that, I’m sure. Finn, the ex-Stormtrooper that came with you. And Rose. Even Poe.”

He sneers at that. _Poe_. Poe is everything Kylo is not. Handsome, confident, _good_.

“Oh don’t give me _that_ look. It wasn’t Poe she was holding onto like a dying woman clinging to life.”

“I went to her.”

One of his mother’s eyebrows rises. “You did. We all saw that.” He feels himself flush. “But she was just as frantic and just as…well, let’s say _involved_ …as you were.”

If she had seen it too, then everyone else had. Everyone, including those friends. “Which means bad things for her friendships,” he surmises.

Friends with Kylo Ren, enemy of the Resistance, Snoke’s pet. He knows how most still view him, despite the intel he’s shared, despite his attempts at taking out the First Order right alongside them. He’s still a traitor. He’s still _evil_.

He always will be.

His mother watches him for another moment and finally reaches over, pats his hand. “Just something to think about, Ben.”

She leaves then.

And he realizes after she’s gone that he didn’t bother to correct her on his name.

_Who are you, really?_ It’s not the first time he’s wondered that.

* * *

Rey’s first view of Chandrila is as they fly over rolling grasslands. It’s not Takodana, not the frosty woods of Starkiller Base. It’s…serene…she realizes. Peaceful. She’s surprised actually. She’s not really sure what she expected out of Chandrila, but so much unoccupied land was not part of it.

It’s like Jakku. Only with _life_.

Watching those rolling hills as they come closer to what she’s been told is their capital city, she thinks that she could be very happy racing along those hills, rolling in the grass, watching the clouds float by.

_Clouds_.

They’re not something she appreciated in her short time on Takodana, enthralled with the plant life as she was. Clouds were rare on Jakku and when they came, they brought torrential downpours or sandstorms. They weren’t something to lazily watch while laying on a comfortable bed of grass.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” comes the voice from next to her.

She’s still avoiding as many people as possible, but there are some things Rey can’t resist. And watching as they come to land on a planet is one of them. She doesn’t think take offs and landings will _ever_ get old.

“General,” she says as Leia comes to stand next to her.

“None of that, Rey. I’m just Leia here.”

“Because of Kylo…because of your son.”

Leia offers her a soft smile. “You’re good for him, you know.”

“I…” she started to say. Force, what does she say to this woman? It’s not like she didn’t see what happened in the hangar when they arrived in the Falcon.

“You don’t need to say anything,” Leia says, and Rey’s eyes widen. Leia just offers a soft chuckle. “It was written all over your face. Don’t worry, I can’t read minds.”

“You do have it though, don’t you? The Force?”

“I do,” she confirms with a small nod of her head.

“But you don’t use it.”

Leia says nothing for a moment and then finally looks away from Rey, turns to watch as the rolling hills flatten the closer they get to the city. “No,” she says finally.

“But…” Rey’s not sure what to say, what she wants to ask exactly. She feels _compelled_ to use it, can feel it digging into her mind, pushing and pulling and molding her in some ways. She feels _different_. Freer than before and yet _not_ at the same time. She knows she needs to do something about it, something about _him_. It weighs heavily on her mind most hours of the day.

Leia reaches out a hand to touch Rey’s shoulder and Rey almost flinches back from the touch. She’s not _used_ to touch. But there’s a comfort there, in the light brush of Leia’s fingertips against her shoulder. “We all have a choice.”

She can feel the tears behind her eyes. “I…” She takes a deep breath. “I don’t think I have one.”

“You do,” Leia asserts, releasing her. Rey’s not sure what to say to that, tries to formulate _some_ response, when she watches Leia’s hands clench and then unclench, an unconscious gesture she’s come to associate with her son. “Once, long ago, I thought about it.” She admits that like it’s one of her most painful secrets, her lips pursed, eyes staring out at the passing fields. “I think anyone might be tempted by it, had they been told this _thing_ resides inside them.”

“What made you…” Her voice trails off. She has no idea what she’s trying to ask.

“What made me decide to turn my back on it? My career, for one. You don’t have to worry about that.” Leia’s eyes slide over to hers. “I don’t think politics is something you have much interest in.” Rey almost smiles at that. She is most definitely _not_ cut out for political maneuvering. She barely thinks about what comes out of her mouth before she speaks. She’d be a wreck of a politician. “Politics and the Force?” Leia goes on with. “They’re not the best mixture. You might have heard, of course, of Sheev Palpatine and his machinations.”

Rey nods at that. Of course she has. _Everyone_ knows about the Emperor. She once thought it myth, legend, something the other scavengers of Jakku used to scare each other with. She now knows there’s a truth behind it all that’s much more chilling.

“The other, of course, was my father…”

“Darth Vader,” she whispers.

“Anakin, his name was. Anakin Skywalker. Luke knows much more of that part of his life.” Leia’s lips are a grim line. “I knew all I need to know.”

_Did you?_ Rey almost asks, but chokes the words back. “I don’t know my parents,” she finally murmurs. Was her father the one with the Force? Her mother? Or was she some random nobody who’s been graced with whatever this _thing_ is that lives inside her?

“I’m not sure it matters.”

“It did to you.”

Leia offers her a grim smile. “I was young and impulsive and _scared_. Today, I might have made a different choice.”

And there it is again. _Choice_. “Can I?” Rey murmurs. “Can I really? I don’t feel that I have any other choice.”

“You _always_ do.” When her eyes meet Rey’s, there’s an earnestness behind the intent gaze. “But something tells me your choice is not _my_ choice.” Her lips turn up in a bit of a smile, soft and sad. “And you’ll make the right one eventually.”

Leia looks away then and Rey realizes that they’re about to touch down on one of the large launch pads. In a way, she’s glad. She’s not sure what she’d even say.

Leia smiles at her, gentle and soft. “Come on then. At least for a couple days you can enjoy all Chandrila has to offer. Maybe then you can decide if you’re one of _them_.” And she knows what she means. Someone like her brother, like her son.

_You are, Rey. You know you are_.

She pushes the voice away, clamps down on it. She’s not ready to face him. Not yet. But she will be, she knows. And it’s at that moment that she knows she’ll have to decide which path to follow.

* * *

He sees her as he steps off the _Raddus_. She’s with his mother, which is a surprise for some reason. He expects her to be with Finn or Poe or any of the other Resistance fighters she surely must be spending her time with. But no, she stands at his mother’s side as they greet the head of the Chandrillan Senate.

There’s something in her posture that makes him worried. Shoulders slightly slumped, eyes looking ahead and not around. Not even when his mother swivels and the head of the Senate nods as she sees him.

Ben has never had any reason to return to Chandrila, never _wanted_ to. He was born there and spent far too much time tagging along with his mother on her political exploits to the planet. He can sense their great disappointment with him, the prodigal son fallen to the Dark side, now home. But in what capacity?

The lack of trust flows from them and he sighs.

He wonders, sometimes, if this whole thing was worth it. Coming home, subjected to the hate and horror of it all.

_You were better off before_.

He straightens up so suddenly, hand going to the lightsaber at his belt, that the people next to him startle and move away.

That voice…

_Kriff_.

He’s not even sure if it’s imagination or not at this point, but a shiver traces down the back of his neck, leaving goosebumps in its wake.

He watches them for a moment longer and when no one else turns to look at him, he walks away, stepping down from the launching pad and moving through a crowd that parts almost like butter, as if no one cares to come to close, to touch him.

Near the end of the crowd, he stops for a moment, stares at the hills in the distance.

He needs to get away. There’s an oily feeling wrapping its way around him, tugging, shifting. _Push against it…force it out._

And so he walks.

The headache begins at his left temple, a niggling little thing at first.

Still he walks.

He feels it at his neck next, fingers digging into the delicate skin there. He grits his teeth against the pain, swallows hard, and loosens the top buttons of his shirt.

And still he walks.

The pain at his temple spreads, sharp, likes claws digging through his skin, through his skull.  He lets out a gasp, but there’s no one there to hear it.

He stops walking, looks up.

_How did he get so far?_

He can’t see the launching pad anymore, can’t see the _Raddus_. He can just barely make out the city. He’s walked miles and _he_ _doesn’t remember them_.

_My boy_ …

No.

_You’re not one of them…_

I am, he thinks. I need to be.

_For her?_ And there’s laughter there, sharp and cutting.

_Do you think she cares?_

_Do you think any of them do?_

Sharp pain, like a drill into his temple, hits him. It drives him to his knees.

“No!” The single word comes out of him on a roar. His hand is on his lightsaber, turning it on and swinging it wildly. He burns the grass, but there’s little out there in those rolling hills to damage. And so he strikes at it, strikes at the ground, over and over again.

The pain intensifies.

He lets out a scream, fractured, wordless.

Just as the world goes dark, he hears the voice again.

_I am the only one who ever cared…_


	24. Chapter 24

Rey wakes with a feeling in the pit of her stomach that she can’t explain. She didn’t mean to fall asleep, but after being shown to her room and seeing the gigantic bed, the comfortable mattress, that she was going to get to use while they were there, it just…happened.

The day had been such a rush of emotions. Leaving the _Raddus_ , meeting the Chandrillan Senate. She stood at Leia’s side through introductions, handshakes, kisses on the cheeks, and _the Jedi have returned_. They all know. They see her and they _know_. They’ve given her a title ( _I am not a Jedi_ , _she tries to say but can’t get the words out_ ). They’ve given her respect.

It’s more than she can take.

And all through it, no sign of Kylo Ren. She could feel their connection crackle at times, could feel him pressing into her mind and then backing off. He doesn’t want to be there, she realizes. He wants to be anywhere _but_ the planet they’ve landed on. She doesn’t know why until Leia softly whispers to her that it’s where Ben was born and everyone there knows him.

And worse, they know what became of him. Soft words said in sympathy, a hand to the shoulder, _Leia we’re so sorry they took your son_.

But he’s _back_ , Rey wants to scream at them. _He came back_.

Her stomach roils then, and she feels speared through the gut, hands cold and clammy, room spinning around her. Rolling over, she almost loses the content of her stomach on the side of her very nice bed before she manages to choke the bile down.

They won’t give him a chance. No one will. He’ll forever be that frightening, masked being who struck such terror into the masses.

Another wave of nausea hits her and this time she does lose the contents of her stomach.

Something sharp pierces her mind, sharp like claws, like the darkness that comes just before one loses consciousness.

_Help_.

She hears the word, faint, _terrified_.

A scream.

She’s sure it’s a nightmare.

She tries to wake up. But there’s nothing to wake up from, nothing keeping her under. She’s awake and there’s something crawling inside her like tiny insects twisting and burrowing their way into the crevices of her mind.

She tries to scream.

The voice in her head is already screaming.

She sits up with a gasp. _Kylo_.

He’s out there, somewhere. She can feel his connection to her, faded but there. But there’s something else there, riding along that current of the Force

_Snoke_.

She gasps.

The thread connecting her to Ben snaps taut and she can feel _that creature_ pushing at it, trying to shut it down.

_She is the only thing holding you back_. She hears the words as clear as day. _Without her, you will soar to the greatest heights._

_Come back to me, Kylo Ren._

_Come back and be everything you were meant to be_.

She’s on her feet before she can even think of what she’s doing, stumbling almost blindly from the room. She just barely remembers to grab her lightsaber in her mad dash out to find him.

* * *

_Do you feel that? Weakness, my apprentice._

“I’m not your apprentice.”

Cold laughter. Dark, like knives ripping through his mind. He tries to throw up his defenses, hands coming up as if those alone could ward him off.

_You think you can stay away, boy?_

The claws dig in, twist.

“I’m not your apprentice!” he says louder. He’s not. He can’t be. If he goes back, Snoke will kill him. No, worse. He _won’t_ kill him. He’ll keep him in everlasting agony, attacking him with Force lightning for so much as thinking the wrong thing. He’ll twist him up again, take all those emotions, the feelings of neglect, of never being good enough, and twist them into something ugly and hateful.

_It’s who you are_. Here his voice turns almost cajoling, as if he’s trying to pull the child he once  was back in. _Do you think you’re Ben Solo?_ Another wheezing laugh. Oh, how he hates that laugh, that grating wheezing noise, like the broken bellows of an old accordion.

“I _am_ Ben Solo.”

And he means it.

He’s not Kylo Ren. He hasn’t been Kylo Ren since he handed his lightsaber to his father and followed him to the Falcon. He hasn’t been Kylo Ren since he first took a lonely scavenger into his arms and formed a bond with her that can’t be broken.

_You think it can’t._ Snoke’s voice in his head turns dark, a gathering of shadows. He can feel it rip through his mind with more force. _You think I can’t break you? Can’t break_ her _?_

At Ben’s gasp, Snoke offers that dry heaving sound that passes for a laugh. _You do. You think I can’t break her. You think she won’t bow to me? Even now, she’s rushing toward you. Toward_ us _. Ah, you don’t believe me._

He sucks in a deep breath. He can feel the connection between them growing stronger, can feel her worry, her panic, can feel her moving across the fields. The same fields he had traversed to end up here, mind pierced by the unending hate and anger and torture that is Snoke.

“She won’t,” he just barely gasps out.

He’s driven to his knees.

His face is pushed into the grass.

What should feel beautiful and comfortable just feels tainted. What should feel soft, scratches across the side of his face where it’s pressed hard into the ground.

_Maybe I don’t need you,_ Snoke says. The words are almost conversational, as if they hold no more consequence than expressing a desire for breakfast or a stroll in the park. _Maybe she’s the one I really need. All that Skywalker blood raging in your veins and what good are you?_

“She’s stronger than you,” Kylo bites out.

His face is pushed deeper into the ground.

_The next Vader_. He can hear the scorn in Snoke’s voice, echoing around his head. He’d often called him that, pulled him through whatever sympathy he had for Snoke’s latest victim by invoking his grandfather’s legacy. _Vader_ wouldn’t have felt sympathy. _Vader_ would have crushed them beneath his bootheels without a second thought. _You’re the heir to Darth Vader’s destiny, the one who will finish what he’d started._

But what _had_ he started?

_A glorious Empire._ Snoke sounds almost self-satisfied at that, as if Snoke had anything to do with it. _But he was weak. Weak like his son. Weak like his grandson._

“I am not weak,” he starts to say, but the words are choked out as Snoke pushes him further into the ground.

Or is it himself, he wonders, as he sucks in a lungful of grass and dirt, choking on it, coughing, almost vomiting into the soft grasses that he is being forced into. Is he pushing himself to do this? Is he dreaming all of this?

Is Snoke even real?

Is _he_ real?

Snoke just laughs. Or the creature he thinks is Snoke, at least.

_Maybe I never left my uncle’s academy. Maybe I’m still there._ Maybe it’s all in his mind, the fractured rantings of that being who used to be Ben Solo. The one who cried out during nightmares fueled by dark horrors. The one who was desperate for connection, who never seemed to _matter_ to anyone.

_You mattered to me_.

“No,” he mumbles into the ground.

He tries to take a breath.

He can’t.

He feels something cold and clammy at his neck, pushing him down, holding him there, mouth full of dirt, nose pressed into the grass.

He manages to get in one last breath.

But then he’s pushed in further, the ground swallows him up, and there it’s only dark. Dark and dank and _cold_.

And all he can hear, as his mind fades to black, is the sharp hissing of that _laugh_.

* * *

Rey isn’t even sure where she’s going. She’s not even sure where she _is_ anymore. She’s stolen a speeder. Right out from the nose of the people sitting at a nearby café, enjoying a cup of caf and some sort of food that looks ridiculously decadent. She can hear their shouts as she tears off down the narrow streets of the city.

She hits the rolling hills at a speed that leaves her breathless, almost a little dizzy as she feels the wind in her face and sees the grasses moving beneath her. She’s pushing the machine to its limits. She can hear it whir underneath her, the sound increasing in pitch, a strange whine that tells her she should slow down before the whole thing keels over.

But she can’t.

She can feel him out there.

No, more than that. She can hear him, inside her head, can feel the rush of his emotions. Nausea and horror and the sort of desire she understands so well. The desire to belong, to be someone, to _mean_ something to someone.

_He_ is there with him.

_Snoke_.

It shouldn’t surprise her, really. He’d been deep inside his head once and though she knows he’s fighting it at every turn, Snoke is still mired deep within him somewhere. He’s a parasite and she wonders sometimes if Snoke could even exist if it weren’t for Ben Solo’s strength in the Force.

She feels a tug on the bond and drops her shields for just a moment.

_Don’t be ridiculous, girl._

It’s not Kylo, not Ben. It’s _him_. She snarls as she pushes the speeder even more.

“You can’t have him!” she shouts into the wind. There are clouds gathering in the distance, dark and ominous.

_You don’t think so?_ The voice is so calm, and Rey feels the rage bubble up inside her.

“He’s not yours!”

_He’s always been mine_.

The whine of the speeder becomes a scream as she presses forward. The world around her is a blur, her only focus inward. On Snoke, on Ben. She can feel him there, somewhere out on the hillside, can feel Snoke hovering over him, pressing into him.

“He’s never been yours,” she snarls. The rage dances along her skin, the electricity before a storm.

_He was mine from the moment he was born_.

“No!” she shouts. The hair on the back of her neck stands up, goosebumps forming along the bare skin of her arms.

She knows where he is.

She can feel him, up ahead, near the edge of the forest.

_Even now, he is mine, child._

Another snarl.

_Such rage! Yes! Plumb those depths and I can have you both!_

She can see him now, face down in the dirt. The speeder makes a loud scream as she pulls it in for a quick stop. Kylo doesn’t move at the noise.

“Oh kriff,” she murmurs as she leaps off the speeder and rushes to his side. His mouth is pressed deep into the ground, hands like claws at his side, as if he’s trying to push himself against some _thing_ that is pushing him into the ground.

She kneels, tries to pull him up. He’s like dead weight.

_Almost_ , comes the insidious whisper in her head.

“Kylo!” She pushes harder at his shoulder, but still there’s no movement. He doesn’t so much as take a breath, no twitch at his brow or shift of his body. Instead, she watches as his face pushes just that much further into the ground.

She shouts his name again.

Snarls something incoherent.

And then it’s all instinct. She puts a hand on his shoulder, shuts her eyes, and she’s _there_. Back inside his head. It’s dark there, dark and quiet but she can _feel_ him. He’s still there. He’s still alive.

Snoke laughs.

She can hear the dry, wheezing sound echoing all around her.

“You won’t kill him!” she snarls at the unseen horror.

_Just you watch!_

And she can _feel_ him struggle against Snoke. There may be no movement from his body, but his mind is there and pushing against him with everything he has. It’s not good enough, she realizes. He’s not strong enough. She can feel the thread that connects her to him go threadbare, points of darkness ripping into it, trying to shred it to pieces.

It’s what Snoke has wanted.

And now he has them.

Both of them.

Rey grabs onto the thread, holding it tight, keeping it together. “You don’t want him dead,” she says.

_Don’t I?_

His voice is like the sharp sound a fork makes as it scrapes along a plate. It sets her on edge, but she steels herself for more of it.

“No. If you did, he wouldn’t still be alive.”

Snoke twists whatever hold he has over Kylo and she feels him writhe around her, his mind trying to fight at it, so close to slipping away.

“You can’t have him.” She wraps the thread around herself and raises her hands above her head. She can feel electricity building, zipping along veins and arteries, flying out to her fingertips and beyond.

She expects Force lightning.

Snoke expects it too. She can feel him clamoring for it, can hear his wheezing laughter, feel his excitement at the prospect. He’s ready to let go of Kylo, let go of Ben Solo. He’s ready to take _her_ on as his apprentice.

In that moment his thoughts are clear as day.

And so when pure light flies out from her fingertips, wrapping tight around Kylo Ren’s mind, Snoke is caught completely unawares.

_Nooooo!!!_

She pulls tighter, the band between fills with light. Every last crevice that Snoke had ripped into it is filled with the light of the Force, and then it too wraps around her, wraps around Kylo…around _Ben_ …

And then she’s thrust out of his mind, left gasping on the ground next to him.

Snoke is gone.

She’s left watching the clouds above them, no longer gather into a darkening storm, but now delicate white wisps floating lazily above them. The sun is low in the sky, sunset near, and she wonders just how long she was inside his head.

She takes a deep breath and turns. He hasn’t moved, not really at least. He’s still laying face down in the dirt, but his head is not pressed in as deeply, and it’s tilted just slightly to the side.

He’s breathing.

“Kylo,” she whispers, rolling over and pushing herself to her knees. She crawls the few feet to him and touches his shoulder. He shifts, his head turning further to the side. It’s the first real sign of life from him and she feels tears prick at the edges of her vision. He’s alive. Snoke didn’t take him. _He’s there_.

She repeats his name.

He doesn’t move.

She pushes at his shoulder. A little harder this time.

“Ben?”

She feels the warmth of the bond hit her, almost hard enough to knock her over. He takes a gasping breath and finally, his eyes open just a crack. “Rey?” His voice breaks on the single syllable of her name, but she’s almost sure it’s the best damned thing she’s ever heard.

“Kylo!” She shouts the word with glee and watches as he grimaces.

“I liked Ben better,” he mumbles. She doesn’t have a chance to respond to that. He shifts to his back and sits up. “Where am I?”

“You don’t know?”

He blinks once, then again, shakes his head a little. There’s still grass in his hair, dirt on his face. Rey reaches into one of her packs and holds out one of the handkerchiefs she finds there. As he takes it, he nods, and she feels the warmth flood her through the bond again.

“You left,” she starts with.

“I remember that,” he murmurs. “I needed to get away. All those eyes…” He shudders. “But it was more than that.” His eyes close, his lips thin out for a moment.

“I know,” she says and reaches out, touching her fingers lightly to his hand. He turns his hand then and grasps hers, entwining their fingers. For a moment she can see inside his mind again, can see as he moves across the plains, more asleep than awake.

“It was like this call, this _need_. I had to follow it.” He opens his eyes. “It led me here. I don’t even know where _here_ is.”

“It’s nowhere.” Not that she can tell at least. Just far enough away from the city that one couldn’t see it from where they sat, the rolling hills disrupting the view. But not too far. She feels like she’s gone hundreds of miles when she knows it’s probably only a scant few. She had pushed the speeder to its limits, but still she’s sure it’s not more than five or six from the base at most.

“I suppose that’s what he wanted.”

“Snoke,” he says, and he shudders.

She can still feel him, pressing there against her mind in some ways. He may have fled, but he is _not_ gone. Not for good. He’s still out there. He still needs to be destroyed.

“You…” he starts to say and then cocks his head, watching her. “You threw him out.”

“Did I?” He nods. “I don’t…”

“That Force light? I don’t even know what that _was_.” He looks impressed, but then frowns. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“Another question for your uncle?”

He lets out a small huffing noise. “Perhaps.”

“What _is_ going on here? I don’t understand anything.”

He looks away from her, his eyes falling somewhere just beyond her. “I wish I knew.”

She sighs and pushes back to her feet. He doesn’t move for a moment, just looks up at her. There’s a world-weariness in his eyes, as if he’s seen everything and found it wanting, found _himself_ lacking. “Come on,” she says at last. “I think maybe we need to go back.” She offers her hand to him. “Can you walk?”

His eyes close and he reaches out a hand to grasp hers. His grip is sure at least, sure and strong. He pulls himself to his feet at her side and she finds herself swallowing the lump that forms in her throat when she finds him suddenly so _present_. Sitting on the grass, he seemed almost small, inconsequential. Standing above her, strong and still with this mix of dark and light she can’t help but be pulled to, he’s _everything_.

“Clearly,” he mutters.

He lets go of her hand and glances behind her. “You came on a speeder?”

She shrugs. “I wanted to get here fast.”

“How _did_ you find me?”

“You were broadcasting loudly.” This she says with a smirk.

“Ah.”

“Apparently I’m not the only one.” She starts to walk off when he moves suddenly, one arm wrapping around her waist and pulling her back against him.

“Rey,” he murmurs into her hair and she shivers at the feel of his breath at the nape of her neck.

He pulls her just a little tighter against him and she can feel the hard planes of his body where she’s pressed into him. She shivers again. “Kylo…”

“Ben,” he whispers.

“What are we doing?” The words tumble out before she can take them back. There’s the bond, sure, something that tightens around them and keeps them tied to each other. But there’s more than that. He shifts behind her and she finds she wants to press back, closer to him, not pull away.

“I don’t know,” he finally says, and his lips graze her neck as he speaks. And then she feels his teeth scrape lightly against the sensitive skin at the base of her neck, his lips following. Soft, delicate. She almost thinks she’s imagining it, but then he presses his hand into her stomach and hers comes up to rest on it. He sighs at her touch. “I wish I did.”

She turns in his grasp then to look up at him. There are still shadows in his eyes, dark circles beneath them. He looks wan and haggard, worn out in ways that few could probably understand. It’s taking everything out of him, this fight.

One of his hands comes up to cup her face. One of hers comes up to his neck, fingers playing with the edges of his hair.

“We shouldn’t,” she murmurs.

“I know,” he whispers back, and then pulls her tight against him. She buries her face in his shoulder, wrapping her arms around him. It’s so much like what happened in the hangar. But here are there are no people to watch and so they cling to each other.

Snoke is coming for them.

She knows this.

And they have to be ready. If they’re not, it’s all over. For them, for Luke, for the whole Resistance.

They _have_ to defeat him.

There’s no choice.

Almost as one, they release each other and turn to the speeder. She has no idea where to go from here, but she’s fairly certain that wherever it’s going to lead, Kylo is going to be at her side.


	25. Chapter 25

They arrive back at base just as the sun slips below the horizon. The guards at the door give each other knowing looks and Rey finds herself blushing. She knows how it looks. And she really wishes that’s all it had been. Just an assignation between her and a lover, not torture, abuse, and the oily slick of Snoke inside their heads.

She almost invites him back to her room, needing to still feel that connection, to feel that he’s alive and well. But nervousness gets the better of her and after a quick hug, she retreats to her room and to the bed she had abandoned what now feels like a century ago.

She curls into an exhausted ball as soon as she’s in the room and sleeps the night through, no dreams, no nightmares. She’s thankful for that much at least. When she finally pulls herself back to a waking state, she can’t say she feels _refreshed_. There’s still so much on her mind and she can still feel Snoke out there, lying in wait for his next moment to get into their heads.

Shivering, she throws back the blankets and pulls herself out of bed. It’s the most comfortable thing she’s ever slept in. A large down comforter to wrap herself with, a mattress so soft she sinks into it. She’d fallen asleep in her clothes, still covered in the stink of space travel and the sweat of terror.

She hits the fresher now, lets it wash that all away. Like the bed, it’s perhaps the most luxurious thing she’s ever seen. She’s been told the supply of water on the planet is endless and she believes it. She’s seen the water that borders the city, marveled at just how abundant it is. She tilts her head back, letting the hot water of the fresher flow over and around her. She’s pretty sure she could spend the rest of her days standing beneath the stream and be happy with that.

But she has things to do, and reluctantly turns it off to go about her day.

She finds Finn and Rose in what she wants to call the mess hall, but has been told is the dining room. They’re fairly particular here on Chandrila. _We’re not a military institution here, dear._ Large tables laden with food take up the middle of the room, with smaller tables around it.

_Food_.

_Real food_.

“Oh Force,” she murmurs.

“It’s a lot,” Rose says, coming to stand next to her. Rey turns to look at the smaller woman and is relieved to see her smiling up at her. “Especially after rations and the kind of food we eat in space.”

“Have you been here before?”

Rose shakes her head. “I’ve not been too many places,” she admits. “Except ships. I’ve seen a lot of those, seen a lot of pipes and tubes.” She hits her chest, the look on her face one of pride.

“Me neither. Just…a lot of sand.”

“Jakku,” Rose says and there’s sympathy in her voice. “Do you ever want to go back?”

Rey isn’t sure how to answer that. _Does she?_ At one time she believed her parents would return, come find her, take her on the grand adventures that surely she was meant to be on. But now she’s _here_ and for some reason she thinks maybe this is the family she was looking for.

“No.” He voice is small. “No, I don’t think I do.” It’s a revelation and it leaves her gasping a little. She covers it up by filling her plate with food and moving to the table.

Finn gives her a look she can’t quite describe, but slides over a little to let her join them.

Rose comes to sit on his other side. “We…” she starts to say, and Finn shoots her a look. “We’re going to explore a little. The general suggested we all take a few days off to relax. After…you know…everything.”

Rey nods.

“You’re welcome to join us,” Finn says at last.

She almost says no. But Rose is nodding expectantly at her. And even though Finn still looks worried, still a bit hesitant, she thinks maybe this is the way to mend the rift that seems to have grown up a little between them since that fateful hug she’s shared with Kylo.

“I think I’d like that,” she says at last.

* * *

They head out shortly after breakfast, down the streets of the city. It’s small, she’s been told, but the place looks massive to her. Buildings taller than anything she could imagine, bigger even than the ships that had crashed on Jakku, She can’t help but crane her neck to keep looking up.

“You look like an ostrich,” Rose comments and Rey tries to keep her head down and her mouth closed after that. She’s not actually sure what an ostrich is, but she’s a bit too embarrassed to ask. She suspects it’s not a good thing, though Rose does speak the words with a bit of fondness behind them.

They’re almost out of the city when they’re forced to stop. In the middle of the road is a group of small furry animals, long-eared and curious. They amble across the street and no one stops them. The speeders come to a screeching halt and not one person shouts at the animals, raises a hand, or makes any noise to disturb them. Everyone just…watches.

“What are those?” she hears Rose whisper. Finn shakes his head.

A gentleman nearby steps closer. “Off-worlders?” At their nod, he continues. “They’re squalls.” As if that explains everything. “Harmless animals, really. Just let them go on their way and then continue on yours. It’s a daily occurrence around these parts.”

The group of squalls do in fact move off and with a nod, the gentleman steps off and continues his walk down the side of the street. Rey, Finn, and Rose follow a little more slowly.

“So adorable,” Rose finally manages to say and Rey smiles.

“They _are_ pretty cute,” Rey says, still watching as the creatures scamper off.  “You should have seen the Porgs of Ahch-To.”

Rose laughs. “Oh, I saw those. The _Falcon_ was completely infested with the things. I tried to help Chewbacca get them off the ship, but I’m pretty sure we brought more with us than we left behind on Crait.”

Rey can’t help but wonder how quickly Chandrila is going to be infected by the little creatures. It seems they multiply at extremely high rates.

It doesn’t take long before the three of them are out of the city, and starting their trek across the rolling hills. Finn steps as they crest the second hill. “Any idea which way to go?” he asks.

Rose steps up close to him and Rey can see the way she’s watching him, the bright look in her eyes. When she loops her arm through Finn’s and he doesn’t stop her, Rey starts to wonder if she really should be there with them. “No idea!” Rose says and both she and Finn laugh. It’s good to hear laughter, to feel a bit of the tension dissipating. It’s still there. Of course it is. She can’t forget all they’re going to need to do in the coming weeks, but for now, she feels her shoulders relax just a bit.

They walk for another twenty minutes, over another hill, before Rey stops them. She can see a small village somewhere off to their left, forest to their right. Rose and Finn have turned almost as one toward the wooded area. And while that sounds interesting as Rey _does_ love the greenery, there’s something that tells her she’s supposed to turn left, supposed to go to that small village.

_Search your feelings_ …

No.

It’s not Kylo Ren. She knows that much. She hasn’t seen him since they returned the night before. She doesn’t know if he’s still in bed, still recovering. She can feel him in the force, just barely, but he hasn’t communicated with her since then. It’s pretty clear, really, that he doesn’t _want_ her to find him at the moment.

She has no idea if he has found some way to cut himself off from her.

Or if the Force is just not connecting them.

Either way, she _knows_ he’s not the one out there in that little village. But something else is. Something else waits for her there.

She catches up to Finn and Rose a moment later, amused to notice they don’t even seem to _see_ her at first. “Wait,” she finally says, and they turn as one to face her.

Yes, there’s definitely _something_ there and it gives her a strange, warm feeling in the pit of her stomach to see her friends’ connection. It’s lighthearted, joyful, where the connection she has with Kylo Ren is fraught with tension and worry and the uncertainty of just what they are to each other.

“Is something wrong?” Rose reaches out a hand and touches Rey lightly on the arm.

“No. I just…you guys go on ahead.” She glances back at the village. “There’s somewhere else I need to be.”

Finn gives her an assessing look. “It’s not… _him_.”

Rey shakes her head. “No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Yes, I’m sure. It’s…I don’t know what it is. It’s something else. But I need to go.” She clasps Rose on one arm and Finn on the other. “And you two need to go enjoy yourself.” There’s an amusingly awkward smile on Rose’s face as she glances over at Finn. “I’ll be _fine_ ,” Rey says in answer to their unspoken questions. “Just go. I’ll see you back at home base.”

They watch her for a moment and then with a nod, Rose grabs Finn’s arm and they turn away from her.

She watches them walk off and smiles when she realizes Rose hasn’t let go of Finn’s arm. And then she turns her feet to the village, to whatever it is there that she’s meant to find.

* * *

The village is larger than it looks from a distance. It’s a little run down, a little sad in some ways. The people milling about halt in their paths and watch her, give her a wide berth as she walks down the street. She supposes she doesn’t _look_ like one of them, doesn’t carry herself like one of them. She’s been at war and her posture is ramrod straight., her eyes flitting back and forth, missing nothing. She’s wary, uneasy, waiting for _something_ in every dark alleyway, every alcove.

It’s the type of thing that tends to get one noticed in small towns.

She has no idea where she’s going exactly and yet the moment she lays eyes on the rundown pub, the recognition is instant. And she doesn’t know why, really. It’s a small pub just on the outskirts of the far end of the village. a ramshackle building that looks like it was cobbled together from random pieces of wood someone found. She feels an instant connection to the place and smiles as she pushes through the door into the dark interior.

She sees nothing at first, as she blinks and lets her eyes adjust. There are a few patrons off to one side, a well-worn bar in the middle. The fireplace beyond it dominates the space, but it’s not lit. It’s a warm enough day and she supposes at night it might add a bit to the atmosphere, even if they don’t need the heat. She can smell its effects though, the wood of Chandrila giving off a bit of a sweet, smoky smell that has no doubt wormed its way into the very building.

When she steps up to the bar, she can see no one at first, but there’s a clattering of glasses from down below and a muttered curse from a voice that seems familiar.

She goes on tiptoe and leans over the bar.

“Maz?”

The tiny woman looks up and squints at her. “Ah, there you are.” She reaches up and adjusts her goggles. “Took you long enough.”

“We just got here last night.”

“Hmph,” is all Maz says at first, dumping a few glasses on the bar and hopping up on one of the stools. “Here, help me with these.” Maz shoves the glasses into Rey’s hands, and she takes them. She doesn’t know what else to do.

“Maz,” she repeats as the woman leaps back off the stool and waves at Rey to follow her. She does so, because one does what Maz tells one to do. There’s no reason why. It’s just…she supposes it’s the way one does things when Maz is there.

Maz plucks the glasses two at a time out of Rey’s arms until she’s left holding nothing, wrapping her arms around her middle and watching as Maz shuffles around the bar, moving things and cleaning things up.

“ _Maz_ ,” she says at last and she stops to look up at her, blinking as if she’d forgotten she was there. “Why are you here?”

“Why are _you_?” Maz says with a rather indignant huff.

“I…I suppose because this is where they took us. We were fleeing…”

“The First Order,” Maz confirms, and her eyes quickly glance around the pub. “I had to go somewhere after they destroyed my castle.”

Rey winces. She remembers Takodana all too well, the scream of blasters, Kylo Ren’s lightsaber as he stalked her through the forest. It had been her presence, hers and Han’s and BB-8’s that led to the destruction of Maz’s home.

“Oh don’t you apologize,” Maz says, one finger pointing at her.

“I wasn’t…”

“Weren’t you?”

Rey’s not sure what to say to that and so just looks away.

“Well, never you mind that. It’s not the first place of mine that’s been destroyed.” Maz looks around her rather small, shabby new location. “It won’t be the last, either. You can count on _that_.”

Rey shivers at the thought. Could the First Order trace them to Chandrila? She fears they can, that all too soon they will track them to their current hiding place. And there’s still so few of them, certainly no match for the might of the First Order.

“Stop thinking like that,” comes Maz’s voice and Rey blinks as the tiny woman comes back into focus. She’s walking away and Rey follows, coming to join her at one of the well-worn tables. Maz has to hike herself up into the chair, pulling her tiny body up and coming to sit on her knees. Rey doesn’t know if that’s comfortable or just an adaptation she’s managed in order to compensate for her small stature.

But it doesn’t matter.

Maz is staring at her, reaching up to adjust her goggles as she squints at Rey, studying her like she’s some sort of bug on a microscope. She’s silent though and Rey finds herself squirming a little in her chair.

She feels strangely stripped naked under the tiny woman’s gaze.

“My dear child,” Maz says at last. “You have not embraced your destiny.”

“I left Jakku,” Rey interrupts with. “I left. I’m here.”

“So you are. But you know that’s not what I mean.”

“I…”

“You carry it with you.” Maz gestures toward her and Rey finds herself reaching down, touching the lightsaber she has hanging off her belt.

She does. She has been carrying it, using it. She still doesn’t understand the ways of the Force, not really. It connects her to Kylo. It connected her to Luke in some way. But she doesn’t _get_ it.

“I do. I’ve been training some.” She offers the last with a bit of a shrug.

Maz watches her for a moment. “And you still have not embraced who you are.” She reaches out then, puts her small hand over Rey’s. “Why is that?”

Rey shivers. “That’s…I mean…”

Maz pushes forward suddenly, crawling across the table. She’d seen her do it once before, but somehow it’s all the more frightening to have her do it to her. One of her hands comes up and touches Rey at the temple. “There’s someone else.” The surprise in her voice is evident. “Up here.” Maz closes her eyes, strokes a finger across Rey’s forehead.

“Kylo Ren,” she whispers.

“You have forged a bond.”

“Of sorts.”

“He is here. With you?”

Rey is surprised at how relaxed Maz sounds about the whole thing, as if it’s every day someone brings home one of the leaders of the First Order, like he’s some sort of stray dog that she’s dragged home with her and begged her family to be able to keep. “He came home with his father.”

“Hmph,” Maz offers up and returns to her seat.

“What does that mean?”

“There is more there than you think.”

Rey doesn’t doubt _that_ for a moment. There is. There has been, ever since his mind first met hers and they forged whatever this _thing_ is that’s between them. She still doesn’t know exactly what a Force bond entails, though she’s starting to get at least somewhat of a picture of it.

“There…may be,” she admits.

Maz reaches up to adjust her goggles. “You care for him.” It’s a matter-of-fact statement and Rey finds herself shivering a little at the thought. Does she? _Of course you do_. She worries about him; she looks for him. _You kissed him_. _There’s no denying that_.

“I…”

“Yes, you do.” Maz levels her gaze on her. “Use that, my child. Caring for someone is never a bad thing.”

Rey pauses before she gets the next words out. And even then, the words are small, barely above a whisper. “Not even when it’s Kylo Ren?” It’s what has haunted her mind ever since the kiss, ever since she realized there was a bond there, an attraction. He’s _Kylo Ren_. As part of the First Order, he has killed countless people. She has no idea how involved in Starkiller he was, how involved in the destruction of the Hosnian System, but still, he was a _part_ of that.

Should she care for him?

Should she _allow_ herself to care for him, to let him in, to explore the bond they’ve developed?

After a moment, Maz finally answers. “Even him, child. Even him.”

* * *

Rey leaves Maz’s new place with her heart just a tiny bit lighter and with the promise to return, to maybe bring Kylo with her. _I always liked that boy, even with all he’s done_. She wonders what he’d think of Maz. The pirate woman is formidable, despite her small stature. But Kylo doesn’t seem to be one who’s easily cowed by others. Still, she’d watched his father dance around the tiny creature like she might murder him if the wrong word were spoken. And she’d watched the others bow down with respect to Maz. Smugglers, pirates, the lowest of the low, Han had called them all, as if he weren’t one of them too. They’d all treated Maz with the respect due a queen. Rey had kept her mouth closed and her head down until she’d stolen her breath away with insights into her life that she couldn’t _possibly_ have.

_The Force._

The voice in her head isn’t her own and she sighs. _Kylo_.

_Maz has the Force. Surely you know that_.

She wants to shove him out, but there’s a strange warmth that spreads through her at the connection. It seems to come easier with time. She doesn’t even know how long he’s been there, watching, listening.

_Not long_.

She mutters his name out loud and is thankful that there’s no one around to hear her talking to herself.

_You need to be more aware, Rey_. Those words are serious, even inside her head. _You need to guard your thoughts and emotions_.

“From you?” she asks aloud.

_Especially from me_.

And then he’s gone. She can feel the warmth recede as the words fade away into nothing more than echoes. She shivers, wrapping her arms around herself despite the warmth of the Chandrillan sun.

He’s right.

She knows it.

She needs to be able guard herself a little more. She’s used to guarding herself physically, staff always at the ready throughout her young life. Now the lightsaber, his grandfather’s, hangs at her side. It becomes more and more a part of her every day. She’s a fighter and physical defense comes easily to her. But her mind? She’s never been around Force users, never known that someone could tear into her mind, that such a thing could even _exist_.

_Luke_ , she thinks. He taught Kylo once, long ago. He can teach her too. And maybe she can finally have her mind be her own, keep him out as he says she should.

The only problem with that? She’s not quite sure she _wants_ to keep him out of her mind. She knows the thought should terrify her.

But for some reason she can’t quite explain, it doesn’t.


	26. Chapter 26

When she enters Luke’s chambers, she gets the sense that he’s been waiting for her to come to him. He doesn’t seem surprised at all when she asks him to teach her about the Force.

“It’s…” She doesn’t know how to tell him about Kylo, about the interrogation, about the _bond_. She certainly can’t tell him where it all led them on that ship, when they were alone and their hormones apparently got the better of them.

“Kylo,” he surmises.

“Yes. It always comes back to him, doesn’t it?”

Luke shrugs in response but there’s something there, something that crosses his face. She waits for him to speak, to say _something_ , but his eyes slide away from hers and she’s left wondering just when he’s going to admit to anyone exactly what had happened between him and his nephew.

“Kylo…” She clears her throat. She’s not told anyone this. She swore she wouldn’t. But Luke…he would understand. He would know what to _do_ , wouldn’t he?  “Kylo tells me we have a Force bond.”

“A Force bond?” He seems to muse over it for a moment before nodding. “I had feared as much.”

“Your books?”

“Somewhat. They pointed me in the right direction. But the signs were all there. My sister and I have one,” he says by way of explanation, and then levels his gaze at her. “You two aren’t related, are you?”

She can feel herself flush and knows her cheeks must be bright red.

_Pressed against the floor after their sparring session, his hard length digging into her._

_The kiss against the bulkhead of the Falcon._

_Wanting more, imagining them entwined in bed_.

“No,” she says and hates the way her voice is a little breathless. “Definitely not.”

When Luke doesn’t respond, she looks back to him and watches as his eyebrows rise. “So it’s like that, is it?”

“I…”

He holds up a hand. “What you and my nephew do on your own time is of no concern to me.”

_Is this what it’s like,_ she wonders, _having a parent who can embarrass you over such things?_ She’s a grown woman. Of course what she and Kylo do is not his concern. But still, the thought of his uncle knowing what they are to each other ( _what_ are _you to each other, Rey?_ ) is more than a little unsettling.

“Why did you try to kill him?” she blurts out. She doesn’t even mean to, but she needs to stop this weird little line of questioning, stop thinking about the hard planes of Kylo’s body pressed against hers, needs to stop thinking about what _else_ they might be able to do besides kissing. Experience she does not have, but it seems that she has imagination in spades.

“So he told you then.” Luke’s voice is flat.

“He did,” she confirms. “Why?”

Luke won’t meet her eyes. His stay downcast and she’s not sure if he’s embarrassed or angry over her questions. And she finds it doesn’t even matter. She doesn’t care. She wants to press for the answer, this overwhelming _need_ to know what happened taking root inside her. Really, she’s not even sure Kylo knows. He woke up to Luke standing above him and that was it. He didn’t lay eyes on his uncle again until they found him on Ahch-To.

“Kylo doesn’t know why, does he?” she asks. Still Luke says nothing and she’s not sure what to do. His absolute refusal to speak, mouth clamped shut as his eyes settle on everything but _her_. And she’s not sure if he still thinks that ending his nephew’s life was the right thing or not.

“I wouldn’t have done it,” he says at last.

“No?”

“No.” The word is resolute at least. She believes that _he_ believes it.

“But it doesn’t matter, does it? The wound is already there.”

He says nothing for a moment, and then – “You didn’t come here for this.”

“No,” she admits. No, she didn’t. But _kriff_ , it’s been on her mind ever since Kylo showed her what happened. She can’t stop thinking about it, her mind going back and forth between that and _that kiss._ The latter she tries hard to ignore but sometimes, in the dark of night, she replays it and wonders what would have happened if they’d taken it just a little further, explored just a little bit more.

She can feel herself redden a little and so pushes it violently from her mind. Save those thoughts for her own quarters, when she’s alone and she can think on them without worrying about _Luke_ getting in and seeing them.

Kylo, of course, is a different story. But he’s managed to stay out of her mind recently. Even her nightmares are her own, dreams of abandonment and the parents she’s never known. But she knows Kylo is out there, waiting and watching and hoping for _something_. And worse, she knows that _he_ is out there. _Snoke_. Sometimes she still feels him breathing down on her, on Kylo, on whoever she was in those nightmares, and it makes her shiver with the horror of it all.

“It’s this bond,” she admits.

“And?”

“And…” She takes a deep breath. “The Force in general.”

“No,” Luke just says and turns from her.

“No?” She takes a step toward him. “No you won’t teach me?”

He looks back at her and there’s a weariness in his eyes. He looks _tired_ , as if sleep doesn’t come easily to him anymore. And she wonders what ever happened to the idealistic young man she’d seen on the holos. He’s been so fresh-faced, even in the celebrations after Vader was gone, after the Emperor was defeated.

She wouldn’t have recognized him, except for the piercing blue eyes and the metal hand. He’s world-weary, as if he’s seen _everything_ and found it lacking somehow. Certainly that seems to have been the case with his nephew, who he found lacking enough to attempt to kill in his sleep.

“No, that’s not what you’re really here for.”

“I…” she starts to say. _I need to know my place in all of this_. But maybe this _is_ her place. “Snoke,” she finally whispers. She hates even saying that name aloud. It sends a shiver down her spine that the warm air of Chandrila doesn’t cut through. “I can...” She pauses, closing her eyes as she tries to find the words. She’s not sure she can even define it, really. “There are times that I can…I don’t know…feel him? Sense him? There’s this coldness, freezing. I feel something…” She reaches up and puts her hand just below her heart. “Here. This feeling of cold dread.” She opens her eyes and levels them on Luke. “He’s not going to give up so easily, is he?”

Luke nods. “I’ve wondered why he’s been silent these last weeks. With the loss of his apprentice, I expected more out of him.”

“You can sense him?”

“At times,” Luke admits.

“What _is_ he?”

“Very powerful,” is all Luke says. She can still see the cracked skull, the beady eyes, the way his slender form bent over her…over Kylo. And she knows that much is correct.

“We need to fight him,” she surmises.

“If we have any hope, we have to defeat him,” Luke acknowledges. “He may be the key to it all.”

“Which means Kylo is the key to it all.”

Luke cocks his head slightly to the side. “With how close you are, you still call him Kylo?”

“That’s his name.” She can feel the embarrassment creep up her cheeks.

“Is it?”

_I want to hear my real name on your lips when I make you mine…I liked Ben better_. “I…I don’t know anymore.”

“Perhaps you should ask him sometime.”

“Can we not talk about him?” She cringes at the sullen note to her voice.

Luke smiles. “He’s as much a part of this bond you have as you are. You can’t escape that. You want training?”

“Yes.”

“Then you need _him_ here too.” She sighs and starts to respond, but Luke just holds up one hand. “Call him here,” he says.

“I don’t know where he is.”

Luke shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter where he is at the moment.” He reaches out to grip her upper arm and pull her along with him toward one of the couches in his quarters. He points at it. “Sit.”

She does as he commands. Luke Skywalker is not someone you ignore when he tells you to do something.

“Good. Now close your eyes.” She knows this, this meditation thing. Kylo, Ben, whatever his name is, tried to teach it to her too. She _hates_ it. She prefers action, rushing in with staff or lightsaber, tackle the problem _first_ , then worry about the whys of it later. She’s surprised to hear Luke chuckle and dares crack open one eye to watch him. “Perhaps you’re more like my nephew than I thought. He doesn’t like meditation either. I promise you that this is done with a _reason_. Now shut your eyes.” There’s a gentle amusement behind the firm words.

She does as he asks.

“Good,” he says again. “Now, I want you to reach out.” And she remembers reaching her hand out and Kylo smacking it, and tries to fight back a smile at the memory. She won’t make the same mistake this time.

“What am I looking for?” she asks instead.

“Ben.” She’s about to ask for more when he goes on. “You know what his presence in the Force feels like? You must by now.”

She does. Of course he’s right about it. How could she _not_ know what he feels like? The Force is something calm, an ocean that buffets her, rocks her with it, carries her along sometimes. But Kylo is the turbulent wave, sometimes crashing right over her, nearly drowning her with sensation, sometimes dissipating into nothing, _always_ shot through with a vein of darkness.

But that is changing.

Little by little that wave is getting brighter and the darkness in its core not quite disappearing, but becoming less prominent.

She trusts him, she realizes. Trusts him with her life, with her soul, with _her_. She lets out a small gasp.

“What?” Luke says quickly. “Is everything ok?”

“It’s fine,” she answers quickly. “I can sense him.” He’s not far, she realizes. Somewhere inside the same building, maybe in his quarters. His mind is in a turmoil, but she’s used to that.

_Kylo?_ she ventures out with her mind, trying to latch on, to connect.

_Kriff_ , comes his voice through the bond. _Rey._ Then – _Kriff_. Embarrassment and a desperate need to hide something from her. She tries to dig deeper, her mind following his thoughts, threading through them to try to get to the end. _Rey, no, stop_. A string of stronger curse words hits her ears and she can feel him trying to push her out.

_Kylo?_ He pushes harder at his mind. _Ben?_

That causes him to lose his concentration for a moment and she glimpses things she isn’t meant to see. Ben on his bed, naked, hand gripping himself and _Oh, kriff_.

_Rey_ , she hears him snarl.

And then the connection is severed, and she opens her eyes wide.

“Is he coming?” Luke asks and Rey almost chokes on her own tongue.

“I…” Her cheeks must be flame red. “I don’t think that worked.”

_Oh, kriff, he’s going to kill her_. This Force bond. _Oh kriff._ There are things she is really not meant to see, and _that_ is certainly one of them.

“No? Were you able to find him on the current of the Force?”

“Oh I found him alright,” she mutters.

“And then?”

“Nothing.”

“Try again,” Luke says.

“I’m not sure…” she starts to say.

And then _he_ is there, pushing through the doorway. His face is red, the tips of his ears are red. There’s even red across the bridge of his nose. But his eyes are wide and his hair is a mess and he looks a complete wreck. “Rey.” His voice somehow manages to be both panicked and irritated at the same time.

“It seems it _did_ work,” Luke muses.

Kylo turns toward him and she’s not sure how it’s possible, but his face turns even _more_ red. “Did he see?” he says as he turns back to Rey.

She feels the heat creep up her own face. “No,” she finally says. “Only me.”

“That’s not much better.”

“ _What_ is going on?” Luke asks.

“Can I talk to you?” Kylo says. He’s focused completely on Rey, though his eyes flit over to his uncle briefly. “Alone?”

“I…um…” Rey can’t quite get the words out. _No…yes…_ she has no idea _what_ she wants.

“I’ll just leave for a moment?” Luke offers up.

“Yes,” both she and Kylo say at the same time.

Luke gives them a look and she can almost hear his voice in her head again. _So it’s like that, is it_.

Is it?

“Kylo,” she starts to say.

“You called me Ben,” he interrupts with.

“I did.”

“Do you…” he starts, runs one of his hands through his hair. “I meant it when I said I liked it,” he admits.

She doesn’t know why that shocks her so much, hearing him reiterate that. He’s been Kylo to her all along, as if that somehow separates him from the man on the other side of the Force bond, as if it somehow _others_ him, distances them from each other. When really, she wants to draw them closer.

“Ben,” she says again, testing the word out, and feels her stomach flip over a little bit at the crooked grin on his face that his name, his _real_ name evokes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

“You can’t have known.”

She takes a deep breath. “No. But still, I invaded your privacy.”

“There’s not much with a Force bond,” he admits quietly.

“But there should be. You have every right to your own thoughts and emotions. And…” She waves a hand. “You know, _that_.”

He lets out a small huff of laughter. “Yeah.”

“Were you…” _Rey, what are you doing?_ “Were you thinking of me?” She has no idea why she even asks. She has no idea why it even matters. _Don’t you? Don’t you know?_ She tries to quash that inner voice, push it away. But she knows. She _does_ know. And she won’t be able to go on denying it for too much longer.

“I’ve never thought of anyone else.” There’s an intensity to the words that takes her slightly aback. And she must have let out _some_ noise because he looks a little distraught. “Kriff. Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No,” she says quickly. “No, it’s ok. It’s just…a lot.”

“I’m a lot,” he says in answer and she’s surprised not only by the sadness to the words, but the sureness behind them. As if he’s heard them all the time and taken them to heart. As if he truly believes they’re true.

“You’re…”

“Not? Is that what you’re going to say? I know I am. There’s no need to lie to me. Or yourself.” He reaches out then and his hand hovers over hers. And she’s not sure if she wants him to take it or not.

He doesn’t though. His hand clenches into a fist and then withdraws. The silence stretches on. She has no idea what to say to him. Not about this. Not about what she’d seen. Not about _never anyone else_ , which fills her both with fear _and_ elation.

“Why were you looking for me?” His voice drops heavily into the silence.

“Luke,” she starts to say and watches as he tenses up. She reaches out and touches his hand lightly. “I know.”

He doesn’t say anything for a moment, just watches her. “I know you do,” he says at last.

“But…he wanted to explore the bond.”

“You told him about it?” He sounds sullen and annoyed at the thought.

“I didn’t have to. He knew.”

His eyebrows rise at that. “Unc… _Luke_ always was pretty perceptive,” he admits. It’s the first compliment she’s actually heard him say about his famous uncle. And it’s the first time she’s _almost_ heard him acknowledge his relationship to the man. Their relationship is understandably strained, and she wonders if it can ever be healed.

_We’re the last three Force users,_ she realizes. _The last Jedi_ , though she’s not sure she can really call herself, nor Ben, _Jedi_. Luke certainly is. The last of his kind, painstakingly holding onto the old teachings.

She knows little about them. Meditation, calm, celibacy, like ancient monks. She knows she _can’t_ be one of them, not with her reactions to Kylo, not with the way the rage takes her over sometimes. She has the Force and both Kylo and Luke recognize that it flows fiercely through her. But she can’t _be_ Luke.

And she wonders, watching Luke as he talks to her, as he talks to Kylo, to _Ben_ , if he looks on her much the same way he looks on his nephew. Sheep gone from the fold. Or maybe feral sheep, in her case, the one who was never _part_ of the fold, the one that will never fit in. No matter how hard she tries.

She’s not one of them.

She knows this.

They both fall quiet. And Rey cannot stop thinking about _that_. About what she’d seen, about what he’d been doing. About _I’ve never thought of anyone else_ and what all that means. There’s been that look in his eyes, intense but also just a little soft around the edges. He’d meant what he said.

“Kriff,” she hears him mutter. Soft. She’s not even sure she’d hear it if she weren’t so attuned to his every move.

Her eyes shoot to his, but his quickly slide away. “Kylo?” It’s almost reflex at this point, calling him by the name he chose for himself. _But did he? Or did Snoke?_

He turns to her then, though his eyes still won’t quite meet hers. “Ben.”  The confusion must show on her face, because one side of his lips quirk up. It’s a surprising look on his often too-serious face, turning the dour look into one of almost boyish charm. He resembles his father in that moment, though there’s maybe a bit more self-deprecation to the look than the smuggler usually has. “Ben,” he repeats. “You keep slipping and calling me _Ben_.”

“I do. I…I don’t know why…”

“No?” He’s still smiling, just slightly.

“You’re changing,” she finally whispers.

“Not as much as you’d like,” he admits.

“Maybe…”

He reaches out one hand and touches her face lightly, and her eyes are drawn to his.

She thinks about reaching up to put her hand over his. It’s so warm on her face and her skin tingles where his large hand touches her. Instead, she feels frozen to the spot, paralyzed, but her eyes meet his and the warmth spreads through her core.

She can feel his hand trembling.

“M…” His eyes flit down and she feel them settle on her mouth for a moment before returning to her eyes. “May I?”

Her eyes widen. But there’s only one answer to give. She knows this. And so she inclines her head, just slightly.

He moves forward and brushes his lips over hers. It’s a tentative kiss, soft, chaste. Nothing like the last explosion of lips and tongue and hands wrapping bodies tightly to each other. No, this is soft explorations as he tilts his head just slightly and his lips part over hers. She follows suit, letting his tongue in to touch hers, letting him explore her mouth at leisure. It’s still a strange thing, the way his mouth seems to fit perfectly to hers, the softness of his hair as her hands come up to tangle in the dark strands, the small noise he makes in the back of his throat as she touches her tongue to his and the kiss deepens.

When they finally break apart, she opens her eyes to find that he’s smiling at her.

Smiling.

He doesn’t smile very much, and so every one seems strangely precious. Especially this one, with his eyes glowing, and his lips a little red and kiss-swollen.

She smiles back.

“Ben,” she whispers, and it takes her a moment to realize _why_ his smile widens a bit.

“I really do like when you call me that,” he whispers and then leans down to capture her lips again. Just a soft kiss.

“I like calling you that,” she admits as he pulls back away from her.

“So it _is_ like that.” Luke’s voice, coming from the doorway, is half amused and a little sardonic.

She jumps back from Ben, scrambling to move just a couple feet away. He’s left standing with his hand still in the air, cupping the cheek that was so quickly removed from his grasp.

That hand turns into a fist.

And she wants to go to him, to wrap her arms around him, and tell him that it’s no matter. But it _is_ and the fierce look in his eyes as he turns away from her, turns to where his uncle stands in the doorway, tells her it very much _does_ matter to him.

“Uncle.” The word is dripping with annoyance. “You do always seem to pop up at the worst moments.” Luke starts to say something but Ben stalks over to him, leaning in close. “We don’t need you, old man.” He snarls the last at him.

Luke doesn’t move.

He just stays in the doorway with that same look of amusement on his face. As if his nephew’s anger, the anger Rey can feel coming off him in _waves_ simply doesn’t matter.

“We’re fine on our own.”

Luke shrugs.

Ben slams one hand on the wall, the sound overly loud in the quiet of the room. It echoes for a moment and then with one more incoherent snarl, he’s stalks out of the room.

“Ben!” she shouts after him, but he doesn’t return, doesn’t so much as turn around. His long strides take him around the corner before she can even contemplate going after him.

Rey is left staring at Luke.

He’s watching her. There’s concern in his eyes, she realizes. Concern and something else. She’s not sure what exactly. Worry, maybe. _Fear_. Then after a moment, he shrugs his shoulders and moves away from the door. “Do you want to continue training?”

As if everything didn’t just blow up around them.

As if Ben didn’t just ask to kiss her and she said _yes_.

“I…” she starts to say. Her eyes move back to the door and she hears Luke sigh.

“Do you want to be a Jedi or not?” The words aren’t unkind, but there’s an edge to them. When she turns back to him, she’s surprised to see a bit of softness to his eyes. There’s a moment, almost, where she can see a bit of his nephew in him. Maybe it’s in the half-smile on his face, maybe it’s the energy she can feel coming from him.

And she realizes she has no real answer for him. Or rather, maybe she does. But it’s one she’s sure he doesn’t want to hear. “No,” she finally says. “I don’t think that’s my path.”

A look of disappointment crosses his face and his arms cross over his chest again. He looks every bit the fearsome Jedi warrior she’d heard about all her life. The legend, the myth. She _almost_ takes it back, except that the words felt so _right_. “You’ll need to decide what your path _is_ then.”

She nods, but before she can say anything else, he gives her a dismissive wave. “Go. Find Ben.”

She can feel the blush creep up her cheeks at the mention of his nephew. “How…”

“…did I know?” he finishes for her. “You young kids.” He shakes his head. “Just don’t give up your dreams for a pair of pretty eyes.”

She almost chokes at that, but then realizes there was humor behind the words. “I’m not. I promise.” With one final, long look, she leaves Luke alone in the room. And she’s not sure if she feels disappointment from him. Or relief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I know...chapter count keeps going up. OOOOPS.
> 
> Currently writing chapter 42. And this really is the end. It's looking like there is one or two more chapters and then maybe an Epilogue. But that's it! It's almost done!


	27. Chapter 27

_She kissed me_.

_No…I asked…and she let me kiss her._

A strange feeling floats up inside him. Effervescent light that he can feel moving through his pores, like a fire made of pure light and…happiness.

Is his happiness he feels?

He almost laughs at that.

Kylo Ren. Happy.

_Ben Solo_. Happy? He’s never been. Not before. Not after. Certainly not while enduring Snoke’s anger, Snoke’s torture. 

It’s the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard and yet his mouth _almost_ forms into a smile.

_I asked and she let me_.

He’s nearly 30. This really should not leave him feeling this way, but if he’s going to be honest, his experience with the opposite sex is next to nothing. The closest he’s gotten to a woman are training exercises ( _with Rey,_ his mind not so helpfully supplies).

He finds himself in one of the conference rooms at the top of the building. From high up, he can see the rolling hills that surround the capital city of Naboo, can imagine racing across the grass, getting _away_ from it all.

From Luke.

And there’s the one sour thing in it all. Luke Skywalker witnessing it. He knows what his uncle will want from Rey. Another person to train in the old ways of the Jedi. He won’t want to just train her in the ways of the Force, teach her to harness her power, to use it for both good and as a tool of this vicious war they’ve found themselves on the same side of.

No, he’ll want her to _be_ one of them.

_There is no emotion, there is peace._

He failed there, failed miserably. He still remembers watching the other padawans, feeling the quiet of their minds and the roiling of his own emotions. So out of place. He’d never been able to fight back those emotions, never been able to lock them tightly in a box. _Peace_ was not a word Ben Solo understood. He had been born into a time of war, to parents who were Rebel fighters. And his mind had never been able to settle, his body never able to relax. There had always been _something_ there, just beyond the understanding of such a young boy, and certainly beyond the understanding of his parents.

“Son.”

Ben whips around at the sound of his father’s voice, as if his very thoughts had summoned the man. “Father.”

Han steps into the room and one corner of his mouth twitches up. “Luke said I might find you here.”

“Did he.” The words are flat, a little sardonic.

Han just shrugs. “He said you had a little spat.”

Ben lets out a short bark of laughter. “That’s not quite how it went.”

“Ben…”

“No.” He takes a step toward his father. Then another, coming to stop close by, one hand resting on his lightsaber as he stares him down. His father seems so small, standing in front of him, and it leaves him feeling a little disconcerted. He remembers his father being larger than life, this tall giant of a man who he had always looked up to as a child. He’d wanted to _be_ him. A pilot, like his father. A smuggler, like his father. But he’d been born with this _thing_ instead. “I could have killed you, you know.” The words are tight, and he won’t meet his father’s eyes. “That night, on the base. I could have.”

“I know,” Han says, then shrugs. “I thought you were going to.”

“You…”

“I expected to die that day.”

Ben’s eyebrows lower. There’s a strange buzzing in his ears. “You came after me, expecting to die?”

“Funny thing, that.”

“Why?”

“Why did I come after you?”

Ben can’t get the word out and so only nods. His father reaches up a hand and clasps him on the shoulder, and now he _does_ meet his eyes. There are tears there, just at the corner, and Ben swallows hard.

“You’re my _son_.”

Such simple words and it almost _breaks_ him. He has to step back, turn away, before he’s completely overwhelmed. And he wants to scream at him, wants to rail at the fates that brought him to such a moment. _Why didn’t you love me enough when I was young? Why weren’t you there for me?_ Han was always leaving. Leaving his mother, leaving _him_ , running away from the reality that his son was more Vader’s grandson than his son. How do you save your own progeny from their dark fate when you’re just a two-bit smuggler?

You can’t.

And so you run.

“You were…” He takes a deep breath, runs his hand over his eyes.

“ _Ben_. Look at me.”

He does. He can’t stop himself from turning back and facing his father. His hand is no longer over his lightsaber hilt. He doesn’t want to relive that fateful day, the one that brought him _here_. It was easier being Kylo Ren, he realizes. Snoke had almost burned all emotions out of him except anger, hate, vengeance. There had been no sorrow, no happiness, no _love_.

“What happened to you?” Han’s voice is quiet, a little sad.

Ben chokes back the sob that threatens to escape and shakes his head.

“Son…”

“You wouldn’t believe me.”

“Try me?”

Ben closes his eyes for a moment before turning away. He barely can get the words out, choked with hatred and confusion and every emotion he’s held inside regarding his uncle for _years_. “He tried to kill me.”

“Snoke…”

“Not Snoke. Well,” he concedes. “Snoke did, many times.” He remembers being tossed off a cliff, remembers the Force lightning. “Luke. Luke tried to kill me.”

There’s no reaction from his father.

He hears him shift in place, and whips around to face him. “Did you hear me?”

“I did.”

Ben stares at him, his eyes boring into his, the question written into the lines of his face.

“There must be more to the story than that…”

“I wouldn’t know.” The bitterness escapes with those words. “I was asleep. I heard…I don’t know… _something_. Maybe just the sound of the door opening or a paper rustling when the wind rushed in. _Something_ that was out of ordinary. I was never a good sleeper. You know that.”

“Nightmares,” Han confirms. Ben is sure his father remembers his screams in the dead of night. In all honesty when he had awakened, half asleep and confused, he had thought his uncle had come to check on him, that he’d had another nightmare. It wasn’t that unusual and at that time, it had all been getting worse. Nightmares that crawled through his brain, picking apart his memories and thoughts and feelings and putting them back in a way that didn’t quite fit together.

He nods. “But that wasn’t it. I turned over to find him standing over me, staring at me, and his lightsaber was raised.” He’ll never forget that moment. The look of anger and terror on his uncle’s face, the sickly green light that was reflected in his eyes. For a moment, he’d been struck dumb, frozen in place, disbelief warring with terror warring with the hate that he could feel building deep inside himself.

And then he’d done it.

Grabbed his own lightsaber, blue at the time, and met his Uncle’s. He had pulled the entirety of the hut down on top of them both. A sick, sad end to the galaxy’s only hope. And to him. He had thought he had brought about his own end as well.

But it hadn’t.

_Get out, the voice tells him. Use your powers, claw your way out._

_And he did, throwing rocks and the debris of his former life away from him without much thought. He’d left his uncle there, buried beneath the rubble. He could still feel him breathing, still feel his Force signature._

_The creature inside his mind surely must know this._

_But Ben leaves him there anyway._

_Let him rot._

_Rise, Kylo Ren, the voice says as he stumbles out of the ruins of his hut. Rise and end this. End them all._

“Did you kill them all?” his father asks. There’s quiet resignation to his voice. Ben is sure he’s heard this story any number of times from Luke. The night the temple was destroyed, left in flames, the night his students were murdered, his nephew gone to the dark side. The night Luke disappeared in shame, left them all to hide out on a planet in the middle of nowhere. Left them with nothing more than a map with missing parts.

_He stumbles through the rubble. The temple is already burning and he’s not even sure how. Did he do that? He barely remembers anything past pulling the hut down on Luke._

_But fire reaches up into the night sky. And it had to have happened somehow._

_He glances down at his hands, at the lightsaber that he is still clutching._

_“You won’t need that.” And then_ he _is there. The creature he’s seen in his nightmares, the hissing voice he’s been hearing all his life. “Come with me.” It’s almost crooning. Soft, a withered hand held out to him._

_And Ben looks back, trips. Atunnuma, the Twi’lek girl he’d actually found to be a decent companion, neck at an odd angle, one of her lekku shorn off, eyes staring straight ahead. His stomach turns at the sight. Did I…_

_“Of course you didn’t, my dear boy.” He raises his hand up and her body rises, twirls around Ben and is tossed. “You didn’t have it in you.” There’s disappointment behind the words. “But you will.”_

_One bony finger is pointed at him._

_It’s the last thing he remembers of that night, waking later stripped of all trappings of his Jedi heritage, padawan braid cut off and robes replaced with the black ones he would come to favor as Snoke’s apprentice._

“I don’t know,” he finally says. Snoke said he couldn’t kill the Twi’lek, but she’d been his friend. What about the others? A few had followed him to Snoke’s ship, soon to disappear. But the others? Dead. All of them dead. And he’s still not sure whose hands they died at.

Han stays silent and Ben can’t bear to look at him, can’t bear to see the horror on his face, the disappointment that his son could be so weak, so _foolish_ as to fall prey to Snoke’s machinations. But when he does finally spare his father a glance, he sees…compassion.

“Why did Luke try to kill you?” His voice is quiet.

“I don’t know that either.”

_Because you were worthless._

_Because you were a sniveling little brat that he’d had enough of._

_Because they never loved you, never cared, because you were in the way._

Only Snoke cared. That’s what he’d told him, time and time again. His mother was too busy being a politician, trying to bring peace to the galaxy. His father was too busy running from his problems, running from _Ben_. Snoke had always been there, would never leave him.

_I will never leave you_.

And he can still feel him crawling inside his mind. His hands fly out, as if somehow that gesture can ward him off.

“Ben?”

“You never loved me,” he snarls at his father.

“Son.”

“No! Don’t lie.” He steps away from him and reaches up, hands clawing at his head, pulling at his hair. “You never did.”

_That’s right._

_Come back to me._

He lets out a yell, incoherent, half sob.

“Son!”

“No!” he shouts again, arms flailing. He catches his father on the side of the face and Han goes down. Ben watches.

_Kylo Ren…_

“No,” he says on a whimper, kneeling at his father’s side. He doesn’t move and Ben reaches out a hand, touches him on the shoulder.

“That’s gonna smart,” Han says, rolling back over and sitting up.

Ben pulls back from him, puts his hands on his knees, takes some deep breaths. He has to stop himself from vomiting right there on the spot. His father’s hand comes to rest next to his on his knee.

“Son, what was that?” And there’s concern in his voice. _Real_ concern.

He takes another deep breath, finally looks up and meets his eyes again. “Snoke.”

The word falls heavily into the silence of the room. It’s just one word, one tiny syllable, and Ben can feel his skin crawl, can feel the daggers inside his mind that he knows are his trying to get in. He’s still there.

_I’ll always be there…_

He grimaces and wrestles the door between his mind and Snoke’s shut. It slams deep inside his mind, echoing within the Force

“He’s still there?”

“He’s always been there. I…I don’t know if I can ever get him out,” he admits.

“Luke,” Han starts to say, but then blinks once, twice. “No, I suppose that’s not going to help, is it?”

Ben makes a soft snorting noise. “No.”

“Rey?”

Ben can feel his face turn red.

“Ah,” his father says. “I thought there might be, you know, _something_ there.” Ben must have had a look of surprise on his face because his father offers up a soft laugh. “Come on, son, stand back up.” He stands and offers Ben a hand. With a sigh, Ben accepts it, and the two return to watching out the window together. The sun is setting, the sky turning pink on the edges. He’s forgotten how beautiful Chandrila can be. Just one more thing he’d blocked out since becoming Snoke’s apprentice.

“You’re not really all that good at hiding your feelings,” Han says. “She’s the reason you came with me, isn’t she?”

Ben rears back at that.

He hasn’t thought of that, hasn’t really considered _why_ he went with his father. Not since those first moments on the Falcon as they fled the First Order. He was there. That was enough. But there had been _something_ pricking at the back of his mind almost as soon as he’d set foot on Takodana, certainly as soon as he’d cradled Rey in his arms and carried her back to his ship.

_Had_ it been her? This connection, this bond? He knows he feels better when he’s with her, knows that she seems to ease the anxious part of his mind, tends to chase Snoke out easier than he can on his own.

But was it her?

Could it have been her all along?

_Yes_ , his heart says. That stupid, overly sentimental part of him that even Snoke could never obliterate completely. That ridiculous thing that Luke always said would be his downfall.

_What is so wrong with having a heart?_ He can almost hear _her_ voice in his head and he’s not sure if he’s supplying it or if she’s really there. Either way, he pushes it away. He doesn’t want to examine that, doesn’t want to really think about what that all might mean.

If he came here just for her, then what _was_ he? What was _she_?

“I don’t know,” he finally says, each word spoken carefully.

Han says nothing for a moment. “Well…”

“Father,” he warns.

Han smirks, and there’s a part of him that both wants to punch that smirk right off his face and fling himself into his father’s arms at the same damned time. “You keep telling yourself that, kid.” He ruffles his hair as he steps past him.

“Where are you going?”

The look on his father’s face turns somewhat grim. “It seems I need to have a conversation with your uncle.”

Before he can stop him, one hand coming up as if he could pull him back with the Force, before he can plead with him to just _please no don’t do that_ , he’s gone. Ben’s hand hangs in the air for a moment before coming to rest uselessly at his side.

And he’s not really sure if he _wanted_ to stop him.

_He’s defending you_.

He reaches up and wipes the moisture that’s pooling at the corner of his eye. He won’t cry, dammit. He _won’t_. But he can’t remember the last time his father ever cared enough to worry about him in such a way. His father ran from his problems, outsmarting and outrunning those who went after him. He didn’t know what to do with his young son and so disappeared. He can count on one hand the amount of times he’d seen his father after he’d been sent off to Luke.

He’d show up and spend most of the time fielding excited questions from the other padawans, kids from across the galaxy who had just barely gotten over meeting and studying with Luke Skywalker. Kids who wanted to know all about the _Falcon_ , who wanted a tour of the great old ship, who wanted hugs from Chewbacca and stories of the olden days when they’d defeated Darth Vader.

He’d hung on those stories with the best of them when he was small, imagining himself as co-pilot. And then as pilot, streaking across the galaxy in that rickety bucket his father loved so much.

_More than you_.

It creeps in on almost timid feet.

_That ship was his child._

He barely notices it at first.

_What were you, really?_

Just a scratching at the sides of his mind.

_Unwanted_.

It pushes.

_Unloved_.

He pushes back.

_No one loves you_.

It’s louder. He knows it’s there. His hands come up to his ears, as if that will block it out.

_No one will ever love you._

It’s never worked before, never kept him out. Only the strength of his own mind, his manipulations of the Force, his knowledge and intelligence and love for his parents despite their failings had ever worked.

_They don’t care!_

He pushes harder. The voice becomes more insistent, wrapping around him. It’s soft, insistent, speaking words of love and horror, telling him things he’s always known.

No.

Telling him things he’s always feared he knows.

Ben doesn’t know what reality _is_ anymore. There are the parents who look on him with a sort of sadness that speaks to their years of miscommunication, their years of mistakes.

_They pity you. The great Kylo Ren, reduced to a sniveling brat not even worthy of the Resistance. Certainly not worthy of the First Order_.

“They don’t,” he murmurs.

Dry, brittle laughter assails his ears and his hands come up again, tugging at his hair, trying to block it out. _You are nothing, Kylo Ren._

“I am not Kylo Ren.”

_You will always be Kylo Ren. There is no going back. You belong to me._

“I belong to no one!” He shouts the words as if they alone will keep him away. But still, he finds his way in through the chinks in his armor, his doubts and fears letting him get a handhold enough to grab hold and tug.

He’s silent then.

Ben takes a deep breath.

He knows he’s still there.

_Do you really think she could ever love you?_ His final parting shot.

And then he’s gone. The sounds around him return, the bright lights of the room hitting his eyes as soon as he opens them. He’s on his knees not far from the doorway and he realizes he’s lost the contents of his stomach sometime during Snoke’s assault on his mind.

He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, closing his eyes as he leverages himself to his feet. The room swims around him and he grips one of the chairs hard as the wave of vertigo passes.

As he leaves the room, only one thought keeps racing around in his mind.

_You are a danger to her…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First I am SORRY this took so long to get out. I've been frantically writing with the goal of finishing the writing part of this before NaNoWriMo (November 1). I am currently writing the Epilogue (!!!), so the chapter count SHOULD stand. 43 chapters, plus the Epilogue.
> 
> Second, sorry for the angst-fest. ;-) But it had to happen sometime!


	28. Chapter 28

“You’re thinking about going back to Luke,” Ben tells her almost as soon as the door to his quarters opens.

There’s a part of her that had considered not going back to him. She stayed away from him, from it all for the entirety of the next day, taking in the sights of Chandrila, having a quiet dinner with Rose and Paige while the boys were off doing whatever it is they did together. She doesn’t exactly avoid Ben, but she doesn’t seek him out either.

And she doesn’t seek out Luke.  Scuttlebutt around the Resistance is that Han was in his quarters the night before and he was angry. She doesn’t know over what, but she’d heard the row had been quite fantastic to listen to for those who had gathered outside Luke’s quarters. There have been rumors that Han might have even punched the Jedi and that Luke had been shouting at the smuggler.

Not that she can imagine Luke being angry.

He’s so serene, which she supposes is part of the issue, really, a good part of why she’s been avoiding him.

She can’t be a Jedi.

She knows she never _could_ be. Not even if Ben hadn’t gotten into her head and awakened the Force inside her. She’s seen too much, been through too much. The injustices of the galaxy and the hardships of the world she’d grown up in were always there in the forefront of her mind. She doesn’t know how anyone can see what she’s seen and end up as serene and near-emotionless as Luke tries to be.

“I am,” she admits.

He scowls, and she can almost hear the question in her mind. _Why?_ But he doesn’t ask it, instead taking a step toward her. “Train with me.”

“I want to…”

“I mean, with _just_ me. Forget Luke. What can he teach you anyway?” One of his hands comes up to punctuate the words.

“What do you know of Force bonds?” she throws back at him.

His lips press together, his eyes narrow just slightly.

“Exactly,” she says in response. “I could find very little information on them.”

“You’ve been doing research…”

“ _Trying_ to,” she emphasizes. “There’s almost nothing out there to be found. A few references here and there. A Jedi named Bastila Shan.”

“Yes, I’ve heard of her,” he confirms. “Fell in love, if I remember right, with a Sith Lord.”

“Yes,” she starts to say and her stomach drops a little as he takes another step toward her. There’s a strange sort of intensity to his look. “I don’t know much about them.”

“Fascinating story, that,” he murmurs, and she’s surprised when one of his hands comes up to briefly cup her face. But then he seems to realize what he’s doing and he takes a step back, the hand that had been touching her a moment ago clenching into a fist. “I’ll have to tell it you sometime.”

“Right.”

They both fall silent.

She wants to bring up what happened between them.

But she doesn’t. She can’t. She doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t know what’s going on. She’s all…muddled up inside somehow.

She’s spared saying anything, by a sharp rap on the door. They jump back from each other and turn almost as one to the door. Rey hits the button to open it. Really, it’s just easier. Whoever is there has just saved them from whatever awkwardness was going on between them.

“Luke,” Ben mutters.

He’s standing in the doorway and she can’t help but look at him carefully to see if he’s sporting any bruises. He’s not, but the way he carries himself seems to point to _some_ sort of tenderness around his abdomen.

“I thought I might find you both here.” He looks from one to the other and Rey feels her cheeks heat. It’s not like they were doing anything. _But you could have_ , her mind very unhelpfully reminds her. But the way Luke is looking at them makes her feel embarrassed. And worse, almost _ashamed_ , as if anything they might have been doing was beneath him.

_It’s not my path_ …

And seeing Luke in front of her right now makes her even more sure of it. Because while his face looks careworn, worry lines written deep beneath his brows, he still looks so kriffing calm.

“Yes, well, here we both are,” Ben says. His hands are clenched into fists and she reaches out to touch him gently on the arm. He almost immediately loosens them, shooting her a look of both curiosity and, if she’s not mistaken, thankfulness.

_We’re in this together_ , she realizes. Bonded, two of only three there with the Force, there’s something _there_. She can feel it skittering across her skin, arcing from him to her.

“Excellent,” Luke says. “May I come in?”

“I’d rather you didn’t.”

“ _Ben_ ,” Rey hisses at him.

“No,” Luke says and he’s watching his nephew. “It’s understandable.” He doesn’t apologize though, Rey realizes. He still holds that one over Ben’s head, that one terrible, tragic thing he’s done in his life that he won’t ever be sorry for.

_You tried to kill him_.

“Why are you here?” Ben spits the words at him.

“Training,” Luke says simply.

“Pardon?” Rey interrupts with.

Luke gives her a soft look. “You need it,” he points out and then looks to Ben. “And you could use a refresher.” Ben snarls something at him, words Rey cannot make out. “Oh come now, Ben, you know even less about this bond you mistakenly formed with Rey than _she_ does.”

The color slightly drains out of his cheeks, and she’s relieved to see him unclench his fist. Not that she could blame him if he put his fist through his uncle’s face. That’s probably been a long time coming, if she’s going to be honest.

“Fine,” Ben mutters.

Luke nods at him. “We’ll get started in the training room. He steps back and the door opens behind him. 0900 hours.” And then he’s gone.

Rey turns to Ben. “That’s...”

Ben groans. “Five minutes. He wants us in the training room in five minutes.”

Rey echoes his groan. “Alright then…”

She’s about to step out of his quarters when Ben reaches out and grasps her hand. “Rey?”

She turns back to him and is surprised when he leans in and presses his lips to hers. It’s chaste, gentle. And then he releases her hand and walks out the door.

She follows him out a moment later and tries to push away that strange, fluttery feeling inside her.

* * *

“Again,” Luke says.

Ben can see Rey visibly stiffen, her shoulders tensing up, small lines forming at the corners of her mouth. They’ve been at it for what seems like hours, sitting carefully in their lotus positions, meditating and trying to merge their minds.

Luke hasn’t said much about what the bond _is_ and Ben knows that even he is getting more and more curious. Luke wants to put them through some paces, stretch it, push at it, bend it completely out of shape. There’s a grim look on his face at one point and Ben is fairly certain he’d like to snap it in half, sever her from him and him from her.

But he doesn’t.

There’s that at least. And Ben wonders what the reason for that is. He can see from the way Luke speaks kindly to Rey and the exasperated looks he tosses Ben’s way that he sees her as some sort of apprentice, the one that Ben could never be.

Rey is full of light.

There’s no doubt of that.

She’s so full of light that even just being in the same room as her warms the heart he once thought cold and dead. It’s not, though. Not at all. It’s coming to life with all the pain off a long-unused muscle being called to action.

“I don’t think I have anything more in me,” Rey says, leaning back on her arms. There’s a sheen of sweat on her forehead and several strands of hair have escaped her buns. He wants to reach out to brush them back and, in fact, almost does, reaching out for a moment before pulling his hand back as if burned.

“Did you think this would be easy?” Luke asks.

“No, of course not,” she starts to say.

“Good. Then… _again_.”

“No,” Ben says, pushing up from his position on the floor. His entire body protests at the movement, muscles aching as he pulls himself to his feet.

“ _Ben_.” There’s a warning note in Luke’s voice, one he’s all too familiar with. It’s why he didn’t want to come back to him, didn’t want to do this. There are memories there, some good, many not. And reliving them? No. He can’t do it. He doesn’t _want_ to do it.

“No,” he repeats. “Look, we’ve been at this for the Force knows how long and we’re not getting any further. I think we deserve to know what this thing _is_ , what you’ve found out.”

“You want a history lesson?”

“I want _something_.”

Rey stands then, coming to stand at his side. “I think he’s right.” Her voice is soft, but firm.

Luke sighs. “Fine, come, sit back down.” Neither of them moves. and Ben finds he’s relieved at that. She’s standing with him, not against him. He’s never had someone stand with him and it’s a strange feeling, really. Comforting in a way he never could have imagined. No one stands with Ben Solo.

Yet here Rey is.

She finally moves, reaching out a hand to touch his arm briefly before she sits back in front of Luke. Ben joins her a bit more slowly.

“I don’t know,” Luke starts with.

Rey groans.

“No, hear me out. I’ve dug up everything I can on Force bonds. They’re rare, but not unheard of. I have one with Leia.”

“That’s why you asked me –”

“If you two were related? Yes.” He holds up his hand as Ben is about to speak. “I’m aware you’re not.” And Ben really wants to punch that smirk off his face.

This was a bad idea.

A very bad idea.

“Look, the reality is that usually these things are formed at birth, most often between siblings who are unusually close in some way, sometimes between parent and child. They’re usually spontaneous. But if you’re to be believed, it happened through a shared trauma.”

Ben hasn’t looked at it that way, really, but he supposes it _was_ a sort of shared trauma. Certainly pushing into her mind had been traumatic for her. He’s had it done to him before, any number of times. Snoke was all too happy to dig through his mind, rifle through his thoughts. It was the only way Snoke felt he could secure any sort of loyalty. _Know what they’re thinking and you’ll always be safe_.

He’d never hidden from Snoke, never fought back. Could’t _imagine_ such a thing.

Snoke would have found him. Wherever he went, whatever he did, Snoke would have tracked him down and the torture would not have been worth it.

But then he’d been inside Rey’s mind. So full of light it _burned_ , and he’s never been the same since. Never _can_ be the same. Even now, he feels the pull to her, wants to wrap himself around her, protect her. Or worse, let her protect him with the strength of her light.

“And so this is the first you’ve ever heard of such a thing?” Rey’s voice has as light quiver to his as she speaks.

“Not entirely.” Luke levels his gaze on Ben.

“Bastila Shan and Revan,” Ben murmurs.

“There’s that name again,” Rey says and she sounds exasperated. “Who was she?”

“She was a Jedi Knight, born centuries ago…” Luke says.

Ben doesn’t look at his uncle as he speaks, instead directing his words to Rey. “She saved the life of a Sith named Revan and a bond was formed. Much the same as ours.”

“Through trauma?” Rey whispers.

“Something along that line.”

“Their story does not end well,” Luke warns. “I wouldn’t try to follow in their footsteps.”

Ben scoffs at that. “I have no desire to do so.”

“Is there…” Rey clears her throat and Ben’s eyes flash to hers. Whatever she’s going to say, it’s not good. There’s color high on her cheeks, and she only meets his eyes for a moment. “Is there a way to break it?”

“Do you want to?” The words burst out of him before he can stop them. “Is that what this is all about?”

“No,” Rey says quickly, hands coming up as if she could fend off his anger with just her body. “I just don’t know how far this thing goes, how much is now tied into the very fabric of our beings.”

Luke is shaking his head. “I wish I had answers for that. _That_ is why we have to explore this and see where it leads us.”

Both Ben and Rey groan at the same time.

“That’s the spirit!” Luke says and his bright voice seems so terribly out of place.

* * *

They start again, for maybe the tenth or fiftieth or millionth time. He’s lost track. Each time they go deeper, thoughts melding together and words passing silently between them both. Luke has them sitting opposite, not touching, eyes closed.

“Tell her to do something,” Luke starts to say and Ben finds himself smirking without thinking about it.

“Not like _that_ , Ben.” And it’s the first time he thinks he’s heard humor in his uncle’s voice since he was a young kid.

“I wasn’t going to…”

“ _Focus_.” And there’s the voice he knows so well. Stern, unyielding, the voice of a teacher and a Jedi.

It sends a small shiver up his spine, memories racing around before he can stop them.

_I can’t treat you any different._

_Ben, you’ve gone too far to the dark side._

_Ben, you’re going to hurt him._

_Ben, no!_

He tries to shake it off, push his thoughts out toward Rey. Something simple, something easily accomplished, something she wouldn’t think to do. _Touch your thumb to your nose._

Simple.

That’s what he intends.

He can feel the cord between them, this almost living _thing_ that represents the bond. It glows silver, changes to gold, as he imagines this silly bit of information flowing across it.

_Wait_.

There’s a streak of red.

Claws inside his mind.

_Rey, wait!_

The thought distorts, twists. He tries to open his eyes, but they only flutter, move back and forth. They’re heavy. Too heavy. He can’t…can’t move his arms, shift position.

Claws inside his mind.

Digging in.

_Did you think me gone?_

The cord twists, turns red. Red with blood.

Claws inside his mind. Digging in, twisting. _Did you think you could be rid of me so easily?_

A laugh, wheezing and distorted as it tears through his brain and down the cord. He can feel it draw taut, can feel Rey try to pull back.

Claws down the cord that connects them. He can see the hand, thin and long, old and scarred, as it pulls at the cord. The other hand comes down and he realizes that it’s trying to tear at it, trying to separate it.

A small tear forms.

Then a larger one.

“No!” he hears someone shout. He’s not sure if it’s him or Rey. Maybe both of them.

“Ben!” That’s not him. He can’t make out the words, distorted by noise, the electrical impulses of a brain gone hot, out of control, a mind lost to the gravitational pull of _something_.

Not something.

Some _one_.

Still that laughter. _You will always be mine, boy. You belong to me, or did you forget? I own you, mind, body and soul. You will return to me, like the mangy cur you are. And if you don’t,  I will find you. And I will put you down._

“Nooooo!” And this time he knows it’s himself shouting. He pulls back, the cord going taut before dissipating. The connection severs as his eyes fly open, his hand coming up. And she’s there. _He_ is there.

_Yes, kill him._

_Kill them both_.

_Come back to me, Kylo Ren._

He throws up his hand and Rey goes flying backward, mouth open in a small “o” of alarm as she hits the wall. His uncle stands in the midst of the storm of fury, buffeted by the winds of his Force power, but still standing.

And then he, _Kylo Ren_ , is charging forward, lightsaber lit as he rushes at Rey.

He doesn’t even see his uncle move, but then he’s there, green lightsaber coming up to stop his in its path.

“Ben, don’t _do_ this,” he hears his uncle say.

“I have to.”

“You don’t. This isn’t _you_ anymore.”

Kylo snarls something unintelligible at Luke, stepping back to release the pressure of the two lightsabers locked together. He takes a swing at the man. He needs him out of the way. He needs to get to _her_.

_Yes, her, Kylo Ren. She is your downfall. End her._

He will.

He has to.

But Luke is there, to block every thrust, every wide swing that he makes to get the old man out of the way. He moves like two men.

And then Kylo is driven back. Just a step, no more. But Luke makes that opening his advantage, pressing him further and further away from the scavenger, further away from his goal.

_Luke is always in your way_.

He raises his lightsaber to do away with the annoying gnat when a searing pain hits is side. Luke has come underneath him and hit him. Not to kill, to wound.

He comes to with a gasp.

The claws release his mind as everything comes into focus around him.

The voice is gone.

_Snoke_ is gone. And he is Ben Solo, not Kylo Ren. He sees Rey across the room, crumpled against the wall. He sees his uncle standing nearby, lightsaber still up. He looks calm, but troubled, lips pressed together tightly, eyes narrowed.

“What just happened?”

Ben is breathing hard and glances down to find his lightsaber lit, still sparking, the only sound in the room besides his own harsh breaths. He extinguishes it and closes his eyes. “Him,” is all he can think to say. He can’t even say the name.

_Snoke_.

He got through, found the chink in his armor, clawed his way through until he had an easy path to worm his way into his mind. He almost got to Rey. He looks over to where she’s still unconscious against the wall and takes a step in that direction.

His uncle moves then and shakes his head. He knows what he’s thinking without even having to ask. _You’re not safe._ She _is not safe_.

Not as long as _he_ can get through. And he can. He’s proven it. Time and time again. In nightmares and now when his mind is open to the Force.

“ _This_ is the darkness I was talking about,” his uncle says and there’s a strange sort of sadness to his voice. Inevitability, he realizes. As if his turn back to Snoke is something he expects, that he’s just been waiting for it to happen, biding his time and wondering when he was going to have to destroy him.

Because Ben has no doubt about that.

_Someone_ is going to have to.

And he doesn’t want it to be Rey. He doesn’t want her to have that blood on her hands. He takes a deep, shuddering breath. He…cares for her too much for it to be her.

“You’ll end me when it’s time?”

Luke’s eyebrows shoot up. “Ben?”

“If I turn. If I go back. Don’t hesitate. Not this time.” He looks over at Rey one more time. “I don’t want her to have to do it. And I will not… _cannot_ …be the cause of her death. If he turns me, if I try to kill her. Promise me.” The last is an entreaty and he holds his hand out to his uncle.

Luke watches him for a moment. “You love her, don’t you?”

Ben closes his eyes, takes a deep breath. He doesn’t want to answer that, doesn’t want to make that _real_. Not now, not like this. “Promise me,” he whispers.

Luke nods and grasps his hand in his. “I promise.”

And then Ben turns on his heels and leaves. He needs to put as much distance between himself and the base, himself and _her_ as possible.

There can be no happy ending here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG I am so sorry for this angst.
> 
> Also, I totally promise he's LYING.


	29. Chapter 29

Rey comes to with a gasp. “What…”

She’s no longer in the training room, laying on a bed in what she assumes is some sort of medical bay. She starts to sit up, but a wave of dizziness hits her and she slumps back to the bed.

The last thing she remembers is the cord snapping.

Her head hitting the wall.

 _Snoke_.

He had been there, along the cord that connected her and Ben, trying to tear through it, sever it. To what end, she doesn’t know. Sometimes she can’t tell if he’s trying to draw her in or push her out. Maybe a little of both. But that was the first time she had the sense that he was trying to actually sever this Force bond they’d formed.

“Snoke,” Luke says. His mouth is set in a grim line.

“Where’s Ben?”

Luke shakes his head. “Gone.”

“Off the planet?” She tries to reach out, but she can’t feel him, can’t sense him anywhere. Her eyes widen as she meets Luke’s eyes.

“No. You can’t sense him?”

“Did he sever it? Did it work?” She doesn’t know why she feels so frantic. It’s like a part of her is cut off, a phantom limb that aches. She feels lonely. For the first time since she left Jakku, she feels alone.

Luke gives her a sad smile. “I don’t think so. Ben was not in his right mind when he fled.”

“Why didn’t you go after him?”

“I don’t think he would have wanted me to.”

She takes a deep breath and tries sitting up again, relieved that the dizziness seems to have passed. “Because you tried to kill him.” The words fall heavily into the room.

“It seems everyone thinks that,” Luke muses. Rey can feel something well up inside her…anger. And she’s not sure if it’s hers or Ben’s. She can’t feel him out there, but she still holds part of him inside her, rage and pain and that small flicker of light that tells her he’s not lost to Snoke yet.

“I _saw_ it,” she says and is surprised to see Luke take a step back. “From him. He showed me. I saw the whole thing.”

“I didn’t try to kill him.”

She stares at him for a moment. “He thinks you did.”

“Reality is often different than our own perception of it.” He crosses his arms over his chest.

“How very _Jedi_ of you,” she says, not even trying to keep the bitterness out of her voice.

Luke cocks his head a little to the side, as if he’s studying some sort of strange bug on a microscope. “You don’t actually like the Jedi, do you?”

She cringes. “If being a Jedi is attempting to murder your own nephew in his sleep, then no. No I don’t.” Luke says nothing to that, and for a moment she fears he’s going to leave the room, leave the conversation. She’s not even sure what she wants to resolve here, what she wants to happen. But she feels like she _needs_ to say it, needs to do what Ben can’t seem to do himself. “You were all he had, and you _thought_ about killing him. Even for a moment.”

Luke keeps watching her, still with that serene look on his face. But that only lasts a moment. The look crumbles just slightly, his eyes creasing at the edges, lips pressing together, downturned at the corners. “I failed him.” Simple words, but so much pain behind them. “I failed them all and I have regretted it _every single day_.”

“Is that why you hid yourself away?”

“I think you know the answer to that question.”

“I do.” She takes a deep breath and stands. Her legs are a little wobbly underneath her, but she regains her footing easily enough.

“Where are you going?” She’s not quite sure if the concern in his voice is for her or because he’s worried about what she’s going to do.

“I need to find him.” She glances out the window. It’s getting dark out, but she has a feeling she knows where he’s crawled off to to lick his wounds. He won’t be that hard to find.

“Is that really wise?”

She shrugs. “Perhaps. Perhaps not. But I need to find him.” She starts to turn away, but then thinks better of it, whirling back around to face Luke once more. “You’re their hope,” she says. Simple words for a not-so-simple idea. “To them, you’re _everything_. Maybe you should start acting like it.”

Her words sting. She can see that much. But it doesn’t matter. There’s a bitter disappointment deep inside her, a sort of bone deep weariness that makes her wonder if all of this is really worth it.

“Rey?” Luke says as she’s just about to exit the room. “He cares about you.”

She takes a deep breath, lets it out on a sigh. “I know.”

“Use that.” She glances back at him, and is surprised to see just how serious, how _calm_ , those faded blue eyes of his are.

“I care for him too,” she answers with, and he nods.

“Use that too. It’s our love for each other that brings light to the darkness. It’s his love that brought him home. It’s _your_ love that will keep him here.”

She walks away then.

It’s only later, as she’s stepping into the woods in search of Ben that she realizes she never told Luke she loved him.

* * *

He comes to in the middle of a clearing. He doesn’t even remember how he got there. All he can remember is Rey crashing against the wall, the sickening thud of her head hitting it, seeing her slumped there on the ground. Unconscious…because of him. Again. The last time there had been so little conflict as he’d knocked her unconscious and carried her back to the _Finalizer_.

But this time?

_You love her, don’t you?_

Does he?

 _You can’t._ Love is not possible for him, not with what he’s seen, what he’s done.

Not with _him_ in his head.

He’s managed to rip Snoke out again, but he’s left claw marks inside his mind this time. He can feel them bleeding into his very soul, darkness trying to consume what little light he’s been able to cling to. And _she_ is most of that light.

_You love her, don’t you?_

His uncle’s words echo in his mind and he wants to scream. _Yes. Of course I do. Who wouldn’t?_ Rey is glorious in every way. Fierce, independent, beautiful. He’s been in her mind and left it feeling like he’d been inside the very sun, her light trying to burn away every bit of darkness inside him.

He’ll never let go.

Ben slumps to the side and feels the bile rise up in him, retching onto the grass. There’s still a bitterness in his mouth, still that feeling of not _if_ he comes for him, but _when_. And when he does? What happens to Rey? Snoke would extinguish that light if given half a chance.

_You love her, don’t you?_

He needs to protect her from Snoke, from himself. He knows what he’s capable of in his darkest moments. Snoke will push him further this time, will take him back to the _Supremacy_ and make an example of him, _reprogram_ him. He was never able to banish Ben Solo from Kylo Ren. Snoke hadn’t done enough to banish him completely. But this time? He knows he won’t hold back.

And he will take Rey down with him.

 _You love her, don’t you_?

Damn him, but he does. Every bit of him aches for her, aches to hold her, to touch her, just to be _near_ her. Every smile she bestows on him gives him _hope_.

And that’s perhaps the worst thing of all. Knowing it’s out there, if he could just grasp on to it and _hold on_. But he can’t. Not with Snoke still able to get access to him. He’s a danger to them all. He always has been.

It’s only a matter of time.

* * *

She finds him exactly where she thought she would. She’s found it herself before and had a sense he’d been there. There was something in the trees around the clearing, something in the grass. She just _knew_. Like she knows where her hand is in relationship to her body. This Force bond has become almost a normal part of her, an extra sense that helps to carry her through her days.

He doesn’t seem to notice her at first. He stands with his back to her, completely still. She can’t see his lightsaber, but she can hear the crackling intensity of it. She almost speaks but then he swings his arm out, lightsaber held in a tight grip as he holds it straight out to his side.

It’s like a dance, his practicing forms. He’d tossed his shirt to the side before she got there, and she watches, mesmerized, as the muscles of his arms and back ripple with his movements. He moves as if he’s in slow motion, as if it’s some kind of dream. Thrusts, parries, moving against a foe who is not there. When he turns, she can see him in profile, the broad forehead, the long nose, plush lips that she still remembers against her own. His lips are drawn into a tight line of pain.

He’s still fighting demons.

He’s still fighting _him_.

 _Snoke_.

She can see it in every line of his body, in the deep furrow between his brows, in the sweat and tears that have tracked down his cheeks.

He’s still _fighting_ and that’s perhaps the most important thing of all. Luke fears losing him to the Dark Side again. She knows this, but even worse, Ben fears losing himself to it. That fear comes off him in waves, buffets her, and she holds to the nearest tree as she continues to watch his brutal dance.

When he whips around and focuses on her, she’s not expecting it. He takes a leap toward her, lightsaber held out, and she just holds her hands up.

He stops.

And stares at her, sucking in great lungfuls of air. For a moment she fears he’s not going to turn the lightsaber off, but then he drops it to its side, the blade going out. Silence returns to the clearing. She can hear the call of some strange birds in the distance, can hear the rustling of creatures in the underbrush.

“Ben…” she starts to say, but he cuts her off.

“What are you doing here?” There’s a dark pain behind the words.

“Is he still with you?” she asks instead.

He doesn’t say anything for a moment. “No,” he says at last.

She releases a breath. “Good.” Taking a step toward him, she holds out her hand. He stares at it but doesn’t take it. She takes another step toward him. “Ben, what’s going on?”

He’s still staring at her hand when he speaks again. “Go back to your Resistance friends.” They’re said on a sneer, the corner of one lip turned up. He won’t meet her eyes, and when she tries to probe into the bond, tries to get a sense of what he’s feeling, what he’s thinking, it slams shut so forcefully that she lets out a gasp.

“You’re _one_ of my Resistance friends.”

He snarls something at her that she can’t quite understand, and she watches as he twists his lightsaber around, twirling it in his hand, thumb occasionally brushing the button to activate it without ever pressing it down. It’s almost an unconscious movement and she wonders how often he’s done it, as if it can somehow soothe his wayward emotions. A sort of nervous tic. She doesn’t know why she’s never noticed it before.

“Ben?”

“I’m not your friend.” The words are dark, chilling. They don’t sound like Ben. They sound like Kylo Ren.

“Ben, don’t do this.” She takes a step toward him. Then another. She’s only a few feet away from him, when she reaches out a hand toward him. He flinches back. “Ben, please. We can work together. We can keep him out.”

“No one can keep him out!” The words are torn from him, forced through lungs and larynx, a harsh cry of pain and anguish and _fear_. She realizes he hasn’t been afraid, not like when he first came back with them. Some of that had been chased away as they found themselves pulled closer to each other. It was still there, of course, with every nightmare they shared, but it had dulled. No longer a knife edge of pain, it was something she almost… _almost_ …forgot about.

Now it’s back, sharper than ever, tinged with an overtone of inevitability.

Like he knows.

Snoke will get him.

Snoke will bring him back.

Snoke will end them all.

“We can. You and I. Together.” She steps forward again and reaches out to touch his shoulder. He doesn’t flinch back this time at least, and his eyes bore into hers as he leans slightly toward her.

“He will kill you, Rey.” The words are whispered. She has to lean closer to hear him. “If given half the chance, he will end you. And Luke. And all of this.” He waves the hand not holding his lightsaber wildly about him. “And then where will I be?”

She leans up then, wraps her arms around his neck. “It won’t happen. I won’t let it.”

With a sharp cry, he drops his lightsaber to wrap his arms around her, burying his face in the crook of her neck as she stands on tiptoes to share the embrace. It’s awkward. He’s trembling and unsteady.

“It will,” he whispers into her skin, his lips touching her lightly as he speaks. She shivers, and she’s not sure if it’s because of the feel of his lips against her skin or the darkness in his voice. “There’s no defeating him. I don’t know why I ever thought there was. I don’t know why I ever came back with you. I’ve doomed you all.”

She really has no idea what to say to that, so she holds him close while she focuses on her breathing. There’s a part of her that’s trying so very hard to keep her rising panic down, because if the First Order reclaims Kylo Ren, they’re doomed. He’s seen too much. He _knows_ too much. And Luke may be the hope they all thought they were looking for, but he’s only one man.

“It won’t,” Rey says and there’s a fervency in her voice. “I won’t let it.” She pulls back from him then to meet his eyes. They’re red-rimmed, but dry. The dark circles beneath them stand out in stark contrast to his pale skin. He looks a wreck, more so than she’s ever seen him. There are cracks in the façade, deep cracks that she wants to fill with all the warmth and light she can.

He shakes his head, opens his mouth to say something, but closes it quickly.

“Say it,” she murmurs. “Whatever you’re going to say, just say it.”

“Go back to them.” The words tumble out of his mouth quickly, as if getting them all out at once would hurt less.

“Ben…”

“Go back to them and forget about me. Forget about _this_.” He gestures between them. “Whatever this _thing_ is.”

“We have a Force bond, Ben. We can’t just…”

“You have to. I’m dangerous to you.” He brings both of his hands up to his head, grips the strands of his hair hard, She wants to stop him from tugging at his own hair, but she has no idea how. Helpless. She feels utterly helpless.

And hopeless.

“Are you going back to him?”

He watches her for a moment, eyes unreadable, expression serious. Then he presses his lips together and shakes his head. “No. Never. I don’t want to.”

“Because you’re one of us.”

He doesn’t respond to that and she’s not quite sure how to take it. “I will keep helping you as long as I can. But Rey, surely you must see that if he can get to _me_ , he can get to _you_. And he will. “

 _I’m coming for you_ …words from a nightmare from what feels like a century ago. “I won’t let him…”

“He takes whatever he wants.”

“Like you,” she surmises. “How long, Ben?”

His brow furrows at that and his head cocks slightly to the side. “I don’t…”

“How long was he there? Before he took you?”

“He didn’t take me.” There’s a bitterness there. “I went to him. It was my choice.”

“Was it?” She doesn’t mean the words to come out so harsh. He rears back slightly at that.

“We always have choices. I made mine. And there’s no escaping it. It’s destiny.” He sounds like he’s parroting words he’s heard a thousand times before. It’s strange, really, how _dead_ the words sound. No bitterness, no anger, no despair, Just matter-of-fact and plainly spoken.

“That’s not you,” she says. “You’re not saying those words. How long?”

He doesn’t respond, crosses his arms over his chest as he stares at her with an almost blank expression on his face. He’s shutting down, she realizes. So much pain and anger inside him that he doesn’t know what to _do_ anymore. She knows from talking to Finn that when he was part of the First Order, he would have taken his lightsaber to something, the trees, the ground, the rocks, and destroyed it all. But now he’s strangely calm. Even the bond is no longer roiling with emotions.

“Ben,” she says again. “ _How long_?”

“Twenty-three years,” he finally responds with. “It was twenty-three years until he took me. And then he spent the next six tearing my mind apart, trying to make me into something that resembled him. No family, no friends, no love, _nothing_ but the Dark side and the lust for power.”

“It didn’t work,” she whispers.

“That’s where you’re wrong,” he says.

“You broke free…”

“To what end? He’s still there inside my mind. And he’s in yours.”

“Do you regret it?” She doesn’t know what possesses her to ask, but the need to know is there, right at the surface.

“Regret coming here?”

“All of it. Letting your father live, coming here with us, this Force bond. Would you go back and change it if you could?”

He’s silent for a moment. “Rey, go back to your friends.” And then he turns away.

She can feel the tears pricking at her eyes, threatening to fall. She fights them back. Rey doesn’t cry. She is tougher than that, having spent most of her life scavenging in the harsh desert climate of Jakku. She’s seen things, experienced things, that would have laid a lesser person low. But she triumphed. And she’s here.

And so she turns away, heart heavy and mind in turmoil.

She gets as far as the trees when she hears Ben speak her name. It’s so soft she’s almost sure that she’s hearing things, but she turns back toward him. “No.”

One simple word.

One tiny word among so many. _No_. It seems like it should mean nothing. And yet it means _everything_.

It means hope. “Thank you,” she murmurs as she turns to head back into the forest. She doesn’t know if she should leave him, not like this. She almost doesn’t, almost insists on his accompanying her. But the way his shoulders slump as he turns from her, the shudder that passes through him, tells her all she needs to know. He needs to be alone.

He needs to come to terms with everything that’s happened.

He needs to face down his demons.

And he needs to win.

 _They_ need to win. Together.

She has no idea what that entails exactly, but she knows that she’ll keep fighting. For herself, for the Resistance, and most definitely for Ben Solo.


	30. Chapter 30

He doesn’t see her for two days. It’s not by accident. He won’t see her. He _can’t_. If he does, she’ll get into his head, he’ll get into hers. And Snoke will get into both of their heads. He’s terrified that Snoke will somehow get to her, corrupt her as he did _him_.

She shines so bright.

He can’t have that light darkened by the likes of Snoke.

And so when someone knocks at his door, he startles. He’s not expecting anyone, not that he ever is really. But what he does know is that it’s _not_ Rey at his door. He knows this like he knows how many fingers and toes he has, how he knows the color of his own eyes. She’s across the base somewhere, with her friends no doubt. He doesn’t delve deeper than that. He just doesn’t want to take the chance that they’ll connect through this bond in some way, that they’ll bring attention to themselves. Snoke is _so close_ , just there, right beyond the edges of his consciousness. He’s waiting for him to slip up, so he can dig his claws in, get the leverage he’s finally been looking for.

It takes him just a moment to realize who _is_ at the door and so when it slides open, he’s able to face her with at least some modicum of calm. “Mother.” His voice is flat, and he hopes that hides enough of the wayward emotions coursing through him at her mere presence.

His father has always been an irritation, someone he knows loves him but doesn’t know _how_ to love him. Someone who was never there, spending more time _escaping_ than just _being_. He doesn’t know his father. Or he didn’t, at least. He’s starting to get to know him, which is more than a little bit strange at his age.

But his mother?

She was the one he wanted to impress. She was the one who he tagged after on the occasions he was allowed to leave their apartments. She was the one he missed the most when they’d sent him off to Luke’s, the one whose approval meant _everything_ to him. Snoke spent most of his time trying to sever the bond between mother and son.

He’d almost succeeded.

Ben had thought he’d hated her by the time he’d destroyed Luke’s academy and gone to Snoke.

“Ben,” she says, looking up at him. There are creases at the corners of her eyes that he doesn’t remember being there before.

“I’m surprised you’re here,” he says in answer, crossing his arms over his chest. “Don’t you have meetings with the leaders of our allied worlds? Or people to talk into sacrificing their military for your cause?”

“ _Our_ cause,” she says and there’s a tightness to her voice. “May I come in?”

Ben doesn’t move for a moment, but then finally backs up and waves her in. “Of course. It’s not like I could keep you out if I wanted.”

Leia heaves a sigh. “Ben.” When he looks at her, _really_ looks at her, he realizes she seems somehow diminished, weighted down by all that surrounds her. Everyone is relying on her, everyone _needs_ her. “I talked to your father,” she says simply.

Such small words, those ones.

“He told you.”

Leia watches him for a moment. “I didn’t know, Ben,” she says by way of answer.

“No one did,” he says. He starts to turn away from her. What can he say to that, really? To make her understand? Betrayed at every turn, tossed aside, almost murdered…is it any wonder he turned to Snoke? Snoke, who was always there, always telling him someone cared for him, someone loved him and looked out for him. He knows _now_ what that supposed love represented. But when he was young, it was a lifeline of sorts.

Leia puts her hand on his shoulder, and he turns back to her. “Ben.” It’s just his name, but it’s such a broken whisper, so much heartache behind it that he almost crumbles.

“You sent me away to Luke,” he says instead. “You and father. You didn’t know what to do with me and so you sent me to someone who would see all that darkness, see _Snoke_ , and instead of helping me, he tried to murder me in my sleep.”

“I swear I didn’t know.” There’s desperation behind the words.

“No? I suppose you can’t have known that. I would have left so much sooner if I had known what was in his heart.”

“He says it was a mistake.”

Ben lets out a soft huff, a sort of bitter laugh that he can see cuts right through his mother. “Of course he does. He sent me to the dark side.” Here he takes a deep breath. “I was fighting it, you know. All along.”

“How long?”

“Surely you must know.” He well remembers his parent’s arguments about the darkness in him. He remembers the fear in his mother’s voice, the frustration in his father’s. He remembers the nightmares, the sleepless nights, crawling into their room and hearing them, as he fell asleep, talking of _what to do with him_.

He hadn’t even begun to understand what _he has so much of your father in him_ meant. Not then. Not when he thought her father the dead king of a world destroyed by the Empire. He had wondered, for so long, what was so _bad_ about her father. For her had no doubt that was a _bad_ thing. His father’s voice had been pitched low, tight, the sort of worry that sets a young boy on edge.

He had always been on edge.

He still is.

He can’t remember ever feeling relaxed, feeling comfortable in his own skin.

_Except when you’re with Rey_.

It’s how he knows that he’s in perhaps deeper than he’d like to admit. He wanted to teach her. That was all. Show her the ways of the Force, help her in her quest to be everything she could be. There were so few of them left in the world that he _needed_ to show her what he knew.

_When did it become so much more?_

His mother sighs. “I think I always knew,” she admits. “There was this _feeling_ while you were in my womb, this feeling of wrongness that I could never explain. Your father chalked it up to anxiety over being a mother.” Her she smiles softly, hand placed over her belly. “But I knew it was something else.”

“And yet you ignored it?”

“I _fought_ it.”

“Did you?”

Another sigh. “I tried.”

Ben feels those word pierce him through. “And it wasn’t enough.”

“No. How could it have been? I didn’t know what he was doing to you. I had no understanding of it. Luke…”

“Luke did,” Ben finishes for her, a dark edge to his voice. “Luke did, and he saw that his only recourse was to kill me. In my sleep no less. Don’t give me any chance for atonement. No, just end me when you can.”

Leia shakes her head. “That’s not the brother I know.”

“But it _was_. You just weren’t aware of it.” He’s punishing her. He doesn’t know why, really. It was so long ago. But still, all he can think of is how he felt as a boy. She let him go, sent him off, and didn’t even come after him herself. Even to get him back, to save him from Snoke’s clutches, she couldn’t come herself. She sent his father.

He should stop.

But the anger has been burning there just below the surface for _so long_. He steps closer to her, towers over her. He wonders when she got so _small_. His mother always seemed larger than life, the princess turned general that everyone looked up to. But now, here, with _him_ , she just seems like a shadow of herself.

“I’m sorry,” she manages to get out. She meets his eyes as she speaks, and he finds he can’t look away. “I was a terrible mother.” The words are whispered, pulled out of her as if speaking them any louder would cause the world around them to crumble to dust.

Ben doesn’t respond for a moment. He’s not sure how to really. Because there’s a truth there, from one angle. She left him alone with droids who tried to kill him. She dragged him to long senate meetings with little to do. She never took the _time_ for him, really, and so all it took was Snoke digging into those moments to twist him up inside.

“It wasn’t all bad,” he murmurs. There had been those shining moments when she seemed to truly be there, present, in her interactions with him. His birthday celebrations, planetary holidays, and the occasional day she just took off to spend time with him. They had been few and far between, but there had been moments when he was still with her that he remembers he had been _happy_.

She shakes her head, deep lines at the corner of her mouth. “Can you ever forgive me?”

“Yes,” he says, and he’s surprised at how quickly the word slips out of his mouth.

Leia’s eyebrows shoot up at the word. When he says nothing else, her lips draw into a tight smile. “I sense a ‘but’ coming on.”

He can’t quite bring himself to echo her smile. “It will take time.”

“Time may be something we don’t have much of,” she points out.

He nods. “I know.”

“I slapped Luke,” she says, almost conversationally. “If that helps at all.”

And this _does_ make him smile. “Maybe a little,” he admits. “You didn’t have anyone record it, did you?”

She lets out a small huff of laughter. “No, son. Maybe next time.”

“I like the sound of that.”

Her eyes are soft as she steps forward and wraps her arms around him. For a moment, he does nothing, just stands there with her arms around him and his head hanging low. Then he finally follows suit, pulling her in close for a moment before letting her go and stepping away from her.

His mother nods and turns to go.

But then she stops and turns back to him. “You just be careful with, Rey.” There’s no malice in her voice. “That girl cares about you. I can see it.”

“ _Mother_.”

She just offers him a faint smile and disappears out the door.

And he can feel his face turning red already. Leave it to his mother to bring up Rey. It seems his entire family has decided she’s worth protecting. He supposes he should be happy they’ve taken her under their wing in such a way. She has no one.

_Except you,_ his brain not so helpfully provides.

_She’d have you if you didn’t run_ , another part of himself points out.

He’s not running. Not exactly. But _he_ has to protect her too. And he realizes he would. He _will_. He’d lay down his life to keep her safe.

* * *

It’s becoming a familiar thing, she realizes. Her eyes open and she’s not alone. Or she _is_ alone, but still he’s there with her. He’s thrashing in the bed, turning from his side, to his back, arms flailing a bit.

“Ben,” she whispers. She doesn’t reach out to touch him. She stays pressed up against the wall, a bit of space between them. If she startles him, she doesn’t know what he’ll do. Everything has been so _off_. Snoke is digging in. She should have known it would only be a matter of time before he managed to snake his way further and further into Ben’s mind.

And hers.

That scares her more than anything else.

She whispers Ben’s name again and this time his eyes flutter open. He watches her, but she’s not sure he entirely _sees_ her. There’s a half-smile on his face, just for a moment. And then it fades.

He knows she’s there. “Rey, you can’t.”

“Ben, talk to me.” She can feel the darkness at the edges of his mind.

He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath.

“Ben, no!”  And then she finds herself back in her own room, shivering slightly in the chilly room. “Kriff,” she mutters.

She’s up before she is even aware of what she’s doing. If he’s going to throw her out of their bond, then she’s going to have to go to him. He can’t toss her out so easily if she’s physically present.

Tossing on a dressing gown over her night clothes, she steps out into the hall. It’s quiet there, on the floor she shares with some of the other women of the Resistance. There are no guards here on Chandrila. They’re safe. Or as safe as they can be. But still, she doesn’t want to get caught sneaking out, doesn’t want to explain where she’s going in her night clothes, and so she treads on bare feet down the hall.

She avoids the lift and instead creeps down the staircase located at one end. Ben is on the second floor of the building they’re all staying in, and it feels like it takes forever to walk down the five flights to get to his floor.

But she arrives, heart still in her stomach. Standing at his door, she shuts her eyes and concentrates. She doesn’t want to knock. He won’t let her in, she’s sure of that. He’s blocking her. Even now, she can just barely feel the cord that ties them together. It’s like there’s a curtain drawn between them. Some of the light can get in, but not all.

She’s been working on manipulating objects, and she’s getting pretty good at it, if she’s going to be honest with herself. But a door? She’s never opened one of those before. _It’s just like the others_ , she hears inside her head. It’s what Luke told her when she tried to lift a particularly large rock. _Envision the Force around it, envision its movements through the Force, changing its location. Now…open your eyes…_

And she does.

The door is open. Not all the way, just a foot or so. Enough for her to sneak through and let it close behind her. It almost closes _on_ her as she moves through it and she has to bite back a little squeak as it hits her arm. But she makes it, pausing just inside the door to take a deep breath.

It’s dark in the room.

She can just barely make out Ben’s form on the bed, and so moves closer. And she realizes, perhaps a moment later than she had wanted, that he’s awake. That he sees her. “Rey.”

She comes to stand at the side of the bed and then kneels, reaching out to take his hand in hers. It’s cold, a little clammy. She rubs it between her hands, and he sighs.

“Rey, you can’t…”

“Don’t shut me out,” she whispers.

“Rey…”

“Please don’t.”

“You don’t know what you’re asking.” The words are said so quietly, that she has to lean forward to catch them. He turns his hand in hers, grasping it lightly.

“Then _tell_ me,” she says in response.

He says nothing for a moment, watching her with completely unreadable eyes. And then he shifts a little in the bed, leaves just enough room for her to climb up next to him. She doesn’t need more of an invitation than that, curling her body against his. His arm comes around her and pulls her tight to him, a band of steel at her back. She can relax here. She won’t fall off the bed. He won’t let her fall. She’s _safe_.

“You’re not safe,” he says. She doesn’t know if it’s a response to her thoughts or not, but she looks up at him, notes the grim set to his mouth.

“I’ve never been safe,” she whispers.

He shakes his head. “You don’t know what he’s like. You don’t know what he could _do_ to you. Rey. As long as you’re with me, as long as you’re connected to me, you will never be safe.”

“Then tell me.”

“He found me as a child. No, he found me _before_ I was a child.” He presses his lips together at her confused look. “I don’t remember him ever not being there. I think I could feel him just outside my mind before I was even born. My mother often talked of a vein of darkness flowing through me…”

“Snoke,” she surmises.

“He was always interested in my _bloodline_.” The last is said with such bitterness that Rey isn’t sure how to react. She would love a bloodline, parents she could call her own, a last kriffing name. But no, she’s just Rey. Rey the scavenger from Jakku, the desert rat with no family. And she doesn’t even know if that’s her _real_ name or just something dumped on her by the likes of Unkar Plutt. He never was very forthcoming about her parents.

“It wasn’t you he really wanted.”

“It was never _me_. I was strong in the Force, yes. But it was the connection to Anakin…to _Vader_ …that he wanted.”

She shakes her head and reaches out, putting one hand on his chest. She can feel the harsh rise and fall of it, can feel as he sucks in breaths, as he _remembers_.

“That’s why…”

“Why I feared I’d never be as strong as him?” There’s almost a bit of amusement behind the words, remembering their first meeting, remembering her tearing into his mind. The bond had formed then, linking them together. Quite possibly forever, Rey realizes. She still knows so little of this bond between them.

_What happens if one of them dies?_

“The other lives,” Ben says, and she feels his arm tighten a little bit more around her, an almost unconscious gesture. “You’ll live if I die. But I think it will hurt.”

She shifts then, looks up at him. She can just barely make out his eyes in the dark. “Do you think it would hurt only because of the bond?”

He stares at her, eyes wide. “That’s…” he starts. “I mean…without that…”

“Without that, we wouldn’t be here,” she finishes for him.

“Yes.” His voice breaks on the single syllable and she can see something there in his eyes, can feel it floating through the bond. If she can just reach out, just grab onto it, she’ll have her answer. But he looks away from her, jaw clenching.

“Maybe,” she says, pulling herself up a little closer to him. “But maybe not?” She shifts again, and now she’s up alongside him. His arm drifts lower, just around her waist, her face coming close to his. He looks back to her and she’s suddenly _so aware_ of just how close he is to hers.

This wasn’t what she intended when she came to him. Save him from his nightmare, get him to let her in. _That_ was what she intended. _That_ was what she thought he needed.

But now she’s not so sure as she feels _something_ come through the bond. Something stronger than fear, brushing against her senses. “Ben?” she asks, and her voice is breathless.

He murmurs her name, and she leans up to press her lips to his. It feels so kriffing right that she wants to keep doing it, and so she wraps her arms around him and draws him closer. She has no idea where this is going, how far this is going, but all she knows is she _needs_ this right now.

She needs him, needs the closeness, and so she kisses him again. And again. Maybe if she keeps kissing him, she’ll make them _both_ forget about Snoke.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My gosh YOU GUYS. Over 900 kudos. I can't believe it! Just for that, you get the next chapter super early. This was originally supposed to be all one big chapter, but it was over 6k long, so it got divided. So...enjoy!

“Rey,” he murmurs, pulling back from her. “We really shouldn’t…” But he doesn’t finish whatever he’s intending to say to her, because he’s drawing her in closer, pulling her in for another kiss. It’s soft this time, open-mouthed. She thinks they’re getting the hang of this as she leans a little more into it, shifting her head just a little so she can deepen the kiss.

Their tongues move together almost lazily, dipping in to taste each other, sliding together. It’s not like their last kisses, frantic and messy and confused. There’s no confusion here and Rey lets out a small moan in the back of her throat as Ben shifts a little, pushing Rey onto her back and coming over her to continue kissing her.

Her hands tangle in his hair.

One of his reaches up to undo the messy bun she’d tossed her hair into before she went to bed, undoing the tie to it and pulling it free with a deftness she might not have expected. She wonders, not for the first time if she’s going to be honest, how much experience he has. Surely in the First Order…

Ben groans, pulling back from her suddenly. “None,” he whispers as he leans in and kisses her again. “Well, none more than we’ve done so far.”

“I was your…”

“First kiss? First…everything?” He lets out a bit of a self-deprecating laugh at that. “Yes.”

She watches him for a moment, wishing she could see just how red his cheeks are. Reaching up, she brushes the hair away from his eyes and meets them there in the darkness of the room. “You’re…That is…I’ve never done any of this either. I don’t really know what I’m doing.”

He kisses her again then, deep and slow and she _loves_ it. “We’re getting pretty good at this,” he says, and she laughs.

“Oh kriff, it shouldn’t be funny,” she mutters.

He shakes his head. “No. Don’t stop. I like your laugh.”

“This is so kriffing awkward.”

“Is it? You’re already here.” He points to his temple. “You know me better than anyone Rey. You’re my other half. You know that, don’t you? The other part of my soul?” He murmurs more words as he leans in to kiss her. First her lips again, but then her forehead, her eyes, the tip of her nose. When he moves down and buries his face in her neck, kissing her just at the juncture where neck meets shoulder, she has to clamp down on the gasp that comes out. “You like that?” he murmurs against her skin.

“Yes.” Her voice is so breathy she barely recognizes it. “Yes. Keep _doing_ that.”

And her hands are back in his hair, those silky dark locks that she realizes she’s wanted to touch since the moment he pulled that kriffing mask off and revealed himself to her. The dark locks of a prince of a world that no longer exists. He’s still aristocratic, raised among senators and war heroes. His command of the Force is a legendary thing, and she finds that all of that draws her more and more into him, more and more into _this_.

He nips at her neck and she lets out a startled gasp. “Kriff,” she mutters.

“Can I…” he says, and she opens her eyes to see one of his hands sort of hovering in the air. He turns then and meets her eyes and she wonders just how far they’re going to let this go. She’s not sure what she’s ready for. It’s all so overwhelming and _real_. She should be terrified and a small part of her _is_ , if she’s going to be totally honest with herself.

“Can you…”

“Consent, right?” he murmurs. “Can I touch you? Please?” There’s this needy little whine to his voice that sets her almost over the edge.

She nods.

And then his hand sweeps down to lightly touch her shoulder, caress her neck. He cups her face and kisses her again and then moves his hand down. For a moment he hovers above one of her breasts, as if he has to steel himself to do it. _I’m his first too_ , she reminds herself. And that thought makes her strangely giddy.

He finally settles his hand on her and this time it’s he who lets out a gasp. He runs his hand along her breast, and she can feel the nipple tighten. He cups it in his massive hand and it’s a strange, but lovely feeling as he rolls the nipple around, pinches it and looks up at her as she lets out a small gasp. “This ok?” he asks.

“Yes,” she just barely manages to get out.

“Good,” he murmurs. “You’re so soft.” He leans down and presses a kiss to her breast through the thin material of her nightshirt and _this_ causes her to gasp and her hips to buck up just a little against his.

He curses as she comes into contact with him.

“Sorry,” she says, the word slipping automatically from her mouth.

“No.” He shakes his head as he speaks. “It’s just…it…” He curses again and she actually finds herself laughing a little. He ducks his head against her neck, kissing her softly there. “It felt good.”

He sounds almost embarrassed.

She turns her head and presses her cheek into his damp hair. “It felt good to me too.”

He pushes back then and meets her eyes in the dark. She can’t quite make out the expression on his face, but she can _feel_ it, somewhere through their bond. “It did?” She nods. “It did,” he repeats, and she bites back another laugh. “Can I do it again?”

“Please.” And she does something daring, something she never could have imagined doing some months ago. She pulls the night shift over her head, leaving her nearly completely bare. She still has her undergarments on, but her chest is bare to someone for the first time in her life.

She thanks the Force it’s dark in the room, that he can’t quite _see_ her. And still, she has to fight with herself to not cross her arms over her chest.

This time when he leans down to press a kiss to her breast, there’s nothing between her and his lips. It’s so much _more_ as he opens his mouth to suck at it, his tongue coming out to press into the sensitive bud. She nearly bucks off the bed at that and she’s rewarded with a small laugh from him.

“Sorry,” she murmurs.

“Don’t…” he starts to say, leaning down to press another kiss to it, using his tongue on the underside. He scrapes his teeth across the sensitive flesh and she nearly jumps out of her skin again at the intensity of the sensation. “Don’t apologize. Not for this. Not _ever_.” There’s an intensity behind the words and she finds herself nodding, her hands coming down to caress his soft hair. She likes the feel of it through her fingers, likes the feel of it as it ghosts across her chest, the small tickle of the strands brushing her bare skin.

“I…” she starts to say.

“Promise me,” he interrupts her with. “No apologies for any reaction.”

“I promise,” she says and is rewarded by the feel of his hand lightly brushing the bare skin of her stomach. There are times she hates her body, the hard muscles honed from years scavenging. She’s not _soft_. Not like she’s told a woman should be. But the intensity of the way he studies her, the feelings of want and _need_ coming through the bond make her feel beautiful, cherished.

“Good,” he responds with. And then – “You’re amazing.” His hand runs from her breast down her stomach, resting just above where her undergarments begin. He hesitates there, one finger toying with the band.

He’s uncertain, she realizes. Uncertain and worried about what it is he wants to do, and not for the first time Rey wonders just what exactly they _are_ doing, how far they’re willing to go, how far _she_ is. This is completely out of the realm of her understanding, something she’s never imagined herself doing, except in the dark of night with some nameless, faceless man.

“Can I?” he finally says, pulling slightly at the band of her undergarments.

She takes a deep breath.

Yes.

She’s really going to do this, let him go _there_ when no one else has touched her there.

And so she lifts her hips and slides her undergarments off, tossing them to the side to land somewhere near her shift.

She hears Ben suck in a breath at her boldness. But he doesn’t do anything more and she finally nudges at him with one leg. “Was there something you wanted to do?”

He clears his throat. “Well…I mean…yes?”

“You’re not sure?”

She feels the hot flush of embarrassment come through the bond and for a moment she has a vision of just what exactly he’d _like_ to do. She can feel her skin heat at the images. But still he hesitates.

“Ben?”

“Hmmm?”

“You can touch me.”

“Right. I…right…” He clears his throat again and his hand comes back up to her stomach. It’s almost a safe place at the moment. She reaches down and covers his hand with hers, pushing it a little lower.

“You can touch me,” she repeats.

And he does. Or at least, he brushes his hand through the curls at the apex of her thighs, running his fingers lightly through them. She separates her legs a bit as one of his fingers dips a little lower, _almost_ touching her there and yet not quite reaching where she finds she really does want him to go.

“Can you show me what you like?” he finally manages to get out. “It’s just…I don’t know. I’ve never…”

“Me neither, but this at least I _do_ know.” She feels strangely open with him, as if discussing her self-explorations with him is a normal, everyday thing. And so she spreads her legs a little further and takes one of his fingers and presses it to her.

His finger sinks in to the first knuckle and he groans. “So wet,” he murmurs.

“For you,” she responds with. “Only for you.”

His finger presses in a little further. It’s thicker than her own, and when he pulls it out and presses it back in, her hips buck against the digit. He does that a few more times, her hips moving in time to the thrusts of his finger.

When she reaches down and grasps a second finger, he gets the point, pressing two inside her. It’s the fullest she’s ever felt down there, if she’s going to be honest. Her single finger, even the two slender ones she’s pressed inside herself before haven’t left her feeling like this. She wonders, for just a moment, what his cock might feel like pressed inside her, and is rewarded with a groan.

“Stop reading my mind,” she chastises, no sting behind the words.

“You project loudly,” he mutters. And she’s thrown back for a moment to their early bond explorations, before they even knew what it was. They’ve come a long way. Certainly far further than she ever could have imagined.

He continues his ministrations for a bit, nuzzling at one breast, drawing the nipple into his mouth and sucking at it, nipping lightly at her. It’s lovely. But it’s not _enough_.

“Here,” she finally says, pulling at his thumb and pressing it to her clit. The pad of his thumb, rough from all the work he’s been doing, sends a jolt through her. She moves it in circles around her clit, not quite touching it, but putting enough pressure around it to stimulate the bundle of nerves.

When she takes her hand away, he continues with what she’d started him on, thumb moving in circles, while the fingers inside her still. They curl just slightly and _oh_ , that is not a feeling she expected. He brushes _something_ inside her.

“Yes,” she murmurs. “Right there.” He crooks his fingers again, brushing against some part of her she didn’t even know was there. Her whole body tightens at the sensation.

Her legs tremble.

The muscles of her stomach go taut.

“Oh, kriff.”

His fingers hesitate for a moment, slowing, and she opens her eyes to see him watching her with a concerned look on his face. “Are you…”

She reaches out and grasps his wrist for just a moment, releasing it as she groans. “Keep going.”

He smiles and she groans again, realizing that his smile is perhaps more arousing than anything else. It’s a rare site, that big grin of his. He’s usually full of sarcastic smirks and sneers. But this genuine smile is something only _she_ gets to see. And she finds that she treasures each and every one of them.

He listens to her, another thing she loves about him, moving his fingers inside her faster, his thumb pressing down with just a bit more pressure.

Her mind goes fuzzy then. She can’t get another word out, every sound coming out nearly incoherent. Her body starts to move almost of its own accord, thrusting into his hand, moving in time with his fingers.

He’s murmuring something into her neck, words that sound like _yes_ and _this is amazing_ and _you’re beautiful_.

Her whole body suddenly goes taut, like a bowstring being drawn back, and then her orgasm washes over her. Ben leans over and kisses her, swallowing her moans, hand still working at her, ringing every last bit of sensation out of her body.

When she comes down from it, he’s still pressing his fingers into her, still has his thumb on her clit. She has to reach down and stop him, putting her hand gently over his wrist, and hoping it communicates to him. It’s too much, too intense. Her body is shaking with tremors she can’t remember experiencing from an orgasm before. She’d taken care of those needs on her own for some years, ever since she first discovered the workings of her own body.

But this? This is different, otherworldly in a way. She’s still shaking as she lets out a soft laugh.

“That was…” Ben starts to say, but then stops and shakes his head.

“Perfect,” she finishes for him.

He kisses her again and then pulls back. One of his hands comes up to brush the hair back from her sweaty forehead. “It was?”

She puts her hand over his and kisses him softly. “Yes,” she whispers against his lips, and then slumps back down onto the bed. Ben follows, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her in close.

He nuzzles at her neck, startlingly reminiscent of the time she’d first appeared in his bed. _Everything feels calmer when you’re here_. She wonders if it still does, if her mere presence calms his turbulent mind, focuses his thoughts.

“Yes,” he murmurs into her hair.

“You have to…”

“Stop doing that?” She can feel the smirk on his full lips against head. “I don’t know if I can.”

She’s not sure what to say to that. She supposes there’s a truth there. He’s in her head. She’s in his. Sometimes she’s not quite sure where she ends and he begins, not sure which thoughts are her own. Stray thoughts that float through her mind could be hers, could be his. She’s not even sure if it matters anymore.

“They’re not, you know. Not normally.” His hand brushes down the side of her face, touching her cheek, the tip of her nose, tracing the line of her jaw. “I’m not always there. I try not to be.  Your thoughts, they’re your own. I wouldn’t do that.”

“No?”

“No,” he says most emphatically. “I want you to be _you_. It’s your light, Rey. Don’t you realize? Your light draws me in, a sort of gravitational pull. I’m a planet orbiting your sun. You are _everything_.”

She shivers at the implications there. There are words they have not spoken, words she’s not sure she’s ready to hear. Maybe she never will be ready. All of this feels right and yet at the same time she feels like she’s walking through the sinking sands. One wrong move and she’ll fall through, be swallowed up by all that is Ben Solo and Kylo Ren.

“I’m not,” she whispers. “I can’t be.”

He pulls her tighter against him but says nothing more. His lips are at the nape of her neck, his breath tickling the hairs there. She shifts a little, trying to find a comfortable position and brushes against him again. He’s still hard, she realizes.

Of course he is.

It’s not like he got his pleasure in what they did.

“Ben?”

“No,” he says quickly.

She twists so she’s facing him, and her hand hovers over him for a moment before coming to rest on his hip. “But you…”

“No,” he repeats.

She shakes her head, blinks a couple times, and then finally meets his eyes. “I don’t understand.”

“I am…” He clears his throat then. “I am content with what we’ve done.”

“Oh kriff,” she mutters. “You don’t want to.”

“I want to.”

“But?” She feels hot all over, embarrassed at how wanton she’d acted. She’s never been like that with anyone, never spread her legs, let someone touch her, press their fingers inside her. She’s never come like that before, only letting go in the dark of night when she’s hidden away, _alone_.

“I just…Kriff, Rey, I don’t know. I loved what we did. I want to do more of that. I _do_ ,” he says, and she realizes there’s a furrow between her brows. She doesn’t know how much he can see in the dark of his quarters, but she knows he can feel it. “Please don’t be embarrassed,” he murmurs. “It’s just...we’ve gone so far. And with Snoke…”

And there it is.

The bantha in the room.

_Snoke_.

Ben completely believes that if they get too close, he’ll be able to follow the line of their bond from him to her.  There’s a danger there that Ben is absolutely terrified of.

“We’ve gone too far,” she surmises.

“We may have. I feel… _more_.”

“More,” she repeats.

“Rey, I…” He cuts off then and wraps his arms around her, and she buries her head against his shoulder. “I can’t.”

One of her hands comes up to caress his soft locks, running her fingers through the strands, a soothing gesture that Ben leans his head into. “I understand.”

He takes a deep breath, nods. “I’m glad.”

They stay like that for some time, wrapped around each other, her hand buried in his hair, his holding her close. But she finally realizes it must be late, or early she supposes. She doesn’t know what time she made her way down to Ben’s room, but she feels like it’s been hours since she did so.

“I should go,” she whispers.

He pulls her tighter to him.

“Ben.” There’s a warning note in her voice.

“Stay.”

“I can’t.”

“Stay,” he repeats.

“ _Ben_.” She tries to put ire into his name, but it’s just not there. She does, however, manage to disentangle from him a bit, pulling back to look up at his pale face. “I need to go back.”

“Do you want to hide this?”

She sighs at that question. She’s not sure. She doesn’t want to, not exactly, but it’s also not the time, not the place, for this kind of romantic entanglement. “No,” she finally says. “But I think we must.” He waits for her to go on and she tries to find the right words. “It’s safer that way.”

He says nothing, but the way he leans down, presses his forehead to hers, tells her all she needs to know in that moment. She slips out of his grasp then, pushing off the bed. Her knees go out from her and she sinks to the ground.

Ben rolls over in the bed and she can feel him watching her. “I did that.” And there’s pride in the tone of his voice.

She laughs and gets back to her feet, quickly finding her nightgown and undergarments. She’s dressed in a matter of moment, stepping back to the bed to look down at Ben. He reaches up, takes her hand in his.

She squeezes his hand.

He squeezes back.

And then she’s gone, slipping out the door.


	32. Chapter 32

Rey’s waiting with Rose when they return from battle. It’s not the first attack run Poe and his team had made. It won’t be the last. But it’s the first they’ve made with the Chandrillans at their side, the first truly coordinated plan. Get in, get out.

They were successful. This time at least.

It had taken everything in Leia to rein Poe in. He’d wanted to go further, harder, take out more. The risks he was willing to take were not ones that the general was quite ready for. _You’ll lose the whole team, Poe. This is madness_.

And so he had turned from his ultimate goal of taking out one of the First Order’s dreadnaught’s with loud complaint.

Poe is the first to pull himself out of X-Wing. He does so with a shout of exultation. “We did it!” He pumps his fist in the air and then swings down from the X-Wing to race over to Leia. They’re gone in an instant, no doubt off to discuss their next moves.

Finn is next, and he’s rushing to her and Rose as soon as his feet hit the ground. He pulls Rose into his arms and swings her around. “You’re excited,” Rose says when her feet hit the ground again. And there’s one of the things Rey finds she loves about Rose, the way she uses sarcasm to keep things light and her deadpan delivery of it.

“Of course I am” Finn says, his brow wrinkling up a bit. And then he shakes his head, eyes clearing. “Come with me, Rose. We need to fill the general in on what happened.”

“You go on ahead,” Rose says, with a little push at Finn’s shoulder. She glances over at the X-Wings that are sitting in the hangar, now devoid of their pilots. Poe’s is still in good shape. Finn’s has just a few scorch marks. But another one has a wing that’s dangling, and she can see various burns on the others. They’re here. They’re _alive_. But the fleet is limping along.

Rey isn’t sure how much more abuse these X-Wings can take.

The team goes out in them.

Rey and Rose and the others repair them.

And then it happens all over again.

She’s not quite sure how she’s become their mechanic over the past couple weeks. She’s taken to training with Luke in the morning and working alongside Rose in the afternoon. They make a good team, she and Rose.

She supposes she and Luke do too, to some degree at least. She’s too volatile for the staid Jedi knight who ascribes to the old ideals. Peace, minimal connections with others, calm meditation and balancing oneself. Rey doesn’t want that. She wants to _fight_.

She’s tried to find Ben, but it seems he doesn’t want to be found. After their night of explorations, of intimacy, he’s all but disappeared. She sees him in passing on occasion, but he doesn’t come to the mess hall for meals. He doesn’t come to her training session with Luke.

And he doesn’t come to her.

She can sometimes feel his nightmares just at the edge of her consciousness. They wake her in the middle of the night, but Ben seems to have found some way to dull the connection. He’s keeping her out of his mind, occluding his thoughts and pushing her away. She doesn’t hear his voice in her head, doesn’t hear his commentary on her thoughts. She almost misses shouting _Stay out of my mind!_ at him.

Almost.

“Alright,” Finn finally says, leaning forward and giving Rose a quick kiss. “We’ll catch up later?”

“You bet.” Rose pushes at him, and with a shrug and a glance at Rey, Finn is off to the debriefing.

Everyone else quits the room then. She’s almost certain she sees Ben among the masses, slipping out of one of the side exits to the room. She takes a step to follow when she feels a hand on her arm. Turning back, her eyes meet Rose’s and the other woman just shakes her head. Once. Slowly.

Rey lets her shoulders fall.

“So clean-up duty?” Rey asks, trying very hard to make her voice sound upbeat. She can lie to Rose. And to Finn. But it’s getting harder to lie to herself. She feels tired and useless, training for something that never seems to come.

“Clean-up duty,” Rose echoes with a smirk.

* * *

Rey is elbow deep in rewiring the power generator on one of the X-Wings that took a huge hit, when Rose tosses down her wrench and walks over to her.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Rose asks as she comes to sit next to her.

She’s not once for mincing words. She never has been. And there’s one thing that Rey has come to realize about Rose: she’s perceptive. Almost uncannily so.

“Are you sure you don’t have the Force?” Rey asks with a soft smile.

Rose stares at her for a moment before finally shrugging. “Not that I know of. I suppose you’d know better than I do.”

Rey shrugs. “I still don’t feel like _I_ even understand it.”

“You’ve been working with Luke?”

She nods.

“Just Luke?” Rose asks, leaning a little closer to her.

Rey sighs and looks down at her hands for a moment, rubbing them rather self-consciously on her pants. “Just Luke.”

“What’s going on there?”

“With Luke? Just…you know…Jedi things. A lot of meditation, and thinking…” No combat. No explorations of her bond with Ben. It’s almost like none of that stuff exists anymore. Luke is certainly tight-lipped about it all. Everything is out in the open now. She knows. His parents know. She wonders if anyone else on the base knows. Watching Rose in that moment, she’s sure that no one has told her. It should be a private family affair, after all. Or it would be, if it weren’t for who and _what_ he became because of that fateful night.

“No Kylo?” Rose asks. The words sound innocent, almost as if Rose doesn’t recall their conversation back on Crait, when she told her what had happened between them.

“Ben,” Rey corrects her. “He prefers Ben now.”

“Does he?”

“I think…” He likes when she calls him that. She knows that much. She can feel the thrill of it through the bond.

“Kylo Ren was left behind with the First Order. He came here, with his father, with me. He’s part of the Resistance now. I…”

Rose puts a hand on her arm. “I know. You don’t need to defend him to me.”

Rey slumps a little at that. She really doesn’t expect anyone to defend him, to feel that he’s part of the group. He’s been so much an _other_ to most of them that she finds few, if any, will even allow him to join them at meals. She’s watched him walk into the mess hall, take his food, and leave without so much as glancing at anyone besides those serving stuff onto his plate.

“I’m glad,” Rey says at last. “He needs people on his side.”

Rose nods. “I think he’s getting some. Even Finn seems to…” She cuts off there and there’s a slight color rising on her cheeks.

“Finn seems to what?”

Rose shrugs.

“Rose?”

“What’s going on between you two anyway?” Rose asks instead of answering her question.

“Me and Finn?”

Rose laughs. “I know there’s nothing going on _there_. I mean, you and Ben. You were together all the time and then you weren’t. What happened?”

She sounds honestly curious. And that’s one thing Rey really likes about Rose, one of the reasons she finds she wants to spend time with the other woman. It’s not just that she’s a brilliant mechanic and technician, far surpassing even Rey’s understanding of tech, but she’s also a genuinely decent person. She may be the most decent person she knows. Rose hides nothing, _can’t_ hide anything really. She’s an open book, sometimes chatting about the tech they’re working on, sometimes about Finn. She knows they’ve been growing increasingly close, and she’s happy for them. She really is.

“I don’t know,” she finally manages to say.

He’s avoiding her.

It’s the only explanation. He’s terrified. She knows he is. Terrified of Snoke and his powers, terrified of her and what they’ve done. It’s all muddled together somehow. Fear, Luke tells her, leads to the dark side. And she wants to scream at that. Then _stop_ the fear. Work with the person, make them less afraid.

But he just shakes his head and tells her to meditate more, that he senses fear just on the edges of her mind. She can see the worry in his eyes.

“Did something happen?”

“What _didn’t_ happen?” Rey mutters, and then wishes she could take it back.

Rose’s eyes get bright and there’s this gleeful light about her. “Oh kriff Rey, did you sleep with him?”

She feels her cheeks heat. “No,” she says quickly, not quite able to meet Rose’s eyes.

“You _did_!” Rose crows.

Rey makes a shushing motion with her hands. “Keep your voice down.”

“Was it good?”

“ _Rose_.” Her friend’s name comes out with exasperation, but no real bite behind it. She knows Rose isn’t a gossip. Oh, she likes to know everything, likes to be in the thick of it and give advice when warranted. But she’s not one to spill everyone’s secrets. “I did not sleep with him.”

“Then why is your face bright red?” Rose crosses her arms over her chest.

Rey brings a hand up to one warm cheek. “I…okay, look, we did some stuff.”

“Some stuff?”

“We didn’t sleep together.  But it went further than kissing.”

Rose nods sagely. “Like Finn and I.”

“I did _not_ need to know that.”

Rose shrugs. “Why not?”

“He’s like a brother to me. It’s weird.”

“Well, it’s probably weird that you’re fooling around with Kylo Ren,” Rose points out.

And Rey laughs. It’s not like it’s even particularly funny, though perhaps it might appear that way to someone outside the relationship. She, the light of the Resistance, Luke’s protégé as it were, fooling around with the former apprentice to the darkest Force user they all know. “Alright, it’s probably a little weird. It’s just…he’s changing, Rose. It’s like he’s not even the same person he was when I first met him. I can’t even think of him as Kylo Ren anymore.”

“I know,” Rose says.

“You…”

“He’s been helping us,” she admits and now it’s her turn to look a little embarrassed.

“Helping… _who_ , exactly?”

“Poe, Finn, Leia. He’s there at all the meetings. He’s so helpful, Rey. You wouldn’t believe it.” She cuts off then, watching Rey with her head slightly cocked to the side. “Or maybe you would. He says he still has some sort of _in_ with the First Order, some sort of glimpse into their plans. And he’s been _right_.”

“Of course he has.” Snoke. It has to be Snoke. He’s been ripping his way into Ben’s head for his entire life and she wonders, not for the first time, if it’s a two-way street. If he allows Snoke into his head, can he get into his like she did into Ben’s? Can he see some bits of their plans? Some bits of where they are and what they’re doing?

“You know,” Rose says, and it’s not a question.

“I know how he’s doing it. I don’t like it.” The more he opens himself up to Snoke, the better the chances are that he’ll rip through and pull his former apprentice back to his side. It’s one of her greatest fears, the one that Luke sometimes senses but has the good graces not to speak of. She’s not sure if he knows how close they are, if he has any idea just how far things have gone. But if he does, he’s not been poking at it, not been trying to steer her clear of his nephew.

Rose nod and there’s a grim set to her mouth. “I had a feeling it was something bad. He always looks white as a ghost when he comes to us with new information. I mean, well, whiter than normal. I’m not sure he’s ever seen the sun.”

Rey smirks a little at that. Finn is so dark, Rose and Poe both tan, especially after spending time in the Chandrillan sun. Rey is still sun-kissed, preferring to do her training with Luke out by the beach where she can soak in the sun’s rays. But Ben? He’s so fair-skinned that she’s certain he’d burn if he set foot outside for any period of time.

“Sorry,” Rose says after a moment. “I shouldn’t make light of these things.”

“We all have our coping mechanisms,” Rey points out.

“Yeah? What’s yours?”

“Fighting with Ben?” Rey offers a small smile. “No. Luke would like it to be meditation. But the truth is I’ve taken my lightsaber to a fair number of small trees when I need to let some steam go. Luke would hate it. He’s all about calmness, and the Jedi way of being sedate and emotionless…”

“But that’s not you,” Rose interrupts with.

“No. There’s too much…” She doesn’t know how to define it, so brings her hand up to her heart and hits there a couple times.

“Pain? Anger? Finn says you were abandoned on Jakku?”

“I was five years old,” Rey supplies. “Five years old and terrified. Sold into a sort of junkyard slavery. Unkar Plutt did _not_ treat us well, but he was all we had. All _I_ had for so many years of my life. There’s still rage.” She looks Rose in the eye then and takes a deep breath. “How can I be a Jedi if I have so much rage?”

Rose nods. “Maybe you’re not supposed to be. Maybe you’re supposed to be something else. Kylo…Ben…he’s not a Sith, right?” Rey shakes her head. “And he’s not a Jedi, either. But no one can deny how powerful he is with the Force. Maybe you’re like him.”

Rey says nothing for a moment, thinks back to her sparring with Ben, thinks of the intimacy and the way their minds connect so easily. The shared nightmares, the shared dreams.  “Yeah,” she finally says, “maybe that’s exactly who I’m like.”

* * *

Ben looks around the room as he enters. Rose waves to him. Poe nods, as does Finn. It’s not exactly _acceptance_ , but he’ll take what he gets. They know he’s on their side at least. They know that he’s not betrayed them.

They don’t know, _can’t_ know, how much he’s put himself on the line to push the Resistance further toward success. He leaves their base of operations often, walking in the woods, letting Snoke in. Not much, just a little. A tease, really.

But there are times when he can feel him pushing through his defenses, catching him off guard with the power of his hate, his rage. Times when he’s cajoling, when he almost convinces him that everything he’s done so far is wrong. That he should come back to the fold, to him, to the only person that could ever love him.

But then he thinks of Rey and her light, thinks of the way she makes him feel. He remembers her falling apart in his arms, the sound of her moans, that little mewling noise she made when he seemed to find just the right spot. And Snoke is forced out with a howl of incoherent fury.

This particular meeting is one that’s rife with worry. They’ve had some successes, but the First Order seems to be closing ranks, seem to be onto them. Their last attack had been anticipated and while they had not lost many, they had been forced into retreating and disappearing into hyperspace for parts unknown. They’d regrouped on Chandrila, but there was a definite feeling of defeat about it all.

But Ben has new information, hard won and painful to acquire. He’d let Snoke get too close that time, had let him nearly bend him back to his direction. He’d let him sift through some of his thoughts, his memories, keeping a careful hold on the ones with Rey, keeping the bond with her shut tight. And so he’d come away with information, important information to be sure, but he’d also come away with a small bit of his soul in tatters. After so long of building himself up, of trying so hard to be the person they all wanted him to be, the person he knew he could be, it cut deeper than he thought it would.

There were memories there, memories he’d rather not take out and examine. Of times at the Jedi academy, of times when he was just a child and this _voice_ was there undercutting his family’s love for him, convincing him that they saw him as nothing, just the means to an end.

“You’re letting him in,” Luke says to him after the meeting. Ben feels completely run down. He’s not sleeping well, living somewhere between his nightmares and his love for Rey. He’s pushed her out completely, slammed his defenses down. Snoke can’t get to her. Snoke _won’t_ get to her. He won’t allow it.

“Yes,” Ben responds with, the word a flat acknowledgement of a truth he doesn’t need to hide. Not from Luke.

“Why?”

“It’s the only way.” Ben steps closer to him. “He’s our in. Don’t you see that? Every time he gets into my head, I can see what he sees, feel what he feels. The supply lines we’re about to cut off? The ship building facility on Zakuul? We wouldn’t know about them if…”

“You’re saying Snoke doesn’t know.”

“I’m saying Snoke is so blinded by his need to reclaim me that he’s doesn’t realize what he’s accidentally leaking. He thinks he’s infallible.”

“And you put a kink in that,” Luke surmises. “When you went against him and came home.”

“Yes,” Ben hisses. “The only kink in his otherwise perfect plans. He wants me back. And he’s so focused on that desire that he isn’t aware of just how much he reveals.”

Luke says nothing for a moment, hands steepled together, as he studies his nephew. “Are you absolutely sure of that?” Ben opens his mouth to answer, but Luke puts up a hand. “Because if you’re not one hundred percent sure, then you’re putting us all in danger.”

“Uncle…” There’s a warning note to his voice.

“And worse, you’re putting _Rey_ in danger,” Luke adds. “Just think about it, Ben. Think about if it’s worth it.” And then he’s gone, leaving the room and catching up to his sister, who is waiting for him. Ben watches as they exchange a glance. Nothing needs to be said between the twins, and he wonders how much of a bond they have. Luke had told him once that the Force bonds are usually between siblings, parent and child, and especially so for twins. He can see it there, as they give each other a long look and turn as one.

As soon as they’re out of the room, he turns and punches the wall. The crack of his knuckles against the durasteel is loud in the room, sharp. The few who remain turn to look at him and after a moment spent glaring at them, he quits the room as well.

_Ben_ …

He can feel Rey there, pressing against his mind. She’s getting quite good at it, almost too good. He knows, from talking to Rose, and from hearing her and Finn whispering to each other, that she’s training with Luke. And her hold on the Force is only getting stronger.

_I can’t_ , he throws at her and for a moment he feels a little bit of elation coming across the bond. And then he slams it shut again. It hurts more and more each time he does it.

_It’s for her own protection._ Maybe if he keeps repeating that enough he’ll begin to really believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of Ben/Rey interaction...more coming soon I promise!


	33. Chapter 33

It doesn’t take Rey long to realize that she’s being kept out of everything. She hears of meetings that she is not invited to. She hears of attacks second-hand. Only when they’ve gone on a mission does she realize that she was not a part of it, that she knows nothing of it. Rose always stays behind. _I’m a mechanic, not a fighter_ , she tells Rey, though Rey’s seen her fight before. She knows that while her strengths might lie in technology, she’s a scrappy fighter when push comes to shove.

Rey is training with Luke one afternoon, but she can’t get the meditation to come. She’s riled up, angry, worried. They’re gone again. This time she’s heard Ben has gone with them, flying off in Poe’s squadron of X-Wings. He doesn’t even come to her to tell her.

_He’ll come back_.

_He has to_.

She’s not sure what she’ll do if the bond between them is broken, if he’s gone. She doesn’t want to know.

“You’re distracted,” Luke says.

Rey blinks and opens her eyes. Luke is watching her, not unkindly at least. There’s a sort of wistful sadness in the lines at the corner of his eyes, at the set of his mouth.

“I’m sorry,” Rey says quickly. “I’ll do better.”

“He’ll be fine.”

“He…”

Luke nods. “My errant nephew. Yes, I’ve heard he’s flown off with Poe’s squadron. Apparently he’s more like his father than he might think.” He smiles at the last, and Rey wonders where this sudden affection for his nephew comes from. All she’s seen from him is exasperation and, maybe not anger, but something sitting awfully close to it.

“He’s a good pilot,” Rey says.

“He is. He learned from the best after all.”

“I’m pretty sure Poe thinks _he_ is the best.” Rey can’t help the bit of amusement that creeps into her voice on that one. Poe is nothing if not completely confident in his own abilities, something that people either seem to love or hate.

“Don’t tell Poe this, but I’m fairly certain Ben could out-fly him.”

Rey’s eyes widen at that. “You should have seen how he maneuvered the Falcon to avoid their hyperspace tracking.”

Luke watches her without saying anything for a moment. Then – “He’s been piloting that thing since he was a kid. His mother used to hate it, but his father would take him up when he was barely out of diapers and teach him how to handle her. How _did_ he manage that anyway?”

“Twenty-six jumps through hyperspace. And he changed hyperspace lanes and directions mid-jump.” She says the last with a strange sort of pride. _She_ did nothing but hang onto her seat and panic. But he’s her…whatever he is…her bond-mate she supposes. Her almost-lover. And what he did was a feat of piloting she knew few could even dream of, much less execute with the precision he did.

Luke shakes his head. “Definitely his father’s kid.”

“That’s a good thing, I think.”

“It is. He has his mother’s stubbornness, which has come back to bite him in the behind more than once. But his father’s piloting skills have gotten him out of some tough situations.”

They fall silent and Luke looks like he’s contemplating falling back into meditation, his eyes starting to drift shut a little.

“Can I ask you something?” Rey says, and his eyes open back up and focus on her immediately.

Luke inclines his head.

“Why aren’t we training me for combat?”

“There’s more to the Force than playing with lightsabers,” Luke responds.

“I know that,” she shoots back with. “But we’re facing down the First Order and I sit _here_ , meditating on whatever the Force means to you, or to me. Or whatever. But there’s more to it than that. I _need_ more than that.” She’s not even really sure what she’s pleading for. She wants to protect Ben, not that he needs protecting. She wants to _help_. She feels groundless here, as if she’s just along for the ride and not a part of it all.

Luke sighs. “I knew it would come to this eventually.”

“And so…”

He stands then, stretching and balancing himself on the balls of his bare feet. “Tomorrow we begin your combat training. 0700 hours.”

He bows slightly and leaves then. And Rey untangles herself from the meditation position she’s been sitting in for far too kriffing long. It’s something at least. A chance to prove herself, not only to Luke, but to Ben and herself.

* * *

She hears about the return from Rose, who comes to fetch her. Repair work. _Again_. Everyone returned this time and the mission was a success. She’s headed to the hangar with Rose when she overhears a couple of the pilots talking.

“It was because of him,” the larger of the two men says to his companion.

“Kylo Ren?” He shudders at the name, and Rey almost approaches them. Rose’s hand on her arm and a quick shake of her head stops her.

“I hear he’s going by Ben these days. Leia’s son, you know.”

“So I’ve heard. I just can’t understand how…”

“It doesn’t matter. He saved our asses. _All_ of our asses. We ought to be singing his praises. I never thought he’d come through, and I thought the mission was doomed when Poe said he was joining us.”

“Yeah,” the other man says. “I was sure we were about to be betrayed.”

Rey still wants to go over and fight them. _Ben wouldn’t betray us. Not now._

The two move on and Rey breathes a sigh of relief. She glances over at Rose and the other woman just nods. “Their opinion is changing.”

“ _He_ is changing,” Rey says. Simple words, for such a long and complicated process.

Rose nods and sets off for the hangar again. Rey doesn’t immediately follow, and so Rose turns back to her, a curious look on her face. And then she gives Rey a slight push. “I can handle repairs myself.”

“What? No…”

“Go find him,” Rose says with a soft smile.

Rey hesitates for a moment and then suddenly reaches over and gives her friend a hug. It’s completely not characteristic of her. Rose is the one who touches people, hugs them, grips their hand, offers them moral support and a shoulder to cry on. Rey is not used to people, though she’s getting at least a _little_ more comfortable having so many people around her.

But still, hugging is not something she does.

It’s quick and over before Rose can even say something “Thank you, my friend,” Rey says and races off. She _needs_ to see Ben.

* * *

He’s just stepping out of the fresher when he hears the knock at his door. His father, perhaps. Or his mother. He’s pretty sure it won’t be Luke, for all they’ve attempted a reconciliation. His uncle is irascible at best, and while he admits that there is some fault on his side, that he should have talked to Ben, worked with him, instead of pushing him to Snoke, he still doesn’t want to take all, or even _most_ of the blame.

He almost ignores it, but the knock comes again.

He pulls the towel tighter around his waist and goes to open the door. Whoever it is can wait for him to get dressed before they hit him with whatever they need to talk to him about.

Which is why he’s completely flabbergasted to find Rey on the other side. He should have known, _would_ have known if he hadn’t clamped down so hard on their bond, if he hadn’t been fighting to keep her out.

_Let Snoke in, keep Rey out_. It’s all so backward.

Her name tumbles from his lips, half prayer, half curse.

“Ben,” she says, and she’s not doing anything but staring at him. He watches as her eyes trail down his chest to further below, and he turns away suddenly. Her intense scrutiny is making him half hard already, and it’s not easy to hide that behind a towel.

“What are you doing here?” he throws over his shoulder, heading back into his quarters to find something to change into. She follows, of course she does, and the door shuts almost silently behind her. And he can’t stop thinking about her soft sighs, the feel of her wet heat around his finger, the sounds she made as she fell apart. “Kriff,’’ he mutters as he feels his cock come even more to life.

“I…are you going to get dressed?”

“I wasn’t planning on company,” he tosses back.

“Yes, but still…maybe just a cowl or something?”

“I have a towel on.”

“A _cowl_ , Ben, not a towel. I know you have…oh _kriff_ , will you just put some clothes on?”

And he laughs. How can he not? She sounds so beautifully flustered, as if they haven’t been intimate at all, as if he hasn’t had his hands and mouth in places that no one else ever had. “Modesty, Rey? I never would have expected that.”

She makes a small _hmph_ and crosses her arms. “I can’t talk to your chest.”

He laughs again and grabs a pile of clothes out of one of his drawers, disappearing into the bathroom to quickly toss them on and smooth back his unruly hair. When he steps back out, Rey seems a bit more composed.

And she gets right to the point. It’s one of the things he loves about her. And one of the things he hates, if he’s going to be honest with himself. She’s not one for mincing words and so he stands, still half damp from the shower, as she narrows her eyes on him.

* * *

It takes her a moment to compose herself. Ben in a towel slung low over his hips, practically bare to her is _not_ something she’s going to get out of her head easily. She still can’t believe he came to the door in such a state. What if it had been his father, his _mother_ …and then she realizes, he expected them. And he was trying to throw them off.

With a shake of her head, she pulls herself back on track. “Why are you avoiding me?” she asks, arms crossed over her chest.

Ben flinches. “I’m not…”

She takes a step toward him, her eyes hard, brows drawn low. “You _are_. I can feel you, can sense that you’re out there, that you’re alive. But I can’t communicate with you and I can’t sense any of your emotions.” He starts to say something, starts to interrupt, but she holds up a hand. “No. Don’t. You’ve cut yourself off. _Why_?” She hates that there are tears in the corners of her eyes, hates that her emotions are all just on the edge.

But they had something.

And then they didn’t.

Ben doesn’t take his eyes off her as he takes another step toward her. Then another. His hand reaches up and gently brushes away the one tear that had slipped down her cheek. “I am,” he admits. He cups her chin and leans forward, presses a soft, chaste kiss to her lips. “I have to.”

“You don’t.”

He shakes his head, and his lips form into a sad smile. “It’s for your own safety.”

She pushes away from him, feels the ire creep up her spine. “Don’t you think that should be my choice to make?”

He says nothing, though he looks like’s going to voice _some_ thought. Then he shakes his head again. “I know you’re independent.”

She makes a scoffing noise. “That’s not what this is about…”

“No? Rey, I’m trying to _protect_ you.” He runs one hand through his hair. “Snoke…he’s…” He shudders at his name. “He’s _close_.” The last is whispered as he leans toward her.

She watches him for a moment. “You’re letting him in.” He doesn’t deny it, won’t quite meet her eyes. “Oh, Force, you are. I didn’t think it possible. But Rose said you’ve been helping them…”

“I have.” There’s a sense of pride behind the words.

“And you’re helping them by letting him get into your head. Why? To get information?”

“It’s the only way.” His hand makes a slashing motion in the air in front of her and Rey jumps back a pace. “Don’t you see? If we can’t find out some information, they’re going to win. They’re going to take me back and worse…” He takes a deep breath, reaches out and grips her shoulders. “They’re going to take _you_.”

He’s breathing hard as he leans down and presses his forehead to hers.

“Ben,” Rey starts to say.

“Rey,” he cuts her off with, “You have to understand. He’s so close…he’s right there anyway. He’s ripped into my mind more than once since we’ve been here, slipped past my defenses and it took everything… _everything_ …to get him back out.”

“We’re going to lose you,” she whispers, one hand coming up to touch the side of his face.

“You’re not. I’m not going to go back.”

“You won’t have a choice.”

“There’s always a choice,” he murmurs, and leans down to kiss her again. She loses herself in him for a moment, her arms wrapping around his neck, hands tangled in his hair. It’s strange, really, how easily she can get lost in the feel of him as they come together. How did that happen?

She doesn’t know.

And she’s not even sure she wants to examine it.

When they pull apart, Ben is looking down at her with an intensity that makes her shiver a little.

“You have to stop,” Rey whispers.

“I can’t.”

“Ben…”

“I’m all they have,” he starts to say, but Rey cuts him off.

“We have to take him out.” The words come out in a rush of breath.

“Who?” Ben asks, but then a moment later his eyes darken, eyebrows pulling low. “No.”

“We have to. It’s the only way. If we can stop Snoke, we can stop the First Order.”

“There’s no stopping him,” Ben says and there’s a dark bitterness to his voice, all edges of broken glass. “I don’t even know what he is, Rey, but there’s no defeating him. He’s too strong.”

Rey pushes away from him, stepping back and watching as Ben’s hands open and close on the air where she once stood. “Then what is the point of all this? “She throws her hands out. “Please make me understand. You come back with us, you help us, you…you…”

“Do all of this with you?” he says quietly.

She takes a deep breath. _All of this_. “What _is_ this, Ben?” She’s not sure she wants to define it, not sure she wants to really examine whatever this is that’s happening to them. They’re bonded, perhaps even for life, and that takes her breath away. That _terrifies_ her in ways she’s never been terrified before. She’s been scared for her life, scared of never finding her parents, scared of never finding her place in the world.

But this?

This is something different. The emotions are right there, just below the surface, and sometimes she wants to tuck them so far away that she’ll never find them again.

_It was easier when you were just a lonely scavenger on Jakku_.

Easier, yes, but was it better? That she still doesn’t have an answer for.

Ben is watching her and there’s a strange light in his eyes. “I don’t know,” he finally says. And she knows he’s lying. She knows it with the certainty that the sun will rise or that the sinking fields will claim the unwary traveler. It’s not only in the way his eyes won’t quite meet hers, but a feeling that threads its way across the bond.

“You do,” she says.

Ben’s eyes snap to hers and his mouth parts a little. “I…”

“No, I know it. What _is_ this?” She steps closer to him and reaches out to take his hands in hers. He starts to pull back, but she won’t let him, holding his hands tighter as she pulls him half a step closer. “Ben…”

“This,” he starts to say, but then squeezes her hands a little harder. “This is something I never wanted. No,” he cuts her off before she can speak up. “I don’t know why I came home. I needed to escape Snoke. I needed to escape the First Order. They just murdered _billions_ , Rey.” His hands on hers convulse at the word and she realizes that he felt every single one of those deaths. “Do you know what it was like watching it as it happened and knowing I couldn’t do _anything_? Couldn’t stop it, couldn’t tell Snoke it was wrong, couldn’t choke the life out of Hux.”

“Hux?”

“He reveled in it, as you could probably imagine. Rousing speeches, and sheer _glee_. He wasn’t the one who ordered it, but he brought it to Snoke for his approval.” He takes a deep breath there. “He brought it again…just after you escaped from me.” She watches him wince at the reminder of just how they’d met. It seems so long ago, Rey realizes, another lifetime. She isn’t the same person who Kylo Ren once captured. _He_ isn’t the same person who took her captive.

“He was going to use it again,” Rey says.

Ben nods. “That’s why it was activating when my father came to find me. They were going to destroy D’Qar.”

“Your parents.”

“And everyone else.”

She curses quietly.

“I came home to be something else, someone else.” And then he looks at her, really looks at her. The hands that are linked to hers tighten a little, and she finds herself pulled another step toward him. “I came home because of _you_.”

“Me? You didn’t even know me…”

“No?” He arches one eyebrow. “I don’t think I needed to.” He releases one hand to bring his fist to his chest. “I _felt_ you. I think that was enough.”

It’s a revelation of sorts and it takes Rey a few moments to catch her breath. They’re one step away from admitting things she’s not sure she’s ready to admit. Ben doesn’t seem to be either, and she supposes that’s good.

They’re in the middle of a war. It’s no time for… _stop, don’t think on it_.

“Where do we go from here?” she finally asks.

“ _We_ don’t go anywhere.”

“ _Ben_.”

He shakes his head, releasing her other hand and stepping back. “You can’t. Don’t you understand? He’ll get into your head. He’ll kill you, Rey. Just as he’d take out my uncle if he was given the chance. Me? He’ll keep me. Torture me, twist me back up. But he won’t let you live. He can’t. You’re too dangerous to him.”

“I’m not…”

“You are. He knows that. You’ve pulled me away from his grand plan. It’s not something he ever saw coming. He was left scrambling when I disappeared. And so he’s always _there_. Always trying to dig his claws in. And I’m letting him, just a little. If he gets to you through me? I can’t have it, Rey.” He looks frighteningly pale as he contemplates it, and it makes her shiver.

“Ben, please. We _have_ to stop him. This war will never end without that.” He tries to move further away, but she follows, pulling his head down to hers, pressing her forehead to his as he had just done to her. “We’ll never be free as long as he’s out there.”

He sighs and she can feel his breath ghost over her face.

“You know I’m right,” she says

He does nothing for a moment, then reaches out and wraps himself around her. She’s almost smothered against the hard planes of his chest. Tremors ripple through his body, small at first, but increasing in intensity as he holds tight to her.

“You know,” she repeats.

“I know,” he finally says, voice muffled against her hair. “I can’t lose you.”

“You won’t.” She pulls back to look into his eyes, cups his cheek and goes up on tiptoe to press a chaste kiss to his cold lips. “We’ll face him together.”

“Rey…”

“Me and you. And Luke…” The last she ventures slowly.

“He’ll never face him,” Ben says, a note of bitterness creeping into his voice.

“He’ll have to.” Her voice is fierce, and Ben actually smiles at that.

“I do believe that if anyone can convince him, it will be you.”

“I know I will.” She offers him a haughty smirk, one hand on her hip. “It will take all three of us. There’s no way around it. Every Force user we have is going to need to be there to take him down.”

Ben finally nods. “So combat training then?”

“ _Finally_ ,” she says, and there’s a bit of a twinkle in her eye.

“Don’t look too happy, sweetheart,” he murmurs. “I’m not going to go easy on you. And neither will Luke.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” she tosses back at him. _Combat training_ …finally. She’s going to learn how to use her lightsaber and the Force and she’s going to get to do something more than fix broken X-Wings and cheer on the team.

“Tomorrow then,” he says and presses one last lingering kiss to her lips.

“Tomorrow,” she confirms before slipping from his grasp and making her way back to her own quarters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know! I'm flying at you with these chapters. Sorry? Sort of? But this thing is WRITTEN and I kind of want to get it all posted before TROS premieres. So expect more frequent updates!


	34. Chapter 34

“No,” Luke says as soon as Ben introduces the idea to him.

“Uncle…”

“We’re not facing Snoke. We’re not strong enough.” The words are simple but there’s nothing simple behind them. Ben turns and puts his fist into the wall. Rey jumps slightly when he does and then shoots him a dark look.

“We’re going to have to be,” Ben says, his voice tight.

Luke sighs and looks from Ben to Rey and then back to Ben again. “What do you think we’re going to do? Go out there with three laser swords and fight him?”

“Three is better than one,” Rey interjects with. She’s gripping the hilt of her lightsaber so tight that Ben can see the edges of her knuckles turning white. He wants to reach out, put his hand over hers, sooth her somehow. But he refrains. This is all so new, and even though Luke knows, he just doesn’t know if he’s really ready to let others see whatever this thing between them is.

Maybe after.

_If_ there is an after…

Rey shoots him a look that says she knows exactly what he’s thinking and she’s really not too fond of it.

He shrugs.

Luke’s eyes narrow just slightly, but that’s the only evidence that he’s even aware of their sort of silent communication. “Alight,” he finally says.

“Alright?” Rey asks. “Just like that?”

“You’ll get your lessons. But when the time comes…”

“You’ll be there,” Ben interrupts with. “You won’t let us face this alone.” _Not this time, Uncle_. He had let Ben face everything alone. The separation from his parents, the insults from his classmates and later their fear, _Snoke_. He’d let him try to handle it all on his own when he was just a boy, frightened of his powers and confused why no one wanted him.

He stares his uncle down and finally his uncle offers another sigh. “Well, we’ll see,” is all he’ll say. But it’s a concession of sorts. Ben looks over at Rey and she’s watching him with a half-smile on her face. He nods at her before turning back to his uncle.

“Then shall we?” Ben says, waving a hand at the door to his uncle’s quarters.

“Now?” Luke asks, eyebrows up.

“What better time is there?” Rey says. “We’ve seen what you do here, and you are _not_ busy.”

“Ouch,” Luke says, but there’s a smile on his bearded face, and for once Ben feels _good_ about this. They’re all strong with the Force. Ben knows Snoke’s mind and knows his tricks better than anyone. He’s had them used on him, seen them used on other people.

Luke has years of experience.

And Rey?

Well, he’d rather not have Rey with them if he’s going to be totally honest with himself. But he knows they need her. And she’s a scrappy fighter, having survived years on a hostile planet and come out of it with a fierce spirit that Ben truly admires.

“Well, then,” Luke says. “Let’s get on with it, shall we?”  And he steps past two of them to leave the room. Rey starts after him, but Ben reaches out a hand and touches her shoulder lightly.

She turns back to him, her gaze curious.

“Are you sure about this?” His voice is quiet as he leans down closer to her.

“No,” she admits. “But it’s the only thing we’ve got.”

He nods and is surprised when she pushes up on her toes to press a quick kiss to his mouth. He doesn’t have time to kiss her back, too surprised at her audacity. His uncle seems not to be aware, but he watches as he hesitates in his steps for a moment, and then continues on with a small shake of his head.

Ben and Rey follow a little more slowly.

He doesn’t know quite why it feels like he’s marching them to their doom. The feeling creeps up from deep inside him and he shivers slightly at its icy grip. _I will end you_ , comes the voice in his head. _I will end you all_.

And then it recedes. He sags against the wall for a moment, his breath uneven. When Rey glances back at him, he shakes his head and follows her. He can’t let Snoke get to him. He can’t let him win.

He’ll do _anything_ to keep Rey safe. It’s not just about _him_ anymore.

* * *

“You’re using your anger,” Luke says. His voice is calm. His voice is _always_ calm.

Rey is just about ready to throw her lightsaber at him.

“I want to kill this creature,” she says, one hand on her hip. “Of course I’m angry. He’s trying to destroy everything we love.”

“That’s not the Jedi way,” Luke points out.

“I don’t want to be a Jedi!” she shouts back. And there’s the truth. There’s nothing about the ascetic life of a Jedi that appeals to her. While she can certainly appreciate peace, knowledge, and serenity, she cannot push away the thought that a lack of attachments is a terrible thing, that passion can be used for _good_ as well as bad.

“Hmmm,” Luke says.

Ben is watching from where he stands against one of the trees. “I don’t think you’re going about this the right way,” he says.

Luke shoots him a look. “No? Maybe you want to be her teacher.”

Rey turns to look at Ben and he’s grinning. “Always,” he answers with, and steps closer.

She turns to face Ben as he comes closer. And then he ignites his lightsaber and leaps toward her. She throws her lightsaber up without thinking, blocking the blow that very nearly would have taken off her head. “What are you doing?”

“Teaching you,” he says, and she’s almost sure he’s laughing inside, even though the set of his lips is serious.

“Are you then?” She spins around then and comes at him from behind. He just barely gets out of the way.

“Good!” he shouts. “Always use your opponent’s distractions to your advantage.” They’re standing, facing each other from a couple meters away. He disengages his lightsaber as he speaks, glancing briefly at his uncle before looking back to her. “This is something we have going for us. All _three_ of us. We’ll need to get through Snoke’s guards. Once we do, we can use our powers to distract him. And someone is going to have to cut him down.”

“Someone?” Rey asks. She knows the answer to that.

“Yes,” he says.

Ben has to kill him. She doesn’t know why, but she _knows_. It has to be him, not her, not Luke. Snoke has been in his head, tormenting him since he was born. He needs to end him. It’s poetic justice in a way.

“I know,” she responds with. She starts to pull her lightsaber back, but then leaps toward him with a wild swing.

Ben laughs.

And so it goes, on and on. They try to distract each other. Ben pulls a small tree over not far from Rey and as she moves out of the way, he goes for her. She just barely twists away from him, feeling the heat of his lightsaber graze her upper arm.

She curses, feeling the heat of Ben’s laughter through that part of the bond that stays in tune with him whether she wants it to or not.

When she charges at him next, she gets close.

Close.

But not quite enough.

He leaps over her lightsaber, sending her sprawling into the dirt beneath him. She’s rolling over when his foot comes down on her arm. Lightly. He doesn’t hurt her, but he’s there nonetheless, lightsaber pointed at her chest and a half-grin curling up the side of his mouth.

“Yield,” he says.

Rey starts to raise up her hands when something clocks Ben in the head, sending him flying backward. Rey is up on her feet and rushing toward him before she even realizes what it was.

“That’s all well and good,” Luke is saying, lightsaber pointing first toward Ben and then toward her. “But you forgot one thing.”

“And what might that be?” Ben mutters.

Luke extinguishes his lightsaber and leans down, holding out a hand to Ben. For a moment, she’s pretty sure Ben isn’t going to take it. But Luke is patient and finally Ben reaches out and clasps his hand, allowing his uncle to draw him to his feet.

“A new opponent can enter at any time,” Luke answers as Ben brushes himself off.

Ben looks like he wants to say something, like he wants to curse and throw his uncle back, but he finally crosses his arms over his chest. He’s right. Rey realizes. Luke, that is. They were too involved in their fight and didn’t even, for one moment, consider that someone else might enter into the fray.

Ben was gloating.

Rey was admitting defeat.

And meanwhile someone could take them both out while distracted.

“You,” Ben says.

Luke shrugs. “In this instance, yes. When we face him…”

“We?” Rey asks, the single word tumbling out of her mouth before she can take it back.

Luke glances at her, raises one eyebrow. “We,” he confirms.

He’s going to go with them.

They have a chance. She doesn’t know how much of a chance, but it’s there. She smiles and looks to Ben, who looks far more troubled than she thinks he should.

* * *

They meet several times over the next few weeks. Ben and Rey and Luke. It’s strange, Rey thinks, seeing them as some sort of team. There’s still a bit of wary respect between Ben and his uncle, but the respect is there. The trust? Well, that seems to be coming along.

She senses there’s something else there, something deeper, something _darker_. Ben shrugs her off when she asks about it, and retreats to his room almost as soon as they’re done each time. Luke suggests exploring their bond and facilitates meditation sessions where they connect their minds, where they work in tandem instead of as separate entities.

He’s there to make sure nothing goes awry.

Rey is afraid she’ll lose herself in Ben, that she won’t be strong enough to find her way back out.

Luke promises it won’t happen. And more than that, _Ben_ does, reaching out to her through the bond with some sort of reassurance. He won’t go into her mind uninvited. And he won’t keep himself there if she wants him out. The truce between Ben and his uncle is a fragile, delicate thing, but the trust between Rey and Ben is solid. Solid and frighteningly clear, she thinks. They’re a bonded pair and all this work is making it even _more_ so.

She doesn’t know where that will lead, what will happen to them when this is all over. But she can address that when they get there, when this war and the threat of the First order and Snoke is finally no longer hanging over their heads.

If they get there.

She really doesn’t know if it’s possible, and the hope inside her is fragile at best.

“Rey?”

She blinks and glances up to see Rose coming to sit opposite her. Rey has tucked herself away into a corner of the dining hall, far away from the others. She’s a part of it all, and a part that they’re all relying on to finally give them more of the edge they need. Finn and Poe are across the room, in a discussion that she’s sure involves X-Wings and strategy and the latest attacks.

They’re winning, driving the First Order back little by little. They’ve cut off supply lines, broke into a Stormtrooper training facility to free them. That one wasn’t easy, and it was all backed by Ben’s information. Even now, some of the men and women freed from the facility are being retrained, while others are still in lock-up. It’s a terrible thing, seeing what mass brainwashing can do to mere children. Finn looks haunted, his dark eyes troubled. She knows he spends a lot of time with them, hoping to turn them to the side of the light, to give them their lives back. Or worse, to give them the lives they never knew they had.

But he still looks tired and out of sorts these days.

They all do, really.

Ben, Luke, Finn, even Poe looks a bit haggard around the edges.

Rose is staring at her from across the table, and Rey just blinks. “Are you okay?” Rose asks, and there’s something so warm, so sincere about the look in her eyes, that Rey just…crumbles. It’s the only way she can describe it.

“Maybe?” she finally says.

_Is_ she ok? _No_ , she thinks. _No, not really_. It’s not that their training isn’t going well. It is. And it’s not that the strikes against the First Order aren’t going well. They _are_. It’s just that she feels this cold hard lump in her chest every time she looks at Ben. _We have to face Snoke_. It’s what they’re training for, what they’ve been discussing. The ins and outs of what sort of attack might take him out.

It’s coming.

Coming far sooner than any of them would like.

And she wants it over. She does. But she also fears what will happen if everything goes wrong.

Rose leans toward her. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“About…”

“Whatever’s bothering you,” Rose says with a shrug. “Something is.”

“What’s _not_ bothering us these days?” Rey shoots back with.

Rose shrugs again. “I mean, yeah, we’re at war, you know? And it sucks. But things are going well, aren’t they? How’s your training going?”

“How did you…”

Rose just raises an eyebrow. “Know about it? Everyone does. Ben’s been helping us, you know, still. And it’s not like he’s hidden what you guys are doing. You’re the linchpin, he tells us. You and him and Luke Skywalker.”

Rey nods. “We are, I guess.” She sighs and leans toward her friend. “And I’m terrified.”

“Of course you are.” Rose is always so matter-of-fact. She’s heard that she met Finn when he thought about deserting, taking him down with a taser before coming to some sort of truce.

“It’s…” Rey takes a deep breath. How does she even articulate what she can’t totally understand herself? It’s Ben. It’s whatever lies between them. The bond, their increasingly erotic encounters. The fact that she fears losing _him_ over anything else that might happen.

“Ben,” Rose says and when Rey gives her a blank look, she nods. “It is, isn’t it? There’s this whole _thing_ between you. We can all see it.”

“It’s a bond,” Rey says and when Rose looks like she’s going to ask another question, she holds up a hand. “A Force bond. We got into each other’s heads and…here we are.”

Rose says nothing for a moment, just crosses her arms over her chest and watches Rey with a look that tells her she sees far more than anyone else does. “Do you love him?”

Rey chokes. “I…”

“It’s ok,” Rose says as Rey continues to cough. A few people look over at them and Rey just waves a hand at them. _Kriff_.

“I…I don’t know.”

“No?” She gives her a somewhat sad smile.

“I might,” Rey finally admits. It’s not something she really wants to admit. Not to herself. Not to Rose. Certainly not to Ben. If she admits it, she’ll have to face it. They both will.

And there’s so much riding on all of this. If she falters, if Snoke worms his way in and finds out how they feel about each other, they’re done for. He’ll take them out by using them against each other.

She can’t have that.

It’s too much of a risk.

Rose is watching her with a sad smile on her face, and then leans forward putting her hand over Rey’s. “We don’t know what tomorrow is going to hold.”

“I know,” Rey answers with, tries to pull away.

“Rey, you don’t understand. We could be dead. _All_ of us. You, me, Ben, Finn…any of us could die tomorrow in this horrible war. Life is uncertain in the best of times. It’s even more so now.” She squeezes Rey’s hand.  “The First Order could find us, bomb the hell out of this whole place. What would you regret if you died tomorrow? If _he_ did?”

“I…”

“What’s holding you back?”

And Rey isn’t sure. Snoke, for sure. There’s a part of her that fears his presence, his _knowing_. But it’s more than that. What _is_ holding her back from letting things progress? They’ve already gone so far, pushed far past the boundaries she’s set up for herself, flying outside the comfort zone for both her _and_ him.

They come together.

And then avoid each other.

Words almost slip form their mouths in moments of shared passion.

And then they’re bitten back, tongues caught between teeth, lips that won’t form the words.

They’re there, buried far less deeply than she’s wanted. She’s been afraid that they’d bubble up to the surface at the wrong moment. But _is_ there one? Rose is right, she realizes. Either of them could die tomorrow. They _both_ could.

And if she lives and he dies, would she regret not letting him know? Would she regret not exploring those feelings fully?

She wants to give herself to him, she realizes. She wants to wrap that bond they’ve formed tightly around themselves and spend just one glorious night forgetting about everything but _them_.

“I don’t know,” Rey finally admits. “Fear, I guess.”

Rose nods. “I understand.” Rey watches as Rose’s gaze moves across the room to Finn. Rey hasn’t dared ask what’s going on there. But she’s seen the way they look at each other, the way Rose’s eyes light up when Finn walks into the room and the way Finn is always looking for her.

“Have you…” Rey starts to ask, but then a laugh bubbles up. She can feel her cheeks heat. “No…don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.”

Rose smirks. “I won’t. But Rey? Don’t let your fear hold you back. Not with this. There may only be one chance. Don’t lose it. Don’t end up living with that regret.”

Rey nods and Rose stands then, releasing her hand after squeezing it one more time. She’s left alone at the table. And she knows the other woman is right. She can’t let this moment go. She wants this. She wants _him_.

She knows what she has to do. Terrifying though it might be, she knows.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/thespottedtongue/49115653573/in/dateposted-public/)
> 
> Beautiful new mood board by kylosren

The knock comes late at night. He’s had an exhausting day. Training with Rey, trying not to think about what they’ve done, what he’d like to do. What he is, really, quite terrified to do. Not that _that_ is something he should even be thinking about. In all honesty, there’s this small part of him that wants to go crawling to his _father_ and ask him what he should do.

It’s ridiculous, really.

Nearly thirty years of age and he’s never been with a woman. By the time his father was this age, he was well known for having a woman in every port.

_Probably still does_ , he thinks and tries not to let the bitterness consume him. Bitterness for his own sad fate in life, celibate Jedi and then ostracized by everyone, Resistance and First Order alike. Bitterness for his mother’s lot in life, though he supposes she seems content enough with her Resistance and their fights against tyranny. She’s a fierce woman. She doesn’t _need_ Han Solo, but he’s sure, somewhere deep inside her, that longing for connection that Ben himself feels so strongly must still be there.

The door slides open and he sighs.

“Rey,” he murmurs. Of course it’s Rey. No one else would come to him at this hour. No one else would else would leave him feeling so unbalanced.

“Ben.” The way she says his name rips right through him.

He puts one hand on the door frame, almost leaning against it, but mostly keeping her out of his quarters. He wants her _in_ there. There’s no doubt of that. Even now he can smell the fresh scent of whatever soap she’d used to wash up after their latest sparring match, can see the damp hair at the nape of her neck. And he wants to lean forward, wrap himself tight around her and _never let go_. Ever.

He’s hers.

And she’s his.

Instead, he takes a deep breath. “You shouldn’t be here.”

She pinches her lips together, lines forming at the corners of her mouth, between her brows. “Can I come in?”

“Rey…”

“ _Ben_ ,” she hisses at him. “We need to talk.”

He can’t help the soft snort at that. “My father says that’s a bad sign.”

“Ben, no jokes. Please. Not now. It took a lot out of me to come here tonight.”

“Sorry,” he mumbles and finally steps back. She really should not be here. _Really_. Even now he can feel Snoke breathing down his neck, just waiting for him to let his guard down, waiting to get in and _stay_ in.

He gives a push with his mind and closes that door.

But there’s still a small crack that wouldn’t take much for him to push his way through.

And Rey is walking around his quarters, pacing, really, stopping to look at the quill on his desk. She leans down and he winces as she studies the letters written there.

“Calligraphy?” she asks.

“Yeah, well…I did attend Luke’s Jedi Academy,” he starts to say. He can feel his shoulders tense. He _liked_ calligraphy. It wasn’t just the learning of letters, a way to write the Jedi codes down. There was a real art to it. He liked the way the quill felt in his hand, the scratching noise as it moved over the paper, the bold strokes of each letter.

“It’s really quite good.” She turns back to him and he can see the honesty in her eyes.

“Yeah…well…” He shrugs. “You didn’t come here to discuss my old hobbies, though.”

“No,” she says and he watches as she bites her lip, her teeth worrying at it. It goes straight to his groin. Of course it does. Rey could talk about the most boring of the Jedi texts his uncle used to blather on about and he’d _still_ find her unbelievably sexy.

“So…”

“We could die.” The words come out on a rush and she claps her hand over her mouth as she stares at him.

“Well, yes…” He has no idea where this is going. He’s not even sure he could guess.

“Tomorrow. Next week. Facing Snoke or just living on this base. We could _die_ , Ben.” She steps forward then and reaches out for his hands.  He lets her take them, a shiver tracing down his spine at the contact. He wraps his much larger hands around hers as she tugs him closer to her.

“Yes,” he finally answers. “Yes, I suppose we could.”

Her hands squeeze his. Once. Twice. He can feel the cold clamminess of her fear through the bond. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

She’s staring at him, eyes wide, lips slightly parted. She’s so _close_ and all he can think of is kissing her, taking her to his bed, finishing what they had only so recently started. The sound of her moans, the feeling of her release as she lay in his arms. He’s not quite hard, but he’s certainly getting there.

It should be embarrassing how quickly his body responds to hers. But it’s not. Not here, within the shape of their bond. Not here with her hands in his and her mouth so near his.

He shakes his head. “No…I haven’t a clue.”

She releases his hands with a small huff and turns away from him.

“What?” He starts to step toward her, gets just half a step in her direction, when she whirls back around on him.

“Ben, we could _die_.”

“Yes you said that.”

“I think we should do it,” she says almost too quickly.

“It?”

“ _It_ …finish what we started the other day.”

And then he realizes what she means. She means…means… _that._ “Oh,” he says, cringing at the sheer stupidity of that one single word. He can just imagine his father, can almost hear his voice in his head.  _Slick, son. You’re sure to get the ladies with_ that _one_.

He shuts his eyes.

He really does not want to think about his father at a time like this.

Because she wants to… _wants_ to...with _him_.

“Ben?”

He opens his eyes and looks down at her. She’s stepped closer to him. He didn’t expect that. “Yes?”

“Say something.”

“I just did…”

“Say something _else_. Am I the only one who wants to?” There’s a bit of moisture in the corner of one of her eyes, and he remembers suddenly that she told him that she had to work up the nerve to come there. She _knew_ what she was going to ask, knew where this was going to lead, or where she wanted it to.

And all he can do is stand there and stare at her dumbly. Like some sort of ridiculously inept statue.

“No,” he manages to get out. “No you’re not.”

“Good,” she mutters and then smiles. It’s the smile that undoes him. He groans, and then wraps his arms around her, pulling her in tight against him. “So how do we…I don’t know…get started?”

He lets out a small huff of laughter. “I don’t know.”

“Surely you have some idea from…you know…I don’t know. Haven’t you watched any holovids?”

“Holovids?” He’s starting to sound like one of those birds whose name he’s forgotten, just echoing whatever Rey says, completely brainless. _Buck up, kid_.

_Shut up, Dad_.

“I’ve never…never done this. Never watched anything.” And he curses.

“No…oh _kriff_.’ And then she laughs. It’s like his worst fear coming true. He starts to back up, but then she launches herself at him. He catches her. Of course he does. He has no choice in the matter, really, and so his arms come under her and her legs wrap around his waist and he realizes he suddenly has an armful of _Rey_.

And kriff if she doesn’t feel right.

He can feel himself harden against her and he’s _sure_ she notices, because she lets out a little gasp and looks down at him. “I guess we’ll have to learn it all together,” she says.

There’s an earnestness to the words that almost takes his breath away. “You’re serious about this?”

“I am.”

“Why now?”

“We could…”

“I know _that_ , Rey. But why now? We’ve been in danger so many times. We could have died on the last base. We could have died on the Falcon or that time you went on that hare-brained plan to cut off the hyperspace tracking or any other kriffing time. Why _now_?”

She says nothing for a moment, just watches him, and he’s not sure what he wants her next words to be. “It just feels right,” she says at last.

And she’s right.

Of course she is.

He doesn’t have much time to say anything else, because she leans down and her lips find his. It’s a soft kiss, very unlike their last frantic kisses. There’s no desperation here, no confusion. Just her soft lips pressed to his, her tongue at the seam of his lips seeking entrance.

They kiss for a long time, with his arms keeping her pressed tight to him, her hands tangled into his hair, tugging at the locks every once in awhile.

When they break apart, he nods. “I still don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Me neither,” she answers. And he walks her toward the bed, setting her lightly down and coming to rest close to her.

* * *

When he kisses her again, one of hands hovering over her chest, she can hardly believe he’s not done this before. He’s a fast learner. She supposes she must be too. Or maybe they just know each other, are _meant_ for each other. The soft slide of his tongue against hers, the hand that finally settles on her chest, thumb brushing across her hardening nipple. It’s all just as she would have wanted, had she taken much time to imagine this during her life.

He pulls back to study her. He _almost_ looks like he’s going to say something. There’s a strange war going on behind his eyes. But instead he finally smiles and leans down to kiss her again.

She likes kissing him.

His lips are plush and soft against hers, just a little wet as they slide across hers and then down to her neck. “Is this okay?” he murmurs, and the feel of his breath ghosting against the skin of her neck makes her shiver.

“It’s…yes…please?” She hates the needy sound to her voice, but she can feel him smile against her neck before he presses kisses there. Her head falls back, almost of its own accord, giving him more room to kiss and nibble at the sensitive skin there. As he moves, he brushes against the edge of her earlobe and oh _kriff_.

“You like that?”

She makes a small noise in the back of her throat. It’s the most she finds she can get out at that moment.

“Good,” he murmurs and wraps those plush lips around her earlobe, tongue coming out to lave at it as he sucks the lobe into the warm wetness of his mouth.

She lets out a moan and a _Kriff, don’t stop_.

Ben doesn’t, scraping his teeth across her earlobe before releasing it.

“Oh, kriff,” she manages to get out again. “Can I?”

“What?”

“Can I try it?”

His face turns bright red. “I’d really you rather not.”

“You hate your ears,” she surmises.

“Well…”

“I like them.” She pushes the hair away from one of his over-sized ears and pushes up to take the earlobe into her mouth, mimicking what he’d done to hers. She’s rewarded with a moan and his hands coming up to touch her head. “Good?”  she asks.

He groans. “I’ve always hated my ears, but right now I think I love them.”

“Good!” she says with a laugh. She continues with her ministrations for a moment longer, before releasing his ear and letting his hair fall back to cover it. He shivers slightly as he watches her.

She takes a deep breath.

And does something that _should_ , quite frankly, terrify her. But it doesn’t. She pulls her shirt over her head. She’s still in her breast band, but while Ben watches her, eyes hooded and dark, a flush on his cheekbones, she undoes it and tosses it across the room.

“Oh Force, Rey. You’re…you’re…”

“Small,” she offers up.

“Perfect. Oh, kriff, Rey, you’re perfect.” One of his hands comes up to brush the tip of one nipple and she very much enjoys the way his eyes widen when it hardens at his touch. Before she can say anything, do anything, he leans forward and wraps his lips around it.

She curses, her hands coming up to tangle in his hair.

She realizes she had been craving this, desperately wanting his hands on her again, his lips on her. As he presses messy kisses to her breasts, dipping a little lower to scrape teeth across her ribcage, across the bare skin of her abdomen, she realizes this is where she’s always been meant to be.

Where she _wants_ to be.

“This is okay?” he says as he moves his mouth a little lower, lips grazing the edge of her pants. It’s strange here, with light still on them. She can see everything, the intensity in his eyes, the sweep of his hair. It tickles the skin there just above where her pants end and she pulls it back and away from his face, studying him.

“Yes,” she says at last.

“You seem unsure.”

She takes a deep breath. Does she? “I’ve never done this before.”

“Me neither,” he reminds her. “We can figure it out together.” He’s watching her, a bit of color on the edges of his cheekbones. His mouth curls into a soft smile and he looks impossibly young and boyish. “Unless…”

“I want to,” she says, the words coming out in a rush. “I’ve just…I’ve heard from others…”

“Yes?” he prompts her with, a small furrow between his brows.

“I’ve heard it can hurt.”

“Oh.”

“Yes, oh…but I still want to,” she’s quick to assure him with. “I don’t know why this terrifies me. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t felt pain before. I was a scavenger and all and there have been plenty of times I’ve been…”

“Rey…”

She’s babbling. She knows she is. But _kriff_. This feels somehow momentous. “I want to,” she repeats.

“Stop thinking so hard, then.”

She watches him for a moment, reaching out to touch his cheek. “You’re right,” she murmurs. No more thinking. So she does the one thing she really can manage at the moment. She leans back, lifts her hips off the bed, and removes both pants and undergarments in one quick movement.

Ben lets out a gasp.

“You’re decidedly overdressed,” she points out.

“Yes. Right.” He doesn’t move.

“Well? I’ve made my choice. Do _you_ still want to?”

“Of course.”

“Then…”

He curses.

She slips a hand underneath his shirt, running her fingers across the muscles she finds there. He’s strong. She knows this. She’s seen him without his shirt before, seen the sweat dripping down the pale planes of the muscles on his chest, seen the way the muscles of his abdomen move as he fights her.

He nods, eyes wide and lips parted, and then in one quick move, he pulls the shirt off and tosses it across the room. He stands then and reaches to the waist of his pants, watching her carefully as he undoes them and pulls them off. They join his shirt somewhere across the room.

He’s left standing only in his undergarments, ones that appear to be as functional as her own. Black. Of course they’re black.

“You’re…” he starts to say and she nods, biting her lip as he _finally_ reaches down and pulls those off as well.

Her mouth goes a bit dry.

He’s glorious. As if carved from marble. She remembers, once, seeing a naked statue. Someone on Jakku was transporting it and she caught a glimpse of it as it was loaded onto the ship. That statue, supposedly the ultimate example of masculine beauty, simply paled in comparison to the reality. The sculpted muscles of his chest, strong shoulders and arms, his thick thighs, just a small trail of hair that starts below his navel and continues down to his…

Her eyes widen.

“Oh kriff,” she mutters.

“What?” He glances down at himself and then back up at her.

“That statue was a lot smaller,” she mutters.

“What?” There’s a furrow between his brows as he looks down once more. “Is there something…wrong…”

“No, I just thought they were a lot smaller.” She cringes as the words come flying out. It’s not like she hadn’t _felt_ it before. It’s just…he’s huge. And the whole worry about pain flares back to life.

“Oh,” he says. And then smirks. “Right.” He’s still smirking as he comes back over to the bed.

“Oh, kriff, you’re _proud_ of it.”

He shrugs. “I used to….you know…hear guys talk about it. I didn’t know…”

“Well, now you do.”

He comes to stand close to the bed and she’s almost face to face with _it_. She could reach out a hand to touch it and almost does, but draws back at the last moment.

“You can…” he starts to say. “Though if you do, I’m not really sure how long this will last.”

She nods.

He doesn’t move.

She finally looks up at him.

“We don’t have to,” he says softly.

“No, I want to. It’s just…”

“The pain.” She can feel tears prick at the corners of her eyes at his sympathetic tone.

“This is so _stupid_.”

“It’s not.” He stretches out on the bed next to her and gathers her into his arms. She can feel his cock pressing against her thigh, thick and heavy.

“I’ve heard it’s better if…” He swallows hard before continuing. “If, you’re…you know…wet enough.” He ducks his head then, pressing his cheek to the top of her head.

“How do we know if I am?” Kriff, she must sound like a complete idiot.

She feels one of his hands trace down her stomach and she spreads her legs. His finger dips into her folds, stroking her lightly.

“I’m wet,” she says.

“Is it enough?”

“I don’t know.” She pulls away a little to look up at him. “I don’t know _how_ to know.”

“My father…he…he said something about lube. ‘Son, make sure there’s plenty of lubrication.’ He said there’s stuff you can buy…” His voice trails off as the color rises high on his cheeks. Even the tips of his ears where they stick out of his hair are red.

“We don’t have any.”

He makes a small humming noise in the back of his throat. For a moment he does nothing else, just holds her, and then she watches as he brings his finger to his own mouth, wetting them before bring them back down to her.

There’s a glorious slick slide of fingers against her for a few moments, but that wears off after a moment. She’s wet, but she fears not wet enough to take him. And there’s that fear. Of pain, but more than that. Fear that she won’t be good enough, that the whole thing will be so off-putting to him that he’ll decide it wasn’t worth it.

He slides down the bed a bit and spreads her legs and _oh kriff_ , he’s looking at her. She’s only looked at herself down there once or twice. Mostly when she was young and curious, as most girls probably are, and took a mirror to the area to see what it looked like. It’s still a bit strange to her, with all the folds and dampness there.

But he’s staring at her like he’s a man dying of thirst and he just found water in the sands of Jakku. “Ben?”

“Mmmm?” His eyes don’t move from her private parts.

“What are you…oh kriff!” The last is shouted as his tongue comes into contact with her slit, licking her from bottom to top and just barely grazing her clit.

He stops to look up at her. “Do you not want me to? I don’t have to. But I thought it might work?” He sounds so uncertain, so worried. She reaches down to thread her hands through his hair.

“Do it again,” she whispers.

“Really?” And he’s smiling up at her, like a kid visiting a candy shop. She nods. She really has no idea what he’s about to do. She’s not even sure _he_ knows. But he licks her again, his tongue caressing her in soft, almost tentative movements.

It tickles.

Just a little.

“You can…” she starts to say. Do what? She doesn’t even know what she’s asking. But he _gets it_ , anyway and presses his tongue harder into her, dipping inside her and curling against those sensitive parts of her that she’s been embarrassed to explore too often.

She really shouldn’t love this as much as she does, the feel of his tongue on her. She should be embarrassed. When he shifts and moves his mouth up just a little he hits a _spot_. _That_ spot, the spot that she has, on occasion, touched herself and let all those feelings just wash away in an orgasm.

And now his mouth is there.

She can’t help the little noise that escapes from the back of her throat, half gasp, half choked back wail.

Ben stops. “Rey? Is this…”

“It’s fine.” Her voice is far higher-pitched than usual, ending in a breathy little noise as he puts his lips and tongue back to work.

And then he presses one finger into her.

“Kriff!” She wants to clamp her hand over her mouth after the far too loud exclamation.

Ben stops again. “I think…” he starts to say and she looks down. His face is wet with _her_ and she’s not sure if she’s embarrassed at just how wet she really is or if she’s aroused at the sight. He looks almost feral as he looks up at her. One corner of his mouth turns up. “I think you’re wet enough?”

“I would say so,” she mutters.

“Then…”

“Yes.” She pulls at his shoulders and he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand before crawling up her body. He’s resting between her thighs and she can feel the tip of his cock pressing near her opening.

“Are you absolutely sure?”

She reaches up a hand and runs it through his hair. He meets her eyes then and he looks _terrified_. Eyes wide, mouth parted. She can feel it buffet her through the bond they share. “Yes,” she just barely chokes out, putting her hands on either side of his face and kissing him softly. “Yes, I’m sure. Just…go slowly?”

He nods and she looks down as he takes his cock in hand and lines it up with her. “Slowly,” he repeats. She can see the cords stand out on his neck as he slowly presses forward. The tip of it goes in fairly easily, though the stretch is maybe a little uncomfortable. “Are you okay?”

She nods. “There’s no pain.”

“Good.” He kisses her as he pushes forward just a bit more. He lets go of himself then and puts his hands on either side of the bed. Their eyes meet as he slides in all the way with a groan.

“Kriff,” he mutters. “Kriff, this is… _kriff_.” He doesn’t move and she can feel his whole body begin to shake a little. “You’re okay?” he says again.

“Yes.” He still doesn’t move, and so she decides to try doing it _for_ him, pulling her hips back and then thrusting them forward, bringing him back in to the hilt again.

He throws his head back at that and lets out a completely incoherent noise. And she smiles. She _likes_ seeing him undone like this. “You can move,” she finally says.

And he does, pulling out and thrusting back in. The stretch is glorious, she realizes, pressing against places she didn’t know needed that feeling. Her legs come up and wrap around him. “Kriff, Rey, I don’t know if I can last…”

“It’s okay, you can let go.”

“But you haven’t…”

“Ben…” It’s not that she expects to.

He thrusts in earnest then, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her as he begins to move. Every time he thrusts forward, he hits something inside of her that makes her body tighten just a little more. His pelvis grinds into her, rubbing against her clit with every thrust.

“Oh kriff,” she mutters. She can feel her body tighten, can feel his mind push forward and meld with hers. And then she’s him and he’s her and it’s all so mixed up, she has no idea which way is up. She just knows that she’s coming, the force of her orgasm ripping through her body at the same time it rips through his. She can feel him thrust once, twice, and then go still as he empties inside her, his hands wrapped around her and his mouth still melded to hers.

With a groan, he comes down on top of her and then rolls to the side, her legs still wrapped around him, his softening cock still inside her.

“Kriff, Rey…I didn’t…I didn’t know…” His breath is harsh against the top of her head as he curls himself tight around her.

“That was…”

“Yes.”

She doesn’t need to even know what he was going to say. She can feel the Force singing around them, reveling in their bond, reveling in _them_. It tightens so hard around her heart that it’s almost painful in a beautiful kind of way.

She loves him.

She knows this.

And so when he wraps himself around her and holds her tight to his body, murmuring soft words that she can just barely make out, there’s only one thought that floats through his mind.

_I could lose him._

And that fills her with a fear she never knew she was capable of feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this was worth the wait!


	36. Chapter 36

Rey slips out in the morning before he can wake up. She knows it’s early. She knows it’s probably a terrible thing, leaving him after such an act of intimacy. Truly, she wants to stay, wants to curl up under the covers and forget all that is to come.

They have to make plans.

They have to take out Snoke.

She doesn’t know where to begin with that, can’t imagine how just three of them, trained Force users or not, are going to do it. Snoke is more than halfway inside Ben’s head and has been his whole life. Luke has this center of fear that he’s trying hard to beat back. Fear leads to anger. And that, according to Luke and his mentors, leads directly to the dark side.

It’s how Snoke stole Ben out from under them, playing on his fears. He wasn’t good enough. He wasn’t strong enough. Did his family really love him? She’s _heard it_ , seen it in his mind when they connect.

And then there’s her. She barely has a command of this terrible power she’s been granted. It’s mostly instinct, though she tries to control it at every turn. But even that sometimes gets beyond her and she feels this _rage_ rising up in her.

Rage and fear.

They’re all so terrified, her and Ben and Luke.

And yet they have to do something. Without Snoke, the First Order is just a serpent with its head cut off. It will die, eventually, rot into the mud at its feet.

“Rey?”

She jumps at the soft voice. She’s just about reached her quarters, hand outstretched to open the door, when the voice comes close at her side. “Rose,” she says.

“You were in a world of your own,” the other woman says, a soft smile on her face.

“Yes.”

“Force stuff?”

Rey lets out a soft huff. “Something like that.”

“Ben, then?”

She can feel the color high on her cheeks as she nods. “We…”

“You don’t have to tell me. I know. And I understand.”

“Are you sure you’re not Force sensitive?” Rey asks, and is surprised that despite all that’s weighing down on her shoulders, her lips turn up in a smile. Rose is like that. A bit of sunshine in the midst of all this horror.

Rose shrugs. “Paige used to wonder. I think I just know people.” She pauses there, watching Rey for a moment. “Do you want to come in? Talk about it?” She waves a hand at the room across from Rey’s.

“I…um…not really?”

Rose just smiles again. “I don’t mean _that_. Honestly? I don’t want to know about that. Hopefully all parties are happy.” She holds up her hands before Rey can even formulate a response. “But I think there’s more on your mind?”

The truth is Rey wants to. There’s so much going through her mind, so many churning emotions. Some about Ben. Some about the upcoming war and what it means for them all. She’s found a home here, a family of sorts. Dysfunctional at times, but they’re _there_ for her in ways the family she’s never known weren’t, in ways she knows they probably never _could_ be. Even if they came back for her now.

She’s not quite sure when she stopped yearning for that family, when the _I’ll come back_ stopped playing on repeat inside her mind. But it’s gone. Now she sees Ben’s eyes and the soft looks he gives her. She sees Rose and Finn and how much they care for everyone around them. She sees Luke and his need for a better galaxy overcoming his fear.

“Yes,” she finally says. “Yes there’s a lot.”

Rose waves her into the room and sits down on her bed.

Rey paces. Up one side of the room. Back the other. Rose just watches her, waits, patient to a fault. Rey wonders where she learned such patience. She’s not sure she ever could.

On another circuit around the room, Rose just smiles at her and pats the bed next to her. It takes Rey another minute to finally come perch on the bed.

“I love him,” she says. The ache in her chest at the words _hurts_.

“I know,” Rose answers with. “And…”

“I’m terrified.”

“Of love?”

Is that what it is? No. It’s more than that. She’s afraid of _losing_ him. She’s afraid of Snoke, of the First Order, that someone will come and tear them apart. That she has found him and will lose him in nearly the same breath. She almost can’t _breathe_ for thoughts of loss. “More than that.”

“You’re afraid of what’s coming.”

“Yes.” The word is a broken whisper. “What if…what if we don’t come out of this?”

Rose leans forward and wraps her arms around her. “Finn said the same thing.” Rey lets her wrap her up in a hug, leans into her. Rose is good for this, for leaning, for listening. She missed her real calling, some sort of counselor for the downtrodden, the scared and the worried. There’s so much empathy inside her that Rey is almost overwhelmed by it all.

“Did he?” Rey asks.

“He did. And worse, he tried to leave. Did you know that?”

Rey has to laugh a little at that. Finn had been talking of leaving before they even arrived. He seems to have settled well into his role in the Resistance, but she’d been gone, and she knew little of what went on during those days she was with Ben on the Falcon. “I know he didn’t want to be here. Ben…Kylo…and all that.”

“I caught him leaving. Trying to steal a shuttle. Tazed him but good.” And she laughs.

Rey laughs too. “You _tazed_ him?”

“Knocked him right unconscious and dragged his ass back to Poe. He changed his mind after that.” She looks almost proud of herself.

“He’s found himself,” Rey murmurs.

“He has.” She pulls back from Rey. “You have, too.”

Rey takes a deep breath. “I have?” She clears her throat. “I have.” Yes, firmer.

“You’re more centered than when I first met you. I see it in the way you carry yourself.” She reaches out and touches the lightsaber that even now is clipped to her belt. “You seem more comfortable using this thing.”

Rey’s hand comes up to rest on it. “It’s a part of me.”

Rose nods. “As is Ben. And all of us. It’s scary, I know. You don’t think I’m scared?”

“I don’t think _anything_ scares you.” Rey admits. Rose is fierce. She goes into everything, from fixing an X-Wing to battle with the same pluck and determination.

“Oh, it does. Trust me. I’m terrified I’m going to lose Finn, that I’m going to lose _you_. Hell, I’m even scared that we might lose Ben.”

Rey’s eyes widen at that.

“He’s not so bad,” Rose mutters. “When he’s not staring at us like he can read our minds.”

“He can,” Rey says.

Rose looks horrified.

“Well, I mean, you’d know if he was doing it. Trust me.” She shudders at that. She lets him in now, and he dips in on his own from time to time, but there’s no pain. She’s not trying to force him out.

“That’s…that’s good, I guess. But you care about him, so he can’t be all that bad.” Rey just nods at that. Rose is the first person who’s expressed anything for Ben outside of loathing, fear, or at best, a bit of tolerance. “And that’s what this is about, you know. When we go in there, when we’re fighting them? Remember who you’re fighting for.”

“All of you,” Rey says.

“Exactly. You’re fighting for everyone you love, for every _thing_ you love. We can’t go in there with hate in our hearts. We have to go in there with love. It’s the only thing that will get us through.”

Rey studies her for a moment. “Fight for what you love, not for what you hate. I’ve heard you say that before.”

Rose nods. “And I meant it.” And then Rose wraps an arm around her shoulders. “We’re going to come out of this. I know we are. And it’s going to be a better world for all our pains.”

Rey leans over slightly, briefly resting her head on Rose’s shoulder before standing. “I should go.”

“There’s a lot of planning to do.”

“There is,” Rey says with a half-smile. She turns toward the door, but Rose’s voice stops her.

“It’s almost over, Rey. One last push, and we’re through.”

She doesn’t turn back to her, just bows her head slightly and disappears through the door.

* * *

Ben cracks open one eye, then another, and with the bit of light coming from the window, memories return. Soft sighs, the feel of her skin against his, his cock buried deep inside her as the Force sang around them.

“Rey,” he murmurs, rolling over and finding…nothing.

She’s gone.

He can still see the indent in the pillow where her head had been, can still smell her on the sheets. Sighing, he rolls over and buries his face in her pillow. _Just what_ was _last night?_ Words hadn’t been exchanged so much as thoughts and feelings. He could see himself in her mind’s eye, there at the end, so clearly. The sweep of his dark hair, the intensity in his eyes. He looks _different_ in her eyes.

Ben has never been deluded about his looks. He’d heard the whispers from others as he grew up… _His mother is such a beauty, his father so handsome…how did they end up with_ him _?_ He can clearly see both his mother’s and father’s features on his own face, but they were put together oddly, as if someone took a little bit of this and a little bit of that and mashed it together with no thought to the final product.

He’s not handsome.

But in _her_ eyes, he is. He shines there and he knows, somewhere deep inside, that she loves him as much as he does her.

And yet still, she’s gone.

He supposes that’s just Rey. Ever the pragmatic one, she probably doesn’t want to get caught sneaking out of his place in the morning. He wants to scream it to the rooftops. He wants to repeat the whole experience, take her again, in new ways. He shouldn’t feel different that morning. And yet he does in some way. He feels refreshed, he feels whole, as if his entire well-being somehow hinged on their coming together in such a way.

It should be ridiculous.

It’s not.

With a sigh, he finally rolls off the bed and stands. There’s so much that needs to be done. Plans to make. And he feels a frisson of electricity trace down his spine.

Snoke.

They have to face him.

He and Rey and Luke.

Even now he can feel him clawing at the inside of his mind, trying to gain purchase. He’s gotten fairly good at blocking him out when he needs to. Meditation, practice with mental shields that leave Snoke muted in the Force. He can often hear Snoke howling in rage inside him, like tinnitus that won’t let up.

He’s let him dip in before. Just enough to see plans that they’ve not made, just enough to send him on a wild goose chase. He’s getting better at it, at manipulating those thoughts.

Snoke rarely comes to him in nightmares.

And he hasn’t let him get to Rey. He _won’t._ He’ll die first, sever their connection, leave Snoke with nothing.

It’s something, at least. Something to cling onto as they head into what might be the best moments for the Resistance…or their darkest hours.

* * *

“Glad you could join us,” Luke says as Rey enters the room.

Ben is already seated when his uncle speaks, and he sits up suddenly, turning toward her. She looks…well, the same, really. But different. There’s something more centered about her, as if she’s found her place in it all. When she takes the seat next to him, she reaches out to touch his hand.

It’s brief.

Luke notices anyway, eyebrows rising as he stares at them. “That might,” he starts to say, then clears his throat. “Might…uh… _complicate_ things.”

Ben watches Rey as she leans forward, chin raised. Defiance. She’s known for that. And he can’t help but smile as she faces down his uncle. “It won’t complicate anything,” she says, and Ben realizes that he loves her voice. The lilt of the accent he’s never been able to place as to where it came from, the way she forms every word.

_You have it bad, kid_.

His eyes move to his uncle, the smile disappearing on his face as he does so. If there was one thing he learned under Snoke’s brutal tutelage, it was how to school his face into a semblance of calm impartiality.

“You’re sure?” Luke asks, looking from one to the other. “We may not all come out of there alive.”

He glances over at Rey, watches as she presses her lips together. “I know,” she finally says.

“It could be worse,” Ben whispers and both Luke and Rey look to him. “We could be forced to abandon one of us for the greater good.”

“Abandon?” Rey asks.

“Snoke may want me back.” Ben shivers. He’d rather die first, but he won’t tell her that. “Or he may want _you_.”

“Or Luke,” Rey responds with.

“He’d kill me first,” Luke says, and there’s a bit of a grim note to his voice. “Snoke’s been looking for me, and I doubt it’s to turn me to his side.”

“No,” Ben confirms. “He knows that’s not possible. He _had_ me. He believes he can have me again.” He turns to Rey. “And I’m sure he believes he can turn a _scavenger_ to his side with little difficulty.”

Rey cringes at the word but reaches out and squeezes his hand. “He might find that harder than he thinks.”

Ben can’t help but smirk at that, his eyes meeting Rey’s for a moment. “Indeed. He underestimates you.” He looks back to Luke then, releasing her hand. “That’s his greatest weakness. His arrogance, his belief that no one is a match for him. He underestimates his opponents.”

Luke nods. “This is good,” he murmurs. “We can work with that.”

“How?” Rey asks, and Ben can feel the tremors of her worry coming through the Force. That might be one of the bigger concerns. Rey projects loud and clear when her emotions are high.

“Do you feel that?” he asks Luke.

His uncle looks from him to Rey and back again. “Feel what?”

“She’s terrified,” Ben says, the quiet words dropping like a bomb into the room. “She thinks she’s going to screw this whole thing up and get us all killed.”

“I do…” He turns to look at her and she clamps her mouth shut.

Luke shuts his eyes, and even Ben can feel him reaching out within the Force. And then his eyes snap open. “We can work with that too.”

Rey lets out a gasp.

Ben reaches over and puts his hand over hers.

“How?” she asks.

Luke leans forward then. “Rey, tell me what happened on Jakku when you were scared.” His words are strangely calm, almost kind. Ben feels a shiver trace down his spine. He doesn’t like where this is going, doesn’t even want Rey to _be_ there. He can’t watch her face down Snoke. He can’t risk her like that.

Luke shoots him a look and he’s sure he’s projecting too. He calms his wayward emotions, the hand not connected to Rey’s clenching into a fist.

“I…I had to do things anyway. Sometimes you had to go to dangerous places to find something that was worth more than a few portions. There were times…” She clears her throat, shuts her eyes. “There were times I had to climb high up in precarious places, reach the edges. I almost died more than once, just barely teetering on the edge of falling into an abyss.”

“And what did you do?” Luke asks.

“Centered myself.” Her eyes open and she meets Ben’s eyes first, before turning to look back at Luke. “I took a deep breath and it was like this…this _thing_ took ahold of me, held me up, kept me safe. I was able to do so much I know I shouldn’t have been able to do.”

“The Force,” Ben says. Almost unnecessarily, really.

“I know,” she responds with. “Now, at least. Then I thought it was something anyone could do if they had the right mentality.”

“Were you still scared?” Luke asks.

She nods at that. “I was. But…it’s like it no longer mattered. That thing had me and I would be safe.”

“We need that,” Luke says.

“My fear?”

“More than that,” Ben says as he leans forward. He sees where it’s going. Project the fear but calm the center. Be ready to act. “Snoke doesn’t dig deep.” His uncle nods along with the words. “He doesn’t think he needs to. He…he thinks that we wouldn’t be able to hide our thoughts from him.” Ben remembers the cave Snoke had sent him into early in his training, remembers his parents and their pleas. It had all been a vision, of course, induced by the darkness of the cave around him, induced by Snoke himself. He was supposed to cut them down. Instead, he’d destroyed the cave and left Snoke to believe he’d cut ties with his family.

He hadn’t, clearly. And yet he _knows_ that Snoke doesn’t wonder where _Snoke_ went wrong. No, he’ll blame the whole thing on Ben, think that he was too weak, too foolish.

_End him and take your place at my side…_

He hadn’t on that bridge, when he could feel Snoke beating at the insides of his mind.

“He’s always underestimated the Skywalkers,” Luke says and reaches out a hand to touch Ben on the shoulder. It may be the first time Ben doesn’t flinch at his uncle’s touch, the first time he thinks it may actually be reassuring. They’re mending the gulf that’s between them, maybe not rebuilding the old bridge, but building something new. Something _stronger_.

He’s never heard Luke refer to him as a Skywalker before.

“He has,” Ben confirms.

“The Emperor did too. He thought your grandfather…” Ben feels his spine stiffen just slightly at the mention of Vader. “Well, he thought he was all Vader and that every trace of Anakin was gone.”

He can see Rey watching them both, a bit of a shine to her eyes.

“And he wasn’t,” Ben says. “I wasn’t either.” The last is said quietly and he feels Rey’s hand tighten in his own. It’s almost painful, but it brings him back to the present.

Luke says nothing for a moment, just watches him. “No,” he finally says. “No you weren’t.” Luke’s eyes move to Rey, then to where their hands are joined. “I didn’t give you enough of a chance.”

Ben has to strain to hear the words. He’s not even sure what to say in response. No one gave him a chance. His father didn’t know what to do with him. His mother thought Luke was the best solution for her wayward son. And Luke? Luke saw only darkness, saw only the potential for failure instead of the brightness of a future not yet realized.

“You…” Ben starts to say when Luke holds up a hand.

“I’m sorry Ben. I failed you.” He feels more than hears Rey’s gasp at the words. “Someday, I hope you’ll be able to forgive me.”

“Help us end Snoke,” Ben says. “And we’ll talk about it.” He offers up a half-smile, though it still feels unnatural on his lips.

Luke nods, his eyes bright. “We’ll do that.” Ben and Rey stand then, and Luke reaches over and claps Ben on the back. “We will,” he reiterates.

As Ben and Rey leave together, he realizes he wishes he felt half as confident as Luke appears to be.

 


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate! Today I am so very thankful for all my readers...all the comments, the over 1000 kudos (which totally has blown me away), and the bookmarks and subscriptions. They all mean the world to me! So THANK YOU!

They’ve been training hard for the past two weeks as everything begins to fall more into place. Sometimes Rey worries that everything is starting to seem _too_ easy. There’s this strange prickly feeling that traces up her spine sometimes during meetings.

She’s to be bait.

Offered up to Snoke on a silver platter, as it were. If he can’t turn Ben Solo, perhaps he can turn Rey of Jakku, scavenger turned not-quite-Jedi. Everyone knows there’s a bit of darkness in her. She feels it sometimes as she fights Ben, as she fights Luke. It bubbles just beneath the surface, infusing her movements with just a touch of rage.

Luke fights with a calmness she could never hope to attain.

And so instead she emulates Ben, teetering on that knife edge between darkness and light.

They’ve gone over their plan so many times, she has it memorized backward and forward. It seems foolproof, which is what has her the most worried. It’s not. She knows it’s not. She can see the haunted look in Ben’s eyes. When she comes to him late in the night, they cling to each other even as they take their pleasure with each other.

They both know any moment could be it.

“You look ridiculous,” Rey says as she meets them in the hangar. The stolen First Order shuttle they stand near makes her shudder a bit.

“I feel ridiculous,” Ben mutters, plucking at the white armor that covers his body. He and Luke are both dressed as Stormtroopers. The three of them will be dropped into the middle of the battle Poe’s team is about to start on a nearby planet.

“Buck up, kid,” Luke says, and he’s _grinning_.

Ben grumbles something unintelligible.

“Do we need to go over the plan again?” Rey asks. She’s the only one not dressed in armor. She stands with lightsaber on full display. She’ll be going in as the token Jedi, wielding her lightsaber while keeping both Ben’s and Luke’s hidden on her person. They’ll call them when needed, dumping the blasters they’re currently wielding.

“I think we have it,” Ben says.

And they do. She knows they do. Poe and his team are already heading to the planet to infiltrate the planet’s system. This is where they bring the kidnapped children of families around the galaxy and turn them into the automatons willing to die for their cause.

Now they just wait for word from Poe’s team that they’re ready to join them.

There are no words. None left that Rey can manage to get out, at least. _I love you._ Three simple words and she _knows_ she should tell him. Yet they can’t come out. She looks at him and hopes he sees it in her eyes, hopes he can feel it through the bond, even if she just can’t say the words.

He looks at her sometimes like he knows, reaching out a hand to touch her shoulder, her hair, her face.

He doesn’t tell her either, though there’s always this feeling of warmth that comes through the bond when their eyes meet that tells her he feels it.

“They’ve made planetfall,” comes Luke’s quiet voice. It rips her out of her reverie, and she turns to him as he dials into the frequency that’s connected to Poe. It comes to life with a crackled of static that makes her jump.

“This way!” she hears Poe shout. And then, quieter. “You guys hooked in?”

“We are,” Luke says in response.

Poe says nothing else. She can hear shouts in the distance, jumbled and half-static. She can’t tell if they’re close to the shouts, far away, but the sound of blaster shots ringing out is as clear as day.

Another shout. She’s pretty sure that’s Finn. He hates fighting. She’s seen the look of determination in his eyes when they talk about going to the planet, finding these boys and girls who have been stripped of their families, their home worlds, even their very names. He doesn’t want to fight but he _will_. For them, he will. _They’re me,_ is all he’d say. _They’re all me_.

And she needs nothing else in explanation from him, really.

She’d fight as hard to save the orphans of Jakku.

She wants to fight for these kids as well, but she has a different job, a higher purpose here. Poe and Finn and their team are there to rescue them while providing the distraction for Ben, Rey, and Luke to get in. But she knows that defeating Snoke is really only part of it for Finn. It _means_ something to him, perhaps the first really personal thing they’ve done as part of the Resistance.

It’s hard sitting there, listening as her friends are rushing into danger. Her hands are tight on the chair, body leaning forward.

“We’re in,” comes Poe’s quiet voice. “To your left!” she hears him shout, followed by blaster fire. She flinches with each one, one hand going to the lightsaber at her side. “Drop in when ready.” It’s the last thing she hears from Poe. The comm line crackles one last time, and then goes dead.

She looks up to find Ben and Luke both watching her.

“Ready?” Luke asks.

She closes her eyes, centers herself, takes a few deep breaths before she opens her eyes again. “Yes.” And she means it. She’s ready. They’ve done everything they can to be prepared for this moment.

“Good,” Luke says and Ben guides the shuttle out of their hiding place to the opposite side of the building from where Poe and Finn are leading their team. They all know the rumors. Snoke is there. General Hux is overseeing their training himself and _Snoke_ is overseeing Hux. They won’t lose another of these children, not the way they lost Finn, not the way they lost Kylo Ren.

She can feel Snoke there, somewhere in the building. This malevolent presence that so far she’s only felt in her dreams. As she steps down from the shuttle, the world spins for a moment. Ben’s hands come out to steady her.

“Are you sure you’re ready?”

She nods. “I didn’t expect…”

“For his nearness to be so overwhelming?” He offers her a crooked grin. “You get used to it after awhile.” He starts to move past her and she stops him with a hand on his arm.

“Do you?”

He shrugs. “Not really. But eventually you can fight past it.”

“I don’t have eventually…”

“You’ll be fine.”

Ben turns to look at Luke and as one they drop the Stormtrooper masks into place. She shudders. They look so nondescript there, clothed in the same armor so many are in. They could be anyone. But then she feels the warmth radiating off of Ben, feels the heat and intensity of his love. She thinks she could pick him out of a crowd of millions just by the feel of his Force signature alone.

And then there’s Luke. He’s this feeling of complete calm. She can almost _feel_ him empty his mind of all emotion as he stands next to Ben. _There is no emotion, there is peace_ …He exemplifies that in every way, so much _more_ than either she or Ben could be. She can feel him almost by the emptiness of his emotions. No fear, no anger, no hate. But no love or warmth either. It’s the Jedi path and the one she can’t set herself on, even if she shines bright, a beacon of light within the Force.

They move off then, heading into the building. Rey has to lead the charge, as it were. Ben and Luke stick to the shadows. They’ll find their place among the rest of the Stormtroopers once they get into the other building.

It all has to happen fast.

_But what if Poe’s team fires on you?_

They have to make sure that doesn’t happen either.

So many variables. If one goes wrong…

 _It won’t,_ comes Ben’s voice in her head. And she takes a deep breath before rushing down the hallway, lightsaber in hand. They follow the direction of the blaster shots they can hear, the shouts, the cries of those who are hit.

And then she’s suddenly thrust into a room of light. A blaster shot goes off near her head and she raises her lightsaber to deflect it. She can’t see Poe’s team. She can hear them, can feel them, somewhere in the room, but she can’t see them through the sea of white.

If all goes well, she won’t be there for long anyway. And so she wades into the fray, careful to only strike down those who she has to. She knows Finn wants to rescue as many as he can, turn them all. It means more soldiers for the Resistance, certainly, but for Finn it’s about so much more. It’s about _family_.

As she makes her way into further into the room, she hears the cry go up, hears the shouts of _The Jedi!_ , can see the faceless masks of the Stormtroopers turn toward her, one at a time. And so she runs forward with a shout, lightsaber raised high.

* * *

Ben stands with Luke close at his side, blasters raised, but only occasionally firing. Not _at_ anyone. They don’t want to risk hitting any of their team, and they know that this is as much cover for them as anything else. So they adopt the stance, watch everything…and wait.

He hears the shout go up.

“They’ve noticed her,” Luke says.

Ben snorts. “Of course they have.” Rey may be smaller than most of the Stormtroopers she’s waded into the middle of, but she’s fierce. He sees her rush forward with a shout of anger, bringing as much attention to herself as possible. It’s not like it’s _not_ part of the plan, but Ben still feels cold at it all.

She needs to be the bait.

If they capture _her_ , they’ll bring her to Hux, who will in turn gleefully dump her off on Snoke. Ben knows Hux wants nothing to do with Jedi, nothing to do with that _magic_ stuff. He’ll lead them right to Snoke without even batting one pale eyelash.

But he doesn’t _like_ it. If it goes wrong, if they’re not in on bringing her, she’ll go in alone. He can’t let that happen.

“Let’s go,” Ben says as more Stormtroopers rush toward Rey. They need to be at the head of it, the first there to gather her up. Ben pushes forward. He shouldn’t be hard for Luke to find in this fray. He’s taller than most of the other people dressed the same and so he cuts a quick path through, sometimes using the Force to push Stormtroopers aside as he makes a mad dash toward Rey.

They’re on her quickly, his hand coming out to grab her arm. He pulls it back behind her, making a show of it, but not twisting too hard. _It’s me_. His grasp on her arm is gentle and he feels her relax slightly. She can feel him in the Force, can feel his mind meld a little with hers as he pulled her tight against her. She makes another wild swing with her lightsaber, narrowly missing him.

 _What are you doing?_ He throws the words out through the Force to her.

_Putting on a good show of it?_

_Well, stop. You’re going to get one of us killed_.

He can hear her laughter through the Force as she swings again. But Luke is there this time, grabbing her wrist. She cries out as the blade extinguishes. Luke catches it with his other hand and Ben’s eyes quickly search the crowd around them. It was far too obvious of a move, the way Luke moved to catch it, as if he’d had one in his hand every day for the last thirty years of his life.

But no one notices.

“You’re coming with us!” Luke says, his voice gruff.

He can see Rey shiver, and he’s not really sure if it’s acting or if there’s a bit of real fear behind it.

 _We’re going to be taken to Snoke_. He can see the flashes of memories, of his nightmares in her mind’s eye.

_I won’t let him touch you._

_You may not have a choice._

_I would die first._ Her eyes flash to his, find them behind his mask. He has to stop himself from throwing the mask off and kissing her right then and there, blowing all their cover and everything they’ve fought for so far.

 _Later_ , he hears her voice come through the bond and then it fizzles, just a little.  She turns to Luke and pushes at him with the Force. He’s surprised to see his uncle stumble back, but then another Stormtrooper presses forward and grabs her by the other arm.

“The Supreme Leader would be very interested in seeing this one.”

This is their in.

But Rey is not going to give in that quickly. She pushes at him too, fights at him, and Ben rushes into the fray to grab her around the waist, hauling her in close.

“She’s quite the little wildcat,” he says, and the others nod their agreement, blasters trained on her. Ben looks around at those who are supposed to be his fellow comrades, before producing a pair of cuffs. They’ll be easily removed by one who wields the Force. The others don’t realize that, but it looks good. The cuffs lock in place and she struggles against him for a moment, a small shudder wracking her body.

“With me,” one of the other men says, and the two at their sides come to stand at attention next to her. Luke steps forward with the Stormtrooper who appears to be the leader of their little band of misfits. Ben draws up the rear.

He knows his uncle hates using them this way, but they need them. Without their guidance, they won’t get anywhere near the Supreme Leader. They’re the only hope they’ve got.

Ben doesn’t like relying on them either, but that’s a lack of trust. He worries that they’ve already been betrayed, despite their blending in with the other Stormtroopers, despite all the weeks of plans and laying out all the possibilities.

He can’t help but feel they’re walking into a trap.

* * *

“Where are you taking me?” Rey asks, pulling against the cuffs Ben put around her wrists. His hand is near them, holding tight to her wrist just above the cuff. He’ll release them in a moment’s notice, freeing her to fight alongside them.

“That’s none of your business, Jedi,” one of the Stormtroopers sneers at her.

“Silence,” Luke says, and she’s not sure if that’s part of the act or if he thinks it unwise for her to say anything. But she feels she has to. She has to be _her_ or they’re going to catch on, realize there’s something afoot. Rey would never keep quiet, never stop fighting. She doesn’t _want_ to see the Supreme Leader, not really, even if that’s their ultimate goal.

She’s terrified.

She wants to go home.

But she knows this _has_ to be done. They’re the only hope they have, the only chance to cut off the head to take the First Order down. With Snoke still out there, any attempts to cut off an arm of the First Order will be futile. They’ll just regrow it. And Snoke will get smarter. And more people will die. And it will all be meaningless.

They walk further into the darkness of the base. She can hear clanging behind some of the walls and she’s not sure what that portends. She knows this is where they hide the children they steal from worlds they take over. She knows this is where they brainwash them into being these nameless faceless beings all willing to die in the name of the First Order.

She worries there are children back there, worries they’re being tortured.

She stumbles and Luke turns back to her. “Keep moving, Jedi.” He prods her with the tip of his blaster. A nice touch, that, she thinks, as she shivers a little. It’s all too real. It’s _meant_ to be, of course, but it’s still just a little _too_ much.

They keep moving.

She has no choice.

 _We need to get rid of these three_ , she hears Ben’s voice coming into her head.

 _Do we know where we’re going yet?_ They can’t get rid of them until they know.

 _Hux_.

 _We don’t…_ she starts to throw back at him.

 _They’re taking us to meet General Hux. He’ll take us to Snoke_.

She says nothing else, but she can feel Ben tense behind her.

_There’s a hangar up ahead. Hux’s ship will be there._

She knows what he means and without another word, she twists suddenly.

“What’s going on?” the Stormtrooper in the lead asks as he turns back toward her. But then her hands are freed from the cuffs and her lightsaber is back in her hand where it belongs. She flips it in her hand, igniting the blade and cutting down the Stormtrooper before he can say another word.

The other two are dispatched as quickly. “That went well,” she hears Ben mutter. “Your lightsaber?”

“Of course.” She holds it tight for a moment, the metal of the handle digging almost painfully into her hand, before passing it back to him. It’s almost a part of her at this point and letting it leave her hands tends to make her a little antsy.

She supposes that will help.

Snoke will sense her unease, which will only help in making this whole thing real. She takes a deep breath. Ben will give it back to her when the time comes. She hopes.

 _Why wouldn’t I?_ comes the voice in her head and she can feel the bit of anger coming through the bond. Anger, but also just a tiny bit of fear, of worry.

 _That’s why_.

She can feel him shudder as he flips the lightsaber over and holds it close. _I will. I swear. He won’t stop me_.

 _I’m holding you to that_. She turns to him then and she can’t see him through the mask, but she gives him a small, tight smile anyway.

And then they’re moving forward, toward the hangar. As they march into the room, Rey takes quick assessment of those they find there. A few Stormtroopers who seem unaware of their presence, one upper level officer whose back is currently toward them. Ben pulls her forward, stomping for good measure as he walks, the heavy footfalls of your typical Stormtrooper and not the light on your feet way she’s seen him fight in their latest sparring matches. He’s learned from her as much as she’s learned from him in a way. He’s quieter, stealthier, more able to bend and flex and move quickly.

She only hopes it will serve them well in the coming confrontation.

The officer in question turns on his heel then and for a moment, his face registers surprise, then glee, before he schools it into a neutral expression. It’s fascinating, watching the way he comports himself. He steps closer as he speaks. “Well, well, just what do we have here?” His voice is clipped and Rey is surprised to find his accent somewhat close to her own. There’s a small part of her, the part that wants to stop and ask him where he’s from, what he might know of her, but instead she narrows her eyes and makes a good show of trying to get loose from the two Stormtroopers who hold her.

“The Jedi, General Hux,” Ben says and the sneer behind his voice makes her shiver. She wonders if he even has to fake that, or if it’s something he can easily shift into from his years of hating his uncle, of hating everything the Jedi stand for.

Hux narrows his eyes at Ben for a moment and she fears all is lost.

 _He knows_.

 _He doesn’t know_. She can hear the confidence behind Ben’s thoughts.

But just for good measure, she pulls against her bonds, pushing away from Ben and Luke in one quick movement. Her hands are still cuffed, but she’s able to twist and pull out one of their lightsabers. Luke’s, if she’s not mistaken. It feels somehow foreign in her hands, both too heavy and strangely light at the same time.

She ignites it and for half a second, the world around them goes to absolute chaos.

And then Ben reaches out and grabs her arm, pulling her a little harder than she would have liked. _What the kriff are you doing?_

_Saving you all…_

When Ben manages to subdue her, pulling the lightsaber out of her hand and disengaging it, Hux is no longer watching him.

He’s watching _Rey_.

And there’s a strange, feral light in his eyes. “Oh yes, she _is_ a feisty one, isn’t she?” He’s watching her and she feels stripped bare beneath his gaze. “Come, then,” he says, turning back toward the ship.

“Her lightsaber?” Ben asks, holding it out.

She holds her breath.

Hux turns back, glancing at it and then to Rey. “You hold it,” he says and the disdain in his voice is obvious. “I have no interest in such nonsense.”

“Where are you taking me?” Rey bursts out with.

She knows.

Of course she does.

But it’s all about the show, the fear, the _oh please don’t do this to me_ that she can pull out. She’s an actress for the time being, and she has to play her part.

Hux laughs then, the sound dark and grating, jagged glass against her ears. “Perhaps you’ve not heard of the Supreme Leader,” he says to her. “But no, you’re a Jedi. For all accounts studying with the great Luke Skywalker himself. Where’s your savior now?” He turns and steps back toward her. “He can’t save you.” The words are whispered as he comes close. Too close. She can almost feel his breath against her face.

She won’t turn away.

Meets his steely blue gaze head on.

“The Supreme Leader will be _very_ interested in you.” And with that, he turns to head up the gangplank into the ship. Ben and Luke grip her tightly by the arms and drag her along with them.

There’s no turning back now.


	38. Chapter 38

The trip to meet Snoke takes both less time and _more_ time than she expects. She spends it sitting between Ben and Luke. They remain stoic, sitting on a bench next to her, guarding her. Neither look at her as Hux paces nearby.

_We need to get rid of him_ , she hears Ben’s voice in her head.

_Hux?_ She keeps her eyes trained on the general. Every once in awhile, he whips around to stare at her.

_Yes. He’s smarter than you think. If he notices anything is off, he’ll take you to an interrogation room instead of to Snoke._ There’s a small twinge of fear behind the words.

“Why are you staring at me?” Hux suddenly asks, breaking off from his pacing to take a few steps toward her. “I won’t fall for your Jedi mind tricks.”

“I’m not a Jedi,” Rey says, her voice deceptively calm.

“You sound like one.” The words come out on a sneer. Hux looks to the Stormtroopers at her side. “How _did_ you two capture her anyway?”

She can feel Ben shift beside her, just slightly.

“We had her surrounded, sir,” Luke says. “A whole group of us. Once she was subdued, they returned to the fight and sent us to take her to you.”

“Hmph,” Hux says. “No, you’re _not_ much of a Jedi. Snoke’s former apprentice would have taken them all out.”

She can feel the amusement coming from Ben through the bond. _He hated me. Still does, I’m sure._

Rey keeps her head straight, still watching Hux. “Snoke’s former apprentice is one of us now.”

“Is he now?” Hux sneers. “You think he won’t betray you at the first chance he gets? Snoke’s dog was good for little else, but keeping to heel was one of them. I’m sure he’s been feeding his master all your secrets.”

_Don’t believe him. He’s trying to get to you_. Ben sounds almost frantic through the bond and she can see Luke shift a little, spine ramrod straight. He’s waiting, she realizes, waiting for everything to fall apart. They’ll kill Hux here and now if they have to, anything to keep the plan going. It’s Snoke they’re after, after all. Hux is just a little man screaming into the void, making himself feel more important than he really is.

“You think you know Ben Solo?” Rey says, her voice flat. “Think again.”

Hux steps forward, leans down over her. “Where’s your _Ben Solo_ now? No doubt hiding away on some backwater planet with that uncle of his, scared little kids playing with their rocks and their laser swords.”

She leaps up from her seat then and takes a menacing step toward Hux. Her hands may be cuffed behind her back. She may be just one single person but…

She feels a hand on her arm, yanking her back down. “Sorry, sir,” she hears Ben say. He sounds appropriately contrite and she winces.

_Don’t forget yourself_ , comes the warning in her head.

“So _there_ is that fire I’ve been hearing about,” Hux muses, as if she didn’t just come close to sending him out the nearest airlock. “Perhaps you can be brought to heel as well.”

She snarls something incoherent at him.

Hux cocks his head to the side. “Not very intelligent, are you Jedi? Well, no matter. Snoke will find a use for you. Or he won’t. It’s no matter to me.” He shrugs.

They all fall silent then.

Hux resumes his pacing.

And Rey takes a deep breath, trying to find some sort of center. She’s going to need that for the upcoming fight. She needs her fear, certainly. Without her fear, without that overriding everything and attracting Snoke’s attention, there’s little chance for them to succeed.

* * *

It’s going too well, he thinks. Everything so far has gone _exactly_ to plan. They’d found Hux, found his ship, taken out the other Stormtroopers and inserted themselves in their place.

They have their lightsabers at the ready, Rey’s in plain view. Rey is teetering on the edge, which is the only thing that worries him. But he keeps telling himself that that is to be expected. She’s not _seen_ Snoke, just seen shadows of him, felt him through the filter of his own mind. Coming face to face with him. That’s different. He knows this.

Snoke had been in his mind for so long, this _thing_ that haunted his nightmares and came to him in his most vulnerable moments. He had not been prepared for the reality of the creature, the piercing eyes, the half-human form. Even now, he’s still not sure _what_ Snoke is.

The ship lands in the grasses of some planet. He’s not quite sure where. It sets him on edge. This isn’t what he expected. The _Supremacy_. That’s what he expected. Snoke’s flagship, a massive dreadnaught that he has spent far too much time on. But no, there’s a smaller ship there in the field and Hux has them follow him off the shuttle they’re on and across the grass to the other ship.

It’s dark there on the planet. Lights from the other ship scans out over the area.

Hux draws up short at the entrance to the other ship. There are a couple more Stormtroopers there, watching them. “Snoke will want to see the Jedi,” he says.

One of the Stormtroopers nods. “Of course. Follow us.”

Ben only takes a few steps behind them. “We know the way.”

They allow them to pass, remaining to guard the entrance. They’ll have to fight their way out, he’s sure of it. After they end Snoke, there will be more challenges. Cutting off the head will only enrage the body. They’ll go down, but not without a fight.

He can feel Hux’s eyes on his back as the hatch closes and they continue on their path toward whatever fate has in store for them. “This way,” Ben says and turns down another hallway. He knows where Snoke is. His is a presence he’s all too used to, one he could find in the dark with his ears plugged and his eyes closed. It takes little for him to lead them down a few twisting hallways.

There’s this little niggling _thing_ in the back of his mind somewhere.

_This is too easy_. He shudders, clamps down on his emotions, on his thoughts. If Snoke gets into his mind, he’ll know what’s going on. And he’ll end them. Quickly and brutally. He’s not sure the three Force users are a match for Snoke’s power.

He takes a deep breath and then the door is sliding open. Snoke sits on this throne, lights from somewhere Ben cannot see falling on him.

The rest of the room is in darkness, and it’s into this they walk. The sound of their boots echo loudly in the cavernous room. When they stop, Snoke leans forward, his eyes bright and intent on Rey.

Ben watches as Rey shivers.

“Excellent work, my friends,” Snoke hisses. His voice has a strange hiss to it, and Ben shivers a little. He doesn’t remember that strange hissing sound, like an echo of his voice at a slightly different pitch. Maybe he’s gotten so used to his being in his head that he’s forgotten how his voice really sounds.

He kneels instantly and he can feel Snoke’s delight at his subservience rip through him. He watches as Luke does the same. There’s a hesitation there, just a moment, but he can see Snoke eying the other Stormtrooper and he knows where his mind is going, knows he’s questioning his loyalty to the cause. _Kriff_ , he should have made it clear to his uncle that he had to bow before Snoke immediately.

It’s too late now.

And thankfully, Snoke has turned his sharp eyes on other prey.

_Rey_.

“The Jedi I hear so much about,” he murmurs. “Step forward, child.”

She doesn’t do as he asks and Ben doesn’t dare get into her mind to find out why. Is it fear or defiance?

“I am _not_ a Jedi,” she bites out.

_Defiance, then_.

Snoke laughs and he watches as Rey flinches at the sound. It’s worse in person, somehow. More grating, more terrifying. “No, I imagine you’re not. So much rage inside, so much hate, so much fear.” Rey says nothing to his goading.

Snoke raises a hand and her cuffs are released. Her arms drop to her sides as she glares at him. He’s an all-powerful being, or wants to be at least. He knows Snoke can be killed. There’s a reason he surrounds himself with his Praetorian guards, red-suited troops armed with deadly weapons. They’re the elite, Stormtroopers who show the most promise, the most ferocity, who lack any sort of empathy toward their fellow man.

“I don’t fear you.”

“No?” With barely even a flick of his hand, Rey is being drawn forward. He can see her try to fight it, trying to pull back. But here Snoke is strong. He’s seen him toss people around like rag dolls, been the one who has been tossed, attacked, tortured, without much more than a twitch to his hand.

It’s worse when he’s angry.

And he’s not.

He’s toying with her.

“Rey of Jakku,” Snoke murmurs as he pulls her in close to him. “Not a Jedi, not a Sith. Just…nothing? How can such an inconsequential girl hold such influence over my apprentice?”

“Ben Solo is _not_ your apprentice,” she grinds out, every word spit in the face of the monster. Ben has to pull on every reserve he has to keep still.

“I see,” Snoke says, but Ben’s not sure he does, not really at least. Snoke is, to many, an all-powerful being. But Ben can see the cracks in the façade, can see that what lies beneath is not sitting on a rock solid foundation.

Snoke releases Rey.

She turns as soon as her feet are solidly back underneath her, hand reaching out. The lightsaber that’s attached to his belt comes free and flies toward her. It’s glorious, really, and Ben watches the whole thing with wide eyes behind his mask. She’s beautiful when she’s ferocious, shining with so much inner light it _should_ blind Snoke.

It doesn’t.

The lightsaber flies around her, hitting her hard in the back of the head, and finally landing in Snoke’s hand. He stares at it for a moment. Ben doesn’t need to open any sort of connection to the Force to know what he’s thinking.

“Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber,” Snoke murmurs. “Quite the relic you have here for someone who is ‘not a Jedi.’”

“I didn’t steal it, if that’s what you mean,” Rey snarls.

“No,” Snoke tosses back at her. “A Jakkuvian desert rat like yourself?” He laughs again. Ben shifts, and Snoke glances at him for just a moment. “I expect you found it buried in some ancient Empire freighter on that backwater planet you call home.” Snoke stares at the lightsaber for a moment longer. “I had assumed, wrongly it seems, that I would be sending my apprentice off to take down Luke Skywalker.” He shrugs and sets the lightsaber down on the table at his side. “Even I can be wrong from time to time.”

And Ben sees his chance.

It’s right there, sitting almost innocently next to Snoke.

All he needs is for Rey to be, well, _Rey_. Keep Snoke’s focus on her. The Stormtroopers in the back don’t matter. They’re window dressing, nothing more.

Luke takes a step toward him and Ben glances over at him briefly. The other man nods. He has no idea how he knows what he’s thinking, but he does. It’s clear. He can see Luke shift just slightly, stance widening. His hand is hovering, waiting to call his lightsaber to himself when the time is right.

They’ve come this far.

They can end this now.

* * *

She doesn’t have to pretend she’s terrified.

She _is_ terrified.

Snoke is a towering figure and the darkness from him swirls around her, around the room. The Praetorian guards are like statues flanking the room. And her lightsaber is currently sitting next to the creature, his hand hovering just a foot or so above it.

This is the part of the plan that completely petrifies her. Because there _is_ no plan. They’d been over it time and time again, but once their plan took them as far as getting into Snoke’s chamber, there was nothing else _to_ plan. Ben had given her a look, a small smirk that reminded her too much of his father, and told her he’d know the moment when he saw it.

Snoke is toying with her. She knows this.

Rey takes a menacing step toward him. She has no idea what she’s even doing. She can feel Ben’s eyes on her, can feel Luke’s as well. She knows they’re counting on her to keep this game of cat and mouse going until they can figure out something. But she has no idea when they’re going to strike, _how_ they’re going to strike. She’s completely unarmed at the moment, her wits the only thing she has.

“It called to me,” she says, every word strongly enunciated.

“Did it now?” He watches her for a moment more and she feels her skin crawl. He’s not quite what she expected. She had seen him only in shadows in Bens’ mind, in hers. She had expected a towering figure, but he’s just a small elderly creature, face half split by a pitted scar, yellowed teeth, and a gaze that makes her want to tear his eyes out. He slouches in his throne, wrapped in a golden robe that no doubt makes him feel more important than perhaps he really is. “You _are_ strong in the Force.” He holds up a hand and draws her back in. When his hand comes up to caress the side of her face, she tries to pull back. “Oh yes,” he murmurs and she can feel his rancid breath on her face. “You _are_ strong. Stronger, even than my apprentice.”

He leans back then, releasing her.

She takes a step back.

“Or should I say, former apprentice?” His eyes flick past her for a moment and she has to stop herself from turning around.

_He knows._

_He has to know._

“Yes,” he goes on with, looking back to her.

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees a small movement. The lightsaber twists silently on the table. Rey steps forward, and Snoke’s beady eyes follow her. “No.” The word is snarled at him. “I will never be your apprentice.”

“You think I can’t break you, child? I’ve told you before. Anyone can rise into the dark side.” She remembers thinking, once, that if Ben Solo could fall, so could she.

“I cannot be broken.”

He wheezes. “All your training with the great Luke Skywalker tell you that? Even _he_ almost rose into his proper place. If he had just listened to his father, joined the Emperor, the galaxy would have been his.”

“He didn’t want the galaxy.”

Snoke shrugs. “But you do.”

“No.”

Another laugh. “You _will_. You will see as they fall at your feet, as they worship you. You, a nothing from a desert world, abandoned by her parents, sold off for drinking money. The entire galaxy will be yours for the taking.” He leans forward, his eyes intent on her. “And take it, you will. I can see it in you. You will rise as the greatest of the First Order. My new apprentice.” He waves a hand at her.

“I would rather _die_ first.”

“ _That_ can be arranged,” he snarls back at her, raising his hands high. She can see the electricity at his fingertips, can feel the gathering power. She’s never seen Force lightning, but she knows what’s coming. She steels herself for it, taking a deep breath.

_You can deal with pain._

_It’s not like you haven’t before_.

The lightsaber turns a bit more.

_Let him do his worst._

The lightsaber makes the rest of its turn.

_It will all be over soon_.

And then the blade ignites. She watches as it bisects Snoke’s body, slipping through and moving forward. She catches it as it comes toward her, centering herself and dropping into a fighting stance. There’s no hiding now.

It doesn’t matter.

She watches and waits.

But he doesn’t fall.

No, he looks down at himself, at where the lightsaber had just entered his body. And he laughs. The sound echoes around them and in that one terrible moment, she realizes they have underestimated him. His arrogance may be his biggest downfall.

But it appears that it’s _theirs_ as well.

“Did you think I would really be here?” His form flickers and she realizes she should have seen that, should have _recognized_ that. He’s a hologram or a Force projection. She’s not quite sure how he’s doing it, and that alone is terrifying. “Did you think I didn’t sense my apprentice out there?”

He flicks his hand at the Stormtroopers and she turns to watch as Ben takes a step back from the force of it. Luke steps forward and Snoke’s eyes move to his.

“How nice of you to join us, _Skywalker_.”

Luke rips his helmet off and she can almost hear what he’s thinking. _No point in hiding now, is there?_ A flick of one hand and his lightsaber is in it, the blade igniting just a half second later. She has to admire the ease and familiarity he has with the weapon. Even after all of their training, she’s not nearly that comfortable.

Ben follows suit, pulling the Stormtrooper helmet off and tossing it aside with a violence she hasn’t seen out of him lately. His lightsaber crackles to life, still menacing in its instability and ferocity. He snarls something incoherent as Snoke reaches out with the Force and pulls him closer.

“Did you really think me so naïve, Kylo Ren? That I would let you come here, with your Jedi uncle and your Jedi _whore_ to what? Kill me? I cannot be defeated. I cannot be _killed_.”

_He’s bluffing_ , comes the words in her head.

She turns to Ben. There’s a grimace on his face as he stares at his former master.

“You _will_ be killed!” Rey calls out.

Luke steps up beside her. He’s silent, calm. She can see him centering himself. There’s no grandstanding from the old master Jedi. He’s been through this before, knows what he’s about and what _this_ is about. She doesn’t need to read his mind to know his thoughts.

She takes a deep breath.

Snoke doesn’t take his eyes off Ben as he speaks.

“Attack.”

The single word drops heavily into the cavernous room, echoing around them.

As the Praetorian guards become more than the statues they had appeared as before, the trio at the center of this misbegotten plan draw close together, back to back. Ben reaches out a hand and touches hers and for just a moment, and she thinks maybe they have half a chance.

This is what they’ve been training for, the three of them together.

With a snarl of rage, she raises her lightsaber and faces the approaching guards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might have noticed the chapter count went up by one. This is NOT because I wrote another chapter. I misnumbered the chapters somewhere in there so I had TWO marked "37." Oops!


	39. Chapter 39

They’re surrounded quickly, the guards rushing at them from all sides. Ben feels heavy in the Stormtrooper armor he’s donned. He’s never been light on his feet, but with his body encased in the armor, he feels stunted somehow.

He glances over at Luke and he can see the same worry cross his face, but only just for a moment. And then his brow smooths out, his eyes settling on the nearest guard. He glances at Ben and nods one before pressing into the fray.

And then there’s not much room for thinking left. One guard comes at Ben from the side and he spins, overcorrects a bit, and stumbles. The guard’s vibro-voulge, a wicked looking bladed staff, comes too close to Ben, the weapon skimming his side. He can feel the heat of it as he twists and brings his lightsaber up to fend the guard off. He twists to his right, ducking as guard moves and aims the weapon directly at his head.

There are certain moves he learned from his father early on. He still fights like a street brawler at times, using his body as well as the Force and his lightsaber. So the guard is completely taken aback when Ben kicks out and takes him down. He’s just about to end his life when another comes swooping at him, weapon at the ready. He’s forced to abandon the guard he’s thrown to  the ground to face the other, throwing his arm up to collide heavily with the guard’s chest. He tosses him back hard, enjoys hearing the other man’s grunt of pain as he hits the ground, and then turns as his original attacker is getting up to come after him.

He rushes toward him and drives his lightsaber through his heart.

 _One down_.

Snoke’s cold laughter echoes in his head.

He glances over and sees Rey fighting off two of the guards, the blade of one coming far too close to her for his liking. It’s stupid, really. He knows that he has his own battle to fight, but still, he starts to move toward her. It’s almost an automatic thing, like she’s the sun and he can do little more than orbit her light.

He doesn’t get far. Another guard comes at him and he’s engaged again, turning to fight while still trying to keep himself half-focused on Rey. He narrows his eyes on the guard. This one has an electrified whip that sends a small frisson of fear down his back. He knows from far too much experience that it cannot be taken out using his lightsaber. Still, he hacks at it, and lets the other man catch his lightsaber in the whip, pulling them closer to each other.

When he’s staring at the man’s eyes through his mask, when he sees them widen, he kicks out with one of his heavy boots, colliding forcefully with the other man’s groin. And smiles. His father would be so proud. The guard grunts as he staggers back, the whip untangling from his lightsaber as he loses his hold on it.

Ben dispatches yet another, watching the guard as he falls.

Two down.

No, three, he realizes, as he surveys the room.

Luke has been squaring off against his own with a calmness he only wishes he could master. He watches for a second as his uncle parries and twists. He recognizes the form he’s using, the one most in tune with his uncle’s own way of life. Calm, mostly defensive. But he doesn’t hesitate when he has his moment and runs the guard through. He sees Luke bow his head briefly, his lips moving as he murmurs words that are no doubt an apology to the Force for taking a life.

And then Luke is turning to take on another.

Rey is as well. For the moment, the focus has shifted away from him and he glances up to where Snoke still sits. Or Snoke’s hologram at least. It’s far more solid than the previous times he’d seen it, far less massive. He looks _real_ and for a moment, Ben just stares at him.

And then Snoke is staring back.

And he feels his claws trying to dig in.

With a snarl, he rips his gaze away from the shriveled creature and races toward Rey, dispatching the guard who was coming up behind her. Ben tosses his body aside as he falls.

“Thank you!” Rey shouts.

“Any time!” Ben shouts back at her. And he grins. This feels _right_. He goes back to back with her and together they fend off the next group of attackers.

It’s four against three now, odds that are far better than he might have hoped for, and he feels his confidence growing.

They’ll need to beat a hasty retreat after they’ve taken them out. He knows that Snoke will be calling ships down to where they are even now, so the sooner they can get back to the shuttle, get rid of Hux, and be on their way, the better.

And that is, of course, when it all goes to hell.

Three of the guards advance on the pair of them. Luke is left with just one, and he hopes that his uncle can quickly dispatch him to assist them. But as Ben fights off the nearest guard, he hears his uncle grunt in pain and sees the gash open up down the side of his arm. It’s enough to allow the guard to advance more, and Luke just barely dodges out of the way of his next attack.

Ben has to turn away as two guards come at him. There’s no time to follow Luke’s movements, no time to stop and hope or meditate on his place in the Force. He can feel Rey at his back, a warm solid weight just behind him, and reaches back to grab her hand. He lashes out at one of the guards, the other spinning around behind him.

He bends low to strike at one.

Rey’s hand releases his to use his thigh to balance herself as she pushes off him, and with a roar of rage, she goes after the other guard.

He swings his lightsaber at the nearest one, missing, but coming close. The two guards are on him in an instant, blades coming close to him, pushing him back. They come at him hard, and yet they’re not making strikes to _kill_ he realizes. _Kriff_ , they’re trying to get him away from Rey. He doesn’t know why, doesn’t know what exactly is going on.

Not until he hears her cry out. As he turns, the remaining guard with their electro-whip pulls her closer by her lightsaber. She doesn’t dare drop it, can’t leave herself unarmed. She won’t stop fighting, won’t give in. Not now. Not _ever_.

But she’s trapped.

She snarls and then the guard has his arm around her neck, holding her tight, pulling her struggling form in close.

Snoke laughs and holds up a hand.

The other guards immediately freeze, popping into attention.

“Excellent, my guards,” Snoke murmurs. “We have what we came for.”

Ben watches as Rey struggles in the grip of the guard, lightsaber still tangled with the whip, so close and yet so useless. He’s been there before, early in his training, when Snoke would pit him against his guards and see what the outcome was. Ben had defeated them…eventually. He’d had no choice about it. He’s fairly certain Snoke would have let them kill him early on and so it was kill or be killed. He left him no choice.

Snoke had no place for weaklings. He had spent years tearing Ben Solo down to make him into Kylo Ren, had sent him flying over cliffs, into dark caves, forced him to face the parents he couldn’t kill then _or_ now. Had he not passed all of his tests, he would have been dead long ago.

And Snoke would not have cared. He would have found another, maybe one with less of an illustrious bloodline. But still, he would have simply tossed Ben aside and gone on his way, pulling in the next highly Force sensitive individual he could find.

He has no idea _what_ Snoke is exactly, but he knows he has no heart, no empathy. _Compassion_ is not only foreign to him, but entirely repugnant.

“Wait!” Ben calls out. He steps forward and one of the Praetorian Guards springs into motion, vibro-blade at the ready.

Snoke waves his hand at the guard and he retreats to his frozen attention again. Ben takes a deep breath.

Snoke is watching.

Rey is watching.

He can feel all eyes on him.

He closes his eyes, tries to center himself. When he opens his eyes again, he’s watching Rey and Rey alone. This is for her. Not for Snoke. Not for Luke. Not for the Resistance. It’s for _Rey_. She’s the only one who matters.

“No,” she says, shaking her head. “Ben, no. Don’t.”

 _I can’t let them have you_. He can feel the terror rip through her, can feel the way her whole body goes cold. _You’ll be safe. It’s the only thing that matters._

He takes another step forward.

Rey fights against the guards. “Ben, no!” she shouts.

“Take me instead,” he says, dropping his lightsaber to his side and disengaging it.

“No!” Rey shouts.

Snoke laughs.

* * *

_Ben, don’t do this._

He doesn’t listen to her. Of course he doesn’t. Ben Solo is nothing if not _stubborn_. He stares at her as he steps forward like a dying man. _He_ is _a dying man_ , her brain not so helpfully supplies. If he goes back to Snoke, they _all_ know what will happen.

She can’t have that.

 _Ben!_ She wants him to _fight_. For her, for himself, for that ever-increasing light that’s been snuffing out the dark inside him.

Snoke’s wheezing laugh hits her ears and she wants to cover them. But instead she watches as Ben steps forward and kneels in front of Snoke’s hologram. He lays down his lightsaber in front of it and at a signal from Snoke, one of the guards picks it up, holding it tightly while keeping a close eye on Ben.

“We have all we need here,” Snoke says. “Take him.” He turns his eyes on Rey then and there’s a sneer behind his next words, a mocking disdain in the way his eyes narrow just slightly. “The _scavenger_ is of no concern.”

He flicks his wrist and the guard holding her steps back, moving into attention just behind her. Her lightsaber is still lit and with a snarl, Rey rushes forward as two of the guards come up on either side of Ben, red-gloved hands gripping him around the upper arms as they start to drag him away.

“Kill the others.”

And then the hologram of Snoke flickers once, twice, and disappears.

“Ben!” Rey shouts as the room falls into complete chaos. Stormtroopers race in, blasts firing off before they even get in the door. The remainder of the Praetorian Guard surround Ben. She can just barely see him through the sea of red and white. “No!”

She deflects two shots that come at her, tossing them haphazardly back into the room without so much as a glance their way. She can hear the grunting of a couple Stormtroopers that she must have hit.

It doesn’t matter.

They’re taking Ben.

No, it’s worse than that. He’s going with them. To protect _her_.

She shouts his name again, cutting down the Stormtroopers who are in her way. She can’t let this happen. She can’t lose him. Not now, not after everything. Ducking under a couple more Stormtroopers, she cuts them down at the legs, can see them tumble to the ground out of the corner of her eye.

_Ben! No! Please don't..._

That gets him to look up, find her eyes across the room. For a moment, everything slows down. It’s just the two of them, his eyes dark, shadowed, a furrow between his brow, lank hair clinging to the sides of his face. She takes one step toward him. _Ben_.

 _It’s the only way,_ comes the thought in her head. _It’s what he’s wanted all along_.

 _I was just the decoy_ , she realizes. Snoke never wanted _her_. He wanted Ben back. He wants _Kylo Ren_ and he would have done anything to recapture his apprentice. She shudders.

 _I’m sorry_. There’s such sorrow to the words that she’s left gasping.

 _Fight, Ben. Don’t let them have you_.

He watches her for one more moment and then the guards are dragging him off again. _It’s too late for me_.

It can’t be. She refuses to believe that. _Ben_ …

 _I love you, Rey. Remember that_.

And then he’s dragged from her view, through a door on the far side. No. _No_. She won’t let them have him, won’t let them take him, turn him back into Kylo Ren. He’s come so far. And he loves her. _Her_ , Rey. The orphan child no one has ever loved, the one who was abandoned to the Jakku sands and forced to endure unspeakable horrors as she grew up.

 _Her_.

 _Loved_.

With a snarl, she cuts down anyone in her way as she starts to make her way across the room, toward the door he disappeared through. She’ll get him back. She has to. They will leave with him, regroup, figure out how to _really_ get to Snoke. This plan had been too easy, too obvious. It must have been for Snoke to have figured it all out before they even arrived.

They need Ben.

She’s cut down two more Stormtroopers, managed to get a few more feet toward the door, when a hand reaches out and grabs her arm. She tries to pull away, but the grip is strong, and she finally whirls on the person. Her lightsaber is raised and she almost… _almost_ …strikes him down.

“We need to get out of here,” Luke says, still holding her arm.

“But…”

“I _know_.” There’s a darkness behind his eyes, a deep weariness that she can see in every crease around his faded blue eyes, at the corners of his mouth. “We can’t save him. Not right now. We need to save _ourselves_ first.”

“Luke…”

“Look around you, Rey. We can’t do anything here. Not for the Resistance. And certainly not for Ben.” The desperation behind the words makes her shiver, and she glances quickly around the room, at the sheer number of Stormtroopers who are advancing on them.

And she knows he’s right.

Of course he is.

He’s Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master. Why wouldn’t he be right?

“Promise me,” she says, the words fervent.

“We won’t abandon him to Snoke. I swear.”

She nods then, decision made, and turns, racing into the crowd of Stormtroopers with her lightsaber raised high. She can feel Luke at her side, the calmness that surrounds him a foil to her anger, her rage. They took him. They took him and she may never see him again.

 _And he loves you_.

* * *

Ben goes willingly. It’s the only bit of dignity he’ll have for a time, he’s sure. If he survives. If Snoke even lets him live past first seeing him, that is.

He’s a defector, a traitor. He abandoned their cause, fought against them. Hux does little more than raise an eyebrow when the guards, hands still on his arms, march him out the door and toward the brig.

“Kylo Ren,” he murmurs. “How good to see you again.”

Ben glares at him, a sneer lifting his lip. “I can’t quite say the same.”

Hux watches him a moment longer and then without so much as a change in expression, backhands him across the face. Ben doesn’t flinch. He’ll experience much worse at the hands of Snoke, no doubt.

 _At least she knows_ , he thinks. It’s little consolation, coming at the worst possible time. Seems to be the Skywalker way to do things. But it may have been the last moment he’d see her. He needed her to know.

“What of the others?” one of the guards asks Hux.

At this, the other man’s face turns a little red. “They’re of no consequence,” he says with a little sniff.

Ben smirks.

They got away.

He knows what it means, knows Hux doesn’t want to admit it. Rey and his uncle no doubt overpowered the man, took control of the other ship, and are headed back to the Resistance right now.

“Put him in the brig,” Hux says. “Snoke will deal with him when we rendezvous with the _Supremacy_.”

The guards nod and pull Ben along with them. He goes easily. There’s no point in resisting. His lightsaber is in their hands, no doubt to be turned over to Snoke at first chance. His _life_ is in their hands. It would take so little for them to end him.

And maybe that’s for the best, really. It’s not like he hasn’t wished for it before, hasn’t stared out at the vastness of space and wondered which one of Snoke’s attacks will stop his heart, end his torture, end the abuses.

They escort him to the brig. It can’t hold him. They all know that. And as Ben takes his seat in there, the guards watch him through the slits in their armor. “I’m not going anywhere,” Ben says, an edge of pain, of resignation, to his voice.

With a nod, they leave him there, the door sliding shut with a soft hiss.

The darkness closes in on him in that room. He can feel Rey out there, somewhere, can feel the distance between them growing. He knows that’s meaningless, not when they’re connected through the Force. But he can still feel the thread between them stretching over the distance.

He takes a deep breath.

Another.

 _I’m sorry_. He lets the words float out across the bond. He can feel her, her warmth, her worry, every last bit of _energy_ that makes her Rey. For a moment, he revels in it, holds that warmth and caring close to his heart.

And then he clamps down on it.

He can’t sever the bond, but he can mute it, can hide himself away from her in the Force. If he’s hidden from her, _she_ is hidden from Snoke. That’s the only thing that matters now. He’s a dead man. There’s a part of him that has known that since long before he had to make the decision to end his father’s life or go with him. It’s always been there, hanging over him, pushing him on. He’s a dead man walking, doing Snoke’s horrible bidding until he’s had enough of him.

His life doesn’t matter.

 _Hers_ does.

The Resistance needs her. The galaxy needs her. The _Force_ needs her.

 _The Force needs you too_ , comes some thought from deep within him. His head shoots up. It’s not Snoke. He knows the sound of his voice in his head, thick, oily, like sludge in his veins that he can’t rid himself of.

This is something else.

_Uncle?_

No, it’s not Luke. He’d know his voice, his Force signature, too.

 _Fight_ , comes the voice.

 _I can’t_ , he thinks. _I was never meant to be a part of the light_. And there it is. Ben Solo, Kylo Ren, always residing in darkness, hidden behind a mask that is more than just durasteel and leather. It hides his face, certainly, keeping emotions to himself. He knows what his face looks like. He’s seen the emotions in his own eyes, the way he can’t seem to hide them from anyone.

His mother always made him all too aware of that, catching onto his emotional state sometimes before he even did. She tried to soothe him, back in those early days when he still believed in her, still believed he mattered to her. Snoke then had only just been this vein of darkness inside him. Nameless, faceless. He was sure the thoughts were his own, never had any inkling when he was young that there was some _parasite_ inside him.

Twisting him up.

Turning him into the monster Snoke wanted him to be.

 _You were never a monster_. Still that same voice inside his head. Soft, insistent.

“Oh, Rey,” he whispers into the darkness around him. If only they had had more time, if only he had told her earlier how he felt, had allowed them to fully explore all that the bond might mean. They had only just skimmed the surface, he’s sure of that much at least. Rey had fought him for so long, pushing him away even while circling him. Closer and closer all the time.

And now he’s Snoke’s again.

For however long, for whatever it means. He can feel him, even now, just hovering on the edges of his mind. Waiting until the remaining members of his elite guard collect him and bring him before him.

He’ll either be reconditioned, created in Snoke’s image again, reminded of who his grandfather was during the height of the Empire’s reign, reminded that _he_ was who he once strove to emulate.

Or he’ll be executed.

He’s not really sure which is worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY.
> 
> ...
> 
> ...
> 
> Ok, maybe I'm not.
> 
> Just...mind the tags, my friends!
> 
> And I know I've been terrible about replying to comments. I've been writing and editing and trying to get this all out! So seriously, from the bottom of my heart...THANK YOU. You guys are all amazing!


	40. Chapter 40

Rey barely remembers the rest of their fight to get off one ship and back onto the other. She remembers a sea of white, she remembers feeling Ben’s resignation, his agony.

His love.

She has no idea how many men she cuts down and a small part of her wonders how many Finns were in there, how many could have turned with just the right incentive. Even now, as Luke pilots the stolen shuttle back toward the Resistance base and Rey sits, shivering, next to him, they have several Stormtroopers in a holding cell. She doesn’t know if they’ll turn.

But if they do…

They need all the help they can get.

For a moment, she watches Luke as he calmly takes care of getting the ship up and off the planet. But then everything fades, goes a little dark around the edges. _I’m sorry_.

_Ben!_ She can feel him, hear him. “He’s alive,” she says aloud to no one in particular.

“Of course he is,” Luke responds with instantly. “Snoke needs him.”

She doesn’t look at Luke,  keeps her eyes shut, tries to feel her away along the bond to Ben. “ _Does_ he need him?” she asks, opening her eyes to find him watching her with eyes that are far more understanding that she’d have expected from the old Jedi master. “Or is it just that he wants back what he considers his?”

“Perceptive,” Luke responds with.

“What do you know of Snoke? I mean, besides the obvious. Who is he? Where does he come from?”

Luke watches her for a moment, and then finally shrugs, looks away. “Not much, really. He had his eye on Ben his whole life, that much I know.”

She nods, wraps her arms around herself. “Ben told me.”

“I’m sure he did.”

They fall silent then and Rey turns to glance out the window, watching the blue of the hyperspace lane as they move through space. They’re moving so fast, so _far_ from Ben. She doesn’t even know where they’re taking him, but she can feel the stretch of space between them. They’ve never been so far apart, she realizes. She’d been on the _Supremacy_ that one time, but they’d been a few scant lightyears away. She could still feel him close by the entire time they’d been on the mission.

But now?

Now she doesn’t know.

“How are we going to get him back?” she murmurs, more to herself than Luke, but when she finally looks up at him, he’s watching her with kind eyes.

“Have I ever told you the story about my time on Dagobah?”

Her eyebrows draw low and she shakes her head. “What does that have to do with…”

“This? Well, a lot. I think.” He shrugs. “I was training with Master Yoda when I knew my friends were in trouble. I didn’t know at the time _how_ I knew, but for a moment, I could see them, _feel_ them.”

“Leia,” she realizes. The bond they have with each other, twins separated at birth, never knowing each other and yet _knowing_ each other…somehow.

“Yes. And I rushed off to them. My training was far from complete. I didn’t know where they were exactly. I didn’t know what I was walking into. But I _found_ them. And together we saved each other.”

She’s stares down at the lightsaber that’s sitting across her lap. “And so you think Ben and I…” Her voice drifts off.

Luke stands then, puts his hand on her shoulder briefly. “I have no doubt of it. The bond you have…it’s stronger than the one Leia and I have. You’ll find your way back to each other.”

She looks up at him. “And if we don’t?”

Something dark crosses Luke’s face and for a moment, she feels her heart freeze, her stomach twist. Then it passes and she wonders if it had ever been there to start with. “Get some rest, Rey. We’ll be back soon.”

He turns to leave then, and her eyes focus back on the window. “I loved him.” Her voice is quiet. “You know that, don’t you?”

When she turns back toward Luke, he’s stopped in the doorway, one hand on the frame. His head is bowed, and she watches him take a deep breath. “Love,” he responds with. “You _love_ him. He’s not gone. No one is ever really gone.”

She shudders at that.

“I mean it, Rey. Get some rest. We have long days ahead of us.”

* * *

He’s right about that much, Rey realizes some days later. Their return was greeted with solemnity, worry, tinged with a terror people try so hard to hide. She could feel Rose watching her, could feel Finn’s concern and even Poe’s fear. They were supposed to return triumphant, the three Jedi having slayed the savage beast. Instead, one of their triumvirate is gone, stolen away by Snoke’s minions to the Force only knows where.

Luke is beaten down, shoulders turned inward just a bit. He watches his sister, his best friend, with eyes that speak to sorrow and a fear she’s not sure he’s experienced in years.

Rey is lost.

She holes herself up in her room with what Jedi texts she’s gotten from Luke. She can feel Ben out there, somewhere. The cord between them is in tatters, the bond muted. She tries to reach out more than once. The first time she almost gets through but then the door is slammed, _hard_. Ben does not want her to break through and that _terrifies_ her. She needs to know where he is, what’s going on. She has to break through somehow.

Nights are restless. She is pulled into dark dreams that she’s not sure are her own. She can feel that malevolent force she knows is Snoke moving in and around her in the dreams, can feel his icy claws reaching out, trying to drag her in. She follows footsteps she can hear in the dark into doorways that are closed to her.

Time and time again.

She wakes with a gasp, brain in a fog.

She drinks caf, so much caf.

She meets with Luke over the first few days as she tries to hash out _how_ to get Ben back, how to save him, how to take out Snoke. They come up empty-handed. Without her connection to Ben, they don’t know where he is. She only knows that he’s alive. Snoke has not ended his life…yet. But she worries. Oh, how she worries. For him, for her, for the entire Resistance and what his being stolen away means for them.

He was their link, after all, a sort of lifeline that kept the Resistance moving forward, making progress. The First Order was not quite defeated, but their supply lines had been cut, mines shut down, children and young adults rescued from a life of servitude and brainwashing.

Without him?

It’s not going well.

She knows this, and so she shouldn’t be surprised when not only Rose and Finn approach her, but Poe as well.

It comes with a knock on her door late into the evening a couple weeks after they’ve returned. She’s barely seen any of her friends and a part of her feels pretty awful about that. But she’s been reading texts, talking to Luke, trying to reach out.

She hits a blank wall most times.

But once in awhile, she feel _something_ come through the bond. Pain, fear, _anger_. Once, the feeling of electricity danced down her arms and left her reeling, sliding down the wall in one of the hallways, eyes squinted shut from the phantom pain. It hasn’t come like that in some time at least, but the fear is always there.

“Finn,” Rey says when she opens the door, and there’s an honest warmth there. He still watches her with somewhat wary eyes, but the last couple weeks she’s noticed something new in that look…fear.

“Can we come in?”

Rey looks from one to the other. They all look grim. She’s not noticed before the dark circles beneath Poe’s eyes, the lines around Rose’s downturned mouth, the exhaustion etched into the lines of Finn’s face. They all look older, somehow, and it hits her like a punch to the gut.

She waves them in and the door shuts almost noiselessly behind them.

No one speaks for a moment.

And then everyone starts, cutting off almost immediately. Rose laughs, but there’s something harsh and almost fake to the sound.

“Are you alright?” Finn finally asks.

“I…” Is she? No. No, the man she loves, the man she’s bonded to, is gone, taken back to where he started. She doesn’t know, even if they rescue him, if they’re going to get back Ben Solo or Kylo Ren. Will they have to start all over again? Will there be anything left of him after Snoke has his way? “I’m surviving.”

The others nod almost in unison, grim-faced and quiet. “We need him back,” Poe finally says.

Finn and Rose shoot him a look.

Rey blinks once and then focuses on him. “You hate him.”

Finn clears his throat. “Well, I mean…”

“You do,” Rey says, crossing her arms over her chest. “Or did you forget your warnings to me?” She raises one eyebrow. “He’s _Kylo Ren_ , Rey. I just hope you know what you’re doing, Rey. Did you forget who he’s killed, Rey?”

“That was before,” Finn mutters.

“Before?”

“He’s been helping us, okay?” Poe interjects with. “Every attack we’ve led against the First Order has come about because of his information.”

“Without him,” Finn says and then raises his hand. “We’re coming up empty-handed. The raid yesterday…” His voice cracks on the final syllable, and he takes a deep breath. Rose reaches out a hand to grasp his.

“We lost half the group,” Rose says and there’s a tightness to her voice.

“Oh Force,” Rey murmurs.

“So yeah,” Finn says. “We don’t like him. But we _need_ him.”

Rey sits down heavily on her bed, head in her hands. “I don’t know where he is.”

“Snoke took him?” Poe asks.

She nods. “His guards did. Snoke wasn’t there. He was some sort of…realistic hologram. I’ve never seen anything like it before. I could _feel_ him there, could see him. There was nothing that indicated he wasn’t there until Ben sent my lightsaber through him. And he laughed.”

The others shudder.

“Is he really scary?” Rose asks. “I mean, I’ve heard about it but no one has _met_ him.”

And Rey has to stop and think about that, really. He’s _terrifying_ , but to look at? He’s frail, dressed in what amounts to nightclothes. She can’t quite tell if he’s human or something that approximates a human. But the way he rips into her mind, his _power_. “Yes,” she finally says. “He’s not someone you ever want to cross paths with.”

She leaves it at that, and they all fall silent. 

“I’m doing everything I can to find a way to him,” Rey finally says.

Finn and Poe watch her for a moment, and finally Poe nods. “If there’s anything you need from us…”

“We’ll let you know. Luke and I? We’re working on it. We just don’t know the best way to accomplish what we need to accomplish.”

They stand then and Finn puts a hand on her shoulder. “I know you’ll find a way. You _have_ to. Without him, we’re just shooting blanks in the dark.”

The three move out of her room and as Finn and Poe start heading down the corridor, Rose turns back. “ _Are_ you alright?” she asks, and Rey can feel tears pricking the corners of her eyes.

“I’m fine,” Rey starts to say, but Rose just shakes her head, frowns.

“You’re not.”

“I’m drowning,” she whispers. “I…I should not have left him there. Not having seen what Snoke can do, not after everything.”

“You love him,” Rose says. It’s such a simple statement, that. But it hits her hard, taking her breath away for a moment. She sucks in some air, worries she might just up and hyperventilate if she’s not careful. “It’s okay. We’ll get him back, Rey. We have to.”

And then she’s gone, racing down the corridor to catch up with Finn and Poe. Rey is left standing in her doorway. And she hopes Rose is right.

But she wonders, not for the first time, how many lives they’ll have to sacrifice to take out Snoke and get Ben Solo back.

* * *

She meets with Luke so many times over the next week that she alternates between frustration and exhaustion. She feels…helpless. She can sense Ben out there, somewhere, but it’s like someone took the cord between them and stretched it thin, or wrapped it in towels to keep it muted. What had once been so bright, so _vibrant_ , now felt distant.

And more so all the time.

She doesn’t tell him that, not exactly. Doesn’t let him know that she fears he’s slipping away, that Snoke is finding some way to sever their connection.

She keeps fighting.

She doesn’t know what else to do.

“Relax,” Luke tells her during one of their meditation sessions. “Reach out.”

“I’ve _been_ reaching out.”

“Reach out harder.”

She mutters something under her breath. Luke gives her one of his calm, curious stares. “Kriff, I can’t find him.”

“You’re connected,” he points out.

“I’m aware of that.”

“Find the thread, try to grab it and hold on, pull your way to him.”

Rey lets out a huff of breath. “I can’t even grab ahold of it. Don’t you _realize_? If I could…”

“I know this is difficult.”

“You have no idea,” she mutters. She closes her eyes, though, tries to find that faint thread that connects them. She can barely believe how threadbare it is, how much of it Snoke has managed to break down. It’s only been a few weeks, but already she feels like a part of her has been cut off. There’s been this other _thing_ there, residing in her, just a flash of darkness inside her that has, over time, become a comfort to her.

Every time she tries to grab onto their connection, it slips from her grasp.

She can see it.

But she can’t get ahold of it.

She goes deeper into her mind, pressing inside further. _Come on_. She has to be able to find her way to him. It’s the only chance they have. They assume he’s on the _Supremacy_ , but right now no one knows where that ship is located. Find the _Supremacy_ , find Snoke, find Ben Solo. And then destroy Snoke. Destroy the First Order.

Destroy them all.

“Focus,” she hears Luke murmur.

She pulls inward, taking a deep breath. There’s one small thread there, shining bright in the darkness somewhere between her and Ben. She reaches out, grasps it. Her fingers hold solidly to it.

And then she gives a small tug.

Just a little one, but she feels the reverberations.

_Rey_. His voice is small, faint, as if it’s coming from parsecs away. But in that one tiny syllable of her name she hears something like _hope_.

_Ben_. She reaches out, tries to grasp at him through the Force. _We need to know where you are. We need to save you_.

_You can’t_ , comes his voice again.

And before she can do anything, the thread slips from her grasp. She tries to hold onto it, oh does she try to, lunging forward. But it’s gone, disappearing into the dark. The bond is still there, the threadbare parts of it dark and unmoving. She can still feel him out there somewhere.

Her eyes open and she lets out a small gasp.

“You found him,” Luke says.

Rey meets his eyes, shakes her head. “No. Well, I did. Almost?” She can feel tears pricking at the edge of her eyes, can feel her vision clouding a bit. He’s alive. _Broken, but alive_. “He says he can’t be saved.”

Luke nods, mouth set in a grim line. “That’s Snoke talking, no doubt.”

“Is it?” She doesn’t know, not really. She didn’t feel Snoke there in that exchange. Ben shut it down so quickly that she couldn’t get a sense of where in space he was, where Snoke was. She couldn’t _see_ him, not like they sometimes could in their bond. She could just… _feel_ him…somewhere.

“Snoke is getting to him,” Luke adds.

“Do you think he’ll fall again?” It’s the question she hasn’t wanted to ask, the one that’s haunted her at night. He fell before, Snoke’s manipulation taking him to the brink of killing his own father. She’s felt the pull of the darkness and light inside him, the dark always desperate to take him back. It had him once. It could have him again, if only he would heed its siren call.

“I wish I had an answer to that, Rey. I really do.” Luke sighs, and she’s surprised to see his eyes squint a bit, as if the whole thing pains _him_. “He has a better chance this time,” he admits.

“He does?”

Luke nods. “The last time he had no one. That was my fault as much as anyone’s.”

“Hans’s and Leia’s too,” Rey interjects with.

“He felt abandoned and unloved. My sister sent him to me, thinking I was the only one who could, I guess, _handle_ him. And I did. Poorly,” he says, holding up a hand to stop her from saying anything else. “I taught him what I knew, but I also never paid attention. I didn’t see how far he’d gone, how _deep_ Snoke was in him until it was too late. And then he brought a hut down on my head and left the place in ruins.”

“Have you talked to him about that moment?”

Luke shakes his head. “I’m not sure he’ll ever talk to me about it. It was a terrible mistake made on my part. I’ve not atoned for it, not yet. But maybe getting him back, maybe saving him _will_ atone for it. In some way.”

“Ben…” Rey starts to say. She can’t presume to speak for him. He’s come _so far_ , so damned far. She’s seen it in the way he interacts with others, in the way he interacts with her. But it’s more than that. She can see it in the set of his shoulders, can _feel_ it inside him.

He's been calmer. There have been moments of actual humor. She’s seen him _smile_. She knows, just below the surface, there’s been that roiling that is Snoke, but whenever they touch, whenever they came together, the bond forging a sort of intimacy she never could have even imagined, there’s _peace_.

It’s a peace she’d give her very life to return to.

She finally manages to get out the words. “Ben…I think he might forgive you. If we can get him back.”

Luke nods. “Good. That’s….good. I can only hope.” He stands then, holds out a hand to help her to her feet. She feels a little twisted up after attempting to meditate for so long. “Get some rest. We’ll keep trying until we find him.”

“And then where do we go from there?”

Luke pauses, meets her eyes, and finally shakes his head. “I don’t know.” Then he’s gone, disappearing out of the door. And Rey is left with a knot in her stomach. If Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master, has no idea how they’re going to save Ben from Snoke, what chance do they have?


	41. Chapter 41

Four weeks, she realizes. No, four weeks and three days since Snoke had reclaimed Ben Solo. They’ve heard little out of the First Order during that time. There have been clashes, but mostly ones that have gone poorly for the Resistance.

Leia has drummed up support from the Chandrillans and they’ve offered troops, ships, weapons.

But it’s not _enough_.

They need Ben.

_Rey_ needs Ben.

Sometimes, in the dark of night, she can still feel him there, curled up behind her, the bond warm and fuzzy with their physical contact, sated as they were before they’d been torn apart. She goes through her life in those weeks in a bit of a fog, alternating between anger and despair, both tinged with a bit of hope she doesn’t dare hold too tightly to.

She meets with Luke. Every day, until he tells her to take a day off, to sleep. _You’ll be useless to Ben like this_ , he points out one afternoon as she pulls herself out from another meditative trance. Each time she goes further, deeper. Once, Luke has to physically grip her shoulders, shake her a little to bring her back.

He worries.

She can see it in the lines around his grim-set mouth, in his faded blue eyes. He worries and he doesn’t know what to do. He makes her eat. Finn and Rose do too, coming to her room and taking her to the dining room, piling her plate high with stuff and sitting there, concerned looks on their faces, to make sure she gets enough to eat.

_You’ll be useless to him like this_ , they tell her.

And yet she can’t pull herself out of it.

She takes her lightsaber to dummies in a practice room, destroying a number of robots, watching their heads fly clean off. She imagines they’re Snoke. All of them, and she goes after them with a snarl, hacking and slashing. Sometimes she remembers her forms, sometimes it’s all just fury.

But through it all, _she cannot find him_. He has cut himself off to her, and it aches like a phantom limb. The sharp tang of loss, the feeling that something is never quite right. She loves him. And she lost him.

_And you never got to tell him_.

She’s sure he knows. He must know it, the self-sacrificing kriffing idiot. Sometimes she’s mad at _him_ , for giving in so easily. But she knows why he did. And it settles like the weight of a thousand suns on her shoulders.

He did it for her. To save her.

His disappearance from the Force, from their bond, she’s sure is as much to protect her as anything else. If he doesn’t connect with her, maybe Snoke can’t find her. But she _needs_ to find Ben. Find Ben and she finds Snoke. Find Snoke and they can end him. There’s not going to be any hiding this time.

No one has discussed the plan, but Rey is ready to go in with lightsaber drawn and guns blazing. The sneak attack didn’t work. It was planned down to the tiniest detail and it _failed_. They retreated, licking their wounds and losing one of their most important members.

Four weeks, three days. She doesn’t know how much longer she can hang on, living in near-luxury while Ben must be living in a hell of Snoke’s making. She’s restless, exhausted, sleep never coming easy.

She curls into bed that night, still with no success. She’s promised everyone she would try to sleep more, that she wouldn’t let her need to find him completely consume her. _You’re strong, Rey_ , Rose tells her after dinner one night, a hand on her arm and kindness in her dark eyes. _You’ll find him. And we’ll get him back_.

She can only hope that’s true. As she curls up, staring into the darkness around her, she sends all her hopes and wishes into the Force. Maybe through sheer will, she can pull Ben to her.

* * *

His head shoots up.

It’s still dark in the room they have him in.

He hangs limply from the manacles that keep him tied to the durasteel wall behind him.

He never gets to see light, doesn’t even know how many days have passed. He’s fed…sometimes. When the guards remember at least.  He can’t really count days by those.

He can’t count them by meetings with Snoke either. There are some days he’s sure he’s dragged into his throne room multiple times. Sometimes Snoke just watches him as he kneels on the ground, face bloody, bruises on one cheek and a cut from above his eyebrow dripping blood into his eye.

_What a disappointment_ , Snoke croons at him. _Grandson of Vader, nothing more than a traitor to the cause. And why is that, Kylo Ren?_

He tries to shout at him, tries to tell him his name is Ben Solo, but he’s beaten back, tossed around like so much flotsam. Even now, hanging in this room, his muscles aching, his body tired and wishing for an end to it all, he can feel the lightning course across his skin, through his veins.

Snoke is never going to let him go.

It’s hopeless.

Sometimes he wonders what would happen if he just gave in.

But then he sees Rey’s face, then he remembers the way she felt in his arms, and he steels himself for the next round of Force lightening, the next round of vibro-blades and blaster shots he can just barely deflect with the Force.

_Ben?_ comes a cautious voice and he stares into the darkness around him.

No.

She can’t be here.

Not even through the Force. If Snoke senses her, if he finds his way to her and the Resistance through their connection, he will end them all with a brutality they’ve never seen, never imagined. He can’t let that happen. Not to Rey. Not to his parents. Not even to Luke.

_Go away_.

_Ben? It_ is _you_. And then she’s there, in front of him. She’s a breath of fresh air, but she looks…well, like absolute hell. Oh kriff. She looks as tired as he is.

_Rey, you can’t be here. Go back._

_It’s our dreams, Ben_ , she whispers, and he can feel the air of her breath ghost over him. _They’re connecting us_.

He can feel the truth of that coming through the bond, and he closes his eyes. _Rey_ … There’s so much he wants to tell her, but he can’t, won’t. He needs to push back, push her away. The bond has been a threadbare thing since he was brought in to Snoke. It goes more threadbare all the time as the creature digs in, tries to break it completely.

Ben is sure he’ll die if he breaks it.

That might not be such a bad thing, really.

_Ben, stop. You can’t think like that_.

And there’s the Rey he loves so much. Stubborn and idealistic to a fault. Only Rey would come find him there, only Rey would find a way to break though.

_I haven’t_. Her voice in his mind sounds almost petulant. _I’ve been trying, but I haven’t found a way to get through to you._

_What is this then?_

_The Force_. And he can feel it, the bond between them. It’s drawn tight, a few bits of it repaired. The Force is connecting them. To what end, he doesn’t know.

_Ben_ …He watches as she reaches out a hand to him. And he wants to reach out, so bad, wants to touch her, hold her. He tries to move one of his arms toward her, but can’t get further than a few inches. Rey is the one who crosses that final barrier, touching her fingers to his.

Everything goes white.

He hears her gasp.

He sees something, just flashes…Rey standing on a cliff overlooking the sea, his parents embracing, Finn clapping him on the back and even Poe watching him with something that looks less like the animosity he’s used to from him. Rey turns to smile at him.

She’s gone when he opens his eyes and he tries to take in a deep breath, his chest almost painful in the aftermath. The warmth of her hand, of her presence, dissipates and once again he’s left in darkness, in despair. Those images were everything he wanted. They had been awash in peace, in the feeling that all was right in the world.

They’re his hopes and dreams.

And they’re not real.

They can never be real.

_You can’t save me, Rey. It’s too late…_

* * *

Rey’s thrown almost forcibly out of his mind, coming to on the floor of her room. For a moment, she can still feel the soft touch of his fingers against hers, can feel him breathe in time with her. _Ben_ , she tries to venture forth with.

But he’s gone.

She can’t feel him in the Force again and when she closes her eyes, she can see the bond is still half unraveled, broken in parts. But there are parts of it, still bound together with all the love she can imbue it with.

She knows where he is, where the _Supremacy_ is, where Snoke is. It’s not _enough_ , not really, but it’s a start. If they can get themselves together, implement a plan, then they have half a chance.

With a sigh, she pushes to her feet, sways a bit. When she takes a step forward, the room spins and she reaches out to grab the nearest wall, almost tumbling to the ground. Her mind is still half out there, with him, tied to that wall.

_Kriff_ , but he looked terrible. Beautiful and terrible at the same time. Bloody, beaten, but still so proud. Snoke has dressed him back in the trappings of Kylo Ren, but she can still feel some bits of Ben Solo there beneath the exterior. He hasn’t fallen yet.

But he’s close.

Oh so close.

With a shiver, she grabs her wrap and leaves her room. She doesn’t know where she’s going. Her late-night wanderings usually take her to Ben’s room where they hold each other tight and explore each other at their leisure. Sometimes quick, sometimes slow, but every moment wondrous. She misses that. She misses _him_.

Her footsteps take her to the roof of the building. Up there it’s peaceful, the lights of the city twinkling below her, the ocean so close she can almost reach out to touch it. She wants to swim in it, feel the water around her, even if the idea is terrifying. She wants _Ben_ to show her. He grew up here, after all. This is his world as much as any other, spending time here as his mother met with the Chandrillans in her official capacity as a senator. She’s sure he’s spent time in the ocean there, racing along the hills.

There’s no doubt that he was a serious child and a serious young man. He still doesn’t laugh easily, doesn’t show the signs of easy camaraderie that even Finn does, despite his upbringing. But she can still see him there, a little black-haired kid raised among the calm Chandrillans and peaceful animals like the squalls.

She almost doesn’t hear the door open and someone else make their way onto the roof. “I always loved coming up here when I was younger.”

She turns to find Leia standing a few feet behind her, looking out over the lights of the city. She looks tired, her eyes dark and troubled.

“It’s a lovely city,” Rey ventures.

Leia nods. “It is. It always has been.” She sighs. “I spent too much time here, back when Ben was small. Too much time wrapped up in Senate duties. My heart was never in the right place.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.” Rey lets the words drift off. She’s heard enough, seen enough from Ben to know how _he_ felt about his upbringing. His often-absent father, his mother too involved in her politics to see his cries for help, his uncle who only saw it all too late.

And Snoke.

Always Snoke.

“I wish it weren’t.” Leia offers a soft smile. “I wonder, sometimes, if I could go back, if I could be there for him…would Snoke still have gotten to him?”

Rey doesn’t answer for a moment. She’s not really sure _what_ to say. She’s not some sort of omniscient being who can see what might have happened. But the one thing she _does_ know, from being exposed to the horror that is Snoke, is that he doesn’t give up easily. He had lured them all in, had almost captured her, all in a bid to bring Kylo Ren back home to him. He had waited. He had bided his time. And then struck when that time was right.

She turns and looks at Leia then. Her eyes are still staring out at the lights of the city. She seems small, standing there so far above everything. “I think so,” Rey finally says. “Snoke…he gets inside you, finds your weakness, and he preys on it.”

Hers is for Ben.

And Snoke knew that. He used not only her love for him against her, but _his_ love for her against him. Snoke knew. She tried to keep it from him, tried to hide those emotions, but Snoke _knew_. And he plucked at that bond and used it to his advantage.

“He didn’t get to you,” Leia says, and reaches out a hand to touch Rey’s.

Rey takes a deep breath. “He almost did.” The words are a mere whisper. “I’ve fought him off with every bit of strength I have. I think my only saving grace was that he had to get to me _through_ Ben. And Ben was able to close us off to him.”

Leia says nothing for a moment, her hand still on Rey’s, eyes watching the city around them. Below, Rey can see speeders racing through the darkened streets, can see some people milling about. It’s such a peaceful, everyday sort of thing. And here she is, standing high above it and wondering just what her place _is_.

“You’re calling him Ben now,” Leia points out.

Rey can feel her cheeks heat a bit. “Yes.”

“I’m glad,” Leia says.

“I love him,” she blurts out. She claps a hand over her mouth. Always a problem for her, running her mouth of like that. It’s not like it’s not the truth, but she hadn’t planned to tell her. Not in this way at least. Not without Ben there.

_Not before telling Ben_.

When she finally turns to Leia, the older woman is watching her with knowing eyes. “It’s not easy loving Solo men.”

Rey actually feels a small bit of laughter bubble to the surface. And she almost feels _bad_ about laughing, considering everything that’s going on. But there’s a brightness to her eyes, a little bit of wetness at the corners that makes Rey feel a little relieved. “Han was so difficult?”

Leia offers a huff of laughter. “You know Han. Imagine him thirty years younger. He was stubborn, never took no for an answer, and never _ever_ talk to him about the odds being against him.”

“He did the Kessel run in twelve parsecs,” Rey murmurs.

“Did I mention he was also foolish and took far too many risks?”

“So a lot like Ben, then?” She thinks of him being dragged off by Snoke’s guards, thinks of his being chained to a wall, of turning himself back over to the monster.

“Ben got all of my hot-headedness and all of his father’s stubbornness.” Leia shakes her head at this. “He never had a fair shot.”

“I’ve not seen you as…”

“Hot-headed?” Leia asks, a smile playing about her lips. “Oh, talk to Han sometime.” She waves a hand in the air. “Or talk to my brother. I certainly have my temper. I’ve learned, over many years, to control it.” She offers up a small huff of laughter at that. “Usually, at least. Ben knows how to push all my buttons. So does his father.”

Rey thinks back to her arguments with Ben, the duel on Ahch-to, the sparring sessions that came a little too close to real for comfort. “I can’t imagine that at all,” she murmurs.

“No?” Leia says, and she can hear the surprise in the single syllable. But then she turns to look at her, and Rey sees her nod. “Ah yes, you _do_ understand. Keep that in mind, Rey. These Solo men, they don’t _mean_ to push all your buttons, but they will. They’ll keep pushing at them until you snap. Han and I were estranged for many years…”

“Things are better now?”

Leia nods, just a small incline of her head. “They’re…improving.”

“That’s something at least?”

“Yes. Yes I suppose it is. I think having Ben back helped. Everything felt more…” She waves a hand in the air. “Settled, I guess.”

Rey’s not sure what to say to that. It had been tentative at best, Ben making some sort of amends with his parents, with his uncle. But more, them making amends with Ben. Luke had admitted where he’d gone wrong. Han and Lea were coming to terms with the parts they’d played in Ben’s downfall. “It was,” she finally manages to get out. “I’m sorry,” she starts to say when Leia raises a hand.

“Don’t. It’s not your fault he was taken.”

“It was,” Rey admits, her voice quiet. This is the truth of her misery. They had had _her_. Not him. And while perhaps she was nothing more than a distraction, if Snoke’s words were to be believed, she still could have let them take her and not Ben. He could be back here with his parents, with his uncle. Why should _she_ be here and not him? She’s a nobody, a nothing. She has no family, save the one she’s trying to create here.

Han and Leia deserve their son.

“Rey.” She puts her hand on her shoulder, turns her and offers her a hug. And it takes _everything_ in her to not break down and sob on the smaller woman’s shoulder. She should, after all, be offering Leia the comfort and not the other way around. She’s lost her son to a monster, and not for the first time. This must be so difficult for her, seeing it all happen again, knowing that every bit of ground they’d gained could be lost again. Leia pulls away and looks up at her and there is something absolutely resolute about the look on her face. “It’s the strength of his love for you that brought him home.”

“I…” No, that’s not right. He didn’t love her, not then. She doesn’t know when it happened, but not _then_.

“I know my son,” Leia says. “He wouldn’t have come home for his father. He wouldn’t have come home for me. There was something else driving this. It took me a little while to see it, but once I did, it was as clear as day.”

Tears prick at the corners of Rey’s eyes at her words. “I know where he is,” she whispers. “I saw him. Tonight.” She takes a deep breath. “The Force…it connected us. I don’t think it was even my doing, nor his. But I _know_.”

And it scares her, if she really wants to think about it. Terror screaming down the muscles of her back, making the hair stand up on edge.

They have to face Snoke, for real.

They have to get back Ben Solo.

They _need_ to.

Leia nods. “Good.” She’s the general again. Rey can see it in the way she straightens her shoulders, the way her head comes up. “Tomorrow we make plans.” She steps toward the door that leads back down into the building.

Rey takes a deep breath, turns back to watching the city below her. She can hear Leia’s footsteps receding, the creak of the door as it opens.

“And Rey?”

She turns back to see Leia standing in the doorway, framed in light. She can’t make out her eyes or her expression, but she _feels_ it.

“Thank you,” Leia says.

Rey nods, tries to say something, but the words won’t come.

Leia raises a hand. “Now go get some sleep.” Here she pauses and Rey watches as she leans forward slightly. “I mean it, Rey. You’re no good to anyone half dead on your feet. Consider that an order from your general.”

Rey can’t help but smile at that. “Yes, Ma’am.”

Then Leia is gone, disappearing down the stairs, the door shutting with a dull thud behind her. Rey looks out over the city one more time and sends a thought out into the Force. _Please let us bring him home_. And then she turns and follows the same path Leia just did, slowly making her way back to her room with a renewed sense of purpose.


	42. Chapter 42

She’s pretty sure she’s bitten her nails to the quick. She’s never been one for nervous tics but today, especially, she can’t seem to keep still. She squirms in her seat. She sighs. She gets up to pace.

The others are watching her. She can feel their eyes on her.

Rose finally stands and tugs at her sleeve. “Rey?”

She starts and looks down at her friend. There’s tension there too, worry. She can see it in the new lines around her mouth. When did she get those, anyway? Rose has always been the hopeful one of the group, the one who keeps them going when times turn too dark.

“Sorry,” Rey murmurs.

Rose shakes her head. “He’ll be back soon.”

By _he_ , she means Poe. He’s been sent on a solo mission to verify the location of the _Supremacy_. He has a newly-cloaked X-Wing fighter to scout out the area. She knows she’s right. She’d seen it inside Ben’s head, where the _Supremacy_ drifted in orbit around some mining planet in the Outer Rim. She has no doubt they’re stripping the world of all its resources and probably enslaving its people too. That’s what the First Order _does_. Destroyer of worlds, enslaver of people, they care for nothing but gathering more and more power.

She shudders to think of Ben being a part of it, of being _back_ a part of it despite his fighting to get out.

“He’s here,” she hears someone say and almost as one everyone stops, looks up. She can see the X-Wing coming in for landing, looking no worse for wear. He hasn’t been caught. There’s that much at least.

It takes Poe little time to leap down from the ship, BB-8 rushing after him. He joins them all in the conference room they’ve taken to. It’s not the whole of the Resistance that’s there, but as Rey looks around, she realizes these are the people she’s going to make this last stand with. These are the people who are going to help her save Ben, stop Snoke and the First Order.

A shiver goes up her spine.

These people are her family, whether she knows them or not. Grim-faced, the stink of fear and worry about all of them. Any of them could be lost on the next raid, the next attack. The First Order could find them at any time.

All eyes are on Poe as he speaks, helmet still held under one arm. “They’re where Rey said they are.”

She lets out the breath she didn’t realize she was holding. _Good_. That answers one question. Though the _how_ of what they do next is still fairly prominent.

“There’s more,” Poe says. His eyes flit to Rey, then to Leia. “Kylo Ren is down on the planet overseeing their activities there.”

The room erupts into an absolute fury, shouts of dismay, of anger, of _I always knew he wasn’t part of us_.

Rey sits down heavily.

“I’m sorry, Rey,” Poe says. She nods and looks away. She can’t take his pitying look.

“I knew he was a traitor to our cause,” Finn says.

Rose reaches out a hand to grip him by the shoulder. “Is it possible…” she starts to say.

“No,” her sister says, Paige is standing nearby, arms crossed over her chest. She’s never trusted Ben. She’s been nice enough to Rey when she passes her in the hallway or sees her in the dining room. But she’s been more aloof with her ever since Ben had hugged her in front of most of the Resistance.

Rey stands. “No. Please…this isn’t Ben.”

“But it’s Kylo Ren,” Finn says, following after her. He grabs onto her arm and she shrugs him off. “I told you he was bad news. I should have known he couldn’t change like that.”

Rey turns away from him, faces Leia. Han is at her side and there’s a deep sadness in his eyes. “We had him,” she hears him whisper, and his arm goes around Leia.

“Wait!” Rey shouts, stepping over to them. “This isn’t Ben.” She reaches out a hand to Leia, to Han. “You know that. This is _Snoke_. Ben didn’t want to go with them.” Her whisper is fervent. Leia finally looks at her and nods.

And then Rey turns to the rest of the room, takes a deep breath. She’s not the sort to speak up or take the lead, usually prefers to blend into the background. Do her part, but not be the lead. Yet here…now. She’s the only one who’s going to fight for Ben.

And so she claps her hands.

And everyone stops talking and looks at her.

She can see Luke standing off to the side, expression serene, but then one side of his mouth quirks up and he nods. Just once.

“This isn’t what you think it is,” she says, her quiet voice sounding like thunder in the silence of the room. One person starts to speak, and she holds up a hand. “Ben Solo is a victim.” She takes a shuddering breath. “He’s had Snoke in his mind since he was a child. He’s a parasite who preyed on Ben’s feelings of neglect.”

Poe takes a step toward her and it takes everything in her to not step back. There’s a fire in his eyes and she knows… _she knows_ …he’s hoping to be the one to take out Kylo Ren. “How can you say such a thing?” She flinches at the strident tone to his voice. “You have to know who…

Rey feels the anger flit through her veins like fire. She leans toward him, offering him the same glare he’s giving her. She starts to say something, no idea what is even going to come out of her mouth, when Leia speaks up. “She’s right.”

Her voice sounds tired.

“General?” Poe asks.

“Stand down, Commander Dameron.” Leia shakes her head. Poe takes a step back, crosses his arms over his chest. “Rey is right,” she reiterates. “My son has been trapped into going back to Snoke.”

“Trapped.” Poe’s voice is flat. “General, I…”

Leia holds up a hand and he falls silent. “He gave his life for Rey’s,” she says quietly.

And oh kriff, here it all comes. The questions, the _why would he? What is she to him?_

Poe’s eyes move to Rey. She feels a bit like a bug under a microscope as he stares at her. She has to resist her natural inclination to squirm a bit at the scrutiny.

“Why?” is all Poe asks.

Finn steps forward, comes to stand close by him. He gives Poe a look and then nods at Rey. “I think we deserve to know.”

Their eyes are hard, their voices flinty. Rey looks over at Leia, bites her lip. But neither she nor the general need to say anything. Another steps up, putting her hand on Finn’s arm.

Rose.

Her face is soft.

She knows. She’s known for what feels like forever, has known about Rey’s mixed-up feelings for the former dark side apprentice, has known she went to him most nights. She caught her once, returning in just her nightclothes, feet bare, and no doubt looking thoroughly debauched. She knows. And more so, she _approves_. Rose has been the one bit of sanity in all of this for Rey, the one anchor she knows she can go to, talk to, who will dispense calm advice and a hug when needed.

“He loves her,” Rose says, and there’s a small smile playing about her lips. “Surely you all must know that by now.”

Rey swallows hard. They’re all watching her, waiting for her. “And I love him,” she finally says. She’s surprised at how clear her voice is.

Someone puts their hand on her shoulder, and she turns to find Han standing there. He’s been quiet through all of this, his mouth set in a grim line. She hasn’t been able to discern his feelings at all, so she’s surprised at the small half-smirk on his face. It resembles Ben’s so strongly that she feels it like a punch to the gut. “Good for you, kid. I’m glad someone does.” He shrugs then. “I guess this is welcome to the family.”

“We’re not out of the woods yet,” Leia says. “Not by a long shot.” She turns back to the group. “Now everyone _sit down_. We have plans to make.”

* * *

“How you holding up, kid?”

Rey glances up to see Han Solo standing in front of her table, tray loaded with food in hand. She shrugs. “You’re not going to eat all of that, are you?”

He gives a small huff of a laugh and sits in front of her. “Nope. _You_ are.”

“I…”

“You’re wasting away,” he says, picking up one of the pieces of fruit and setting it down in front of her. It’s small and delicate, a strange mix of purple and pink. It also happens to be her favorite. When she gives him a sharp look, he just smirks. “I notice these things.”

She takes the fruit from him and bites into it, letting the flavors burst over her tongue. It tastes, she thinks, a bit like a rainbow would taste. Bright, a mix of sweet and tart that is just right. “This world really does have amazing foods.”

Han nods. “Ben always thought so too.”

They fall silent after Ben’s name is brought into things. Ben…kriff, she didn’t know she could miss someone this much. She can still feel him, faintly, in the Force, but it sometimes feels like one of her limbs has been cut off. There’s this strange phantom pain where the bond rests.

“Do you…” she starts to say, clears her throat. “Do you think we have a chance?”

“Hell, if I know, kid.”

“I feel like everything is working against us.” She hates the way the despair creeps in. Some days she feels strong, capable, but then she thinks of Ben with his head bowed as Snoke’s men take him, sees him beaten and bloody, chained to a wall. And she wonders if there’s any hope.

“It may very well be,” Han says, and then he leans forward. “But you can’t think of that. It’ll cripple you. If I worried about the odds, I wouldn’t be here today.”

She knows what he’s talking about. For a moment, she’s back there, watching Kylo Ren face off against his father. One wrong move and it could have ended badly. Kylo Ren could have killed Han Solo, run him through with his lightsaber and let him fall that fateful day. But Han had taken the risk, had gone out to meet his son in a place so rife with danger, that even now she can still feel the tang of it on her tongue.

“I worry about the odds a lot.”

Han offers her a small smile. “Love does that to people.”

“I suppose,” she murmurs. “I’ve never loved anyone before.”

“Kid told me about your parents,” Han ventures and Rey draws in a sharp breath.

“Did he?”

“Well, he told me what he knows.”

Rey shrugs at that. “There’s not much to tell there, really. They left me on Jakku. I was five. They never came back.” What more is there to tell, really? She’s long since given up hope of their coming back, of finding them. It’s a huge galaxy out there and they could be anywhere.

“You’ve given up hope.”

She has to think about that. Has she? No, it’s more than that. It’s not so much that she’s given up on the family she never knew but has _found_ the family that perhaps she was meant to be. “No,” she finally says. “I’ve found my family.” She gives Han a hard look. “And I don’t intend to lose part of it. Not to Snoke.”

Han stands then, leans over to somewhat awkwardly clap her on the shoulder. He reminds her a bit more of his son then, strangely stiff and graceless in his movements. “Good. Keep that hope, kid. We’re gonna need it.”

She nods, and then he’s gone, leaving the large heaping of food he’d brought in front of her. He’s right. She knows he is.

They need hope.

That they can get Ben back.

That they can _win_.

That the First Order and Snoke can be vanquished once and for all.

* * *

They have a plan.

Well, no. They have the outline of a plan.

They’ve been spending far too much time arguing about it in meetings. Luke wants to use subterfuge, use Snoke’s tricks against him. Challenge him while not being there. But he’s not talking of a mere hologram. He’s talking about Force projection, and while Rey doesn’t know much about the Force, not like Luke does, she’s gleaned enough from the texts he keeps in his room to know that what he proposes is dangerous, possibly even life-threatening.

Leia disagrees with him, and that’s that. She won’t go forward with Luke’s plan. Rey watches as the twins exchange looks that are more than fondness. There’s an understanding and a deep abiding love and respect that she finds herself envious of.

Sometimes she wonders if she has a sibling, somewhere, out there in the universe. Did her parents leave just _one_ child, take another? They’re thoughts she has to banish, has to push side before they become obsessive.

Poe wants to rush in with guns blazing. There’s fire in his eyes as he suggests his plan. One final push. Take the whole fleet and rush in on the First Order. Bomb them, take out as many ships as possible. And finally take out the _Supremacy_ , but only after Rey and her team have managed to get off the ship.

It’s risky.

It’s probably a terrible plan.

But then she remembers Han’s _If I worried about the odds, I wouldn’t be here today_ , and she thinks, maybe, that it’s their best shot. Certainly the entire might of the Resistance coming at the First Order at once might be just the distraction needed to get in to take out Snoke.

“I think it’s a good plan,” she hears herself saying. The words are out almost before she’s even aware of them, and all eyes are on hers.

Including Poe’s. “Really?” The surprise in his voice almost makes her laugh.

“We may be smaller than the First Order, but the surprise will keep them off-kilter.”

The room explodes into a cacophony. She can hear snippets of arguments from some people, can hear shouts of agreement from others.

Some sound downright excited about it. She can see them wanting to go _now_. There’s still more planning, even for a plan as crazy as this one. But she feels the excitement in the room as the shouts reach a fever pitch.

And then Leia holds up her hand and the room quiets almost immediately. Rey narrows her eyes, and Leia glances her way for a moment. There’s a small smirk on her face and not for the first time, Rey realizes that Leia has more control over the Force than she gives on. She may not study it, she may not wield a lightsaber or meditate over the Jedi texts, but the Force is so strong in her that she uses it all the time.

And more, she’s _aware_ of that use.

When Rey looks at Luke, he’s smirking alongside his sister. He’s taught her everything she knows, Rey is sure of it. There are secrets between the Force-bonded twins that others may never know.

She’s surprised that there’s not that familiar pang of jealousy hitting her like it so often does. She just feels…settled…at that moment. She enjoys their exchange without feeling left out. It’s a good feeling.

_You’re home_ , she realizes, looking around at these people. They’re her family, come hell or highwater. She will defend them with everything she is.

“With the addition of the Chandrillan fleet, we’re looking good against the First Order,” Leia says. “And they’re pulling in more allies who will meet us at the rendezvous site.”

“You mean we have a chance,” Finn says, and there’s a bit of awe in the words.

“We do,” Leia says. And Rey sees her draw herself up tall. “We bring this fight to them.” The words are not just said to Finn. They carry throughout the room. “They wanted it. They’re going to get it. And they won’t expect us.” She steps away from Han, from Luke, and Rey watches as she takes in the whole of the room with her sweeping gaze. “They think we’re small. They think we’re _weak_.”

Rey watches as some nod. One man shouts, “We’re not weak!” And that gets a chuckle out of the group.

“No, we’re not. We have ships and ammunition. We have people who care. And that is more important than anything else. We’re not doing this to defeat the First Order.” A murmur goes through the crowd. “I know what you’re all thinking. Why _else_ would we be doing this? Remember why we fight, my friends, my family. We fight for _ourselves_. We fight for those we love. Not against those we hate.”

Finn steps forward then and faces the group. “Some of those you come against may have once been your comrades.” She knows he’s looking specifically at the Stormtroopers they rescued during their last unsuccessful attempt to take out Snoke. Many had, after much confusion, joined with Finn. He’d once been a traitor, but now _they_ were too. And she could easily tell which men and women were connecting with Finn through their common trauma. They stood a little taller when he spoke, as if gravitating to him as their leader. “It’s not going to be easy. Remember where you came from, remember you can’t hate these people. They were kids too, once, stolen away from their families and turned into mindless machines.”

A few still were, hidden away in cells on Chandrila, waiting until they could possibly help them with their trauma. Finn was determined to fight for them all. It was a noble thing, to be sure, and Rey wished her friend the best of luck.

“This is war,” Leia says, the words soft. “But don’t let it make monsters of you. Not like it has those in the First Order.”

And she knows, without the words being spoken, that she’s thinking of her son. He’d once been the monster, the masked and faceless monster that so many feared. She had never heard the name Kylo Ren before that day on Jakku when she escaped with Finn, when she heard of his obliterating villages as he looked for one small droid who had the means to destroy everything he stood for. She had never seen him before he came hunting her in the forests of Takodana, deflecting every blaster shot with terrifying ease.

He’d been everything her worst nightmares had shown her.

And she _had_ seen him there, so long ago, in her nightmares. A towering figure coming for her, red lightsaber crackling in the pouring rain. But sometimes she wonders if he had been coming for her or _defending_ her. She’d seen him cut down another black-clad masked being, one who looked very much like himself.

And not for the first time she wonders if there was symbolism there. Ben Solo striking down Kylo Ren, becoming who he was truly meant to be, becoming the person he had abandoned, left behind.

Had they been bonded back then too? In some small way? Have they _always_ been bonded?

She shakes her head and comes to as Leia wraps up her encouraging speech. “Now, go get some sleep everyone. Tomorrow we end this once and for all.”

The room erupts in cheers.

Rey looks around at everyone she has come to see as family, and wonders who will be there the next evening. Who will be celebrating? Who will be mourning?

It’s a sobering thought and with a quick nod to Leia and Han, she slips away. There’s much she needs to do in preparation for her role in this the next day, much she has to do to make sure she has the mental fortitude to see this through to the end.

She will get back Ben. No matter what happened, she _will_.

She will not stop until Snoke is dead and Ben Solo is back at her side where he belongs.


	43. Chapter 43

She meditates with Luke the night before the attack. She doesn’t know what else to do with herself really, and when he suggests getting herself centered, finding the core of her strength in the Force, she thinks it sounds like a brilliant idea.

“Can you feel him out there? On the currents of the Force?” Luke asks as she shuts her eyes.

She takes a deep breath, finds the tattered cord that connects them. “Yes,” she whispers. “I can still feel him.”

“Good,” Luke says. “There’s still enough of Ben in there. Snoke doesn’t have him completely.”

“Do you…” She takes a deep breath. “Do you think the bond would be shattered if Snoke got to him?”

Luke doesn’t say anything for a moment. She can hear him shift a bit and she almost opens her eyes, but she fears if she does, she’ll lose the thread.

“I think Snoke needs to break the bond to reclaim Kylo Ren.”

“He’s doing a good job of it,” she mutters, as her hands reach out to touch the tattered remains of their bond. The cord is still there, but dull, lifeless, rips and tears along the entire length. She tries to soothe it with her hands, feeling the vibrations, the hum that tells her Ben is out there somewhere.

He doesn’t answer.

He hasn’t since the last time she’d broken through.

She doesn’t know if it’s a good thing or not.

_I’m coming for you, Ben. Don’t give up_.

“Keep fighting for what you love, Rey. You’ll bring him home.” And in his voice, she hears a world of regret, and she wonders if that bit of hope is as much for him as for her. There’s still so much healing to do between them. They’ve moved forward, certainly, with Luke finally admitting what he’d done and that he was wrong. But it’s going to take so much more than that to heal the wounds between them.

She hopes they’ll have that chance.

* * *

Everyone is assembled and ready to go.

Rey takes a deep breath and looks around the hangar. It’s a busy place, with people rushing to their various ships, X-Wings and bombers and various transports to take them to within striking distance of the First Order fleet.

Leia stands to one side of her, Luke to the other. “I’ll be monitoring things from here,” she says.

“Understood,” Rey says.

Leia turns to her brother then and there’s a bit of mischief in her gaze. “If I say pull out, do it. I mean it.”

Luke grins. “Of course, General.”

She suspects the words are as much for her as they are for Luke. Leia knows she’ll do anything to get Ben back, but Leia is going to be monitoring the fleet and she’ll know if things take a turn for the worse, if they’re risking not only their own lives but everyone else’s. She hopes she’ll have the strength to do as the general commands if the time comes.

“I wish I were going with you,” Leia says with a sigh.

“You’re needed here,” Rey says, reaching out to put a hand on the older woman’s arm.

Leia nods.

Rey turns back to watching as everyone continues their preparations. She and Luke will be taking the Falcon right into the belly of the beast, as it were. It’s a risky mission and they didn’t dare ask anyone else to confront Snoke. That’s their responsibility, and they both know it. The rest of the fleet will be there to take the First Order to its knees.

They’re there to cut of its head.

Leia seems to acknowledge some sort of tacit signal and turns to them. “It’s time,” she says.

Rey shares a look with Luke, and then steps forward. Leia embraces her and Rey folds herself into the much smaller woman’s hug. When Leia steps back, there’s a bit of a sheen to her eyes. “Get my son back.”

Rey nods. “I will. I swear.”

Leia studies her for another moment, and then nods. “May the Force be with you, Rey.”

“Always,” Rey responds with.

A look passes between Luke and Leia and then he’s turning toward the ship. She watches as he takes a deep breath and then starts up the ramp.

Rey starts to follow, but there’s a commotion somewhere near the entrance to the hangar. She turns back to see Han and Chewie pushing their way through the crowd. “Han,” Leia says, turning to give him _that look_. She’s seen it before. Leia is a stern general. What she says goes, but Han is the one person who seems to be able to completely get under her skin and who still does whatever he wants.

“Hey Princess,” he says, and there’s that infamous Han smirk, all the charm the smuggler can toss at her.

Leia crosses her arms over her chest.  “What do you need?”

But Rey knows. She watches Han put his hand down over his blaster. “We’re going.”

Chewie roars his agreement.

“Han, we’re too old for this.”

He shrugs. “Luke’s going,” he points out.

“Luke is a Jedi.”

“And I’m still a crack shot with a blaster. Chewie can handle himself.”

Chewie roars again.

“ _Han_.”

“ _Leia_ ,” he echoes in much the same tone. But then he steps closer to her and his voice softens. “He’s my son. That bastard almost destroyed him before. I won’t let him do it again.”

Leia watches him for another moment and then finally sighs. “Just…don’t get yourself killed, okay?”

“It’ll take more than that bastard Snoke to take me down.” Leia shakes her head and Han steps forward, pulling her into his arms. “I promise, sweetheart. I’m coming back. And our son is too.”

Leia nods against his chest and then finally pushes back. “Go on then. Time’s wasting.” Chewie leans down and hugs her too and then with one final look at Leia, at all those gathered in the hangar, Rey rushes up the ramp with Han and Chewie at her heels.

* * *

It’s not so easy getting in this time. When the fleet drops out of hyperspace, the First Order is ready. She’s not sure how. She tries not to even think on it. She can feel Ben out there, somewhere, but there’s a darkness there that she hasn’t felt since she watched him stand across from his father and make the decision to return with him.

He had teetered on the edge then.

It was so _easy_ for him to fall. And she knows he fears it would be easy for her too. She’s filled with a rage that Luke has not been able to quench, that no amount of meditation and _This is the Jedi way_ has been able to put out. It’s a fire that _rages_ inside her, just one hair’s breadth from sending her over the edge too.

As the Falcon flies closer to the _Supremacy_ , she feels it again, that pull to the darkness. The rage, the fear, the _desperation_. She has to get Ben back, not only for herself, but for his parents, for his uncle, for all their friends who are counting on them to lead the way.

She’s thankful that Han is there. He’s able to push the Falcon to her limits without tipping it over the edge, weaving and dodging the shots fired their way. Chewie takes out several TIE fighters as they make their way closer to the First Order’s flagship. She’s still not entirely sure of Hans’s plan to simply _fly_ the thing into the ship. It’s not that the _Supremacy_ isn’t massive. It’s a large city unto itself, housing some two million people and ships. But the plan is crazy.

She really shouldn’t expect anything else, if she’s going to be honest with herself.

Han Solo lives on the edge, taking risks the likes of which no one else would dare. And this is daring. A full-frontal assault is happening around them, X-Wings weaving and dodging fire and occasionally taking it. With each one who goes down, Rey flinches, watching as Han chases the TIE fighters and Chewie picks them off one at a time. The larger ships of the Chandrillan fleet do their damage from further away, and the Resistance bombers hover nearby, just waiting to dump their explosive cargo on the hull of the First Order ship.

And they will, she’s been told.

If they can get to it, they will take it out, whether or not the Falcon has made it off.

It’s dangerous.

And Han just grins at her and tells her to not tell him the odds of survival. They’ll get out. They got off Starkiller. They’ve gotten out of tighter spots than this. And don’t forget the Kessel Run, as if he’d ever let her ( _twelve parsecs, not fourteen!_ ).

Han almost…seems like he’s having fun. Cocky grin in place, cheering on Chewie as he picks off the TIEs and for every bit of progress they make toward the hangars. They’re close now, and Rey sees the X-Wings come up on either side of them.

This is the tricky part.

They need to protect them on all sides as they take out the tech that controls the shields around the hangar. They have only one shot at this. If they miss, it’s over for them. They’ll never get to Snoke. They’ll have to turn back or be beaten down by the canons of the First Order.

Rey holds her breath as they get closer, zeroing in on the target.

Luke stands.

She turns to glance at him. He’s almost quivering with some sort of emotion. And then he turns and races off.

A moment later she hears Chewie roar, followed by Luke’s shouting. “We don’t have time for this. Get out!”

Chewie stomps into the cockpit a moment later and roars.

Han laughs. “I knew that kid would do it.”

Chewie roars again.

“What? You know he has all that Force mumbo-jumbo. I’m sure you remember the Death Star…”

Another roar from Chewie and Rey almost laughs at the indignant tone to his voice.

“Just let it go, Chewie. We need to focus!” Chewie roars again. “I _said_ let it go!”

The Falcon jerks and Chewie roars as he throws himself into the co-pilot’s seat. It would all be _funny_ if it weren’t for the very real possibility of all of them losing their lives in this. And it may not even be the TIE fights or the dreadnaught’s canons or the Stormtroopers or Snoke.

It might be their own people. It’s terrifying to know they could get _so close_ and lose their lives anyway.

She watches as Han flips the Falcon, dodging some fire and then straightens it out again.

“Now, kid!” he shouts.

“I’m not a kid!” she hears from down below. Lasers shoot out from the Falcon and she watches the surface canon erupt in flames. Han lets out a whoop of joy. Chewie roars.

Luke comes back up and just shakes his head. “Get us in, Han.”

With a nod, Han turns back to the controls and guides the Falcon into the hangar.

It’s strangely quiet there, deserted save for a couple Stormtroopers left to guard. They’re on instant alert as soon as the Falcon makes it’s way into the hangar, but Chewie rushes back into the gunwell and easily picks the two off before they’re able to sound an alarm.

“That was too easy,” Rey mutters.

Luke nods. “He’s waiting for us.”

He doesn’t have to say who _he_ is. She knows. They all know. Even the grin that seems to always be on Hans’s face fades away. Chewie lets out a soft whine.

“You need to guard her, Chewie,” Han says, his voice soft. He stands, putting his hand on Chewie’s furry shoulder. “Get out of here if we’re not back before they set the bombers on this thing.”

Chewie shakes his head.

“ _Chewie_.”

Luke steps over and puts his hand on Chewie’s other shoulder. Rey turns away. It’s too much, watching these old friends, knowing they might be all going off to their deaths. She’s a part of this team, but separate. _New_. Han, Luke, Chewie, Leia…they’ve known each other for a lifetime.

“I should go alone,” she says.

The others turn to look at her.

“Not on your life, kid,” Han says. He reaches out a hand to touch the blaster at his side. “You’re not alone.” He steps forward and pats her on the shoulder.

“Not anymore,” Luke adds.

Chewie grunts his agreement, and Rey feels herself tear up. Whatever happens here, whatever goes down, she knows she’s found a family.

Chewie pulls her in for a hug and for a moment she loses herself in his soft fur. And then she hears Han’s voice, muffled a bit through the enthusiastic Wookiee. “Alright kids. Let’s move out.”

The grim note sends a shiver up her spine, and she steps back, hand going automatically to her lightsaber. It’s a lifeline, that weapon, a part of her now as much as Ben is. As much as these people are. With one last look at Chewie, she turns and steps down the ramp of the Falcon into the hangar of the _Supremacy_ , Han and Luke right behind her.

This is it, she realizes.

This is their moment of reckoning.

* * *

She can’t count the number of Stormtroopers she’s cut down. If she thought about it, it would probably send her spiraling into a deep depression. Or anger. They shouldn’t be here, forced into this life of near-slavery as kids. Every single one of them could have been Finn.

But she has no choice.

So she uses her lightsaber, uses the Force, sends them flying, taking out the ones who get too close. She can feel Luke just to her left side, fighting with a calmness she wishes she could possess.

Han is to her right and she hears his blaster go off, hears the occasional curse, and sees him even throwing punches in there. He may be the oldest of their group, but there’s no stopping him. And for that she’s thankful. Han is a ferocious fighter when on a rescue mission like this. She wonders what he was like when he was younger, the cocksure smuggler roped into a war he never planned to fight.

And then, just like that, there’s no one. They plunge through the last of the Stormtroopers and all is silent.

_Silent as the tomb_. She always did hate that phrase. And yet here, it seems appropriate.

“Which way?” Luke asks and she disengages her lightsaber, closing her eyes for a moment. The thread between herself and Ben is thin and ragged, but she can follow it, can _feel_ him somewhere on the ship. Stronger now, the pull to what light is left in him tugs at her heart. There’s not much, she realizes. He’s steeped in darkness, and the feeling sends a cold terror through her heart.

She shudders, opens her eyes and looks around them. “This way,” she says, and hopes Luke and Han can’t hear the slight tremor to her voice. Her heart is racing, her breathing unsteady.

“You okay, kid?” Han whispers as he leans down near her.

She nods, once, the muscles in her neck tight and strained. “I’m fine.” It’s not true, of course, If she were fine, she’d be back on Chandrila, curled up in bed with Ben. She’d be off on a hundred different worlds exploring the known and unknown regions, or sparring with the man she loves, learning all he knows about lightsaber training and the Force.

“None of us are fine,” Han says, and she’s surprised at his perceptiveness. When she glances at him, he offers a shrug and that half-grin she sometimes sees on his son’s face.

She nods.

They continue on.

She stops when they reach an elevator. There are any number of ways they could turn here. Continue past it into the bowels of the ship, turn down one of the many corridors that line the center of the ship. But she stares at the elevator, Luke and Han watching her. And then she sighs. “Up,” she murmurs. “He’s…up there…somewhere.” Three sets of eyes follow the path of the elevator shaft to where it disappears into the darkness above them.

“Of course he’d be at the top,” Han mutters.

Luke glances at him. “Arrogance,” he mutters. “There is no fear there.” Fear, she knows, can lead to the dark side. It’s how Snoke got Ben, after all, pushing at his fears, dragging them out for all to see, twisting them up until they were all he could think of, all he _knew_. But here there’s no fear.

Not from Snoke.

He fears no man, no woman. He is invincible and he will always triumph.

_His arrogance will be his undoing_.

She hopes Ben was right. She’s pinned _everything_ on Snoke underestimating their trio, on underestimating Ben Solo.

“Well,” Han says, interrupting her thoughts. “Up it is I guess.”

The elevator noiselessly slides open and the three are left staring at the dark interior. If she takes a step, it’s the beginning of whatever end is in store for them. Either they walk out of there with Ben Solo or they don’t. Either they all walk out alive, or they don’t. There is no in between here.

Without another word, she steps forward. Han and Luke step in and the three turn as one to face the door. The door slides shut, and the three turn as one to face it.

“Do we have a plan?” Luke asks.

“Wing it?” Han suggests.

“That’s what you always say.”

Han shrugs. “It’s gotten me this far in life.”

“It’s almost cost you your life several times,” Luke points out.

“Yeah,” Han says with a half-grin. “Those were some good times.”

“This isn’t a game,” Rey interrupts with. She can see the floors increasing on the dash of the elevator. They’re nearing the top, and with each bit of motion upward, she feels her stomach clench more and more into a knot.

“Life is a game,” Han says. “So we just defeat it, rescue the princess.”

“Prince,” Rey says.

“Close enough.”

For a moment, just one moment, and they all share a small laugh.

And then the elevator slides to a halt.

And the doors slide open.

And they’re facing the darkness of what seems like a huge cavern.

Rey steps forward, Han and Luke close at her heels. The elevator closes behind them and they’re plunged into darkness. Rey shivers as she tries to focus in the near-complete dark.

“Where are we?” Han asks.

“Shh,” Luke responds with.

The lights rise, just a little. Rey can just barely make out the red of the walls, the dais in the middle, the throne upon it. “I know this place,” she murmurs. She becomes aware then, of the same cloying darkness that she felt in those nightmares, overpowering, the scent of death and destruction.

As she stares through the gloom, she sees him there, lounging in the throne. As soon as her eyes meet his, his hand moves and a light falls on him.

Snoke.

She doesn’t know how she didn’t recognize he wasn’t really _there_ the last time. He’s so present this time, overwhelming as she feels him trying to rip into her mind. “Come closer, child,” he murmurs. It’s the first time, she realizes, that she’s heard his voice in person. It’s so much worse than filtered through Ben’s mind, Ben’s thoughts.

“No,” she says. Her hand hovers over her weapon. It’s become an extension of herself these last months. Even now, she can feel her strength coursing through it.

Snoke laughs, the wheezing sound piercing and horrible. “So much strength.” He leans forward on his throne, one hand reaching out toward her. She’s pulled forward. She tries to resist, leans back. Luke’s hand grazes her arm briefly as she’s pulled across the room toward Snoke. When he releases her, she’s left gasping for breath mere feet from the creature.

“But not enough strength to resist. I know what they say of you. The light to counter young Kylo Ren’s darkness, the light to bring him home.”

She starts at the mention of _his_ name.

“Oh, did you think _he_ could resist? That your _Ben Solo_ would have the strength to resist _me_?” The last word is almost a roar, and he laughs again.

He gestures, long, almost frail, hand waving out to his left somewhere. Rey’s eyes are drawn into the shadows.

For a moment she sees nothing.

And then there’s darkness within the shadows. She stares, eyes trained on every movement. She somehow knows what she’s going to see before she sees it.

Kylo Ren steps out of the shadows. He stands tall and stiff at Snoke’s side, helmet covering his face. He’s the fearsome warrior once more, and Rey is drawn back to that moment when he first took off the helmet in that interrogation room, drawn back to watching him face off with his father. His expressive face and eyes are hidden, and the bond is eerily quiet.

She didn’t know he was there.

For some reason that bothers her more than anything else. She couldn’t sense him.

She goes inward for a moment, trying to grasp at the bond. It’s there. She can still see it, can still feel it. But it’s gone as cold and dark as Kylo Ren.

“As you can see,” Snoke says, his voice a sibilant whisper. “You _failed_.”

“Ben,” she whispers.

Snoke laughs. Rey can’t take her eyes off Ben, off _Kylo Ren_. All her nightmares come to fruition, here in the room that she’s visited far too often in Ben’s dreams.

Snoke gestures and Ben takes another step forward, a dull thud in the silence of the room. “Kill her,” Snoke says and as her heart falls into her stomach, she watches as Ben ignites his lightsaber and advances on her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I'm just DYING to get his all out to you. We're ALMOST THERE!!


	44. Chapter 44

Snoke has, at least, left her with her lightsaber. She’s actually surprised for a moment that he would leave her armed. Her and Luke and Han as well. The other two he almost seems to pay no mind. As she ignites her lightsaber, she can see Snoke’s face light up with a maniacal grin.

He’s enjoying this.

It’s a _test_ , she realizes.

A test of Kylo Ren’s devotion to him, of his commitment to being his apprentice.

Ben takes another step toward her and she stands up straight, weapon held high as she faces him. “Ben, don’t do this.” The words are quiet, urgent. She takes a step toward him. “You don’t want to. This isn’t you.” He’s come so far. And a part of her just wants to scream how unfair it is. He’d let go of all this, he’d moved past it. He _loved_ her and with that love came compassion and light.

Snoke laughs again. Her eyes flicker to him for a moment. He’s lounging in the throne, casual, as if he’s watching a bit of fluff on the holovid. As if this isn’t _the_ moment, as if her life isn’t falling apart before her very eyes. She can’t lose Ben. Han and Leia _can’t_ lose their son. Not again. She won’t _let_ them.

Ben advances on her and she turns toward him with a shout.

All hell breaks loose with the first clash of their lightsabers, the first sparks of red meeting blue. Out of the corner of her eye, she can see the guards advancing on Luke and Han. Han’s blaster goes off, taking the first out while two others converge on Luke.

“I don’t want to hurt you!” she shouts at Ben, twisting to avoid a strike from his lightsaber.

His motions are strangely jerky, not the smooth fighting of their sparring on Chandrila, or even the sparring they did on the first base on D’Qar. She knows he’s not being controlled. She doesn’t know _how_ , but she knows that Snoke hasn’t dug in that deep. She’s not even sure if he _could_ really. But at the same time, it feels like he’s resisting _something_. Snoke is in there, a parasite digging in his claws to bend Ben to his will.

She brings up her lightsaber to clash with his, pushing him back. He lets her, leaning back a little as she pushes at him with a snarl, pressing him back, closer to the dais. Snoke is watching them with piercing intensity. Ben finally twists, his hand coming out and knocking her back with the Force.

She rolls with it, letting it take her into a summersault before coming back to her feet and advancing on Ben.

Their lightsabers come together again, blue on red, purple sparks flying out form where they meet. She twists, he turns to meet her. He pushes away and she follows. It’s a dance of terror and desperation. She doesn’t want to hurt him. But as he strikes at her, harder, faster, she’s afraid she might have to.

“Ben!” she shouts as his lightsaber makes contact with the upper part of her arm. Searing pain lances up her arm as she twists away from him. She lashes out without thinking, without planning. This is survival. If she has any chance of bringing him home, she’s going to have to take him down. As she twists, she strikes out with her lightsaber, catching him on the upper arm.

She can smell the burnt fabric and flesh as it cuts into him.

And he says nothing, makes no noise. Just continues to come at her, as if he’s not even human. The pain doesn’t even slow him down. Not for one moment. It’s _frightening_ and for one brief moment she wonders if she might lose this. If she might lose _him_. She’s tried to avoid those thoughts these last days, trying to believe that _belief_ will get her through, that the Force will not let her down.

But as he comes at her again, twirling to get the right angle, nearing taking her out at the knees, she begins to doubt.

It’s a little niggling thing at first. It lets him get in a hit to her hip, just a glancing thing as she’s able to rotate away from it and most of the blade catches her clothes. The smell is atrocious, and she snarls at the small bit of pain as it grazes her hip.

Together they twist, turn, come together as their blades cross. He’s calm the entire time, not an extra bit of emotion out of him. She’s a raging thing, terrified and angry, and she really wishes she could just turn and strike down Snoke. She contemplates it at one point. It would be easy enough to feint, pull back, and then duck under Ben’s raised arm.

But she doesn’t.

As she glances over at Snoke. He’s watching her with a hungry gaze that tells her he knows _exactly_ where her thoughts are going. When her eyes meet his, he grins.

And instead, she pulls the same move, ducking underneath Ben’s arm only to whirl around on him and catch him in the back. _That_ gets a response. He grunts in pain as he turns back to her and it’s a strange bit of relief that hits her, realizing he’s still human beneath that mask. There’s still something of Ben there, even if he’s mostly Snoke’s tool at the moment.

That bit of pain seems to spur him on. She can hear Snoke shout something, can hear him laugh as Ben turns on her with a vicious flurry of attacks. He’s everywhere almost at once, beating her back, using his longer reach and strength to push at her. He makes another glancing hit off her other arm, one that cuts into her side a bit.

But Rey is making her own progress.

She falls back, almost too easily, lets him start to come up and over her. Ben thinks he knows her. And he does, certainly. Every bit of her has been open to him at one time or another. But not now. Now he’s clouded with Snoke’s thoughts, with Kylo Ren and vengeance and all that entails. And so she lets him drive her back, lets him think he has the upper hand.

She can hear Snoke laugh with glee as he watches.

But then she rolls, twisting suddenly and coming up. Ben never sees it coming. She slashes her lightsaber down and strikes his helmet. Shards of it break off and her lightsaber drives through it, slicing down the side of his face and slashing into his shoulder before she’s able to pull back.

Ben stumbles back.

Snoke shouts something she can’t hear.

All she can think is she _hurt_ him. She can only see a bit of his face through the broken helmet, can see the blood dripping into his eye, down his cheek. The one eye she can see is dark, almost dead. The intensity that’s usually in his gaze is missing and it’s an eerie sight.

She hears Hans’s blaster go off.

She hears Luke curse.

And all she can do is _stare_. This isn’t what she wanted. She’s supposed to be here to save him. He’s staring at her, his lightsaber held crackling at his side. _This is it_ , she thinks. She almost closes her eyes, but instead watches him carefully as she tries to delve into his mind.

Her eyes drift just. Just a little.

 _Come on, Ben…I know you’re in there_ …

When he finally does move, it’s not at all what she expected. He rushes at her, and she catches a glimpse of raw _fury_ on what little of his face she can see. It takes her breath away, and then she has no choice but to respond. He beats her back with massive slashes of his lightsaber, all of his weight and strength behind each strike.

Rey scrambles to keep up, parrying each of his thrusts, but falling back little by little. She tries to spin under one of his slashes, but he reaches out with his other hand and tosses her back. It takes everything in her to get back to her feet and turn to face him again.

But she does.

She has no choice.

She can hear Luke fighting one of the guards, hears a grunt of pain that she’s not sure comes from him or the person he’s fighting.

She hears Han shout something and his blaster go off a moment later.

And then Ben pushes her back again.

And again.

She stumbles.

Parries his thrust.

Falls back again.

The back of her feet hit something, and she’s already so overbalanced, that she can’t keep upright. Her butt hits the ground and she realizes she’s sitting at the bottom of the dais moments before Ben strides closer, using the butt of his lightsaber to hit her hand hard enough that her lightsaber flies out of it. He kicks it aside with one booted foot.

And then he’s standing over her, lightsaber pointed at her chest.

“Excellent, my apprentice!” Snoke shouts from somewhere up above her. She doesn’t turn to look up. Her eyes are solely focused on Ben. The lightsaber he holds out in front of him trembles just a bit before he steadies it.

“Ben,” she whispers.

“Did you think he would turn?” Snoke asks, voice almost conversational. “Did you think you’d _rescue_ him? That he was ever truly one of you?”

“You’ve underestimated me,” she says, not even turning to look at the shriveled creature on the throne behind her. “And you’ve underestimated him.”

Snoke’s wheezing laugh ends in a cough. “Did I?” She hears him shift, can feel him lean over her. His next words drop heavily into the room. “Kill her.”

Her eyes stay on Ben, but out of the corner of her eye, she can see Luke moving closer. His steps are almost soundless as he creeps forward toward where this is all playing out.

She doesn’t know where Han is.

A part of her hopes he’s disappeared somewhere. He doesn’t want to see this.

“Ben, you don’t want to do this. I know you don’t.” The words are whispered, a plea dropped into the middle of all this madness. “I can feel the conflict in you.” He takes a step toward her. The lightsaber comes close to the side of her face. She can hear it there, can feel the heat of it so close to her. She’s thrown back to the time he faced her in the woods of Takodana. _Where is the map?_ His voice so cold and distant through the mask, the way he walked around her, brought the lightsaber so close to her then that she was sure he’d kill her if she didn’t give him what he wanted.

But not here.

Not now.

She whispers his name again as she tries to reach out to him. Her eyes flutter and half-close. She grips onto their bond, her hands clawing at the ragged sections of it, trying to knit the tears back together as she tries to pull her away across it to him. She can feel Ben shudder, can see the lightsaber waver just a little bit as she comes close.

So close.

There’s something there, oily and slick, like a curtain that’s closed between her mind and his. It repels her every chance she almost breaks through.

Snoke.

“Yes,” he says from somewhere above her, and she watches as Ben straightens even more, his body held rigid. The tremors in his arm cease, the lightsaber steadies near her head. Her eyes fly open and meet the one she can see through the cracked part of his helmet.

“This isn’t you,” Rey whispers. “You’re _not_ Kylo Ren.”

“You still think you can turn him?” Snoke asks, his voice a near-hiss at the end. “You think you’ve seen his weakness? You think he’ll go to you? _You_ a mewling child with no more control of the Force than what my apprentice has granted you?”

“He’s already turned,” Rey says, eyes still on Ben.

“A momentary weakness. He’s back here, where he belongs.” She hears him shift. “And I know his every thought, his every movement. He is _mine_!” There’s a shriek there at the end, and Rey is not so sure Snoke truly believes it. He’s half in control of Ben, a part of his mind inside his like the parasite he is.

“He will _never_ be yours,” Rey says, every word punctuated. She stands then. She won’t face Ben, won’t face her death at Snoke’s hand, laying on the ground like a frightened child. She stands before him, tall and proud.

Ben’s lightsaber tracks her movements. He raises it up, the killing blow so close. She doesn’t close her eyes.

“Strike her down, Kylo Ren! Take your place at my side as my only worthy apprentice!” Snoke shouts.

Ben raises the lightsaber even more. “I know what I have to do.”

“Ben.” Her voice is soft, and she tries to keep the terror out of it. She has to believe he won’t do this, that he _can’t_ do this. He loves her, and she can see the softness about his eyes as he looked at her, the determination and love as he took her to his bed, as they came together as one. “Fight him, Ben.” She pushes back through the bond. “You have to fight. You can’t let him win. Not this time.” She grabs ahold of the bond, leans forward just a little. Her eyes stay locked onto his. His pupils are pin points of light in the amber irises, despite the dark room. Ben doesn’t see her. Snoke won’t let him.

And so she moves closer.

His lightsaber trembles a little as he raises it high.

She can see Luke out of the corner of her eye moving closer. His lightsaber is raised and for one terrifying moment, she realizes what he means to do. Ben’s entire arm is trembling on the lightsaber he holds above her and she watches as it goes through his whole body, the shudder bending him over just slightly.

His eyes move away from hers for the first time, and she follows his gaze to where his uncle stands, lightsaber at the ready. And all she can remember is Ben’s memories, his uncle standing over him, intent on killing him.

He has the same look on his face now.

And she notices it’s not anger, not vengeance. It’s sorrow and the pain of a lifetime of hurt and worry. It’s knowing he has to do _something_ and not wanting to. It’s terror and pain and horror. It’s everything he doesn’t want to do and yet somehow she knows he’s going to gather up the strength to do it this time.

She looks back to Ben, who is watching his uncle, the eyebrow she can see is drawn up, the eyes wide open. He nods once.

It’s a plea.

Luke nods in response.

And she feels _cold_. He’s going to kill him. He’s going to take him out before he can do any harm to her and she knows. _Kriffing Ben Solo_. He’s told his uncle to do it. He has no doubt. There’s such calm acceptance there in his gaze. His arm is still trembling, fighting Snoke, battling with him for some sort of dominance over his own body. He has such a tenuous hold on it at the moment, one half second away from striking her down.

“Do it,” she hears Ben say, his eyes still focused on his uncle. He won’t even look at her. She sees a shudder wrack his body, watches as the lightsaber lowers a hair.

“No!” she shouts, her hands going out. Luke is thrown back a little and then she turns on Ben, snarling as she steps toward him, as she tears into his mind. It’s not pretty. It’s not kind or gentle. It’s a violation, plain and simple, rippling up the bond and then tearing through the oily veil protecting Ben from her. She feels more than hears Snoke scream. The sound is inside her head. It reverberates throughout her mind, ricocheting off every bit of her.

She keeps going.

_Ben!_

And then he is _there_. She feels him, sees him. He comes to with a gasp and she’s thrown out of his mind, back into the red room, the guards frozen in place as they watch.

Ben Solo rips off his helmet.

He’s breathing hard, staring at her.

But he’s _there_.

Present. She can see the pupils widening, watches as his hand falls heavily to his side, the lightsaber disengaging. “Rey!”

His voice is hoarse, ragged. And it’s the most beautiful sound she’s ever heard in her entire life.

Snoke _snarls_. As one, they turn to face him, lightsabers igniting.

“You are unworthy of being called my apprentice!” Snoke shouts. His mouth is twisted in fury, his eyes squinted half shut as he raises his hands toward them.

She knows what’s next.

She can feel it start to rise up in him, can see the energy that traces along his arms, blue streaks that seem to illuminate his scarred, pitted face, the bright blue eyes, creating shadows in the crevices of a face so steeped in dark power that it has split nearly in two.

The hair on her arms, on the back of her neck, stands up, that moment just before it strikes. Snoke’s eyes are on Ben and she knows he’s aiming for him first. “Ben!” she shouts just as Snoke makes a jabbing motion toward him, sending the lightning streaking out toward Ben.

She screams.

Snoke laughs, shrill, frightening.

“Ben!” she shouts, starting to move toward him, knock him out of the way. Ben is staring at Snoke, as if he knows exactly where this is going, as if he’s accepted his fact. Rey lifts her lightsaber and just barely manages to catch the edge of the lightning, pushing it away from Ben. It hits one of the guards instead and she hears him scream in agony as he flies backward.

Snoke snarls something incoherent, turning back to where Rey and Ben are standing close together.

“You!” he says, every bit of darkness in that one single word. He stands then, no longer the indifferent Supreme Leader, who finds amusement in the pain he’s causing them. She feels real fear slice down her at his towering presence. “You will watch him die first, knowing you will join his fate only moments later. You want your bond? You shall have it. For _eternity_.”

He raises his hands again and Ben pushes Rey back, behind him. She pushes back, coming to step next to him. “We’re equals,” she says.

“Of course.”

They raise their lightsabers together.

Snoke raises his hands.

The lightning crackles at his fingertips.

She reaches out a hand to grasp Ben’s. Together, they still themselves for the onslaught. Snoke cannot win.

Snoke _will_ not win.

He points his hands in their direction.

And then…

Nothing…

They hear the sound of a blaster going off, and watch as the laser hits Snoke right between his beady eyes, tearing a hole a couple inches wide in his skull. His eyes go wide, lightning still crackling down his fingertips.

He falls back.

The lightning engulfs him, turning on its originator.

Rey turns to see Han standing off to their side, blaster still aimed at Snoke, eyes grim. He turns to them and nods, lips pressed together. She’s never seen him look so serious. “I wasn’t going to let him kill my son.”

Snoke lets out an inhuman howl of pain as the lightening radiates through his body. With one last lashing out of his hand, he sends the lightening across the room. Han Solo is thrown back, hitting one of the red-curtained walls with a loud thud.

He falls motionless to the floor.

And then Snoke’s body explodes, sending them all flying back. The last thing Rey remembers of that moment was seeing Ben twisting as they flew through the air and the look in his wide eyes.

Triumph.

And relief.

Snoke is dead.

The Resistance can win.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an Epilogue left to go!


	45. Epilogue

Ben spends the next two weeks sitting in the med bay. He’s not sure why he feels like he needs to atone for so much, but he’s there anyway, sitting near his father. Snoke couldn’t take the old man out as easily as that. He’d been beaten up pretty badly, broken bones and bruises the likes of which he’d probably ever seen.

Han had spent the first week in the bacta tank as they tried to heal him. The Resistance fought on. Without Snoke at their head and with the _Supremacy_ soon destroyed by the Resistance bombers, it was just a matter of time before the war was won and they could begin rebuilding all that had been lost.

“Ben?”

He startles when his father speaks, turning to look at him. “You look like hell,” Ben says.

“Feel it, too.” He offers up a grin.

“That was a stupid thing you did,” Ben says, but there’s no ire behind the words. He saved him. And more than that, he saved _Rey_.

“No more stupid than telling Luke to kill you.”

Ben stares at him.

“You think I didn’t know?”

“Luke told you?”

“After.” Han shrugs. “But I saw the looks you two exchanged. You really love her, huh?”

Ben closes his eyes for a moment. He can feel the bond with Rey, strong again, the line between them etched in gold and silver. There are still spots in it that are a bit torn and he’s not sure they’ll ever heal completely. But he’s here. She’s here.

And Snoke is dead.

It’s strange, really, not feeling him in his head. He feels lighter somehow, like he could float away. He’s not sure if what he’s feeling is happiness, but he _likes_ it.

“Ben,” comes the voice from the doorway.

“Hey kid,” Han says as Rey steps in. “Better,” he says to her unspoken question. Ben turns to stare at him and Han shrugs. “You don’t need the Force to know she’s going to ask the same question she asks every day.”

Rey blushes and Ben has to choke back that little bit of niggling desire that takes him over every single time he sees her.

He never thought he’d see her again, never thought he’d get a chance to be with her in any capacity. He still wakes from nightmares, sometimes, of Snoke getting into his mind, and of that moment when he granted his uncle permission to end his life for the sake of them all.

And then his father…

He’d almost lost him. Even Han doesn’t know just how close he came to dying with Snoke’s last bit of vengeance.

Rey comes to stand behind him, her hand on his shoulder. Han looks from him, then to her, and then he _winks_. “Go on, you two. You don’t need to hang around this old smuggler. I’ll be fine…”

“But…” Ben starts to say when he hears the door open again.

“I’ll take it from here,” his mother says and Ben stands, grateful for her presence. She’s been a rock these past days. She directs the Resistance with the same firm hand and affection that she has for him. _Get your rest son, you’re no good to him like this, son. He loves you, you know_.

She’s forgiven him for his past transgressions, and it’s like a weight has lifted off his chest. The anxiety that has always plagued him begins to melt away in the warmth of their love.

And the strength of Rey’s.

She hasn’t said as much, but he sees it shining out of her eyes, feels it in the way she wraps herself around him when he wakes from a nightmare. They’re not hiding their relationship anymore, and she’s as good as moved into the room he’s been occupying. There’s no need to sneak around. Not anymore.

Everyone won’t approve of it, and some are taking longer to come around than others, but they’ll get there. Somehow, he just _knows_ this. Rey, ever the beacon of light, will not let them drag him back into the darkness of Kylo Ren.

He’s gone.

And he’s gone for _good_.

He reaches out and Rey’s puts her hand in his, letting him wrap his long fingers around her more delicate ones. It’s almost natural these days, the way they reach for each other. He’s not going to lose her, never again.

“We’ll be back to check on you later,” Rey says. “So you better not get up to anything.”

Han just smirks.

“I won’t let him,” Leia says. She’s been spending quite a bit of time with Han, and Ben wonders if they’re trying to reconcile the relationship that had been faltering for so long. He had been the catalyst for its demise, that much he knows, but their personality clashes were infamous long before he was born. Now they look at each other with affection and maybe a little bit of sadness. There’s a lot of time lost there.

Time he hopes he never loses with Rey.

“Come on then,” she says, and he follows happily. He’d follow her anywhere. The ends of the galaxy if she wants him to. It’s a strange, giddy feeling, to feel bound to someone and _want_ it.

When they step out of the room, his uncle is standing there. He wouldn’t say Luke’s face exactly lit up at the site of them, but he looks decidedly less grim these days when confronted with Ben and Rey. He glances down to their clasped hands before meeting Ben’s eyes.

“I’m glad I didn’t have to kill you,” Luke says and Ben is _almost_ sure he sees a smile playing around his uncle’s lips.

He nods. “I’m glad you didn’t have to, too.”

“What…” Luke begins and Ben watches as his eyes move to Rey and then back to him. “What are you two kids going to do now?”

Ben knows what’s he’s asking, in his own roundabout way. He’s not sure how to answer him. Not yet. They haven’t discussed where to go from here, what they want to do with their lives. All Ben knows is whatever his life entails, it _has_ to include Rey.

“We’re not sure,” Rey answers. She hesitates before she says her next words and he can see the worry written into the lines between her brows. “I don’t want to become a Jedi.”

Ben breathes a sigh of relief at that.

Luke gives her a long look. “I didn’t think you would. It may be time for the old Jedi ways to die out,” he muses. Ben’s eyebrows shoot up and Luke spares him an amused glance. “You’ll still study the Force? Still learn more about it?”

Rey nods.

“There’s a lot to explore still,” Ben concedes. He means with the bond, mostly, which seems to grow stronger each day that Snoke is not in his head.

“That’s all I can ask,” Luke says, and then he moves past them, heading toward Han’s room. It’s nice, Ben realizes, seeing them all together again. There’s still a lot of hurt there, between his parents, between Luke and Ben, between _all_ of them really. But there’s the chance for healing, for moving forward, for reclaiming what was lost so many years ago.

It’s all he can ask, he supposes.

* * *

Rey’s wrapped up in his arms, warm bodies still pressed together after their latest bout of rather enthusiastic lovemaking. It’s so much _more_ now than it was before. The bond is open and strong, and each time she feels they draw into each other that much more. Without Snoke’s oily presence somewhere in the back of Ben’s mind, they’ve been allowed to freely explore the bond.

And explore it they have. She blushes to think about it sometimes. Feeling him inside her from within her body and from within _his_ at the same time is a strangely intense way of experiencing such a thing. She doesn’t know if she could ever go back to doing it without the bond allowing that experience.

“So what _are_ we going to do?” she asks, pressing a kiss to his bare chest before looking up at him.

He looks a bit of a wreck, hair damp and askew, those ears that she so long ago brought up poking out from the dark mess of his hair. “More of this?” he says, and grins.

She’ll never tire of seeing him smile. He’d done it so rarely before but in the days since they defeated Snoke, she’s seen more smiles out of him than the entire time before. He’s still haunted, still introspective, but she sees more and more of the person he _should_ have been coming out.

He’ll get there.

Eventually.

“Ben,” she murmurs as he leans down to kiss her. She leans into it, lets him dip his tongue in, caress her mouth with soft lips and tongue. It’s a gentle kiss, the type she really cherishes. “You’re distracting me.”

“That was the point.”

“You can’t be ready already,” she mutters.

He laughs at that. “Well, maybe not. But _you_ can be.” He leans down and presses a kiss to the skin just below her earlobe.

“ _Ben_.” The warning note in her voice makes him pull back and he offers another soft huff of laughter.

“What do _you_ want to do?” he finally asks.

She hasn’t entirely thought about that, though various ideas have crossed her mind. Return to Ahch-to, explore more of the Jedi teachings. She doesn’t want to _be_ a Jedi, but that’s where she knows she needs to start to understand more about the Force. Travel the galaxy with Ben at her side. She’s seen so little and heard about so much.

“I don’t know,” she admits. “I just know…” She trails off there.

“Know what?”

“It has to include you.” The words come out in a rush. “Whatever happens. It has to be about you and me and this bond between us.”

She can barely get the last word out before he’s leaning down to kiss her. When he pulls back, she’s surprised at the serious look on his face.

“What?” she asks.

His hand comes up to cup the side of her face and she leans into the touch. He’s become… _soft_ …somehow. He still has those hard edges, scars from his time as Snoke’s apprentice, scars from childhood neglect, scars from Luke’s near-attempt on his life. She knows that won’t change, but she hopes that they soften a little more with time.

His eyes seem to search her face and she feels her cheeks heat a little at the intensity in his gaze. “You know I love you, right?” he asks. His mouth curls up a little at the words and Rey feels everything inside her melt just a little.

 _Is this what love is?_ she wonders. And as her heart feels full to bursting, she realizes that yes. Yes it is.

“Yeah,” she says, leaning up to kiss him. “I know.”

He doesn’t say anything else for a moment, just stares at her, and then his eyes slide away. She can feel him pulling away from her, from the bond. And it takes her a moment to realize what he had been hoping for.

“Wait…” Her voice chokes up here. She’s never said it before, not really. She’s thought it. She knows it to be true. But still, sometimes she thinks what does _she_ know of love? Abandoned by her parents to a life of hardship and poverty, scrambling for every little scrap of food and water she could find.

But then she thinks of her friends, of Finn and Rose, of Han and Luke and Leia. They’re family now. And none more so than Ben.

She smiles then. “I love you too. You do know that, right?”

She watches as he takes a deep breath, before pulling her into his arms for a soft kiss. “Yeah,” he murmurs as he pulls away from her and tucks her in close to him. “I know. But it’s good to hear it anyway.”

They stay curled up together, and as she starts to drift off, she hears him murmur against her hair. “Takodana.”

“Hmmm?”

“Let’s go to Takodana.”

“Where we first met.” It’s strange how now, after all this time, she can almost look back on it with fondness. They had been enemies, once trying to kill each other.

“We can live there for awhile.”

“It’s very green,” she offers up. She loves Chandrila, but Takodana was beautiful in a way even this world wasn’t. Lush and green and wonderful.

She feels more than hears him laugh. She likes laying there, her head pressed against his chest, hearing the beat of his heart, slow and steady against her ear. “It is,” he murmurs.

“Good. Then let’s go there.”

“Good,” responds with. “We can build a little cabin on the lake.”

“You’ll teach me to swim?”

“Of course.” There’s a pause. “And we can have a whole bunch of dogs.”

“A bunch of _what_?”

He laughs again. “Dogs. Trust me, you’ll like them.”

“I trust you,” she murmurs. And she realizes, in some way or other, that she’s _always_ trusted him.

She falls asleep that night still listening to the beat of his heart, knowing that this is only the beginning of their life together. And for the first time, perhaps, she’s looking forward to the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...this is it. Wow. I can't believe that the end is here! I want to thank ALL of you, all my amazing readers, for your comments and for loving this story as much as I do. It started off as just an idea, something I wanted to be written but hadn't, and it grew into this massive story that was just begging to be told.
> 
> A very special thinks goes out to the ladies of the Reylo Fic Recs chat group for EVERYTHING. Without them, this story would never have been written. They encouraged me from the get go, got me past the inevitable writing humps, and encouraged me every step of the way. I don't honestly know what I would do without them!
> 
> Also, thanks to the ladies of the Writer's Den for the sprints toward the end of the story that helped me finish it!


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